About a year ago my husband became friends with a woman on discord. She was going through a hard time in her marriage and they talked about ways to make it better. His friend knows that he is married, but she has since divorced. My husband tells me that they mostly talk about nerdy things like puzzles. He is adamant that it is platonic. I think that they have entered into an emotional affair.
My husband first told me about her because he told me a friend he made on discord was going to come visit for a ski trip. I started asking more questions and that’s when I found out more about her and that although she was married when they first started chatting she is now divorced. She came for the ski trip in January and it was awkward as fuck because I do not support the friendship and was open about that fact. This has caused a lot of tension in our marriage, we have been married for almost 9 years and we have never disagreed on something like we do with this. My husband feels like I don’t trust him and that I am attacking him. I feel like my feelings are completely dismissed.
To add context, he chats with her online everyday and they send each other selfies. We went on a family camping trip a couple weeks ago and got in a huge fight because he was texting her while we were camping. It made me feel like he can’t go a day without talking to her. When her divorce was finalized he sent her flowers. They send each other packages in the mail.
We have done two couples counseling sessions and he still won’t budge. Regardless of if they have only had platonic conversations it’s still too much and completely inappropriate in my opinion. I want to be in a marriage where my husband doesn’t need to text another woman everyday and send selfies back and forth.
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Stop being controlling lol
Yeah, I very much doubt it is a friendship.
People should stop using the term “friendship” when they’re doing other stuff as it diminishes the term.
NTA
I suspect he has some kind of savior’s complex and is enjoying this role.
Your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman.
If texting her every day is considered platonic, then I must be living in an alternate universe where my dog is my emotional support animal and not just my roommate.
NTA. This friendship is very inappropriate and disrespectful to you. Your husband may not realize it, but he’s in emotional affair territory. Does he talk to his male friends everyday? Does he send them gifts? Does he invite them on vacation? I doubt it.
What’s even more concerning is your husband dismissing your feelings and your comfort to appease his friend by inviting her on vacation and being on the phone with her frequently.
Ask him if he approves of you having a male friend to engage with everyday and if it’s okay if this friend sends you flowers?
Your husband is fixing other women’s hard times while he is ignoring you and your problems and home life.
I am with you on this. Mr. Fix It is helping others at the expense of his own marriage. In his eyes, he is her monogamous benefactor while in reality he is destroying his own marriage exactly as the woman he is texting and cavorting with destroyed her marriage. You certainly don’t have to be in a sexual relationship with others to destroy your marriage. You only have to ignore it regularly.
You’re NTA at all. But please don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you are just because he refuses to acknowledge how messed up this is
How does discord work? Can he show you the messages? Or do they get deleted? I wonder if you went over the actual messages/amount of contact in counseling it would open his eyes at all?
Regardless, it sounds like you are going to need to give him an ultimatum. He can continue this relationship with her, you can’t stop him, but he is actively destroying your relationship in the process. Whether it’s platonic or not, his behavior makes you feel like he is prioritizing his relationship with her over you and your family. When he can’t even take a break on a family vacation, he is showing with his actions that she is more important to him. Would he be ok with you having a relationship like this with another man? Sending selfies and talking to him daily and on vacations?
The second she started on about her marriage issues he should have clued in to what she was about and cut her off. Count your losses and ditch the cheater. I’m surprised you’ve put up with his shit for a whole year.
This is literally the stupidest sub on reddit
lol he’s cheating on you
I dont do ultimatums, but you need to make it clear to him, he cannot be married to you AND be friends with her, because youve already made the boundary with him clear and hes crossing the line deliberately. The relationship is inappropriate, and if youre uncomfortable with him talking to her, he needs to respect that or theres the door, because its heading into affair territory. Recently single women tend to be super vile.
Edit to add: sending one on one selfies is weird when youre just friends. Theres no reason they need to know what the other looks like.
NTA. This is past the point of just friendship. He needs a reality check.
Ask him what he would tell his son or daughter if they were putting their spouse in the same position? Constantly placing someone else above them in terms of time, energy, and affection. He’s lying to himself so he doesn’t have to be the villain.
Sounds like an emotional affair
https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-youre-having-an-emotional-affair-2303079
NTA married men and women can be friends ONLY if the woman is absurdly unattractive. Is she attractive Y/N? If she is, he has the hots for her.
PS. Not victim blaming here, but perhaps this lady is offering some kind of mental stimulation or attention he is not getting at home. Did you try talking to him about and showing an interest in his nerdy stuff like the puzzles and such? Maybe that could help
You’re not overreacting. Daily texting, selfies, and gifts cross boundaries in a marriage. Your feelings are valid, and it’s troubling that he’s dismissing them. This isn’t just about the friendship — it’s about respect.
NTA
No matter what your husband says to you. He’s wrong. He’s sending her flowers & gifts in the mail and texting her while on vacation with you??? And dismissing your feelings? Then says you can’t trust him? Yeah he needs to go
It’s time to just serve him divorce papers. Don’t even try to warn him. Just get your things together and leave. When he gets all love bombing on you, just tell him that he made his choice, and there’s no coming back from it as you can’t trust him because you know he’ll just hide it from you and not cut contact
Sorry, but your marriage is over.
NTA! Definitely an emotional affair. This is more than an online friendship. And also why does he feel the need to befriend a woman he doesn’t know online anyways.. I’d continue couples counseling if possible but all in all I’d consider issuing an ultimatum. He should have no problem cutting this woman off if it will save his marriage. And if he isn’t able to do that, well you know what you have to do. Sorry you’re going through this, OP.
