I, (18F) am home from uni for the summer and have been avoiding my dad (49M) and stepmom (55F), staying more with my mom (53F), who I’m much closer to.
My stepmom’s been around since I was 9, but I didn’t really live with her until I was 12. She’s always been critical, she once yelled at me for wanting to paint my room pink because it clashed with her “aesthetic.” She frequently screamed at me over small things like socks on the floor, and she gets upset on Mother’s Day if I don’t make a huge deal of it.
My dad claims she “practically raised me,” but I’ve never felt close to her. She recently started telling my little cousins she’s my “real mom,” even though my biological mom is alive and very involved. At our July 4th party, I corrected a cousin by saying she’s my stepmom, and she blew up. My dad backed her, saying I was disrespectful.
Earlier this year, I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt. My stepmom was more upset about the cost than my safety. My actual mom got me help and supported me. I’m now in treatment, doing better, and working towards law school. My boyfriend’s been great, and I’m rebuilding.
My mom says to give my stepmom grace “because of the stress,” but I think she’s just avoiding conflict with my dad. I don’t feel right pretending my stepmom’s something she’s not—especially given how she’s treated me and my mom.
However, I understand my mom’s POV because she grew up with a stepmom who she hated, and she regrets how things happened now that they’re close. I understand as well my mom’s trying to have things straighten out.
So… AITAH for standing my ground?
Comments
NTA
She’s lucky that you call her stepmom, instead of dad’s replacement lady.
i would suggest finding a summer job when you’re home for the summer so that you don’t really have to deal with your step mom. some people are really mean and there’s not much you can do about a mean spirited person. she’s also weird for wanting to keep pushing the idea of being your “mom” when your mom hasn’t neglected you. does she have her own children?
You’re NTA you’re setting healthy boundaries and protecting your relationship with your actual mom. That’s valid.
NTA. She IS your stepmother. My stepchildren don’t tell me happy Mother’s Day because I’m not their mother. She’s wrong, your dad is wrong & you are right.
You can’t force someone to love another person, certainly not through pressure and guilt. If you wanted to call her “Mom,” you would. But you don’t, and this upsets her, but her expectation is out of life. Your only job now is to take care of yourself, never again to let this tension cause you to self-harm. Plz check in with a doctor, or call a hotline. You’re too important to let this undo you. Update me. hug
Just start calling your dad Grandpa or Cousin “Jim” (whatever his name is), and when he says something, be like “Oh, I thought we were just arbitrarily making up familial titles for each other, my bad.”
No nta
If they don’t want you calling her stepmom, refer to her by her first name and as dad’s wife. You don’t have to have a relationship with someone who is verbally abusive to you.
All relationships are different, nothing says that you will ever get closer to your stepmother.
NTA… you are using the correct term.
NO. SHE IS YOUR STEP MOTHER! I have very strong feelings about this that are my own and personal but the reality is plainly this. she is your step mom. It’s not your fault she was the second Mrs. Whomever.
She clearly in your very brief description, was controlling. But she can’t control that fact that YOU DID NOT COME OUT OF HER VAGINA!
HER PLACE IN YOUR LIFE IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Then of course since the cousins have now been told and this STEPMOM has actually been told (by you! ) that’s your win.
I’m not saying there needs to be a win, but for your mind and heart…you won.
No one, btw who thought that cost had ANYTHING to do with life, mental health and welfare could actually be called a mother. I’d give my heart if my child needed a heart! I’d have given every cent ( I actually have!) If it meant helping my child. No one wants to argue THAT POINT WITH ME. SERIOUSLY, JUST DONT. Children are a gift. You just continue being who you are. Her drama of ownership ( especially ownership over the mother that gave birth to you) is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. ITS HER DRAMA! Not yours. I’d love to know how you decide to go or to know any more that you are living if you EVER need another ear, or if your mom does, I’m here. No one *ucks with someone’s kids. I would say that I had a second wife of my children’s father try to remove me. It didn’t go well for her, but it was a nightmare for me and my children. Si do have “a biased heart AND unfortunately for many, lol a biased MOUTH! GO AHEAD STEP MOMS…LOL GO AHEAD! IF YOU DESERVE IT “they” will say my other Mom. And your bio mom would be so pleased that she did so good by you, that she wouldn’t find anything wrong with that name.
“I’m sorry I called you stepmom. I didn’t realize how much that would upset you. From now on, I will more accurately refer to you as my dad’s wife.”
NTA but Grace goes both ways.
You can either have a sit down with your step mother and let her know you’d like a relationship with her (if you really do) but she must face the fact you have a mother whom you love and is very much a part of your life.
