I broke up with a guy I was dating a little while ago and I’ve just felt so disgusting ever since.
I had never had a bf before so I didn’t know what I was comfortable with or what my boundaries were and over the course of our relationship I found that I was asexual. (Quickly for anyone who doesn’t know, asexual people basically just don’t like the idea of sex/ don’t enjoy it.)
I found that he was always insistent that we kissed, especially made out which I never enjoyed but didn’t want to disappoint him cause he’d persistently ask me to if I said no. I found that he also made a lot of sexual jokes about me which made me feel very uncomfortable. We had sexed a few times as well but looking back I really regret it because not only did I not mean any of what I said but also because now I feel dirty.
I also feel like he’s aired out my dirty laundry so to speak out to our old friends to shit talk me as he’s very egotistical and likes to put other people down which makes me feel even more disgusting as I have bad social anxiety and I don’t want them to think of me as some whore or horny kid.
I can’t talk to anyone else about this especially as I’m a minor, so I’m asking Reddit for advice.
Comments
You have absolutely nothing to feel dirty about he repeatedly ignored your comfort and boundaries, and it’s brave of you to recognize that and step away, so please be gentle with yourself as you heal.
I’m really sorry you went through this. What you’re feeling is valid, and it’s okay to feel confused or hurt. You didn’t deserve to be pressured or made uncomfortable. You’re not disgusting you’re someone figuring things out and trying to protect your peace. That’s brave. Please take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to reach out for support. You’re not alone.
I’m really sorry you went through that. You’re not disgusting at all you trusted someone and learned more about yourself. That takes strength. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and heard.
Ace sexual? You sure you don’t mean asexual??!
Anyone would be feeling asexual after being subjected to the behavior described imo
First off, sorry you had to experience that. In the future please don’t let anybody pressure you into anything you’re not comfortable with doing. Don’t spare anybody’s feelings on the count of your boundaries being crossed & ignored…. I hope the dating scene gets easier for you.
We all have cringe worthy relationships we regret. I’m glad you removed yourself from this one.
Look we all do stupid stuff for love. You aren’t the only one but never feel shame for being loving. Now you know what you are comfortable with in a relationship and do not push yourself into anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Maybe you will find someone you want to be closer with, and maybe you won’t. But being asexual does not mean you can’t have a loving relationship. It does mean you need to be honest and clear with yourself with what you are comfortable with.
Find a good therapist. Asexuality is not something the average dater accepts, understands or wants in a relationship.
There are support groups and sites where you can find someone who shares your comfort zone. It’s important to feel total acceptance when you partner with someone. Healthy people shouldn’t expect partners to succumb to their phobias.
Fuck him. You got those subpar make out sessions—of course you regret it. Just accept that’s what you agreed to (if/when you did, even though it was reluctant or coerced). You were not in your right mind. We all make mistakes. It’s life and not a huge deal at this point as you can’t change what happened. Own it.
Now you know what kinda man you don’t want next time and what experiences you don’t like and don’t want ever again.
People being egotistical is often covering up their own sensitivities and insecurities. Empty vessels make the most noise.
Ignore him and what he says.
HE wanted YOU. He’s the one bragging about being with you. Remember that.
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you went through a lot and it’s normal to feel upset and confused after. Remember, what happened isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong by not wanting certain things or by feeling uncomfortable. It’s okay to discover what you like and don’t like, and you don’t have to force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable with.
Try to be kind to yourself. You don’t have to tell everyone everything, and it’s okay to keep your feelings private if you’re worried about what others might think. If you’re feeling really bad, it might help to talk to a trusted adult, like a parent, school counselor, or someone you trust. You’re not alone, and there are people who want to support you.
Most importantly, take care of yourself and remember that you deserve respect and kindness.
You are not disgusting. You simply got with the wrong guy. What he says about you does not have to be true.
There is no need for you to be having sex or making out with anyone as a minor anyway. In fact, you shouldn’t be doing any of that at your age, especially if you’re uncomfortable with it.
Don’t worry too much, you’re going to be okay. Now you know that you need to find a partner who speaks good about you, doesn’t force you to do anything you don’t want, and respects you.
A good partner also loves you, makes sure you’re comfortable by always ASKING about your comfort instead of telling you what HE wants to do. A good partner reassures you, and will never be disappointed in you when you say no to something.
