I (20F) genuinely thought i was interested in women. I was talking to one for a couple weeks. We hooked up and I came to the realization that I am heterosexual. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would. Maybe I was just bi curious, because my attraction towards her was gone after that. I feel like I should be honest and tell her, I don’t wanna lead her on. But I feel like it’s wrong to hookup with someone and then end things with them soon after. Plus I don’t want her to think I used her as an experiment. WIBTA?
WIBTA if I told her I’m straight
r/AITAH
Comments
You are what you are, no one ITAH for being what they are.
Just be honest, honesty above all else is the cornerstone of self respect, and… will gain you respect from others … in time
What is the other option? Continuing things with someone you’re literally not physically or romantically attracted to? Think about what is worse…
Be honest, there isn’t anything wrong with not knowing. Doing it as an experiment that’s super wrong. Your original intention was not to lead her on.
If she doesn’t contact you again, don’t worry about it. Move on. However, if she does contact you and wants to see you again, you’re going to owe her an explanation.
Just be honest with her similar to the way you were with us.
You can just leave it at “I had a good time but I’m not interested in moving forward”. You don’t have to go into detail about why. People hookup and lose interest all the time. If she’s sensible, she’ll deal with it
Are you even 100% positive that you’re straight? Was this your first same sex experience? Have you been with men before? Irrespective of your sexual orientation, it’s fairly common to realize after having sex with someone that it’s not working for you. You can gently explain that the chemistry is not there for you.
Instead of telling her you’re straight, just treat it like any other date that didn’t work out. She doesn’t need to know what’s in your head.
That said, you may very well still be figuring things out. You may be straight, you may not, and you may be somewhere in the middle. Sexual orientation isn’t just physical, it’s emotional. Good luck on your journey!
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NTA. Honesty is the best policy. Just be gentle and respectful in sharing your feelings. It’s all a part of figuring out who you are.
You’re still exploring. Not being into one person doesn’t mean you are or aren’t anything.
I would simply just tell this person the truth. The attraction you thought was there isn’t. And if you’re still cool with them maybe y’all can be actual friends.
What was wrong or happened between you two. I’m asking because I might be trying the same.
>I feel like I should be honest and tell her, I don’t wanna lead her on. But I feel like it’s wrong to hookup with someone and then end things with them.
You don’t want to string her along, but you don’t want to end things with her. The way I’m seeing this, you only have two other options:
Force yourself to be bi/gay. Force the attraction. Make it happen.
Invent time travel and go back in time and don’t sleep with her.
Obviously those two options are not possible, so really you’re going to have to break your “rule” about ending things after sleeping with someone. It’s much more kind to her to just let her know that you’re not interested in furthering your relationship. You don’t have to tell her why, but if you do, just explain that you don’t feel the connection you were looking for and leave it at that.
I would stay away from labelling yourself as a reason for the breakup though, as I could see it being hurtful. I would hate to sleep with a guy and then have him say “Oh, you made me realize I’m straight”. Like….thanks? Lol
NAH. Use your words and sentences and be clear about it.
this is obviously not to make you feel bad babes but you’re kinda wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Situations like this you’re just gonna have to be okay with being the bad guy in avoidance of being the even worse guy. They’re gonna have their feelings about the situation and you just kinda need to accept that they might be upset. It’ll be okay! Doesnt make you a bad person
You seem very empathetic.
But I don’t think you’re mature enough to handle any sexual situation if you can’t navigate this. If you think you ought to be attached to someone for life because you had sex with them, hooking up isn’t for you.
either way feelings are going to get hurt, you don’t need to explain your sexuality, just that you don’t think it’s going to work out
No, I don’t think you’d be the asshole for being honest. You explored something, realized it wasn’t right for you, and now you don’t want to mislead someone that’s respectful, not cruel. What matters is how you say it. If you approach it with empathy and make it clear you genuinely didn’t intend to hurt or ‘experiment’ with her, she might still be disappointed, but she’ll understand you weren’t being malicious. We’re all figuring ourselves out, and that takes honesty both with others and yourself
Obviously we don’t know what led you look for sex with a woman, but, you thought you were a lesbian for some reason. You wouldn’t be the first person to hook up with someone because they felt like they should be attracted to them, and they couldn’t justify to themselves not giving it a go. Just remember, you don’t have to justify not being interested in someone, to yourself or anyone else. Anyways, not feeling it with one person of a specific gender doesn’t mean you’re not attracted to that gender. Don’t double down on the idea that you can’t possibly be a lesbian or bi because you’re first sexual experience with a woman wasn’t what you expected. Live your life and let yourself experience what you experience without trying to reason it away.
