So yeah, bad luck week… Title pretty much says it. I broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago. We had been dating for a little over a year, and things were honestly good. We had fun together, we communicated well (or so I thought), and I was actually starting to think long-term.
She has a male best friend that she’s super close to. Let’s call him Ryan. From the beginning, I was told they were childhood friends, almost like siblings, totally platonic, nothing ever happened between them. He’s always been around, constant texts, inside jokes, tagging each other in everything, even weekend hangouts just the two of them. I won’t lie, I felt a little uncomfortable sometimes, but I never wanted to be the “jealous boyfriend” so I kept it to myself and trusted her.
Anyway, last week we were talking with some of her old college friends, and someone casually brought up “back when you and Ryan were dating.” I was like… what?
She immediately froze, tried to laugh it off, and said, “Oh, that was ages ago, like barely even a real relationship.” Later, when we were alone, I asked her about it, and turns out they dated for about a year and a half in college. Slept together, said they loved each other, broke up, and then “decided to just stay friends.”
I felt like an idiot. I told her that I felt lied to. Not that much because they had a past, but because she intentionally hid it. She said she “didn’t want to make me uncomfortable” and that it “didn’t mean anything” anymore. I asked why she never told me the truth, and she said she didn’t think it mattered. But it does. It changes the whole context of their relationship. I wouldn’t have been okay with how close they are if I’d known the history.
I told her I couldn’t keep seeing her after that. I felt like I was the third wheel in a relationship I didn’t even know existed. She cried, said I was being insecure and dramatic, that I’m throwing away something real over “something in the past.”
Now even some of my friends are saying I overreacted, and that people can be friends with their exes. Maybe they can. But not when it’s a secret.
So, Reddit… AITA for ending the relationship over this?
Comments
Lmfao no you are not the asshole
Nope. Just end it now. Save yourself the trouble.
“She cried, said I was being insecure and dramatic, that I’m throwing away something real over “something in the past.””
She called YOU insecure after not telling you about her past with her ex/bestfriend?
Also, she didn’t hide this from you in the past.
NTA, you dodged a bullet.
Lmao I can guarantee she was cheating on you.
It’s not in the past because they still behave like a couple.
If she told you and they were just friends that’s fine.
But he’s basically her other boyfriend, constant hangouts and texting, and inside jokes.
Nope. Fuck that.
You aren’t insecure, shes just a nasty bitch. Hope that helps.
NTA. It’s the lying about it that’s the issue.
She lied to you because she didn’t want to have to stop hanging out with him. You can’t trust her. Good call on ending it.
NTA. It’s not in the past, she got caught in the lie right now. The “who/what” of the lie is secondary.
Secrets and lies. No relationship can survive that.
NTAH.
YTA because 18 days ago you were a 27 year old female with 32 year old male fiancé. Now you’re a guy.
Yeah.. NTA. I think this relationship is at an end.
NTA. She lied to you. That is the bottom line. She needs to be honest with her next partner from the beginning, or you won’t be the only person to dump her over it.
If it meant nothing and was in the past she wouldn’t have lied about it.
NTA People have been dumped for far less. She stuffed up and needs to move on.
No
lol?
You’re not an asshole, but You totally over-reacted.
It wasn’t that they used to be dating, it was that she lied about it. Relationships based on lies are houses built on toothpicks.
NTA.
YTA to yourself for thinking there’s any chance in hell YTA here
HAHAHA….you didn’t even need to make those post to know this. Dumbo. 🤣🤣
Not when they lie to you and spend weekends together and make you feel like a third wheel. NTA, her crying about it and acting all innocent is manipulative and dramatic.
You dodged a nuke. The fact that she lied then blamed and insulted you is insane. Have some self respect, you’re the victim here. Why would you be the AH??
NTA. Hey, maybe yall can be friends now!
So just tell her a couple whoppers and you’re even
You can’t have the butter and the money of the butter as a french expression says. NTA, just the fact that she kept hidden her whole story with him shows that things aren’t over between them.
NTA.
She lied to you and broke the trust in this relationship.
And a relationship without trust will only eventually lead to a break up in the end. It’s better that you get it over with now before marriage and children complicate matters.
She also got extremely defensive very quickly and was gaslighting you on your genuine feelings.
She knew that she was in the wrong, but she couldn’t bring herself to accept that she was at fault and to give a genuine apology as a result.
You aren’t insecure she is trying to shift the blame. You are breaking up cause of her lies. Be glad it happened after one year, not 5-10 years.
If it doesn’t mean anything anymore why not just tell the truth did she expect to keep it a secret forever.
Ask her how she would feel if your girl best friend( if you have any) was your ex.
