I (22F) have been really lucky that my parents have supported me financially throughout my education. Since they divorced, my dad has been the one covering most of my school expenses. I’ve never had to worry about student debt, and he even supported me when I changed my major. I’m incredibly grateful for that.
When I chose my current major, one of the things I was most excited about was the opportunity to do a paid internship in New Zealand after graduation. My whole family knew about it—it was kind of “the plan” from the beginning: graduate, then head to NZ for work experience. They also know that I’ve always dreamed of getting married young, having a big family, and becoming a housewife. Whenever I mentioned that, they’d just laugh and say things like, “Life will surprise you,” or “Don’t rush it.”
Lately, things have gotten more serious with my boyfriend. We’ve started talking about marriage and building a life together. He’s even mentioned proposing when I graduate (in about a year and a half—I took a gap year and switched majors). He’s supportive of the internship and even suggested we move to NZ temporarily while I do it. But honestly, the idea of staying, moving in together, and starting our life right away makes me really happy. That’s the path that feels right to me.
Last night, my mom took my sisters and me out to dinner. She was telling us how proud she is of us and mentioned how proud she is that I’m going away soon. I said something like, “Well, nothing’s set in stone—who knows if I’ll end up going.” She got really upset and asked what I meant by if, and why I wouldn’t go.
I didn’t feel comfortable telling her about my relationship plans yet (since I know we’re still young and things can change), so I just said I didn’t want to plan out my entire life and wanted to go with the flow. She got even more upset and said, “Well, you’d better go, because your dad is already saving up for it.” I told her that if I end up not going, he can use the money for something else. We ended up going in circles until she left the restaurant.
Now I’m conflicted. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I’m aware my dad has done a lot for me, and I deeply appreciate it. But I also don’t think I should be forced into something just because it was expected of me, especially if my life is heading in a different direction.
So, AITA
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I (22F) have been really lucky that my parents have supported me financially throughout my education. Since they divorced, my dad has been the one covering most of my school expenses. I’ve never had to worry about student debt, and he even supported me when I changed my major. I’m incredibly grateful for that.
When I chose my current major, one of the things I was most excited about was the opportunity to do a paid internship in New Zealand after graduation. My whole family knew about it—it was kind of “the plan” from the beginning: graduate, then head to NZ for work experience. They also know that I’ve always dreamed of getting married young, having a big family, and becoming a housewife. Whenever I mentioned that, they’d just laugh and say things like, “Life will surprise you,” or “Don’t rush it.”
Lately, things have gotten more serious with my boyfriend. We’ve started talking about marriage and building a life together. He’s even mentioned proposing when I graduate (in about a year and a half—I took a gap year and switched majors). He’s supportive of the internship and even suggested we move to NZ temporarily while I do it. But honestly, the idea of staying, moving in together, and starting our life right away makes me really happy. That’s the path that feels right to me.
Last night, my mom took my sisters and me out to dinner. She was telling us how proud she is of us and mentioned how proud she is that I’m going away soon. I said something like, “Well, nothing’s set in stone—who knows if I’ll end up going.” She got really upset and asked what I meant by if, and why I wouldn’t go.
I didn’t feel comfortable telling her about my relationship plans yet (since I know we’re still young and things can change), so I just said I didn’t want to plan out my entire life and wanted to go with the flow. She got even more upset and said, “Well, you’d better go, because your dad is already saving up for it.” I told her that if I end up not going, he can use the money for something else. We ended up going in circles until she left the restaurant.
Now I’m conflicted. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I’m aware my dad has done a lot for me, and I deeply appreciate it. But I also don’t think I should be forced into something just because it was expected of me, especially if my life is heading in a different direction.
So, AITA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I am considering changing plans that have been set out for me for years
2 my family has been saving up for this plans
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s your life. You roll the dice, make your bet, and hope it works out for the best. It’s the only thing you really can do. If your relationship feels right, then you should absolutely go with the flow.
As to the money, your dad hasn’t actually spent it yet, so you’re right; if you decide not to go, it’s not like the money has been wasted. He can do whatever he likes with it.
NTA.– but seriously… go to NZ and get something solid for your resume. Don’t pass up experiences for a hypothetical life as a ‘housewife’.
So basically your parents have been expending money for you to get an Mrs. degree, as the old saying goes. Is what your boyfriend pursuing actually going enable you to be a housewife? Does he even want that kind of life? Because, he’s willing to move to NZ temporarily so you can do this internship, sounds like he wants something different in a partner. What if things don’t work out with him, what’s the backup plan?
NTA. But I guess I don’t understand why you think your life is heading in a different direction? Your boyfriend wants to go to NZ too. Why wouldn’t you just do that? What a wonderful experience that would be for the both of you to share together.
I hate to say YTA but that’s kind of the way this goes. Please rethink your plans, if you and your boyfriend are meant to be together, he’ll wait for you. It bothers me that your mom and sisters don’t even seem to be aware of how serious you are with your boyfriend? Why is that?? You’ve spend all this time on your education, and even changed majors. Try living a little before you settle down.
NTA
Your dad is helping a lot and you’re grateful for it. But you’re allowed to change your mind. At the end of the day, what you will do is only about you and what you want. It’s your life only, it will only benefit you and you will be the one doing it.
If your dad had already spent the money for you to go and you changed your mind, it would have been shitty and you would be the asshole for not thinking and impacting someone else with your decisions. But he didn’t spend the money for that intership. Just make sure to tell him as soon as you took a decision.
NTA, it’s your life. But don’t pass up a once in a lifetime opportunity just to get married a little earlier. You have the whole rest of your life to be a housewife.
