How can I trust? 36M – 34F

I have been with my wife for more than 13 years. 2 years into our relationship we had our first child. 1 year later the second came. Due to expenses and growth needed we didn’t wed until 2018.

At the start, I was heavily addicted to substances. She has never done anything like that and it was a shock and a glimpse into an unknown world for her. She stood by my side trying relentlessly to be there for me and to get me sober. 4 years in and she gave me the ultimatum, change or we’re gone. So I did. I couldn’t/can’t imagine a life without my best friend and my children. In my eyes, they are my life. Getting sober was difficult but she was there. She was there through therapy, through mental diagnosis, and the time it took for my psychologist to treat my illness.

Everything started to turn around very quickly after my mental health journey. I found success and growth in my newly established career, my wife was/is happy. She is my queen and I treat her as such.

I wanted to share the above before I spoke on what I actually need your opinions on. Just to show a brief glimpse into our past, though not the greatest of comebacks but we made it and we came together stronger than ever.

My wife used to handle all of our expenses. That is until she had a breakdown and dissociated from taking an additional dose of her medication. It was a terrifying experience. Shamefully I just worked and helped with the house and kids. I wasn’t involved and she needed me. she came to me after the hospital stint and after we found out what caused it admitting to a mistake. She was using predatory payday loans and other sketchy loan services to replace money that was taking from us by a civil suit. We never paid the hospital bill for our second child. Complete transparency, I though it was paid. She never put my insurance nor gave them my card and we owed the whole bill. On top of a garnishment she payed them all of our savings. This is where I wish she would have told me. We could have overcame this together. She broke down under the stress of hiding it and trying to do it alone. She said it was because I was excelling at work and didn’t need the stress.

I was hurt because she hid something from me. The money we can take care of but our trust is something that should cherished and protected. We ended up closing my 401k and pooling some other funds together to pay everything and start over. That is until I noticed a charge on our account.

Once the debt was paid she continued to use these apps and quickly fell into debt again. I felt betrayed but I couldn’t leave her, I couldn’t stay mad. I love her and our children need her. So I payed it again but this time I had to ask my parents and hers for help. They did thankfully. It didn’t make sense though. We had plenty of money. We not rich but we are somewhere between being able to vacation and being able to pay for whatever surprises life throws at us. Comfortable. I wasn’t going to make her live this day over and over so we had a heart to heart. I explained that we have expenses coming that we need to save for. Like college and savings for our children on top of our retirement. I explained this while balling my eyes out due to the betrayal. But she didn’t give up on me so I won’t her.

Fast forward a few years. Life has blessed us and we are a happy family. We can afford our life style and save. We decided we both wanted one more child and we unfortunately experienced an ectopic pregnancy. She was a mess as was I. But she took it as her fault. I urged her to seek help through therapy and stood by her side hiding my pain. Because it was her body and I can’t truly understand how she feels given my anatomy. I made sure financially we got through it. I had already taken the over paying the bills to ease stress and this was handled quickly.

Christmas that year came and my wife started to glow again. It was as if she finally came to terms with the help of therapy and time with what happened. Christmas came to pass and the boys birthdays were next. She came to me again. She explained that she never stopped and lied about the money and payoffs. She was now over 7,500 dollars in debt. I was crushed, this shocked me. She never came to me and we had that much in savings. Why would you do this? Is all I could say. I found out that she was pregnant again during the same conversation. I had to forgive her and take care of it. We had a baby coming. I paid everything again but this time I told her if she does this again I don’t think I can forgive her. It could potentially ruin our relationship. She begged and pleaded with apologies.

Our baby came healthy and happy. A little girl to complete our family. (Our two older children are boys.) she is seven months old now and life is again going well. That is until today as I was going over expenses and paying towards our credit cards. I couldn’t believe my eyes. 645 dollars to a crowd sourced funding app. I demanded her phone (something I never do) she handed it over and I found the app. My wife is predictable in terms of passwords and I got it on the first try. For the last year she has borrowed as much as her paycheck and paid it back with her next one. She has paid over 9k in interest and fees. All while we have had between 4.5k to 13k in our accounts.

I demanded answers, she claims she doesn’t know why she did it. She promises she won’t ever borrow again. I asked why if we have money and she just stares at me. I’m a mess. This time it seems paid with her next check but who knows. Everything she said and promised was a lie. The reasoning doesn’t exist. She’s just saying it’s the last time. Just like the last three over the years. I love her but I can’t have her jeopardizing our family’s financial future. Our children’s college funds. Our chance to see the world together. I can’t allow this. But I can’t leave. She’s my best friend. She saved me from myself and I can’t save her from whatever this is.

Any advice would be helpful. I’m emotionally exhausted and can’t comprehend my situation. I’ve been hiding it from everyone around us because I don’t want them to think negatively about her. I’m stuck and I just don’t know what to think or do.

Sorry for the long post.

TL;DR My wife keeps borrowing money even though we have it and it’s costing us a fortune. She’s promised to be done and I truly thought it was. A year after the last instance. Today I found another loan and I found out she has been lying the entire time.