NTA. Yeah, this isn’t about being friends with your ex. You say she explicitly told you nothing had ever happened between them? That’s the entire problem. You’re allowed to break up with people for lying to you. That’s pretty standard.
Nah bro she weird. Wtf. They might as well get back together if they want to be close. Ain’t no way over here.
NTA. I would’ve thrown the fact that she actively hid their past relationship from you because she KNEW it would be an issue because they were still inappropriately close. If you didn’t explicitly tell her the third wheel comment, I would. Tell her that you’ve felt like you’ve been the third wheel in their relationship for your entire relationship with her, and that the only way you could ever see your relationship even having a chance at working out at this point would be if she completely cuts him out of her life, and refuses to be anywhere that he will be with other potential mutuals in her friend group. If she can’t or won’t commit to that, tell her that just proves that her relationship with him is more important than any relationship she has with someone she’s actually involved with, and that she’ll never be able to settle down, get married, and have kids with him in the picture, because he’s always going to cause her relationships to end when her future relationship partners find out the truth about him, or when she won’t cut him out for them.
NTA. She was playing you for a fool because she knew continuing to hang out with the guy would rightfully be a dealbreaker for you, and she didn’t want to choose.
You did right.
NTA. She lied and she can go crying back to her ex.
They had weekends alone together??? 🤔
Give it a couple of weeks. Her & the ex will be back together.
If she had to lie about it, it’s not innocent
NTA why would anyone hide that info from their partner
NTA. Well deserved
People can be friends with exes, but that’s not what this is about. She lied about it. So now it’s a “what else did she lie about” type of situation. Once a lie is found out, trust is broken, and doubt creeps in.
Nta, she is!
NTA She hid him intentionally in plain sight. And lied straight to your face.
Idgaf if he is her best friend and it’s totally platonic, ain’t no girl of mine going on weekend solo hangouts with another dude, are you crazy?
Sucks the band aid gets ripped off. Classic gasoline b***. I guess that’s why they call it Independence Day here in America it’s a chance for a whole new freedom!
Anytime a female says “you’re being insecure” you have made the correct choice/ assumptions/ decisions. Keep moving on man.
I don’t see how you overreacted, she lied and most likely had an inappropriate relationship with her ex, right under your nose. What did your friends expect you to do?
NTA
Dump her.
NTA.
If it really was nothing now, she would have been truthful from the get go.
The fact that she reacted the way she did when it was brought up that they were a couple says everything.
You’re just a placeholder, dude.
Lmao nuh uh dude.
No.
Just no. Nta.
You did exactly the right thing.
The problem is that she hid the fact that he was her ex. There is no coming back from that.
Forget about he said she said. She fked up by lien (omitting) and hiding her ex.
NTA
NTA but you might have been a bit of a fool putting up with the weekend hangouts alone.
Adding: and instead of trying to make you feel comfortable about the situation, she got defensive and called you insecure. She’s being defensive because she knows she got caught.
I bet if you check in with her now, she is probably getting “consoles” by her bestie right now…since it is the weekend.
NTA. Take it from me: You’re better off without a woman than with a woman who is still in contact with her ex ór who actually has a “male best friend”
My ex had both, she was in contact with her ex and had an online male best friend. It didn’t end well.
For me.
She broke up with me after i asked questions about their contacts and 2 Days later she had a relationship with the “online male friend”
The way she lives her life with her best-friend-ex shows clearly that you are NTA, she is and is lying to you basically about everything regarding her ex.
YTA cause this is fake just like the other stories you’ve posted…
NTA. She’s a liar. Trust is broken. It’s not in the past. The lie lasted until the friend spilled.
There’s nothing more to say. You don’t need a reason to break up with someone, but if you did, breaking up with a liar is a really good one
Did you post this in another sub recently? I read this somewhere before.
But no, NTA . I have a no exes in their social circle boundary. And that she hid it the whole time would of made me feel like the butt to an inside joke. And you are right, her keeping it from you allowed you to be more comfortable with them hanging out. Which basically she lied so she could keep all her backup plans in place. Good for you for having a backbone.
NTA. In the US, we just celebrated Independence Day. Adopt that theme and celebrate your independence from someone who couldn’t bother to be truthful to you, and now is trying to avoid accountability and redirect it as you being the problem. Enjoy your newfound freedom.
Nta
FAKE STORY FAKE STORY. Redditor spins yarns in time check out OP history.
This is an absolutely fake story.
Ngl bro, Ryan was always in the sidelines trying to get back in her pants.
Realistically speaking, she kept him around as her backup option.
