I feel like I’m going crazy and need some advice from outside of my friend group. I (26F) recently started dating a guy (25M) I see at my local gym, and he was very sweet when we first started talking. He makes me happy when I’m around him, but recently he’s been doing some things that have been making me feel as if I’m the bad guy and a terrible girlfriend. I need an outside perspective.
So, here we go. About a week ago, he and I where cuddling in bed, no issues thus far, when he decides to bring up the fact that he has a daughter… which I thought was a wild thing to bring up 2 months into him dating me at this point… a bit late imo, but I get it. I was a little taken from the comment but I was fine that he had a daughter, more hurt that he didn’t tell me earlier… That was fine until he follows up by saying he is still living with his daughter’s mother even though they weren’t on speaking terms. I obviously wasn’t a fan when he told me that, so I start questioning him about her, why they were living together still, did she know about me, etc the normal questions when you get blindsided like that out of nowhere. This conversation goes on about 30 minutes (it felt like eternity) until I start crying and getting emotional because he’s avoiding my questions.
It’s only when I start crying that he tells me it’s all a joke… he doesn’t have a daughter, and he isn’t living with his fake daughter’s mother. He just wanted to see how I would react if I was ever with a man in that situation. I feel like I reacted in a normal way by of course continuing to cry, just harder now. I try to keep my composure so I don’t yell at him, but I start scolding him sternly for A. lying to me and B. emotionally manipulating me to see a reaction.
What confused me was how he responded to me. He told me he wasn’t manipulating me since it was a joke and he wasn’t forcing me to do anything. Which in the moment made me think I was going crazy, since I know what manipulation is, regardless of his definition of the word. But he made me start second-guessing myself. We went back and forth for awhile arguing, all while he is remaining calm and emotionless while I’m still crying my eyes out. I really don’t think he knew what he did hurt me as much as it did. After awhile, we eventually decided to put it aside and try to mend things. I am still hurt and stuck on what happened, but I do feel a little crazy still over the whole situation.
Additionally, the other day he texted me that he was going to come visit me the next day; however, he never told me when. When he came over to visit me, he didn’t warn me he was coming over and I wasn’t at my house. I told him I wasn’t home when he asked me to come outside to see him real quick, and he got mad at me for not telling him I was gone. However, I would have told him had I known he was coming over at that specific time.
After that situation, he had been giving me the silent treatment so I decided to text and ask if he was mad at me. He responded today and scolded me for wasting his time because I didn’t tell him I wasn’t going to be at home. I told him he can’t be mad at me for not knowing exactly when he was going to come over if didn’t know when. He is still currently mad at me and I don’t know how to make things better. He just needs to be better at telling me specifics is all, and I don’t think we would’ve had this problem. It’s not like I purposefully mean to waste his time.
I feel like I just can’t win with him. He is all about communication and fixing our problems, but whenever we do I feel like he just pushes my feelings to the side. I really care for him, but I really don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? Am I thinking too much about all this?
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Please just read your own headline and think this through. How can this in any way be normal, let alone acceptable behaviour? He is not ‘communicating and fixing your problems’ as he his trying to make you believe, he is brutally manipulating you and it’s straight up abusive. He is making you question your own reality, the only response to that should be running far far away.
Please break up with this AH. He was in fact emotionally manipulating you. Jokes are supposed to be funny. You’re only a couple months in and he’s acting this way. He’s testing you to see what he can get away with. It will only get worse from here.
Lose this asshole.
Seriously.
This is far from normal, sounds like he’s either an immature idiot or a manipulator, neither are good to have as a partner. The 1st few months is when a relationship is meant to be great and partners are usually on their best behaviour. If he’s like this now after only 8weeks in, thank him for showing you his true colours this early and saving you wasting anymore of your time on him. Then walk away.
This is super toxic and abusive please be careful and leave this person.
This is not a normal healthy way to behave- find someone someone else to date. You are young and this is really f***ed up behavior.
Emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence.
It’s not a joke. He is manipulating you.
You’re not over thinking this, this is weird. I have a suspicion that he wasn’t joking about the kid and his living situation, but instead he’s very ashamed of it. That he decided to call it a joke because he got scared. Now he’s trying to justify that you are the problem, because that would be easier for him to digest.
You need to wake up and leave. You’ve been with this man for 8 weeks💀, he lied about something extremely serious that honestly makes it sound like he’s cheating on his wife with you and never told you. Then as you’re balling your eyes out telling him how hurt you are he sits there and stares at you calmly?? Not even offering any sort of comfort? After lying about having a child with and living with another woman?💀 he’s gonna keep doing shit like this and everytime he does something weird like this he will watch you react with full satisfaction and no remorse. Leave this sociopath now.
This guy loves playing mind games and fucking with you. He really wants to see you off kilter and upset, because it gives him power and the upper hand over your emotions, so he can either “fix” things (but really, it’s about control) or “name” them. You recognized his manipulation when you saw it, hence his upping the ante, keeping you guessing and on edge, giving you the silent treatment, and punishing you, so he could wrest back control.
