I have three kids, Rob (16m), Lisa (14f), Anne (9F). Lisa is autistic, and her special interest is Taylor Swift. Rob and Anne go along with it and indulge her. They’re good kids who care and support each other and Rob and yes Anne get attention and support for their interests too.
My brother in law Hector’s entire personality is trying to rile people. You know the whole “it’s just a joke bro”. Super childish but whatever “he’s family.” Except my husband is out of the country, so I guess he thinks he gets to do whatever he wants.
A few weeks ago he started needling at Lisa by making fun of Taylor Swift using lots of childish name calling words, intentionally using the wrong word for fans and stuff. Just really immature kid stuff. Lisa knows that not everyone likes TS and some people even hate her. One of her best friends hates her. She’s not unable to hear different opinions. She has her own I’m sure she’d LOVE to share with you all if you had 4 hours to spare.
He would say “Well Swiffers did x y z” she would say “Uncle Hector it’s Swifties” and he would say it again to needle at her. Rob was in the room, I was not. Rob said to him “Why do you keep using the wrong word, she told you the right word?”
Hector said he can say whatever he wants and to “cry about it.”
Rob said “It just seems like you’re going out of your way to upset Lisa”
Rob asked her to finish what she was talking about and to ignore Hector. This is when I came into the room, and Hector waved at the kids and said “Roberta’s getting real mad that someone’s joking about mother (?)”
(I wasn’t in the room so I didn’t hear the comment about me and Rob said I wouldn’t get it)
Before I could say anything Rob said “Bro did you really just call me a girl’s name? Are you 12?”
I put my hands up and said okay enough, Hector, stop. He said I’m raising soft kids who can’t take a joke. I said he’s being so effing rude and that he wouldn’t be acting like this if my husband was home. I said that if he wants to still go with us to Colorado in the summer like we were planning, he has to stop NOW or he’s not coming.
This set him off and he said I had no right to do that (yes I do) and that I’m being a controlling yak over Taylor Swift. I said no, fuck Taylor Swift, this is about you being mean to your niece because her dad isn’t home.
He said fuck you and good luck next time we have a problem, we’re on our own. He took his Costco chicken and left and I swear he must have immediately gone running to my MIL because she called me to ask for what really happened and sighed a lot. I asked her if I was overreacting and she said she just hopes we can work it out because that trip was all he had to look forward to since he was laid off from work. I HATE causing drama in the family so am I the asshole and I’m out of line?
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I have three kids, Rob (16m), Lisa (14f), Anne (9F). Lisa is autistic, and her special interest is Taylor Swift. Rob and Anne go along with it and indulge her. They’re good kids who care and support each other and Rob and yes Anne get attention and support for their interests too.
My brother in law Hector’s entire personality is trying to rile people. You know the whole “it’s just a joke bro”. Super childish but whatever “he’s family.” Except my husband is out of the country, so I guess he thinks he gets to do whatever he wants.
A few weeks ago he started needling at Lisa by making fun of Taylor Swift using lots of childish name calling words, intentionally using the wrong word for fans and stuff. Just really immature kid stuff. Lisa knows that not everyone likes TS and some people even hate her. One of her best friends hates her. She’s not unable to hear different opinions. She has her own I’m sure she’d LOVE to share with you all if you had 4 hours to spare.
He would say “Well Swiffers did x y z” she would say “Uncle Hector it’s Swifties” and he would say it again to needle at her. Rob was in the room, I was not. Rob said to him “Why do you keep using the wrong word, she told you the right word?”
Hector said he can say whatever he wants and to “cry about it.”
Rob said “It just seems like you’re going out of your way to upset Lisa”
Rob asked her to finish what she was talking about and to ignore Hector. This is when I came into the room, and Hector waved at the kids and said “Roberta’s getting real mad that someone’s joking about mother (?)”
(I wasn’t in the room so I didn’t hear the comment about me and Rob said I wouldn’t get it)
Before I could say anything Rob said “Bro did you really just call me a girl’s name? Are you 12?”
I put my hands up and said okay enough, Hector, stop. He said I’m raising soft kids who can’t take a joke. I said he’s being so effing rude and that he wouldn’t be acting like this if my husband was home. I said that if he wants to still go with us to Colorado in the summer like we were planning, he has to stop NOW or he’s not coming.
This set him off and he said I had no right to do that (yes I do) and that I’m being a controlling yak over Taylor Swift. I said no, fuck Taylor Swift, this is about you being mean to your niece because her dad isn’t home.
