I (F22) currently live with my mom and stepdad in a small one-bedroom apartment out of necessity (work, college, and the rental market). I’ll be here for about another year. They use the closed-off living room as their bedroom, and recently asked me to temporarily switch to their smaller bedroom so we can spend more time together before I move far away. I agreed.
I pay a third of the rent, do groceries, cook, clean, and handle repairs. Even though I work and study the most out of us three, I try to contribute equally—we’re all adults, and I don’t want to feel like I “owe” them.
Here’s the problem: my mom just told me that a friend of hers (whom I’ve never met) is coming to visit with her family of three next weekend—and that I’ll be sharing my room with the friend. She never asked or even mentioned it until after she said yes to them. That hurt me deeply. It brought back memories from my childhood when relatives or random guests would unexpectedly stay over, often sleeping in my bed or on the kitchen floor, and I was never asked for my input.
When I calmly told her I was upset she didn’t talk to me first, she got emotional (she was also a bit drunk) and accused me of being dramatic. She said, “It’s just a weekend, get over yourself,” and that I was putting her in a tough spot because she “couldn’t say no” to her friends. Especially, since she invited them 2 years ago (before I moved to her) and they finally had an opportunity to this and was very excited about those guests. Meanwhile, I never even invited my best friend over out of respect for how cramped our apartment is.
What really bothers me isn’t that guests are coming—it’s that she didn’t even consider discussing it with me or my stepdad first. I feel like a child again, being told what to accept without a say in my own living space. I would’ve understood if she handled it respectfully and involved us in the decision.
She said it would be rude to ask guests to wait while she checks with her family first. To me, that’s just basic consideration. I’m even thinking about staying elsewhere that weekend just to avoid the tension, if I can find a place. It, unfortunately, led to an argument I hoped to avoid. Now she cries and tells I killed the mood. That I need be more open and flexible. This while situation caught me off guard.
AITA for being angry about the lack of communication, not the visit itself? I’m open for advice how can we handle this.
*English is not my first language.
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I (F22) currently live with my mom and stepdad in a small one-bedroom apartment out of necessity (work, college, and the rental market). I’ll be here for about another year. They use the closed-off living room as their bedroom, and recently asked me to temporarily switch to their smaller bedroom so we can spend more time together before I move far away. I agreed.
I pay a third of the rent, do groceries, cook, clean, and handle repairs. Even though I work and study the most out of us three, I try to contribute equally—we’re all adults, and I don’t want to feel like I “owe” them.
Here’s the problem: my mom just told me that a friend of hers (whom I’ve never met) is coming to visit with her family of three next weekend—and that I’ll be sharing my room with the friend. She never asked or even mentioned it until after she said yes to them. That hurt me deeply. It brought back memories from my childhood when relatives or random guests would unexpectedly stay over, often sleeping in my bed or on the kitchen floor, and I was never asked for my input.
When I calmly told her I was upset she didn’t talk to me first, she got emotional (she was also a bit drunk) and accused me of being dramatic. She said, “It’s just a weekend, get over yourself,” and that I was putting her in a tough spot because she “couldn’t say no” to her friends. Especially, since she invited them 2 years ago (before I moved to her) and they finally had an opportunity to this and was very excited about those guests. Meanwhile, I never even invited my best friend over out of respect for how cramped our apartment is.
What really bothers me isn’t that guests are coming—it’s that she didn’t even consider discussing it with me or my stepdad first. I feel like a child again, being told what to accept without a say in my own living space. I would’ve understood if she handled it respectfully and involved us in the decision.
She said it would be rude to ask guests to wait while she checks with her family first. To me, that’s just basic consideration. I’m even thinking about staying elsewhere that weekend just to avoid the tension, if I can find a place. It, unfortunately, led to an argument I hoped to avoid. Now she cries and tells I killed the mood. That I need be more open and flexible. This while situation caught me off guard.
AITA for being angry about the lack of communication, not the visit itself? I’m open for advice how can we handle this.
*English is not my first language.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mom tells me I hurt her feelings for being too firm and not flexible, though I’m indeed strict with my boundaries no matter who it is. She calls me too harsh and I think she acts irresponsibly for an adult. Our miscommunication kills our relationship. Am I an asshole for standing on my ground even if it can lead to an argument?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You pay your way and you’ve never met these guests. You have every right to be annoyed, even pissed the hell off, that she just decided all this without at least discussing it with you to find a middle ground you’re both happy with
NTA
It’s her house but not telling you is a lack of consideration. It’s not just about what’s fair or whose house it is, or who pays what, you’re her child and your feelings should matter for her.
If my adult child was living in my house, I would respect them and it would be important for me that they feel comfortable. If them being there becomes a problem because I really want to have guests and I can’t, I would tell them to move out.
But inviting guests and making them share the room with you without even telling you isn’t okay. If you can, definitely go somewhere else for the weekend…
You asked what you could do.
I recommend finding a friend to stay with for that weekend, if at all possible, and if not, stay in a cheap hotel or motel. Tell your Mom that you are really happy that her friends are able to visit her after two years, and that you want her to have a wonderful time with them, so you are going to let them have quality time together.
She is your mom. She made a mistake. You are all adults. Live, learn, and move on.
NTA. You are an adult, you have a right to say yes or no to sharing your sleeping space with a complete stranger.
4 extra people in a 1 bed flat that already has 3 adults in it is also going to create a hugely cramped living situation.
Your Mom may he embarrassed that she is now living somewhere much smaller than she was when she originally offered her home for her friend to stay with her, but she needs to tell them. They too probably wouldn’t be keen on the proposed situation of sharing with you in a tiny room.
NTA. She’s probably just falling back on old habits that she had when you were a kid, where your input didn’t matter, but you’re an adult now, so she can’t do that anymore.
Ask her how she would feel if you suddenly announced you were going to have a friend over and you promised that friend would share the room with your mom and stepdad. You’re 22 now, not 12.
NTA
Her friend can sleep in tge floor of tgeir room.
NTA
NTA who invites 3 people to stay in a one bedroom apartment that already has 3 people?
Even if you weren’t paying rent, how is that going to be comfortable for the guests?
Focus on finding somewhere else for the weekend if you can. I would say no to anyone in the room I pay for unless I invited them. This for me is worth fighting for.
Why can’t the guests sleep in your mother’s bed? She’s the one who invited them to visit, not you.
NTA. You handled it just right. You pay rent, you’re an adult. Your mother hasn’t adjusted to those facts. She should.
NTA, but your mom doesn’t have any common sense if there are three people in a one bedroom apt and she invites 3 more people in and tells you that you are sharing your space. Why don’t you rent a room from someone and leave your mom’s apartment.
“No, you invited them so they can share YOUR room. Theyre not welcome to my sleeping space. Tell step-dad, I’m sure he’ll be stoked.” Stand your ground on this. Nta