Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/hO9zSZFH5V
Thank you to everyone who reached out. It helped a great deal. My (27M) original post was pretty much the first time I talked about any of this. I wanted to give an update.
My wife (29F) and I had a serious discussion about everything. It took us a while to get there because things were still tense after our last fight and our mini spats in between.
Our daughter noticed the rift between her mom and me. She asked me about it. I’m not proud of that. I never wanted her involved in our fights. It was a larger wake-up call. I shouldn’t have let it drag out.
My wife asked if we could talk, and we both apologized for the fight. She was worried that I was calling it quits after how bad our last fight was. She took us not recovering as quickly as usual and my distance as me being done. She wanted to make a gesture for our marriage.
I told her that her harsh action towards our daughter had made me question our relationship. She said she felt bad for intensely ranting about our daughter. She was overwhelmed and used the situation as a punching bag. She loves our daughter but is at a loss as a parent.
I told her we’d all keep being at a loss in our current state. We’re disconnected as a couple and a family. I feel like a single parent and alone in our marriage. Our current way isn’t working. Her lack of presence is the common root cause.
I didn’t feel like our daughter or I actually mattered and were more put up with by her. That statement really bothered her. She denied it and promised our family does matter to her.
She said she knows things aren’t good right now, but she wants our family. That she gets frustrated and says stuff she doesn’t mean, but it doesn’t equate to how she actually feels.
I told her it’s not just her words. It’s her actions. Her harshness and how she chooses everything over our family every single time while expecting us to just have smiles on our faces. We’re not props, and I can’t enforce a relationship between her and our daughter.
She said she has trouble with contentment, and it’s an endless chase. She has this need to keep chasing after an inner feeling she’s always felt she missed. We talked about the feeling before. It’s a high and feeling whole.
She said she thought our relationship was the answer, she thought our daughter was the answer, and then she thought her business would completely fill that void.
She said she doesn’t know how to be with our daughter. When our daughter was a baby, everything was easier, that our daughter would get excited when she came home from work, that no matter what she did or didn’t do, she had our daughter’s love. But she’s older now and barely seems to like being in the same room as her and clings to me.
I asked if she’s considered that maybe our daughter’s hurting from her criticism and broken promises. My wife feels she’s doing better than her parents. She said all our daughter knows is the grandpa and grandma who adore her over FaceTime. She doesn’t know what they were like.
Her childhood was staying in a child’s place, doing what was expected of you, representing the family, and attitudes weren’t tolerated. There wasn’t a problem they couldn’t solve with a belt.
My wife said she doesn’t believe in the belt as discipline, but she doesn’t know how to be with our daughter and fears she’s aggressive when communicating, so she leaves our daughter to me. She doesn’t feel she’s good as a mother to an older child or with expressing personal feelings.
She said I knew what her parents were like. She’s right. My in-laws ran an unforgiving household. My wife was pretty much a latchkey kid. My FIL was always working, and my MIL was busy with her community engagements. Feelings were compared to complaining, and there were certain expectations of my wife.
I was 17 and my wife was 19 when we had our daughter. Of course the circumstances weren’t ideal, but my in-laws made you feel their disapproval. There wasn’t support to be found from them. They told my wife that if she was grown enough to make a baby, then she was grown enough to take on the responsibilities on her own.
My in-laws have mellowed out a lot now, but my wife is no contact with them. She used her business to pay off their house, and that was that. I’m the buffer between them.
I’m accustomed to being my wife’s protector. That was always our dynamic. Especially during the pregnancy, when everyone had commentary, were comedians, or when guys would talk about her. Looking back, I think that’s part of why I made excuses for her actions with our daughter.
I told my wife that I’m in love with her, but our daughter can’t be at the expense of our relationship. We’re at a crossroads. Something needed to change. Counseling isn’t an option anymore. It’s happening for our daughter and me.
I want for us to come through this as a family. If she refuses counseling, I’d respect her decision, but her answer would give me my answer on what I needed to do for the best of our daughter. We’d have to separate for the time being.
My wife said if it’s between counseling or losing our family, then she chooses counseling. She wants to keep working on our marriage and reconnecting as a family. We’re not props.
I asked if this was what she really wanted. If we do this, it can’t be her showing up in word only but looking for any reason to skip out. She said what we built means something to her, and losing that has become more real to her now.
I talked with our daughter about her feelings on counseling too. I didn’t just want to randomly throw an appointment on her. She was pretty open to the idea. I think it’s because she’s close with my parents and she knows they do counseling.
My wife and I are officially in counseling. We’re trying a conjoint therapy approach for right now. It’s a new experience for us. Prior to this, my wife was never big on counseling, but she has been showing up. She hasn’t flaked.
There has been some improvement with my wife and daughter. My wife has pulled back on criticism and asking our daughter questions. Recently, we went to an amusement park as a family, and they had a good time together on some rides. My wife asked to pair with our daughter on a few games too. It was the first time in a long time I saw them share a laugh.
Nothing’s perfect. We’re in the early stages. I know my wife and daughter’s relationship will be a long road. I know how it pans out isn’t up to me, but I’m here to support our daughter in whatever she needs.
Idk what the future holds, but I want to be hopeful for my family. Maybe it’s not too late. I want the best for everyone involved. Our daughter will be starting middle school soon, and I told my wife that she’ll need both of us.
I’m hoping this road isn’t the end of my family. I want us to have to come through this together. When I chose a life with her, it wasn’t because we were having a baby, so let’s stick together. It was because I love her and want to be with her. I want to make this work.
Thank you to everyone again. I appreciate the support. It’s much appreciated.
TL;DR Update for: My family’s broken, and I’m trying to reassemble the pieces. My wife’s an extreme workaholic, and it’s come between our family. We’re not in a good place. Our daughter’s caregiving is solely on me. My wife and daughter’s time together is mostly short replies/silence. We’re working on reconnecting, but we had a bad fight. She’s given up on trying to connect with our daughter. She said she’s not good at it, and she’s just going to stay in her lane. She feels she can’t do anything right in our daughter’s eyes. It was our worst fight in a while. Now we’re at an impasse. In a lot of ways, I feel like a single parent. I’m failing to help their relationship. I just want everyone to be ok. How do I mend my wife’s and daughter’s relationship while also repairing my marriage?
Comments
She became a mom at a very young age. I hope it works out for you guys.