Hi everyone. I’m a 28m and I live with my wonderful 27f girlfriend. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. I’d like to start by providing some background – bear with me, I’ll do my best to connect the dots. Ultimately this is a relationship post, but I feel that context matters here. Or maybe I’m just looking for some validation because I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or not for being this way.
I have struggled with depression since I was a young teenager. Until I was 12, I lived in the United States, and I lived a pretty normal and happy life. I had neighborhood friends who I’d go on bike rides with, shoot bb guns with, and I also had my video game and band nerd friends for sleepovers too. Then, my parents moved us overseas to what most Americans would consider quite an ‘exotic’ place – leaving out the country to retain anonymity. My life went from idillic to hell in a matter of a very long plane ride.
Things were rough at first until – ironically – I ended up getting kicked out of the school I went to in 7th grade – for getting absolutely hammered in band class and shredding some electric guitar on a tabletop. It was a cry for help, and it worked. Fortunately, my parents sent me to another school locally with a much more international presence. Boom – idillic again. I can’t describe how happy I had become – I had friends, good grades, and freedom to explore a totally awesome city.
Then, my partying behavior became too much for my parents. Although I maintained excellent grades, a good social life, and participated in sports and music, they simply could not cope with me having such easy access to whatever I wanted at such a young age. It was just the culture there, but I get it now. My international friends’ parents were fine with our behavior as long as we performed in academics, sports, and extracurriculars, which we did. My parents weren’t, so they suddenly moved us back to our old home in the United States, which they kept while we were gone. Then, they sent me to a private school. That’s where things started going out of control.
My grades tanked, none of my friends were my friends anymore since I’d been gone for five years, and I was generally miserable. For example: I got into some trouble with the law, I had a horrifically narcissistic girlfriend that I met that year and dated until freshman year of college, and then she cheated. That sent me into another spiral, so I joined the military for four years. Then I became a disabled veteran when I really wanted to become a commissioned officer after finishing my bachelor’s. I was officially directionless.
I moved in with my parents for about a year to try to get myself together. I pulled a bit of a crazy move and started a small business that ultimately failed after two years, but that business is how I met my current girlfriend and how I was able to move out. But like I said – the business failed. I then got a job in sales, and our relationship stayed superficially wonderful for about a year and change. Superficially because I hated my job and it took a massive toll on me but I was adamant about not bringing work home with me. Eventually, the long hours, toxic work environment, and increased alcohol consumption got to me, and I quit back in March. I had been suppressing the negativity experienced at my job and basically let it all out when I quit. I became dull, boring, and unmotivated in the relationship even though I love her to bits.
Now, we’re finally at the meat and potatoes. I am simply horrifically depressed, but I still love my girlfriend so much. Honestly – she, my mom, and my dad are why I’m still here. I would never burden them with my early departure – but the thoughts and the pain are there. I have been open with them about these thoughts and assured them that I will never go anywhere.
But, I’m still absolutely terrified. She is the most amazing woman that a man could ever ask for. Smart, supportive, caring towards others, selfless, beautiful – you name it, she’s got it. I feel like I don’t deserve her. While my financial situation is fortunately still fine, I just don’t know how I can be a good boyfriend. I don’t just want to provide money – we have a very egalitarian relationship so we split bills and housework like a hot knife through butter. I want to be able to provide love, excitement, adventure, emotional and physical safety – everything. I feel like I’m screwing with someone else’s life and future right now because I don’t even believe in my own.
As humans, it’s easy to want what we don’t have and it’s hard to want what we do have. Apart from direction (which is super important to me), I have pretty much everything anyone would have to be grateful for at my age – girlfriend, family, food, cars (point A to B), (rented) house, etc. But I don’t want any of it. After so much rejection from jobs due to my lack of credentials, I’m just down. I pretty much have everything except a sense of purpose, but that lack of purpose and the bumpy road above make it very difficult to do the work that I know I need to do.
Since I left my sales job, I know that my girlfriend has been struggling. Sometimes I’ll just hear her crying in the middle of the night. I know that she cares deeply for me. We don’t argue and we’re always pleasant with each other. My presumption of her struggle is that she’s seeing someone she cares about unable to provide the same energy to the relationship that was provided at the start. Make no mistake – I love her more every day than the last. It’s just not being displayed.
So, Reddit… what would you do in this situation? My heart is in the right place, but my mental health is not. How do I muster up the discipline I know I’ll need to become the loving, energetic and romantic boyfriend that she deserves again? Is discipline even the answer, or do I need to look elsewhere? Also, any other advice that I may not realize as important is welcome.
TL;DR
I’m extremely depressed but love my girlfriend so much. I feel like I’m tampering with my partner’s future because I no longer believe in my own. I would love and appreciate some wisdom, advice, or thoughts from anyone who has experienced something similar.