I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months now. It started kinda casual but I think we are somewhat more serious now– especially about our communication. More so me because it takes me a little longer to open up; he’s honestly been very good about communicating from the start.
The sex is actually great and he’s helped me explore a few things I never thought I’d try which is why I wanted to ask about approaching him with a different kink of mine that I’ve never been comfortable sharing with others in real life. Namely, I have a cnc (consensual-non consent) fetish and for obvious reasons I haven’t even thought about trying it until now. I know it can be dangerous and I know it’s also looked down upon.
The reason I feel somewhat more comfortable bringing it up even though I don’t know how to is because I accidentally read my boyfriend’s group chat.
It wasn’t in malice or anything nor because I don’t trust my boyfriend. Quite the contrary, in fact. I was at his place and he asked me to bring him his phone from the bedroom. I accidentally read some of the notifications and I admit, even though I shouldn’t have pried, curiosity got the better of me because the content was somewhat connected to the kink I mentioned.
I won’t go into details but the context of their messages was something along the lines of rougher gangbangs/threesomes. They were joking about it in their group chat and that they’ve done that.
Obviously I wasn’t mad or anything and I have a lot of trust in my boyfriend but that sparked the idea of trying to somehow bring up my kink/fetish even though I’m honestly kinda scared of saying it out loud. Is there a way I can start this conversation with him without being direct and/or telling him I’ve read his group chat even though it wasn’t with bad intentions? We’ve spoken about kinks like MMF and/or similar kinks in the past so it wouldn’t be out of nowhere but it’s obviously a sensitive topic and I don’t want to come off as weird and pushy about something this serious.
TL;DR: I want to bring up a (potentially) sensitive kink/fetish to my boyfriend but I’m unsure on how to approach the situation and if it’s even the right call do to so.
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You want him to ask his group chat homies to run a train on you?
“I recently discovered I have a potentially crazy kink… do you want to hear about it?”
Dont overcomplicate it. 🙂
Have the conversation in the cold light of day – gives you both necessary distance.
I’m guessing that you might want to open this to a MMF type scenario. But don’t start there. Start with something that involves just the two of you.
Then give him time to think on it. CNC is hardcore and it can be emotionally hard on the two of you, but in different ways.
If he’s enthusiastically down, make sure you both clearly set out red lines and boundaries. And always have a safe word/gesture. Red, amber, green is as good as any. And red means stop – no ifs and buts. It ends the scene and it’s over.
And think about aftercare – what do you both need from each other after.
Finally, make sure you debrief – what worked, what did not. And if he’s not enthusiastically into this – then leave it be. CNC is seriously hardcore – and it really isn’t for everyone.
Get drunk or high or whatever, get down in the bedroom, and then introduce aspects of the kink, and tell him to do the things you want him to do. Much easier than talking about it over breakfast.
Experiment all you want but do NOT bring other people into your relationship.
Why ruin a perfectly good situation like that?
You’re discussing two different things here: your CNC kink and your BF’s (apparent) history of gangbangs.
His history likely means he’s pretty open-minded to your kink, but otherwise set that history aside for the time being; you should ease into CNC just with him before graduating to group play (if that’s something you’re even interested in, which isn’t clear).
Talking about this doesn’t have to be overly fraught. You’ve already kicked around ideas like MFM, so it shouldn’t be a huge shock to him if you were to say “Hey, one day I’d like you to take me as if I weren’t consenting. Would you be open to trying that, and what might we need to do to feel comfortable with it?“
Don’t stress. Just talk about it.
But start with him and you CNC, you need to understand that first.
Have normal sex
After, bring up that you want to try cnc sometime
After that goes well and you do it a few times, you work in the extra person
If you want, work it into the framework of “roleplay” if that’s easier. Eg you’ll leave the door unlocked accidentally and he can be a burglar or something. For my gf I was a pretend FedEx guy, made her answer the door for a package, and zip tied her to her table. But I don’t know exactly what kind of thing you want to do.
If you want to bring up the group chat that’s your own business, but it’s completely unnecessary to what you’re asking. Sounds more like you just feel guilty about snooping
Alternatively, download Spicer or something. The app asks both of you what kinks you’re into, and if you’re both a yes in something you get a notification. If not, nothing. But you skip the conversations about stuff
Also ask yourself if you’re ok with not getting off if he initiates some CNC.