Gurl, run far and fast from this guy. It’s not just that his supposed-jokes aren’t funny. He’s got some kind of psychopathy. There’s no fixing him and you’re right – you can’t win.
You’re only 2 months in. It shouldn’t be this hard or terrible. He’s totally in the wrong yet has you running in circles trying to figure out what you did wrong and how not to make him mad. Please, do not do this to yourself. Set yourself free.
It’s very manipulative and far from normal. He seems to be testing you to see what he can get away with later.
This guy is very manipulative, and after 2 months, his games are ridiculous.
Get out now whilst you can- he’s mega toxic and is testing you to see how he can control you. Just end it!
This is not a good guy. Walk away.
I agree with everyone – leave. You’re dating the for a few.months, you realize you’re not compatible, you move on.
I am once again begging women to have some self-respect and to not cling to men who emotionally abuse them with “tests” and cold-shouldering, and who treat them like incompetents or children.
Have you ever actually been to his home? Are you certain that him having this child and still living with his ex is in fact some stupid relationship test? Either way, for me it doesn’t matter. You are two months into the relationship and he has already shown complete disrespect for both your emotions and your autonomy. If he did in fact make up a story because he thought it was a funny joke to make you hurt and upset, then that’s disgusting. What are you supposed to do, let him know every time you leave the house in case he stops by? He’s showing way too many bright red flags very early on in the relationship to waste one more moment trying to figure this guy out. Drop him like the toxic mess his very clearly is.
Oh my goodness, just dump him. You won’t be able to win with him he’s going to tie you up in knots I’m sure you’ll be apologizing for not being home. But he should have told you when he was planning on coming over or he could have texted you first thing I was thinking of coming over at 3:00, does that work for you? But he didn’t do either of those did he? And for someone who’s big on communication he’s lousy at it. No he’s just playing games, move on.
Yikes. Who needs this from the person who should be their safe place, their comfort and refuge?
Walk away now. You are smart enough to know this is all wrong. It’s not you—it’s him.
“He is all about communication and solving our problems”
Then:
“He is giving me the silent treatment”
GIRL. Seriously? Come on….
Luckily you’ve only wasted 2 months on this asshole. Don’t waste another minute.
This is an abuser and he is testing you. He probably does in fact have a daughter but you’ll never know now because you are going to dump him and block him before he sinks you down into a hole too deep to claw your way out of.
You barely know this piece of trash. Get him out of your life before he rots away anywhere near you.
Nah, you’re not “too sensitive”, he’s just a manipulative jerk hiding it under a calm tone to make you feel crazy. That fake-child stunt? Pure emotional manipulation. The unannounced visit then sulking? Controlling. Silent treatment? Immature and toxic.
You do know what to do, you just don’t want to admit it yet: dump him. You can’t “fix” someone who thinks your feelings are a joke. Get out now before he wears you down more.
When the other one does a test like that, the only way to “pass” the test is by breaking up with them. That is not OK to do to someone else.
Girl, after only 2 months, move on. This guy is playing games you cant win, and you wouldn’t like the prize anyway.
It’s 2 months in, and he’s gaslighting you and playing games. I almost don’t believe he was joking about having a kid. I think he’s a habitual liar, and you deserve better. This guy doesnt respwc you. Please, please move on.
It’s been only 2 months and he’s acting like a total ahole. Forget him and his stupid games.
JFC, he’s nuts!
Dump the boyfriend. You deserve so much better than him!
2 month in and you’ve not been to his to know this was BS. I’d say there’s some truth hidden in his bs. I’d leave him
Run. Run fast and far. Block this chump everywhere.
Don’t let him play Schrodinger’s Butthead: He’ll say something hurtful and outrageous and decide if it’s a joke based on your reaction.
He love bombed you and is now fucking with your head. This is only going to get worse from here.
You feel like you can’t win with him because he cheats at being an adult in a healthy relationship.
You deserve better.
He’s testing you to see how much bullshit you’ll put up with. I would immediately get rid of him. A man who gets joy out of pranking you is mean. This test about you needing to be there but he wasn’t going to tell you when he was showing up is ridiculous. He’s trying to see what he can get away with and how much he can put you through. Move on
This is not a good relationship, this is not a good guy. A good guy would not make up an insane lie and pretend he didn’t understand why you would be upset. A good guy would not show up unannounced at your house and get mad at you for not being there. This guy is not trustworthy. Choosing to stay with him is choosing to be hurt.
Do you need to figure out why all his bad behavior doesn’t make you want to immediately cut him free. Users look for people who are easy targets. Every chance you give him tells him you’re an easy target. Deserve a person that actually likes you please cut this guy free
He might not have a child but he is one.
He is all about communication and fixing our problems
No, he is not. He is all about gaslighting and manipulating you.
