How do I [23/F] bring up a kink to my boyfriend [30/M] that I’ve never brought up before?

r/

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months now. It started kinda casual but I think we are somewhat more serious now– especially about our communication. More so me because it takes me a little longer to open up; he’s honestly been very good about communicating from the start.

The sex is actually great and he’s helped me explore a few things I never thought I’d try which is why I wanted to ask about approaching him with a different kink of mine that I’ve never been comfortable sharing with others in real life. Namely, I have a cnc (consensual-non consent) fetish and for obvious reasons I haven’t even thought about trying it until now. I know it can be dangerous and I know it’s also looked down upon.

The reason I feel somewhat more comfortable bringing it up even though I don’t know how to is because I accidentally read my boyfriend’s group chat.

It wasn’t in malice or anything nor because I don’t trust my boyfriend. Quite the contrary, in fact. I was at his place and he asked me to bring him his phone from the bedroom. I accidentally read some of the notifications and I admit, even though I shouldn’t have pried, curiosity got the better of me because the content was somewhat connected to the kink I mentioned.

I won’t go into details but the context of their messages was something along the lines of rougher gangbangs/threesomes. They were joking about it in their group chat and that they’ve done that.

Obviously I wasn’t mad or anything and I have a lot of trust in my boyfriend but that sparked the idea of trying to somehow bring up my kink/fetish even though I’m honestly kinda scared of saying it out loud. Is there a way I can start this conversation with him without being direct and/or telling him I’ve read his group chat even though it wasn’t with bad intentions? We’ve spoken about kinks like MMF and/or similar kinks in the past so it wouldn’t be out of nowhere but it’s obviously a sensitive topic and I don’t want to come off as weird and pushy about something this serious.

TL;DR: I want to bring up a (potentially) sensitive kink/fetish to my boyfriend but I’m unsure on how to approach the situation and if it’s even the right call do to so.

Comments

  1. AutoModerator Avatar

    Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:

    • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

    • We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.

    • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

    • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

    • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

    • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.

    • Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.

    • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

    If you have any questions, please message the mods


    This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.


    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

  2. toteslegoat Avatar

    You want him to ask his group chat homies to run a train on you?

  3. WhippyWombat Avatar

    “I recently discovered I have a potentially crazy kink… do you want to hear about it?”

    Dont overcomplicate it. 🙂

  4. GodIsAGas Avatar

    Have the conversation in the cold light of day – gives you both necessary distance.

    I’m guessing that you might want to open this to a MMF type scenario. But don’t start there. Start with something that involves just the two of you.

    Then give him time to think on it. CNC is hardcore and it can be emotionally hard on the two of you, but in different ways.

    If he’s enthusiastically down, make sure you both clearly set out red lines and boundaries. And always have a safe word/gesture. Red, amber, green is as good as any. And red means stop – no ifs and buts. It ends the scene and it’s over.

    And think about aftercare – what do you both need from each other after.

    Finally, make sure you debrief – what worked, what did not. And if he’s not enthusiastically into this – then leave it be. CNC is seriously hardcore – and it really isn’t for everyone.

  5. CleanAd5623 Avatar

    Get drunk or high or whatever, get down in the bedroom, and then introduce aspects of the kink, and tell him to do the things you want him to do. Much easier than talking about it over breakfast.

  6. Dry-Butterscotch4545 Avatar

    Experiment all you want but do NOT bring other people into your relationship.

    Why ruin a perfectly good situation like that?

  7. KeithManson Avatar

    You’re discussing two different things here: your CNC kink and your BF’s (apparent) history of gangbangs.

    His history likely means he’s pretty open-minded to your kink, but otherwise set that history aside for the time being; you should ease into CNC just with him before graduating to group play (if that’s something you’re even interested in, which isn’t clear).

    Talking about this doesn’t have to be overly fraught. You’ve already kicked around ideas like MFM, so it shouldn’t be a huge shock to him if you were to say “Hey, one day I’d like you to take me as if I weren’t consenting. Would you be open to trying that, and what might we need to do to feel comfortable with it?“

  8. Special_Design_8894 Avatar

    Don’t stress. Just talk about it.

    But start with him and you CNC, you need to understand that first.

  9. SomeRaspberry6068 Avatar

    Have normal sex

    After, bring up that you want to try cnc sometime

    After that goes well and you do it a few times, you work in the extra person

    If you want, work it into the framework of “roleplay” if that’s easier. Eg you’ll leave the door unlocked accidentally and he can be a burglar or something. For my gf I was a pretend FedEx guy, made her answer the door for a package, and zip tied her to her table. But I don’t know exactly what kind of thing you want to do.

    If you want to bring up the group chat that’s your own business, but it’s completely unnecessary to what you’re asking. Sounds more like you just feel guilty about snooping

    Alternatively, download Spicer or something. The app asks both of you what kinks you’re into, and if you’re both a yes in something you get a notification. If not, nothing. But you skip the conversations about stuff

  10. Moist-Dependent5241 Avatar

    Also ask yourself if you’re ok with not getting off if he initiates some CNC.