I’m struggling with postpartum depression really really bad (newborn is 6 weeks old). We have a crap ton of stressors in our life right now and are dealing with a lot.
I also found out one week postpartum that my husband was sexting chats, AI specifically and paying for Ai pornography photos. My whole pregnancy. And in our relationship/marriage, porn was agreed on as a “no go”. Especially paying for it when there’s so much free stuff out there. I had told him from the get go that if he didn’t agree, and he wanted to watch pornography, that’s fine but I wouldn’t date him.
Now he admits to fantasizing about women he sees, whether it be online, in person, etc, and he’s “trying to stop that thinking”/“trying not to”. And I feel completely heartbroken, because to me, he’s my one and only. He’s my whole world, I don’t check out other men. I have zero desire to be with anyone else, let alone fantasize. And that’s what I want in a partner, and what I thought I had from him. I have a very high sex drive and want to jump his bones all the time, and he’s gotten on to me saying my “sex drive is too high”. But… I don’t lust after other people even with my drive.
I don’t know what to do. Is there something wrong with me wanting a partner who is just as obsessed/in love with me?
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A lot of people have different opinions on porn but there’s one major thing I think a lot of people agree to: you have to talk about if it will be an issue. And you guys did, and he’s still breaking a predetermined rule and boundary.
If you and him both said it’s a no-go, then imagine if he found out it was you going all these things and saying all these things. He’d be hurt and heartbroken right? I think it’s good to remind him of that.
Your issue isn’t that he isn’t “obsessed” with you the same way you are with him, your issue is that he has such little respect for you and your relationship he’s willing to break the boundaries you guys made as well as spend money on something like chokes down vomit AI… he’s investing in porn when he has a literal wife and kid (not to mention causing so much damage to the environment yikes!)
I would say you need to for sure sit down and tell him how disrespected you are when he does this and says these things. He can control himself, he’s a big boy, and he’s a father now. Would he want your child dating someone like him? Saying these things? Acting this way?
IMO it’s pretty normal for people to fantasize about other people, so it’s not inherently wrong, except that he broke his promise to you. It’s also entirely possible that he may have some kind of sex addiction that feels beyond his control and that’s why he’s been hiding it out of shame. A sex therapist could help him overcome that.
Or it’s possible that he is being a giant prick about it and just doesn’t care about the promises he made. Is he thoughtful and honest in all other areas of your relationship?
It sounds like you both are going through some tough things and couples or individual counseling could help save your marriage.
Your husband sounds like he’s addicted to porn. It’s not you, it’s him. If he wants to break his habit he will likely need therapy. Individual and couples. You guys decided before marriage that porn was a no. He went against that.
I feel you! I have BPD and relationships are very difficult for me. When my ex(ish?-it’s complicated) and I would break up for various reasons I found myself talking to old friends or even new from apps BUT it was because I was missing the connection and time and energy with him. I thought that if he didn’t want me then it’s time to take his word verbatim and try to move on. Trouble is: I can’t move on. He was my person. He is my person. No one compares.
Do you have access to a therapist or social worker? I’ve had PPD and you shouldn’t be going through that without support. My ex had a porn habit which I discovered at 6 weeks postpartum- just as I was cleared to have sex. 30 some years later I wish I had taken my own advice because it’s been a long painful journey. Bottom line you just had a beautiful baby and your body is still healing. Be kind to yourself, you are worth so much more.
everything you are feeling is super valid.
look, it does hurt, and the fact he paid – he broke a boundery, and he needs to work on himself and put work into the relationship to make you trust him again, should you want to.
i dont think it necesarily has anything to do with love, though.
porn is A. an addiction B. an outlet.
i too have an issue with it, like you. i do understand though that that and love are two seprate things, not affected by one another.
i had an ex who watched porn – it was abig problem for me (he lied and blah blah), and it took me years to undertand it says nothing of love. he always loved me. so so much. nothing changed that. neither did fanatasies or being attracted to people that arent me – cause thats super natural.
you seem to be the kind of person whose vision narrows only to your guy – and thats super sweet and good, it doesnt mean that people who notice outside attraction love less. or ar attracted less.
it doesnt mean he doesnt love you, wants to be with you, is attracted to you. it means nothing, basically just that he is human.
fantasies are normal – i hate that too, and would too feel insecure, but it is normal.
you can decide you are not ok with it and tell him that, and you can decide to leave. i wouldnt leave, but i would ask him to stop ifit bothered me, or have a converstaion first to see what i think.
porn is bad though – i would def talk to him about that, because you talked about this before and you were clear. its about respecting you (not love), and you deserve to be respected.