You also now know that it is okay to say no. And don’t worry too much about establishing boundaries. You will know just like how you did when you felt uncomfortable having sex and not being able to say no.
You hear “I love you”, but do you feel it? Do you see it?
When I left my abusive ex I had spent 6m working with a therapist in another town to set up an exit strategy.
The bulk of that strategy was making my abusive ex think I had been cheating on him so that he wouldn’t want to chase me when I left.
For the longest time I was super angry that he had told every single person I knew that I’d cheated on him because I knew it wasn’t true. Not a SINGLE person EVER tried to reach out to me to even ask if it was true.
So that’s every single person I had spent the last 4 years of my life with, who I had frequently tried to check his behaviour with (so they KNEW he treated me poorly), just being like oh ok cool she’s a cheater.
I was devastated.
It’s now years later. Ive been with (and now married) a lovely non-toxic human for a decade.
And I can honestly tell you: I give no fucks what any of those morons think or believe. I’m glad they were that stupid because it also got them out of my life.
To this day my abusive ex still tells everyone I cheated on him (not sure why he’s still talking about me since he is also married). And when anyone else from the town lets me know, I say GOOD!!!
Letting the trash take itself out of your life makes room for new good and decent people.
I know it feels impossible right now, but anyone stupid enough to participate in his shit is just a walking red flag who is showing you they do not belong in your life.
You’ll find new people.
You’ll also continue to discover new aspects to yourself. I’m almost 40 and I’m STILL learning new things I’m into or dislike.
Humans are supposed to grow.
The ones who don’t aren’t worth pissing on if they were on fire.
Forgive yourself and stop thinking about being dirty.
There are dating sites just for asexuals and there has to be a subreddit or 10. Maybe try talking to Aces with a few more trips around the sun.
You’re not alone in this my friend. It’ll be okay I think.
This is a big problem right now for women but ultimately for everyone. We live in an anything goes culture so there is so much pressure on women to perform and let themselves be pushed around and degraded. I am now asexual too but I’m much older than you are and probably your mother too. I also happen to know my asexuality is trauma based and maybe someday as an old woman I can learn to trust again but I’m not too optimistic atm.
Just don’t let this experience with an ahole define you. There’s an excellent book called The Case Against the Swxual Revolution by Louise Perry. Every young woman should read it now
And also, not all guys are like that but you found out the trusting hard way they are out there so now you know to take it slow and if ANYONE pressures you after you w said No, you NEXT THEM IMMEDIATELY. You said it yourself: BOUNDARIES.
As for your friends: just pay close attention to what people say and how they act and if it’s not with compassion then next them too. The moral of the story: WOMEN ARE MORE SEXUALLY VULNERABLE THAN EVER BEFORE.
You single. You own your own body. No one can make you out to be a whore.
Brush it off. Let this idiot be. Lesson learned don’t do anything you don’t want to do.
Enjoy life.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
As someone who is on the Ace (demisexual) spectrum, you have nothing to feel dirty about- he was ignoring your boundaries.
The partners I’ve had the most success with are ones who understand my sexuality and have allowed me to make the first moves when it came to the physical side of our relationship. They treated me with respect and were patient with me as we figured things out.
The ones who didn’t or tried to push my boundaries are the ones who gave me the major ick. And it wasn’t due to my asexuality…they were just being terrible partners.
He showed you who he is, and the fact he tried to shame you to your friends shows what an immature dick they are. I hope your friends stood by you…if they didn’t, then unfortunately, it’s time to get some new friends.
You should reach out to Ace or other LGBTQAI+ support groups and find a therapist who works with asexual individuals to help you work through any hangups regarding physical intimacy, judgement and toxic partners.
Again, sorry that this happened to you; I hope your future experiences are more positive.
before someone comments and says “but asexuals don’t like/want sex/don’t want physical intimacy”…. Asexuality is a spectrum. It’s not simply about not liking sex it’s about experiencing sexual attraction or lack there of.
There are some aces who never experience sexual attraction but will still have sex for a variety of reasons, there are some aces who are repulsed by sex but are okay with kissing/romantic gestures but not sex, there are some aces who only experience sexual attraction under specific conditions, and there are aces who will never experience sexual attraction/desire but find fulfillment through platonic companionship.