Wouldn’t be surprised if they had sex as well
Bro you got smart and left. I would’ve done the same.
you’re clearly not the asshole. But I can imagine a situation where she’s… not… as big of an asshole as it may otherwise seem, I guess?
Like, let’s assume, for the hell of it, that everything she said is 100% true. Just as a fun exercise. That it was a long time ago, it doesn’t mean anything anymore, they’ve really just been friends this whole time, and she didn’t tell you because she didn’t want to make you uncomfortable and because it doesn’t mean anything anymore. And honestly, because the vast majority of men couldn’t deal with it if they knew the truth and she probably didn’t wanna lose her bff.
If all of that were totally true.. I’m not saying it is, but if it was.. she’d only be kind of an asshole, I guess. The ‘right thing’ isn’t always a straight forward thing. For example, you can probably perfectly understand why she wouldn’t tell a guy she just started dating that, right? That her bff is also her ex. It would scare most people off. Then it’s just a matter of ‘when is the right time to come clean’.
The problem is that most people, myself included, would probably say ‘well the right time to come clean is at the very start, i don’t want to be lied to at all’, but most people would also fk off if they found this out on date 2-3. So… yeah, it’s rough.
I’m really good friends, family really, with my ex of 7 years. That wasn’t a fling, it only ended about a year and a half ago, and we still use like petnames and stuff, even though all the romantic aspect is gone. We’re lucky enough that her new partner is very understanding, and we’re doing our very best to be as accommodating as possible. But the girls I’ve dated since have been… less than understanding, even as I was very honest and open about it.
It’s rough. It’s fking with my dating life. While I do not condone lying by any means, I sympathize with your ex. If she’s never done anything wrong outside of that.. ehh.. idk man..
Lmfaooo. If it was the past “Ryan” would’ve stayed in the past. Instead she put him in y’all’s presence. Fuck that, she knew what she was doing.
NTA. Tell her next time to let someone know that up front.
nta – she lied end of relationship. she doesnt seem to get it either that hiding it and lying about it is deceptive. makes u wonder on top of it what else she omitted / lied about
You are the asshole for posting the same story with a few minor changes.
u did good
You need new friends!
I mean, she literally did lie. She told you nothing has ever happened between them and that’s objectively not true. Sleeping together, even one time, is not nothing. That alone is all the justification you need to end things with her. She lied, and that’s a pretty big thing to lie about.
No, my good friend, you are not the asshole in this instance. She intentionally hid that her male best friend was her ex-boyfriend, whom she had slept with and told she loved. That is not okay, in any bloody sense, and to then try and turn it on you by saying you’re being dramatic and insecure? No, she’s just trying to manipulate you, in my opinion. As for the friends? You may need to get new ones then, because they should be in your corner.
Nope, not at all OP. She’s lieing and disrespectful. I also feel she’s probably still keeping him as an orbiter. Exes are very common cheating buddies.
She knew it was wrong. That’s why she didn’t admit to it, then gaslighted you and insulted you. She’s for the streets. And those friends are idiots.
People can absolutely be friends with exes. I’m friends with some exes. But the fact that she intentionally hid it from you speaks volumes here. That’s all of the red flags. NTA. I would never start a serious relationship without the new partner knowing which of my friends are exes.
Nta, you weren’t the jealous boyfriend. You were the uninformed one. Big difference.
If it didn’t matter she could have told you. She didn’t want to tell you, so it matters. She is gaslighting you hard. She is telling you how you should feel, instead of really caring about how you actually feel. That is some manipulative and egocentric behavior you can easily live without.
If she again contacts you be very clear to her. State clearly that she lied to you, and you do not want to be in a relationship with a liar. State that she doesn’t have to tell you how you should feel, especially when she clearly cannot control her own emotions.
NTA if it means nothing, then why hide it? Because clearly it means something
NTA. She lied, no matter how she wants to spin it. Your “friends” are missing the point. And how would they feel about all the “childhood friends, almost like siblings, totally platonic, nothing ever happened between them. He’s always been around, constant texts, inside jokes, tagging each other in every day…”
Nope. You made the right decision.
Nta.good to get rid of her. Next thing you know, she’s pregnant w. “Your” baby while supporting a kid that was never yours. you were their mark.
It’s also pretty rough for her to write off their past as barely a relationship when it sounds like it went for longer than your relationship with her – and for her to just expect you to believe that, when she’s just been found out to be a pathetic liar
NTA.
But it seems that you were truly the third wheel in their relationship.
Why was she spening so much time with her ex,ummmm no.
You did the right thing.
I can’t believe she actually called you insecure and dramatic.
Here’s the thing, you haven’t felt comfortable with the relationship, now you know why.