This happened to me. I laid down the non-negotiable about pornography in the first month of relationship. Fast forward, we have an infant and my dad is dying of cancer and I’m going back and forth between the hospital and rushing home to feed the baby. There on the bathroom counter is the porn for me to come home to. Had a big blowup over it, but couldn’t deal with much more at the time. 10 years and many many more disrespective repeats of this moment and I no longer had any respect for him because he had shown me so little. Eventually, it was over. He’ll never know how much the porn did to undermine our marriage – and it was my one non-negotiable he knew from the start.
Sigh. Porn ruins relationships. He needs help.
Obsession with a person or with porn isn’t healthy. A life in balance doesn’t have obsessions or addictions.
Expecting someone to be blind to attractive people isn’t realistic. If the fantasy is in his head, well you can’t control his thoughts. We’d all be walking around depressed & uncomfortable if we could read thoughts.
Don’t let your feelings be minimized or dismissed because you have valid feelings and you’re also a woman that gave birth. He knew paying for porn was boundary. It’s not a coincidence that you figured this out as soon as enforcing your boundaries became more difficult. He’s in a safer position, you’re stuck. This goes both ways.
I’d tell him, “in agreeing to this relationship we knew the boundaries we would need to accept. Using money that could be going towards family for seeing another woman naked, is disrespectful. If you want a relationship where we don’t respect each other, that’s what you’ll get. I don’t need you, I want you and make the choice to choose you and this family, every day. The decision to choose each other is going to become a lot more difficult if we don’t respect each other’s boundaries. This is your choice, I’m paying attention and I won’t be staying with you out of obligation.”
Ah I have a different perspective on this. Its different, and maybe a bit weird if you’re not into it (the AI stuff), sure, and he agreed to your boundaries when you first met (which maybe he shouldn’t have, but he loved you and thought he would be able to do it), sure and people have sexual needs beyond sometimes what their partners can offer them.
I absolutely agree that excessive use of porn has a negative impact on relationships, and on that person’s own sexuality as well. Its not benefiting anyone.
However, I also know that many men use ejaculation as a form of stress relief (not saying that is right or healthy, but it’s a byproduct of our society not teaching men how to process their emotions in other, healthier ways, and labeling them as weak if they do), and you said yourself that you guys have a lot going on right now.
So, he’s probably trying to relieve some stress without making his sexual needs your responsibility. It’s nothing personal against you. In fact, it could be seen as taking a burden(?) off of you.
Men and women don’t think about or experience sex the same. Men are biologically wired to spread their seed, and women are biologically wired to make sure they choose the right man to protect and provide for their child. Comparing the fact that you don’t have a desire to look at other men with his behaviour is expecting him to think and behave and act like a woman. And he’s not. He’s a man.
I would say that as long as he’s not physically or emotionally cheating on you, and his porn use isn’t excessive to the point of affecting your sex life, give him a bit of a break.
But that’s just my two cents.
I get so curious about what kind of porn my partner watches or what he fantasizes about because I want to know what turns him on. I mean, I have such a wide range of things that turn me on that some of them my partner just can’t fulfill. Putting that expectation on him would be ridiculous. So, I get those needs fulfilled in other ways. Its not personal. I think he’s fcking hot and love having sex with him. I am also into women and he will never be a woman. Am I being disrespectful to my partner to watch porn with two (or more) women? I don’t think so, and he doesn’t either.
Just a different perspective. Take it or leave it 🙂