He said fuck you and good luck next time we have a problem, we’re on our own. He took his Costco chicken and left and I swear he must have immediately gone running to my MIL because she called me to ask for what really happened and sighed a lot. I asked her if I was overreacting and she said she just hopes we can work it out because that trip was all he had to look forward to since he was laid off from work. I HATE causing drama in the family so am I the asshole and I’m out of line?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I threatened my brother in law that he couldn’t come on vacation with us unless he changes his behavior. This is the only thing he has to look forward to and he feels he’s just being himself and my kids are too sensitive. It would make me the asshole for overreacting and ruining his vacation over my kids being “sensitive”
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
If he was really looking forward to it, that should give him some motivation to think about his behavior. NTA for you OP, you did better than most would.
You son was right. You brother in law is like a middle schooler. Great comeback that won’t get old. NTA. Who wants to go on vacation with a rude child that isn’t theirs?
NTA! You protected your kids. Your son seems wise beyond his years and brave to stand up to a family member like that. This is a perfectly reasonable natural consequence for the uncle to face. He has to be agreeable and kind to be invited on family vacations lol. That’s not a huge stretch. I hope he can come around. I’m glad your MIL didn’t like… completely take his side? But it sounds like she is a huge enabler.
There is a lot of irony in saying “I hope you can work it out because that trip was all he had to look forward to since being laid off from work.” Um well? If he cared about the trip, maybe he should be grateful and respectful to his family so as to not put it at risk. Maybe he’s a grown fucking man and shouldn’t be coddled with vacations just so he has something to look forward to.
Make sure your husband is on board, you know BIL will go to him next and will attack your parenting and your logic and your teachings. You have your head on straight. Perhaps with your husband present, you can have an adult conversation with your BIL about the role of jokes with your kids and that his jokes lead heavily with negativity, from making fun of topics to calling people the wrong names just to mess with them…like classic playground stuff, and if he wants a role in the family he needs to do better.
NTA…Is this man an adult? He has his mommy telephone you? You’ve given him the terms . He can decide how important this trip is to him. You’re raising good kids who have each other’s backs, so good on you for that.
NTA of course.
Your first priority is to protect your kids from meanies like Uncle Hector, if they’re disabled or not tbh. Kids (yes even older kids or your adult kids) deserve to be protected from mean people, even if they are related.
If he can’t behave like a normal, mature adult who doesn’t rile up kids for fun than he can’t go on a family trip. Sounds fair to me. If he really wants to come he can start behave not like an AH now, stop this weird rude behaviour and make it up to them (eg. apologise sincerely).
Respecting other people is not raising them soft. It’s raising them to be kind people with compassion, so they don’t end up like Uncle Hector.
NTA. Hector is clearly the asshole here.
NTA
Don’t bring him. Three kids on a trip is enough. You don’t need a fourth. This “it’s just a joke” nonsense is just an excuse for garbage people to be garbage, and continue to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. I wouldn’t want someone like that on a trip with me, or around my kids. Maybe he should worry less about looking forward to a trip and more about looking forward to being a better person.
Please be assured that not tolerating piss poor behavior from a grown man isn’t you starting drama.
NTA, he reminds me a little of Uncle Frank from Home Alone. Ask him if he identifies with that character. Also he’s a dipshit.
NTA
NTA – Honestly, it’s a little weird to me for your husband’s brother to be hanging out at your house while your husband is away.
NTA:
Hector is a fucking bully, but to big a chicken shit to bully adults… only children.
I would not allow him around my kids at all. Bullies aren’t offered space at my table until they show me they have changed through real honest apologies and changed actions.
NTA
“The only way to stop a bully is to stand up to them.” – Taylor Swift
Keep standing up for your kids.
He’s the AH & a bully! Keep the ass away from your kids! Do NOT let him go with you.
NTA. You’re not causing drama in the family though, are you? You’re refusing to put up with some assholes’s attempt to cause drama in your family.
Do not even considering holidaying with your BIL. He likes needling people. Don’t let him do it to your kids or YTA.
Nta, I would t pay for his trip either. He needs to grow up . He’s an asshole for no reason.
Not the Costco chicken
NTA. He needs to grow the fuck up! Consequences!
NTA Hector is having a hard time with life right now if he just got laid off, and it’s SO SAD that the only recourse he has to feel better about himself is to bully his niblings. The fact that your 16 year old son has a higher maturity and emotional intelligence level than his adult uncle says a lot (good things about you and your husband’s parenting… and bad things about Hector).
It sounds like Hector needs CONSEQUENCES – and not being able to attend a family trip with kids that he bullies, is a natural consequence.
NTA, man fuck this guy. An alleged grown ass man who enjoys picking on children, its amazing anyone puts up with this bullshit from him.