Do not ever “put things aside” or “brush things off” when someone does something fucked up. Do not tolerate even one time something you don’t want to tolerate for a lifetime.
Ask him to explain how this “joke” is funny.
He is testing you, to see how far he can push you and have you come back to him, apologetic for pissing him off.
Don’t go back.
I didn’t read past the first two paragraphs. Why would anyone say something like that? Does he really have a child? Is he really living with an ex gf? Because it sounds like a set up to condition you to accept that he’s a liar, he’s cheating or planning on cheating with you and/or another woman or to see how much bs he can feed you before you get rid of him.
This guy is not a great guy by any means
Nope. Anyone who treats a partner this way needs to be single.
He is making you feel like the bad guy and a terrible girlfriend. That should be enough for you to end it. What you really said is: he’s mean to me. You can do better.
People who play emotional games like this have some kind of mental or emotional problem, maybe both. Tread lightly and pay close attention to any more of this manipulation if you’re not ready to call it quits. If it turns out to be a normal behavior of theirs, run, run fast and far. Don’t look back.
He’s a loony and you should dump him. Thankfully he revealed his true scumbag self only two months into the relationship.
Just move on. You can do better than some guy who likes tormenting you for his own amusement.
I get the impression that this guy is one who has enough empathy to know how you feel, but who just doesn’t care as long as he gets what he wants, although as I am not a therapist dealing with sociopathy, and someone who has never met this guy, I don’t want to go so far as to label him a sociopath.
The bottom line is that he lied to, and emotionally manipulated you to get a reaction out of you. When you called him out on it, he labelled it as a joke and then started gaslighting you to try and make you think that you are the problem.
No.
The problem here is the guy you are talking to, and who thinks that this is acceptable behaviour.
He will communicate, and communicate effectively, when he feels that is the best way to get what he wants; and he will gaslight and manipulate you when he feels that is a better tactic than effective communication.
Additionally, you now know that he is capable of pulling this kind of stunt, and you will never be entirely sure in the future whether this is another test, another “joke”, another experiment to manipulate your emotions, or if this time he is telling the truth.
He IS manipulating you. And he has no right to test you. He won’t change. And he didn’t care about you crying your eyes out. Don’t let him tell you that you don’t feel manipulated. He played with your emotions, THAT is manipulation and he’s treating it like it’s not a big deal. He doesn’t like that you’re upset, but he’s getting all pissy when it was his fault he didn’t let you know what time he was coming over? You are right. You will never be able to win with this guy. Let him go before you become too invested.
Even if you were two years in, this wouldn’t be ok. Cut your losses. He’s not the guy for you.
Do you have a therapist or even an emotionally smart friend you trust? Bc you’re making terrible decisions with this guy and it’s important to fix that before you continue dating (anyone. I hope it’s clear this guy has to go).
I think the GF and child are real and the lie is when he backed off and called it a joke. But it doesn’t even matter because you need to get out of the relationship anyway, the control and anger about you being at home is 1000% unacceptable, especially in the honeymoon period when he should be doing his best to look good.
Your life will get better when you’re free of his behavior!
He basically blindfolded you with a red flag. Only two months in? Cut your losses. Get out.
He is clearly not all about communication. I think you deserve better than all those mind games.
How do you know he was lying? Have you been to his home? Do you know any of his family? No it is not normal. You are not being sensitive enough. He sounds cagey and not worth your time.
Yeah this is Not Good. Exit this situation. He’s either lying about joking or he is not, neither is good! And scolding you? So early in your relationship?? No way! He is a class A manipulator/abuser. Leave him!
He sounds exhausting and yes manipulative.
Have you been to his place?
Break up with him, he’s gaslighting you and making you think you are responsible for his mistakes and communication problems. He’s trying to make you doubt yourself and break your confidence, and it’s working. Get rid of the dead weight.
He is being intentionally cruel and playing mind games. Just stop. You now realize, he’s not for you.
Run
Red flags are flying… Please see them. He was manipulating and testing you. You don’t deserve that shit.
Girl stop making excuses. He’s a grown ass man, he knows exactly wtf he’s doing and how hurtful it is. 1, That was not a joke except in the sense that HE thought it was funny to upset you, 2, who tf TELLS not ASKS someone they’re coming to their HOUSE then gets pissy you weren’t waiting on him with bells on, 3, he literally does not give a shit about your thoughts or feelings. That’s why he pushes them aside, because he doesn’t care. He wants you to trip all over yourself to keep him happy while he does fuck all in return for you. He doesn’t give a shit about communication , he cares about browbeating you into compliance. Its been two months and he’s already actively manipulating and upsetting you because he thinks it’s funny, what do you think he’s going to be like in six months, or a year? What do you think YOU’LL be like? I dated someone like that for all of ten months and took YEARS to recover, do not do this to yourself. I swear promise you he does not bring ANYTHING of enough value to your life to put up with him intentionally upsetting you and mistreating you like that. Not ever, but sure as shit not two months in. Cut your loses, he is NOT worth it