My wife left, I have three very young kids with her and life has been a very hard struggle. I’ve started counseling. The separation was just a couple months ago but divorce was finalized as of 2 days ago. Every time I see her to exchange the kiddos, I either fight back a river of tears or just let them flow. It’s not good for the kids to see me in that state, I know that. I’m just so deeply madly in love with their mom. She has moved on… I think for her the marriage was over well before the separation happened. I’ve tried to go on some small dates with people, but always feel really guilty and off about it.
Obviously there’s a lot more to the whole separation and the reasons why it happened… I’m just struggling really hard to stay focused and keep my head above water. I’m alive because my kids are. And I know that they need me in their lives.
How do I get past this?
Comments
You take the time you need to process and grieve this change in your life. I say grieve because it can be very similar to someone dying. In this case, the marriage is dead and it will take time to adjust.
I think it’s OK for your kids to see you cry. It’s valid and human emotion. It shows to them how much you miss their mom.
With some therapy and time, you’ll be able to move forward. But I wouldn’t jump into dating just yet. Sounds like you have some work to do on yourself first.
All about time. It will get easier.
Do stuff for you. Dive into your hobbies extra hard.
If you’re going to go on dates, make it just about getting to know people and that’s it. Don’t rebound. It’s not worth it.
Focus on the positive going on. It’s hard but you’ll get there
You’re on the right track. It takes time trust me. Best piece of advice I could give you is try to maintain at least a friendly relationship with your ex, it makes everything easier and the kids don’t get caught up in all the bullshit you know what I mean?
Hey man, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
Your grief is real. Crying it out isn’t weakness. I think it’s ok for your kids to see you cry, but that’s just me.
Time is your friend. It’ll get easier. Right now the most important thing is being a great parent to your kids, and I’m sure you’re knocking that out of the park, so really lean into that if you can, make the most of your time with them, it goes by so quickly.
You’ve got this man. You can do it.
Gym with intense exercise to exhaustion, TRT, lean on friends/family who care about you, focus on children wellbeing when they are with you, and get laid.
If you need, speak to your doctor… They can give you Skittles, nobody other than you and your doctor needs to know about or what kind of Skittles you have.
My man, based on what I’ve just read, you’re not ready for dates yet. Slow down, alright? You’ll get there in time.
Let go of their mom, too. She’s not for you anymore. You can still love her – and maybe you always should – but that love needs to change now. Love her as you do any other important person in your life. But she’s not your wife anymore, and the longer you hold on to that kind of love the harder this will be for everyone.
Right now, focus on becoming the best Dad you can be. Love the hell out of those kids when you have them. Make sure they feel it. Work on making your place feel like a safe and comfortable home for them. Get some routines established, so that life with you is consistent and predictable. I cannot emphasize enough how important “consistent and predictable” is. It’s really hard to get that when they’re going back and forth, but that just makes it even more important.
When you don’t have your kids, go talk to a counsellor. Work on getting a handle on your feelings. You’re 100% allowed to feel whatever you feel. But you’re going to have a hard time being the person your kids need if you are completely overwhelmed by your emotions all the time. Stuffing it down doesn’t ever work, so get with a counsellor and talk it through.
One other thought about emotions, specifically tears: you said it’s not good for your kids to see you crying. I disagree with you there, and pretty strongly. Especially if you have boys, they need to see you cry. Society has a problem with men showing vulnerability and your kids are watching you to learn what a man is. If you want your boys to have access to all of their emotions, and if you want your girls to look for an emotionally whole man, you need to set the example. So if you need to cry when you’re with them, fucking well cry. And extend them lots of grace when they need to cry.
Do those last two paragraphs seem contradictory? They’re not. There is a big difference between allowing yourself to feel and express emotions and allowing yourself to drown in them. Counselling can help you to balance those things.
I wish you all the best, man. This is gonna be hard. In the long run, though, it’ll be worth it.
Sorry to hear that, man. I’ve been there and it’s one of the worst things you can go through. I can say that the waves of emotions do subside in intensity and violence over time but you have to find non-harmful ways to ride them out.
Dating at this point should be the farthest thing from your mind because your heart won’t be in it; it still needs time to heal. Losing the companionship is a cast-iron bitch but in my own experience it’s best to use this time to rebuild yourself.
Never, ever, EVER talk bad about mom to or near the kids. Even if she doesn’t want to act right where they’re concerned (or at all). Little kids especially are hot mics and they catch EVERYTHING whether you intend for them to or not.
Also, therapy is (or should be) your friend. You’ll want a way to vent the anger and frustration and confusion and sadness. Best of luck; you can do this. 🍻