We’ve been talking for 3 weeks and have gone on a few dates. We went out yesterday, it was great and we had a lot of fun but after that, he asked me to go to his place for something more.
Maybe it’s not normal, I don’t know, but I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with someone that soon. I want to get to know someone really well before I fully trust them or want to take it a step further with them. I tend to be a little guarded and reserved.
He tried to convince him and I told him that I like him, but I want to wait a little longer. He said that we’ve been together for 3 weeks, that we’ve waited long enough anyways and that most girls would have already slept with him by now. And then he said that it’s weird that I don’t want to do it, because people usually go for it after 2-3 dates and that you can’t keep dating someone if you don’t know whether or not you have sexual chemistry. Maybe he’s right, I don’t know, but I really didn’t feel ready to do this and I apologised and explained that to him. So he said that we could compromise.
He said that he can’t force me to have sex, but we could compromise and he could use his hand and fingers instead, that I wouldn’t regret it and that he knows what he’s doing and stuff like that. And then he just kind of did it..
I didn’t do anything to stop it so he must have thought that I was okay with it, but I wasn’t and I don’t even know why I just stood there. I didn’t want to hurt him or disappoint him and I didn’t say no. I cried when I got home because I felt like the most stupid person ever. I didn’t want this but didn’t do anything to stop him so he thinks I wanted it. I don’t know what to do š
Edit: He texted me this morning and apologised if he made me feel uncomfortable at any point yesterday and that he doesn’t want to rush me into doing anything I’m not ready for
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Run away is what you do!
He pressured you into sex by guilt-tripping you.
“most girls would do x”, well you don’t want to do that though, you’re not them, so why is his past lovers even relevant? They’re not relevant. He only used them to put more pressure on you.
He is an AH. You don’t owe him shit.
Girl, come on! You barely know this guy – you donāt owe him a fāing thing. Ā Tell him heās a creep and dump him. Ā āOther girlsā would have slept with him by now?! Well he can fuck off and find one of those, canāt he?
And you need to work on your self esteem. Ā Donāt put up with this type of nonsense ever again. Ā The right person will respect you, not try and pressure you.
3 weeks?? Thereās food in my fridge older than that, and that needs putting in the bin too.
Never see him again, thatās what. Up to you whether or not you tell him why. If you have the emotional capacity to explain that he assaulted you then go for it, otherwise you owe him nothing. Block him.
This is not ok, he manipulated you with guilt to get what he wanted even tho you said no multiple times. This is not ok and you should take as much time as you need to be ready. If he isn’t willing to wait, he can leave. Don’t do anything you don’t want, specially this kind of thing.
Do you really want a guy like that? There are better men out there. Throw this one back
GTFO. You clearly said no. He didnāt listen. This is not your fault. Cut your losses and get out.
Red flag after red flag after red flag. Text him back: If you canāt respect my wishes or take a no, I donāt want to talk to you again.
This is sexual assault. Coercion isnāt consent.
Sounds rapey.
You do what your comfortable WHEN your comfortable or even If your comfortable. That is your pace and that’s the perfect pace.
If anyone doesn’t like that pace, drop them. Life is too short to be humouring assholes
I’ve noticed men tend to rush, they seem to lack the understanding that we also need to be attracted to them to be into it.Ā
Freeze is a response, you did respond and he clearly didn’t understand that your lack of reaction wasn’t consent.Ā
I’d tell him point blank you froze and he crossed your boundaries and that you cried. Men NEED to learn better and understand they’re hurting people.Ā
Then say you’re not interested anymore since he crossed your boundaries.Ā
Unfortunately I learned this later too, freeze was what happened to me and I wasn’t into it but I just kinda put up with things. I’m working through it but takes time.
This is actually sexual assault. Text book sexual assault. He used coercion and did not have an enthusiastic yes. Hell, he didnāt even get a reluctant yes. All the feelings you are feeling are very normal for someone who has been sexually violated. Blaming yourself for not stopping him, feeling stupid, thatās all normal. You did nothing wrong.
The fact he texted you and apologised says to me that he knew you didn’t want to. I wouldn’t ever see him again.
Break up and leave this manipulator. You didn’t want to, and he made you feel uncomfortable. He is untrustworthy. There are better men out there.
Sounds like a psycho. Would avoid
āhe doesn’t want to rush me into doing anything I’m not ready forā
He already did. wtf
Coercion is not consent. You were sexually assaulted.
It doesnāt matter what everyone else does, you werenāt comfortable with physical intimacy, told him, and he didnāt take your no as a no.
Anecdotally, I feel like heās right in that most sexually active adults are usually having sex within a couple of dates. And being invited in or accepting an invite in usually means the plan is sex.
But that doesnāt mean YOU have to do that. No means no. Itās not an invitation to be coerced.
Be done with this guy. Itās 2025. He knows about consent. This is the kind of guy who is going to push other clear boundaries. Like you say no to anal and heās going to āoops, wrong holeā and hurt you.
Throw this one back. What a shit bag.