NTA, but definitely go do the internship in NZ. It will make starting your life after college MUCH easier if you have work experience on top of that fancy degree on your resume. Besides, you don’t even know if you and your boyfriend will still be together at graduation. Don’t throw away this chance just because you’re young and in love
NAH, it’s about personal priorities. It doesn’t make you an AH to not follow through with the NZ plan. It also doesn’t make them an AH for suggesting their very young adult daughter to pursue their personal/professional goals before setting up for marriage.
Honestly, and since there’s NAH my personal suggestion is that if you have a partner that supports your professional goals, just follow them. I can understand that you dream of being a housewife and living with your SO and all the princess story, but you have your whole life to do that. The opportunities to learn, travel and grow you have on your 20’s never return … never. I would postpone marriage and take the trip. You can always get married later, you can never go back to and as a single/engaged twenty something woman.
As a 21 year old who settled down early, go to NZ with your boyfriend. Finish your education and get to where you want in your career before you have children. The effort me and my fiance are doing to balance school, work, our daughter and our home is insane, it’s a joy to have this life but it is difficult and my advice is to make it easier for yourself in the long run.
YTA- a major one. You wasted your parents money on an education you don’t plan to use. You watched your parents get divorced and didn’t learn anything from it. Your poor parents must be so disappointed.
NTA, as long as you graduate college they’ll be happy.
no, you’re not the asshole, you should do what you think is right, because it’s your life not your mother’s, and maybe it would be a good idea to also talk to your dad about this, when the opportunity arises… I hope all goes well 🙂
oof… I can’t even imagine how much money your dad threw into an education that you’re going to do nothing with.
You owe him like 3 expensive sports cars. Not like a Mazda Miata. We’re talking 6 figures.
YTA. Why bother studying, much less changing your major when you only ever intended to be a tradwife. Even now, a whiff of promise from your bf and you are throwing the planned internship away. You are happy to waste your families money until you can leech off a man.
You sound like a bot programmed for entitlement.
You had no problem soaking up your parents’ (mainly dads) support while dicking around in college but now want to become a tradwife?
Hope you marry a rich guy so you can pay your dad back for all that wasted tuition & support!
YTA
Never listen to this kind of plans . Life is so weird and one mistake can lead into something big in a bad way. Finish your studying, move to NZ with him and find a good job. Never give up on something because of somebody. Doesn’t matter if that’s a boyfriend or a girlfriend. If you have your own plans just follow them, if you meant to be together then it will work out for both of you but if not at least you will not regret for choosing most important things — yourself and your family.
If you do become a sahm, which it sounds like is what you want, GET A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT FIRST that provides for your husband to pay alimony when you get divorced. Your college degree will then be 15 or 18 years old, you will have missed that many years of work experience, and you will never get it back. You will never be able to support yourself at that time without help. Alimony is available less and less in almost all the states, which means that very many women who put aside careers in order to stay home and take care of children will be entering poverty in their 40s. Don’t be one of them.
Soft YTA.
You have your whole life to potentially be a housewife, and only a few months to have a really amazing opportunity in NZ. Go to NZ!
Even if you never plan on having a job, you should ensure you have your education in the best possible place to build a career. What happens if your boyfriend ends up un(der)employed for health or other reasons and you need to pay the bills? This scenario is surprisingly common. ~25% of working age people 25-65 are disabled. It doesn’t mean they are all unable to work at any given time, but this statistic is high enough that you need to have backup plans available to you for any potential gap in his employment. Likewise, if you end up single/divorced with kids in the future, you will need to provide for them.
Almost no-one works solely for the love of their job. Financial security is a huge part of why people build careers. Your parents are trying to ensure you build the tools needed to support yourself after they are unable to, and depriving yourself of a great educational opportunity will take away from their peace of mind about your longterm future wellbeing.
You will kick your own ass in 10 years with a couple of toddlers running around. You have the rest of your life to get married and a good 15 to 20 years to have kids. Dont go to get married.
i’m leaning NAH but honestly i would also be upset if you were my daughter in this situation. i would feel very hesitant about you deciding to put all your eggs in one basket- especially when moving to NZ would in no way negatively impact your dreams of settling down.
No one said you have to break up or ruin your relationship to move, and sometime a big change like this can be really good for strengthening a relationship. I worry you are too narrowly looking at this- only one of your options ends up limiting your options and stifling your ability to grow in a different way and it’s not the moving to NZ option.
I would just really urge you to not get too lost in this need to ‘settle down’ in the traditional way. it is your relationship and trying to speed run into marriage/growing up isn’t necessarily the answer to fostering a strong long last bond.
This is the second place you’ve posted this…
Forget who’s the AH, go to NZ (with or without your bf). These are life defining/changing moves that are not to be missed. Life is a series of choices, you have an incredible.opportunity in from of you and a supportive partner and parents.
You’d be an idiot (and an AH too, I guess) if you passed it up.
I think it is important to not make decisions in a pressure chamber. Take pause. There is a way … “… as you have purposed in your heart…” that you should follow. I missed this, because of my own hang ups, I should have not kept going with my course of study, but because of my hang up of “not being a quitter” I didn’t … I think I missed out on something I was meant to do… also the expectations of family gave a false sense of duty, but this needs to be balanced with the foolishness of youth that can lead you away from that life required you to learn discipline or face the consequences. You have thankfulness, and that is a great place to be, it’s a spiritual journey. These are the things I wish someone had told me.
What career were you thinking of pursuing in NZ? That’s a key missing piece in this. Is there a way to pursue that career path without going to NZ and without giving up your ability to have a career that isn’t being a tradwife?
Also, how old is your boyfriend?
You’d be amazed at how different a person can be at age 30 as opposed to age 21.