I think you’re overthinking this. You’ve gotten new information, you now know that it won’t be a fit. The specifics (you learned that you’re straight) may feel heavy, but it doesn’t change the remedy. Put your cards on the table, break it off. Things fizzle out, happens all the time, gay straight and bi. You can feel empathy for what she may feel after, but don’t let your fear prolong something that won’t work for you (or her for that matter).
You’re making decisions honestly at a young age which is all you can do. Don’t feel guilty trying something harmless that felt like a possibility at the time. NAH!
NTA, but just tell her you want to end the relationship, because you are not that much into her. No reason to tell her the other part about you maybe not being into woman at all.
It’s interesting that a person will hook up with one woman, find there’s no chemistry and conclude that they are straight yet there’s plenty of people who go through life for many many years without ever connecting with anyone of the opposite sex deeply yet still maintain that they are straight. This always blows my mind. If you’ve been with men before yet still not matched up, why is that? What was wrong with those men? I’m not saying you are not straight but I wonder what would happen if you applied the same logic to your hetero connections.
NTA- you tried something and decided you weren’t into it. It might be sad but it doesn’t make you a bad person. Just be honest and say what you feel. Heck she would probably feel better knowing you’re not into women like you thought you were, over not liking her specifically. That way there’s no bruised ego
You kinda did use her as an experiment but it’s not your fault because that was not intentional and obviously not your goal.
I think she did end up being an experiment, but you didn’t want that to be your original intention, so you can say what other people are already saying under this post, you don’t really owe an explanation but if you feel the situation should include an apology then add that in too, it is a bit of a sad situation on her end if she were hoping for something more but it is what it is
Just as a general suggestion as someone who’s also on their figuring-it-out journey, it’s better to be aware of if you’re a “i need to experience it to know it” person or a “knowing it is confirmation enough for me.” I think we as a queer community fail to have that conversation due to the fear of invalidating anyone, but people really are different and it’s important to acknowledge that
Maybe you are still interested, you just lost interest in her. No need for long explanations.
NAH
Be the bad girl now so you aren’t the evil girl later. Plenty of relationships don’t work out and that’s ok. It’s the dragging it out until its last gasping breath that’s a problem.
I mean… you did use her as an experiment. Maybe not intentionally, but that’s what happened. You’re allowed to explore your sexuality and make a decision about what fits for you, though, so as long as there was no expectation for something more than a hookup beforehand, it’s fine to simply say you had fun but you’re no longer interested in continuing to hookup.
No you are unsure and exploring. Not being honest would make you look worse.
My romance advice is:
Respect yourself, respect the other person, and be honest .
Just because you’ve changed your mind about your sexuality that’s your business not hers and her sexuality is her business. She would not appreciate it if you led her on.
Just be honest
You used her as experiment. So. Bad you 🤷
There’s probably a good possibility that she sensed your feelings (lack of enjoyment or excitement) and may already knows you’re not fully into women.
Be honest and apologize for not telling her that this was a discovery mission.
YTA for asking the internet such a simple question.
Just gently break up with her. Tell her she’s a nice person but you don’t feel a spark.
As someone who was experimented on. Don’t fucking tell them. It caused me decades of relationship trust issues around sexuality of my partners. Just say you aren’t interested in moving forward. That’s true.
NTA… people have one-night stands all the time, because they likely don’t click well sexually… nothing wrong with ending a relationship if you’re not interested
You made your bed lie in it. Stay with her forever. Of course nta if it was any encounter and it didn’t work your free to walk away.
A single sexual encounter isn’t enough to decide your sexuality, lol.
Sounds like you lost interest for what ever reason. Just break up with her. Don’t bring up your orientation.
NTA .
Unless you are a guy double standard rules apply.
There’s nothing wrong with losing interest as long as you don’t lead the other person on. NTAH
You aren’t dumping them because it was a hookup. You’re straight. Big difference
Just tell her. It’s so common in the lesbian community it’s a cliche. Happens literally all the time.
Of course you should be honest why are you even asking this question.
Wouldn’t it be wrong to continue dating a lesbian when you know you are straight and you know it won’t go anywhere??
Tell her the truth just like you did here. I think she’ll understand.
I would not do that. Just say there wasn’t the chemistry you were looking for and have a nice day.
You don’t want to be the person who made her question her entire game because you ‘changed’ your sexuality over her. Why bring it up? She has no right to know, no need to know, and you have no need to tell her when you can vent to us internet strangers.
Tell her that you’re straight and took a bend on the road.She is going to see you with guys so might as well be honest. Plenty of college lesbians out there and moved on.
Just tell her you didn’t feel the spark. NTAH
NTA, this is the prob with women, you get to emotionally attached about sex. It’s just sex, move on. U were curious, now that itch has been scratched, you don’t need to rent a U-Haul after the first time.