I (30M) am coming to the conclusion I need to break up with my girlfriend (29F) of three years. Is there any way back?

I (30M) am coming to the heartbreaking realisation that I’m probably going to have to end my relationship of three years over the next few weeks because of my girlfriend’s (29F) refusal to move in with me and the fact she prioritises her parents over me at every opportunity.

We live around 30 minutes apart and see each other 3-4 nights a week. I still live with my parents because when we met in the aftermath of Covid, I was on the cusp of looking for my own place to buy, but when I sensed things were getting serious with this girl, I held off in the hope that if things went well, we’d be able to find a place for both of us. 

About a year in, she got a new job that started out as a series of temporary contracts. Because she’s from the other end of the country and the likelihood has always been that she would look to move back there if she were to become unemployed, she told me she’d rather stay in her houseshare until she was offered a permanent position. I understood and said I would wait, believing that it would only be a short delay to us starting a life together.

Fast forward to February, and her job was finally made permanent. With her newfound security, I suggested that we start looking for somewhere we could move in together. At this point, she drops the bombshell, which is that if a similar job was to come up closer to where she’s originally from, she would be applying for it, and therefore it makes little sense for us to move in and we’d be better off waiting until then so we can both move.

This led to a major argument. I’ve always said that if the time came where my girlfriend was wanting to move back home, I would be happy to go with her. However, I’m only willing to do that if we’ve already lived together and know that our relationship withstands that, since I’d be moving somewhere where I have no friends or family of my own. She basically said at that point that if I wasn’t happy with that, then I didn’t have to be with her. 

This really upset me, since she knows the sole reason I’m still living with my parents, which I don’t want to do anymore, is because I’ve been waiting for her to commit. I’m 31 in November and the fact I haven’t moved out is having a negative impact on my mental health. I’ve got friends who met their current partners more than a year after we got together and are now happily living together, and one got engaged last month. While I’m of course happy for them, I’d be lying if I didn’t feel some underlying resentment at the fact that their relationships have progressed to the point I wanted mine to in a much shorter timespan. She says she wants to get married and have children, but again that’s just not compatible with our living arrangements.

This brings me onto the second part, which is my girlfriend’s relationship with her parents. She’s an only child, and her parents are very protective of her. This extends to the point where with every family birthday, she’s expected to go home for the weekend, and as her family is religious, Easter and Christmas. If she ever goes more than about six weeks without making a visit, they’re asking her when she’s next coming home and pay for her to get a train home.

Now, I don’t have any problems with her seeing her parents, I’m not a control freak after all, but the nature of these visits often mean the dates she goes home are decided without any conversations with me first. This, I do have an issue with, because I have to work a set number of weekends, I’ll try to organise my shifts to make myself as available as possible, only to have my girlfriend tell me she’s decided to go home instead. The other issue I’ve had is the fact there’s never any compromise on things like Easter and Christmas, to the point where my parents have invited her to our own family celebrations and she’s turned them down, leaving me to have to choose between my girlfriend and the rest of my family at key points of the year. She also uses up a not insignificant amount of leave from work to do all of this, with the end result being that last year she only had enough holiday time for us to go away for four days for my birthday rather than the week I wanted. Again, I have no problem with her spending time with her family, but I feel there comes a point in a relationship where if you’re serious, your partner becomes at least an equal priority, as she has with me. 

The dilemma I have is that when we’re together, I’m still extremely happy. She’s one of the very few people I’ve met who I can truly be myself around and she’s made me a better person in a number of ways, but I just feel like I’m at the end of the road when it comes to things like living arrangements and where our future lies. I feel like I’ve been in limbo for three years waiting for something that is showing no sign of happening, and I need a form of resolution so I can move on with my own life and, if I’m not with her, finally move out and enter a new chapter. 

I’m going to be honest, part of me is terrified, because I know a break-up is going to cause a lot of pain, heartbreak and tears, and more so than my previous relationships where things had just run their course. For a long time, I really thought I was going to marry this girl, but I just see no other way out.

Sorry for the essay, but I just needed to get that off my chest. 

TL;DR: My girlfriend won’t move in with me after three years together and continues to put her parents first at every opportunity. I don’t think our relationship is going to survive as a result.