Block her, and any mutual friend who says that you overreacted.
updateme!
NTA – but she is
This is a fake story ,by checking op profile you can see that is age and sex changes from post to post
Yeah people can friends with their exes when they’re honest with their partner. NTA
I mean if you’re worried about Jerry and Elaine you’re a fool.
You’re not the idiot here. I highly doubt she would formalize it if it were otherwise. There is no such thing as an ex being a friend, much less a best friend. This was a case of betrayal waiting to happen. And the man who puts himself in that position deserves to be betrayed.
Updateme
At what point did she tell you she would cut off contact with him forever if it meant she could have you?
Oh… that didn’t happen?
She lied, she broke trust, relationships can’t last without trust. That is what you need to tell her. Ask her what she does when she hangs out with an ex whilst she has a boyfriend, and is she ok if you do the same?
Nta, lies, disrespect, and who knows what else. She’ll end up with him in the very near future. Let the trash take herself out.
NTA. Your feelings are valid, they’re not just valid they’re totally reasonable.
She intentionally misrepresented her relationship with him and admitted that’s it’s because she knew you wouldn’t like it. (Feel uncomfortable is her BS “soft” way of putting it)
On top of that, without even knowing their history you felt that something was off.
She’s not credible at all. She’s gaslighting you.
Nta. That is something you disclosed. She lied by omission for over a year.
Tell them all she lied to you for over a year. That plus what she lied about you wont be able to trust her again. And tell friends to butt out.
She hit it for a reason if it didn’t matter then she would have told you
I’m
This just shows you can’t trust her. Any reasonable person would know that you should disclose your past with an ex that you still hang out with.
And regularly hanging out alone with someone you’ve once had a sexual relationship with; for an entire weekend; nah! No reasonable person would think that’s OK.
NTA. I have seen this over and over. Every blue moon it can work but it generally does not
NTA. Your friends saying you overreacted are not your friends. You can not just be friends with an ex, ask me the guy who hooked up with several exes after we broke up. It’s too easy to slip back into, even if they are in a relationship they will think in their mind they are on the way out and reach out to their ex and go back to what is known. Often they will tell their ex they are currently single, too, so in a sense they don’t just hurt one guy but two with their games. Funny thing with exes, if they are actually single it gets better over time too. People grow. You both might outgrow who the other used to be, but if both people have grown exes actually work out really well. Just too high of a chance of that happening if someone keeps an ex around actively.
I stay away from exes and they reach out when single, claiming to be single, or when I dig enough I find out they lied about being single and tell them bye they need to sort themselves out. If a guy is actively hanging around an ex HE WANTS HER BACK. Or they are keeping each other as backups in case one gets single, they will hook up even if the other is not single and continue life together either as a couple if both single or as these weird friends that hook up and love each other but can’t be together for no real reason. Your assessment of being third wheel is 100% accurate if the guy is still around.
She was willing to fight to keep her ex in her life and scream at you about it when all you did was learn the truth. She prioritized that relationship over yours. That’s all you should need to know. Go no contact, she will realize you are serious and try some serious hooks to pull you back in. She will not give the guy up, is likely sleeping with him right now while she’s broke up and single, then later try to pull you back in with said hooks. But she won’t give him up. No contact isn’t a punishment for her as much as you gaining peace. It hurts the first 2 weeks then gets a lot better, this is a trust me bro moment on this issue.
no. you are not over reacting to lies betrayal deceit and gaslighting, best of luck,
The lying is even more of the problem than anything else. How could you ever trust her again
you deserve honesty and trust, girl
NTA. She knew it mattered.
The issue is not about the friendship with the ex.
The issue is the conscious decision to initially lie about the nature of their relationship.
The issue is the conscious decision to continue to engage in deception about the nature of the previous relationship.
The issue is the her manipulation of the truth, to gaslight her boyfriend.
“but I never wanted to be the “jealous boyfriend” so I kept it to myself and trusted her.”
The sisterhood has done a good job of trying to brainwash men into thinking this way.
No male best friends, no exes that are still around. Ever.
No. You are not the a-hole
“felt lied to”. brother you WERE lied to! for a whole year! i would be worried what else she’d lie about but not think of as a big deal tbh.
NTA. It’s the lying about the nature of the relationship that is the real issue here, imo. There’s nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with an ex(I personally consider it a green flag, a show of emotional maturity), but honesty is the foundation of a healthy relationship. This wasn’t a lie of omission either, she told you they’d never been more than friends, she outright lied to you about something important.
Maybe she should have been honest with you. Then you wouldn’t be in this situation. You could have made the choice in the beginning if you were cool with them be exs. And friends.