If she can’t accept that I’d go NC. I could not engage with much less respect someone who disrespects me and my mother.
NTAH
But I wonder. Is your stepmom Asian and unable to express her feelings well? Does she have bio kids? Maybe she comes off complaining about inane things because she is unable to or does not know how to tell you her feelings. Take my questions with a grain of salt and this is not meant to be against you or anyone. Just some food to fodder.
NTA. Does your mother know that this woman is not only yelling at you for any dumb reason, but is going around and telling people that she’s your “real mom?”
NTA – Titles don’t make relationships. I call my stepkids, my stepkids;and myself their stepmom. Not because we don’t have a good relationship, but because they actively have a mom. It’s for clarity. So titles are not the problem here.
Tell her calling her Mother will not make her MORE your family. Calling her stepmom or stepmother just shows how she fits in the big picture. If she wants to be closer she’ll have to get real chill, real fast. Cause ALL THIS isn’t going to do it.
There are 3 kinds of “Steps”:
Sounds like your Mom got #1, but possibly resented her as a child and grew to love her. That doesn’t mean the same will happen with you with #2. Frankly, it sounds like your StepMother is attempting to erase your dear kind and generous Mother. I really doubt that you’ll ever regret keeping your distance from such a creature. NTA Greatest of luck with uni.
Your dad’s wife still has a lot to learn to become a stepmother, let alone a ‘bonus mom’ or whatever the heck the semantics nuts want to call it today.
She’ll get there. Or not.
But that’s not on you, to make it happen.
I’m not even a stepparent myself, but I know rule nr one is that you don’t push kids to call you titles they’re not comfortable with.
Rule nr 2 is that you don’t push out the actual parents.
I don’t know how many rules there are, but somewhere in the book of guidelines should be ‘worry about your stepkid, when they’re having a medical emergency, and not overlook that, to focus on the financial cost’
It’s not THAT hard….
Perhaps if she spent half as much time to actually be likeable, and have interest in you, instead of what tiara and ribbon she gets to wear, you would actually feel close to her.
NTA
Your situation is not the same as your mom’s. You, quite rightly, are saying that you have a mom and a stepmom. If stepmom doesn’t like the distinction, she should not have married your father. Stepmom is way out of line to tell your cousins anything different, and so is your dad. NTA.
NTA, no matter how much she wants the fantasy to be true, she did not give birth to you and will never be your mom.
Im 25 and my dad is dead, my biological mother literally thrives and survives in the streets of Rhode Island she has for almost my entire life….
My stepmom has stepped in as my backbone since I was 8 and we’ve had INSANE issues between us since I turned 18 she hired a petting zoo to come for her new child’s 3rd birthday party but couldn’t sit with me for 10-15 minutes to explain healthcare and what I needed to do to be able to take care of myself and then I ended up at the er too in a very similar fashion however it seemed to me that the hospital was like “this is a fuckin family issue send this chick back home” and my stepmom had literally left me there but i got bit by a tick last night and you know what I did? Sent her 18 pictures this morning freaking out to ask for help because she has shown me that she’s willing to be reliable for me even if she didn’t create me
Your stepmom is a totally different fucking story
I don’t even call my Wicked Stepmother my Wicked Stepmother… apart from the time I just did, and the 100000 times I did before and since.
Oh baby, you are not the a🤭hole. Not even close. You don’t owe anybody a fake title, a fake bond, or a fake relationship just to make them feel comfortable especially not someone who’s been dismissive, critical, and emotionally harmful to you.
Let’s talk about it real quick:
🚩 She screamed at you over pink paint because it clashed with her aesthetic?
🚩 She’s been more worried about money than your mental health after a suicide attempt?
🚩 She’s out here telling people she’s your “real mom” while your actual mother is present and supportive?
🚩 And now she’s trying to guilt-trip you for correcting someone and standing in your truth?
That’s not love. That’s not care. That’s control and erasure.
You are allowed to say, “She is my stepmother.” That’s not disrespect that’s a fact. And the fact that your dad is more upset about that word than he is about how you’ve been treated? Whew. That tells you everything you need to know.
Keep your boundaries, baby. Stay low-contact if that protects your peace. And let your mama know with love that grace is earned not owed. Your stepmother is a grown woman who knows damn well what she’s doing. And grown women who know better need to do better.
You’re not being mean. You’re being honest. You’re choosing healing. You’re choosing you.
Proud of you for standing your ground. 💛
Love always,
Your Internet Auntie
P.S. Don’t ever feel bad for naming your truth. It’s not your job to carry someone else’s delusion.
NTA. Stick with your boundaries. She sounds like a handful!!