You were much more civil than I would be. If that was my son and my autistic child my wife’s brother was bullying, I most likely would have thrown him out of my house – through the bay window. Then, I’d need bail money, a contractor, etc…it just gets messy. Good job resisting that temptation. If your husband was home, I doubt he would have reacted the same way.
Unless Hector is 12, he needs to understand how to be an adult. Part of that is this:
1 – You don’t bully small children, and
2 – You don’t go crying to Mommy when somebody hurts your wittle feelings. Are you okay, Cupcake? Do you need your emotional support chicken and some essential oils?
Hector can grow some juevos, man up and apologize. He needs to apologize to your children, you, his brother for disrepecting his family, and his mother for bringing her into this. After a SINCERE apology, you can forgive his boorish conduct and move forward.
If he doesn’t, you are morally and legally obligated to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN. That includes from toxic dirtwipes like Hector. For their safety and your sanity, he needs to be kept FAR apart from your family.
NTA 100-150%, adjusting for inflation.
NTA kids always come first and a joke is not a joke if it offends. He is a very immature toxic person and you have every right to exclude him.
The fact that your own kids stood up for the younger ones and called him out on it is a sign that you are raising your kids right and that your brother was/is out of line.
The only thing I can’t help but wonder is if his attitude is also why he can’t get a new job/got laid off in the first place
NTA.
Uncle Hector is a bully and I’d
want to keep him away from my children.
OP, forget taking him to CO. The guy is an AH who likes to torment your children. Why in the world would you want him along to ruin their trip?
He’s going to slack off his comments so that you will take him and then guess what’s going to happen OP? He will once again unleash his needling comments knowing full well that now that he’s on the trip you are stuck with him. Don’t let yourself be manipulated OP.
This would be a great time to explain that unfortunately family can be bullies too. NTA.
NTA – your job is protect your children from people trying to hurt them. That miserable little man doesn’t need access to your family anymore – if your husband wants to see him, that’s his business. His only joy is hurting his own niece and nephews? That’s some sad stuff.
NTA. I love that your 16 year old son is more mature than his “grownup” uncle.
I don’t know what’s wrong with your BIL, but he needs to grow the hell up.
YOU are not causing “drama,” your BIL is with his immature actions and refusal to see that he’s not being funny, he’s bullying the kids.
Takes a real big man to go after a kid’s favorite thing as a way to anger them and then laugh at them over it.
What a horrible uncle.
NTA
Jesus, how old is this dude? The way you talk about him he sounds like an adult, but his behavior sounds like he’s younger than his nephew. NTA, there’s nothing funny about this, he’s needling your daughter for no other reason than to be cruel. Why would you want to bring someone who acts like that on vacation with you?
I have a hard time understanding why this nasty bully was in your home AT ALL displaying his pathetic personality. I can tell you right that he will NEVER stop being the person he already is. He literally spent all this time treating people like shit then ran to his mommy the minute you called him on it. Don’t take him on vacation. Don’t let him into your house. It’s not your responsibility to give him things to look forward to.
NTA
Your BIL is childish and rude and your kids don’t need to hear that being a woman is an insult. Good on you for standing up against this bully. I can’t imagine why he was fired from his job
I love the MIL who just sighed and sighed, probably watching from the next room as her moody son ate his Costco chicken.
You hear so many stories on here about MILs, I’m glad this one didn’t automatically side with the rude party
NTA- When you’re BIL grows up and decides to act like an actual adult instead of a petulant child, he may get to go on a free vacation. Until then, he can stay home.
Please don’t take your daughter’s bully on a trip with her no matter what!
Any bets on why he lost his job? 🤣
NTA. Do not take him on the trip. Babyman needs to have consequences for his childish actions. A joke is supposed to be funny. He is not funny to anyone. You should not have him around your children until he learns to act like a mature adult. Stay firm. No trip for assholes. Your mom needs to back you up and stop protecting the person who is making everyone miserable
NTA – You did a good job with Rob. You didn’t write how old Hector is but its clear that Rob is already twice the man his uncle is.
NTA – He was bullying your kids and you stood up for them like a good mom
You’re the asshole for not cutting him off already.
Why are you even thinking of going on vacation with a man who taunts your vulnerable child??
> she said she just hopes we can work it out because that trip was all he had to look forward to since he was laid off from work.
Girl, you haven’t even told him he can’t come. It would be trivially easy for him to ensure that this isn’t a problem – he literally just has to stop making fun of children. If he can’t manage that, then he has far bigger issues than a missed trip.
NTA.
NTA- but wow everyone in that family needs to STOP enabling his shitty toxic behavior. He is deliberately upsetting a child!! There is no justification for that. You are NOT the asshole but he is…100%.
Uncle Cupcake needs to grow up.