My husband doesn’t read, look, or consider anything for more than a few seconds. He just wants to get things done and isn’t bothered with the details. It’s like the act of having to do thinking or planning is painful for him. So if I’m not constantly double checking stuff and doing all the admin tasks, things are constantly messed up.
It might not seem like a huge deal but it’s been 20 years of me having to double check things and do more mental work on everything while he just coasts along and does the fun bits. If I don’t, 9 times out 10 he overlooks some dumb detail and ends up creating more work and hassle for everyone.
It’s making me really frustrated, because doing all the detail work is HARD FOR MY BRAIN TOO!
Today I spent 12 hours traveling and had only eaten a pack of airplane crackers so I was starving. My husband picked me up at the airport and I was appreciative and thanked him. He offered to pick up food and I said yes and text my order to him so he would have it when he walked in. I tried to enjoy my peace in the car after being stuck next to a crying baby for hours.
He had the order in a text message written down and really no way to mess it up. But yet he did and got me the wrong thing, which made me ask him why he never reads anything thoroughly because I was frustrated. It was something I would never order.
He exploded and threw a plate into the sink and almost broke it and said I’m never appreciative and he doesn’t do anything right etc etc. He said he glanced at the order in the text message but didn’t really read it correctly because the name was similar to the other thing.
This is just one stupid example. Last week we spent $200 on lumber that he measured incorrectly.
It’s always something. If I don’t catch it or just do it myself it’s almost always wrong, but I’m exhausted and burnt out from working a very demanding full time job and I’m just running out of energy to do the thinking for both of us.
Am I being too controlling or unappreciative? Too critical? He does nice things but they just always feel half assed and messed up like minimal effort went into it.
I feel like I should be able to express my frustrations when I am always doing extra work or dealing with stuff being messed up for me. But if I say anything about it he explodes and acts aggressive and yells and it’s really gross to me.
He’s so insecure and scared of being wrong, yet he refuses to do the mental work of just double checking things.
He does not have ADHD.
TL;DR: Husband is always attempting to do nice or productive things but he messes everything up by refusing to pay attention to details because he “doesn’t like to”. I am frustrated with this.
Comments
>> He does not have ADHD.
Was he tested?
Is he undiagnosed with some? How is he at work?
Pathological demand avoidance. See if that aligns.
Let him fail. Allow him to reap the consequences of his behavior making thinks worse for everyone. His throwing the plate and yelling at you is an abusive response BTW. Oh no, you dont appreciate that hes lazy and refuses to care about anything but himself? Yeah, guy, thats usually how humans work. What’s to be appreciative of?
Weaponized incompetence at its worst.
You’re being way too nice to him.
The minute he whined that he never does anything right, you say “yeah, because you don’t!” And let him be mad and uncomfortable. And you follow up “would you appreciate it if you had to fix what the other person did, every. Single. Time? This shit isn’t cute. You’re not six years old. ”
Him exploding is abusive and a tactic specifically to keep you from pushing back. He’s deliberately doing it because he knows it makes you back down and not hold him accountable.
Personally, I am not afraid of people yelling, so i would coldly stare at him and say “if youre going to continue to be this emotional, thats fine, but you are not escaping this conversation by throwing a childish tantrum. Do you act like this at work? No? So why are you pretending to be an absolute moron at home?”
Then you stare at him.
Edit: Do not try to reassure him if he flounces and yells “I guess I’m the worst husband ever!” Or “i guess im terrible at everything “
You keep the tone cool and you say “youre definitely heading in that direction. It’s completely up to you if that’s where you want to keep going.”
Then you walk away. Like, out of sight, and let him stew in that soup of uncomfortable feelings.
You can love someone, love them for a very long time, and still decide you don’t want them in your life that way anymore.
If my partner, after I told them what I wanted via text went and deliberately — and there’s no other word for it, he deliberately chose to not get you what you asked — ordered something different and then threw a plate and then raged at me, I’d be done. Full stop. Ream him out, call him an asshole and go.