If he wants to be with someone whoās more open to sex early in the relationship, itās his responsibility to make that decision and leave you alone so you can find someone whoās okay with your pace. He is 100% at fault for not respecting your boundaries or your ānoā.
That said, learn from this as you move forward with your life. If your method of avoiding confrontation is to freeze and let people do what they want, youāre giving up a lot of your autonomy to other people by default. None of them will be in the right for taking liberties with you in sex, work, friendships, or whatever. But it will happen. And you have the chance in your present situation to decide to get better at advocating for yourself.
He forced you to do something you did not want to do. Block him. Do not reply to him. Do not give him any satisfaction. Heās proven that heās only about himself and not interested in you, your needs, or your pleasure.
This type of manipulative personality has already honed in on your weakness and is waiting for another opportunity to exploit you then make you feel like it was your idea he knows how to play on where you are vulnerable enlist a strong friend to help you say bye break ties delete and you may feel guilt or shame he wants you to its how they get a second chance to do it again experienced party who finally folded up his dirty underwear put it in his clean drawer and walked away with a smile you can to but I had to get my accountability and support I havenāt always been strong either you can do it
Please do not continue to “talk to” the man who sexually assaulted you, and now is pretending he didn’t realize it. He’s a creep. Run.
The fact he apologized showed he knew exactly what he did was wrong. Itās more likely he did this to get a sense if you were going to report him.
Itās not your fault you reacted in the way you did. You were in a position where your body reacted as a way of coping.
Please do not engage with this guy again.
No , heās a creep. Youāve only been talking online for a few weeks, then a couple dates and heās telling you āother girls would have had sex with him by nowā. Then badgered you & to pushed you reluctantly into a sex act you werenāt actively consenting to, nor keen to do ā¦
Heās told you heaps about who he is. Heās a predator. Heās not interested in you, he doesnāt respect who you are or your choices, whether you are actively consenting and heāll keep manipulating you,. Heās a bad fish, throw him back. Please block him and donāt ever talk to him or see him again.
Leave Him! From a Guys point of view: You said you’re not ready, he should be fine with that(PERIOD). He wanted to meet you half way and you didn’t answer, he took silence as consent? Seriously? Silence DOES NOT equal consent! Lastly, but MOST IMPORTANTLY…. He said all the “other girls would already have given in” (or something like that)… He wants you to be like all the other girls? He’s only focused on getting to home base! He isn’t valuing You! Leave Him! Dump Him! This Guy is GARBAGE!!!!!
Iām so sorry that happened to you. That was sexual assault and not okay at all. Please never speak to this man again and get yourself help if you need it
You didn’t consent, and that’s what matters. His actions were not okay, even if he apologized afterward. You have the right to set boundaries and decide what you’re comfortable with. Consider talking to him about how you feel or distancing yourself if you don’t feel respected. Your feelings and consent are valid.
He’s gaslighting you.
He kept saying he didn’t want to pressure you, while pressuring you, followed by him saying he doesn’t want to pressure you.
He’s going to keep pressuring you and gaslighting you into thinking he’s not wanting to.
You’re allowed to not want to sleep or be physical with someone you’re dating. He should have respected it instead of doing any of the things he did.
OP you shouldnāt feel any of this was on you and donāt brow beat yourself itās on him not you. Some people take a long time to become comfortable with the physical side of relationships even when they like the person and have fun with shared activities. This isnāt a good match for you as he places more importance on the physical aspect of his relationships
Donāt walkā¦run!
Heās used to getting what he wants and was expecting some return on his investment. He crossed a line and he knows it.
You werenāt stupid. You froze. It happens and nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe talk to someone about it or how it made you feel.
You deserve better and there is someone out there that will cherish and respect you. Always know you are worthy.
Good luck to you!
If I could talk to my younger self, I would say : girl run.
It happened to me, I didn’t cry after but I felt bad for myself.Ā
His attitude screams “I’m pushing you till you say yesĀ but at the end of the day it was your choice”.Ā
In a healthy relationship, even in the very beginning, the person would be patient and no push you or make guilt trips.Ā
Do not listen to that āapologyā. He showed you his true colours and you need to listen and move on.
And for you to even doubt yourself on this further informs that he thought you were vulnerable enough for him to force his way to whatever he wanted.
Dump him and run. You deserve sooooo much better than this.
Fuck him. Literally who cares about hurting him or disappointing him? Why do you care? He didnāt care about you? He did what he wanted regardless of what you wanted.
You do not owe nice to anyone. You do not owe being polite to men who try to rape you. You do not owe polite to men who sexually assault you. They rely on you being quiet, on you not making a fuss, not making a scene. This is how they get away with this, this is how he did this to you, and how heāll do it to the next girl.
You were sexually assaulted by a creep. There is no compromise to telling someone NO to sex.
You didn’t do anything to stop it because you were frozen in fear. It’s literally called the Freeze Response.
Dump this assaulter and seek therapy for the assault. At the very least get some library books about being SA’d via coercion.
You are worth more than being with a loser like this.