My boyfriend and I have known each other since we were kids but only got close in high school. We have been bestfriends for four years and lovers for almost three years now. This is both of our first relationship so we were kind of clueless at the beginning but it really feels like he’s the love of my life.
The only thing is, I don’t see a future for us.
He comes from a very poor background, his entire family, which includes his parents, elder sister and elder brother and SIL(pregnant), is more or less financially dependent on him and he’s only 21. His father earns very little, just enough for food and rent. Brother earns less than minimum wage, that too on and off, despite expecting a baby.
My boyfriend’s parents did not educate him well and he had to work various jobs alongside his education because of this. In my country it is almost impossible to land a good job without a great college degree. He has issues finding a job and is currently unemployed, which creates tension at his house since they’re basically living with no disposable income. His future does not seem very bright. He doesn’t even consider moving out or separating himself from his family because he feels like they’re his responsibility. He even wants to live with his family after getting married, which I’m strictly against but i don’t want to talk about that right now.
I also come from a somewhat similar background but my family is a bit more supportive than his. I was fortunate enough to attend a good college and landed a high paying job. I have moved out and doing well currently. I still have responsibilities such as buying a house for my family with my siblings’ and parents’ financial support of course (we live on rent) but my family’s condition is getting better.
I really really do feel bad for him, and want to stick with him through difficult times. But there seems to be no hope here. There are other issues too but those are secondary at the moment. Lots of reasons exist which confirm my belief that we don’t have a future together. But he’s the sweetest kindest most hardworking person I’ve ever known and I just can’t break up with him. It seems physically impossible. I get chest pain everytime I think that we won’t end up together. It’s not his fault but he’s being punished by everyone.
I struggle with PTSD, Anxiety, Depression (check my previous posts for context) and suicidal thoughts sometimes and thinking about all this is making it worse.
I need some advice for me and for him as well. Thank you
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I hope that your friendship will help you have this conversation, and in your case, perhaps you can remain friends.
You HAVE to put yourself first and leave him. I was in the exact same situation and stayed for 5 years because I felt badly for him and cared about him. Wasted so much time even after that being there for him when I should’ve just told him I care about him but our relationships run its course and go no contact. You will be 10000% fine and so will he. You both deserve to be with someone who is in it 100% for you. Pls put yourself first and end it you got this xx
I’ve learned the hard way that love isn’t enough to keep someone. It’s definitely difficult but besides his family issues, if you don’t see a future with him, just tell him. Don’t continue to waste yours or his time any longer. Yours and his time is precious. But tbh it’s definitely a tricky situation because I understand not having enough but needing support my family as well. It’s a lot to take on and the amount of stress we all carry for having to take care of our families. If you keep dwelling on it and keep thinking about it then just be honest. You will continue to guilt trip yourself to stay and end up unhappy, and may feel down the line resenting him because of your unhappiness. You are both young, if this doesn’t feel like the right time let it go. It seems like both of you have heavy weights on your shoulders. Ultimately, do what you need for yourself (you can be selfish for you and that’s okay). You also have mental health struggles, take of yourself now so your future self can thank later. Don’t let those things to continue to fester because it will get worst.