It sounds like he has no interest or intention of changing his behavior. With that in mind I think you need to have a heart to heart with yourself and decide if this is how it stays is this relationship one you want to be in. And it sucks because he could so easily fix this but he’s happy with how this relationship is right now. Your current status quo works for him. It doesn’t matter that it’s harder on you or that you are unhappy.
So you need to take some time to yourself and decide what makes you happy and what you need to do to get to that place.
Learned helplessness and weaponised incompetence meet at the corners of knows you’ll pick up the slack and doesn’t respect you enough to care. What a sad Venn diagram.
OP I am sorry and… he is way more interested in his own comfort than your happiness or even your safety.
If you stay with him you are accepting that.
I’m sorry to say this, but he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that he makes more work for you. He doesn’t care to make sure you have the meal you want after a long day of traveling. He doesn’t care to do better.
Does he have a job? Is he constantly getting the details wrong there? My guess would be he gets the details right at work, which again means he could be getting the details right with you, he just doesn’t want to.
He doesn’t get to scream about how helpful he is if he’s not actually helpful. He seems to consider himself a saint simply for having made the gesture, never mind the gesture ends up being worthless because he can’t be bothered to check a text message more closely. Notice how he made YOU ungrateful? How he made YOU the villain for daring to be upset at his screwup?
IF HE WANTED TO GET THINGS RIGHT, HE’D ACCEPT THE FEEDBACK!
did he even offer to fix his screwup? Or was he just like “oh well, deal with it”.
He cannot regulate his emotions, doesn’t pay attention to details, and you have to fix his mistakes. Honey, you have a toddler.
I would tell him he either becomes a whole ass adult or you are done.
You put up with this for 20 years?!? He is a lucky man and you need to STOP fixing his mistakes.
Let him fail. More importantly, do not clean up after him. A few instances of cleaning up his own mess ought to make the message clear.
He is a grown adult. It is not your job to fix his mistakes; those are his responsibility. You have enabled him for 20 years. Time to try something different.
God damn. Do we have the same husband? I hate having to check work. But alas. My guy definitely gets a lot right but enough wrong I check things. No advice just solidarity.
Stop doing things for him. Let him fuck up and still covering for him.
But really, is this what you want your life to be like?
There might be an underlying reason for why he is the way he is (e.g problems with executive dysfunction, dyslexia, ADHD) however he knows how much pressure this is putting on you and he’s doing nothing about it; and if he feels embarrassed that’s still no excuse for becoming abusive towards you.
This sucks. I do wonder if he might have ADHD or dyslexia, or perhaps just a low reading level. A surprising number of people struggle with reading even simple information. It’s a silent epidemic. Nonetheless, you have every right to be angry and demand he put in the work to figure out systems that work better for him. I agree with the other who said he should be reassessed now as an adult for ADHD and dyslexia.
Unfortunately, if the answer is that he just doesn’t care, then there’s no fixing that.
“but you are not escaping this conversation by throwing a childish tantrum.”
Using this
Throwing a plate is not okay.
OP, for the past 20 years you have trained him that he can get away with his weaponized incompetence, abuse, & refusal to change.
If you are finally fed up enough now, what do you want? To demand marital counseling? Individual for both of you? (You need it, too since you keep putting up with this, childish, intimacy-killing behavior.)
Or divorce?
Does he not have a job? If so, ho has he managed to not get fired with this behavior? If he is gainfully employed, then he can control and acting this way at home is a choice.
I’d do things like say, “oh! This isn’t what I ordered , I’ll be back” and leave him in the car with the crying baby to go get my correct order. I’d let him make whatever mistakes he wants and just make sure to do things correctly for myself and my baby. I wouldn’t fix his mistakes and wouldn’t dwell on the money he spent for his mistake. It seems like he knows you’re running behind him to fix whatever mistakes you can catch, so stop doing that.