Time for you to buy a few new dresses and start going on some dates
He sent her flowers?? Give me a break. He’s emotionally cheating on you. It’s only a matter of time before it gets physical. Give him divorce papers because it is clear he will not take your feelings into consideration.
Completely weird AF. No partner should be more invested in someone outside of the marriage. Counselling isn’t helping because he doesn’t see that he’s doing anything wrong. He doesn’t see that you have feelings and this upsets you it doesn’t matter to him. There are reasonable boundaries in every relationship for both men and women. Asked to see his discord conversations. Maybe get in touch with her and let her know that their friendship is hurting your relationship and ask her if that’s what she’s trying to do. She’s single and maybe her sites are set on your husband.
I’m so sorry. I don’t understand how he can’t or won’t see what he’s doing to his marriage. You seem to be the only one fighting for your marriage, while he sends her flowers. That screams cheating to me.
Updateme please
You’re going to marriage counciling over this? A divorce attorney might be money better spent because he is in infatuation with her.
Send yourself flowers from a male name and see how he likes it.
I’ve been through similar.
It’s clearly an emotional affair. Talking to her makes him happy, gives him a giddy feeling and probably makes him feel wanted. It’s possible he thinks it’s just a friendship, but it’s addictive excuse of how it makes him feel.
If he won’t acknowledge how it makes you feel, he’s prioritising that relationship over yours – and that’s the start of the downward slope to divorce.
You have a few choices:
Good luck. It’s a shit feeling and if you’re anything like me, you aren’t sleeping or eating properly and trust me – it catches up with you. Make a plan and stick to it.
Cheaters will find any way to rationalize their behavior, and use any platform to cheat. Even if it hasn’t turned physical, it’s definitely an emotional affair.
My husband has a customer service job, one of his regulars is a stripper. He added her on Facebook. I told him it was disrespectful. “But she likes the cookies you bake.” Cool, she can have them when she comes into your store, there’s zero reason to have this person on your Facebook. He argued a bit and then removed her from his friends list. I told him if he ignored my boundaries, I’d leave even though we’ve been together for 11 years. He wasn’t comfortable with me maintaining a friendship with a guy I’d slept with once, who was technically an ex, and we’d been friends since we were 17. I cut off that friendship (dude was pretty toxic anyway and I should have done it way sooner than I did, I was good friends with his wife and talked to her more than I ever talked to him.)
He is having an emotional affair
Even if it is platonic, the problem is he is investing a lot of time and emotional energy into another woman.
It comes down to your confidence as a woman and the affirmation that they provide to you as your husband in support of that. The same could be said in an inverse situation, husband not supporting wife’s male friends.
If their behavior isn’t transparent then any doubts or concerns are expected, average human to average human.
He has picked her over you. Stay if
You want to. NTA
It’s called cheating
Dear ..your husband is way out of bounds… definitely inappropriate
Does he send you flowers? Does he invest as much time into your relationship as he does with her?
It sounds to me like an emotional affair and he’s obviously willing to risk his marriage over it.
Your husband should be choosing you if you are not comfortable with that relationship.
I’m not sure if it’s an emotional affair or not, but he’s doing something that is causing you distress and he should stop if you two can’t meet in the middle.
Ask him what he would do if the shoe was on the other foot. Similarly, how would you feel if the friend was a guy?
Emotional affair. If he can’t be with you without texting her that’s a massive issue. You already lost him to her, he chose her over you.
Info: you’ve described his interactions with his Discord friend, but not the other friendships you or her have. You also haven’t described your relationship. And what is it you object to? do you object to other friendships? What would be reasonable in your view?
It sounds a little intense, talking to someone every day, but it really depends what the norms are for you.
He is openly and flagrantly having an affair with no regard for you. Choose yourself, like he’s chosen this woman, and get out of this marriage. Serve him with papers and make sure their Discord community and all your friends and family know why or he will twist the truth
I’m curious what the therapist thinks of this dynamic
If she were a man would you feel the same way? Are there other friendships in general?
NTA
You’re not overreacting, you’re under reacting
It sounds like an emotional affair, and he obviously doesn’t value or respect your feelings.
He is there emotionally for her, sends her packages and flowers, but what does he do for you besides dismiss your very valid concerns?
NTA
Tell your husband he’s having an emotional affair; YOU find it unacceptable. He helped her through her terrible emotional upheaval, but now he needs to focus on HIS marriage. Emotional affairs often becomes physical.
If he loves and respects you, he’ll cut contact, especially now that she’s divorced.
Bottom line, either it’s you or her.
How would he like it if you had a friendship like that ?
NTA
Your husband has a girlfriend. If he were male, he wouldn’t have sent flowers.
I feel like more context is necessary.
You don’t have to give it to us, but maybe to yourself and your own therapist.
I think I’d be a little uncomfortable if Phil and I were together and he had this going on with someone else. I think, if I were her, I’d be uncomfortable knowing that I was a woman making a man’s wife uncomfortable.
Again, there is obviously a lot more here than we could possibly know about your personal situation, so it’s difficult to speak on it.
I think I’d be paying close attention to that friendship, letting him know how uncomfortable it feels for myself because it’s unlikely he’d like the situation if it were reversed.
And yes, at some point, enough interaction could very well be an emotional affair and I wouldn’t want to be a player in that game, marriage is to be respected, and it’s why I put so much energy into expressing that if I were to ever be married, it would be to PhilV, and I would respect that union without fail, and I’d expect him to do the same.
Also, everyone has different ideas of what their marriage needs to look and feel like, so it’s imperative that you and your husband find that place of balance and happiness while setting appropriate boundaries you’re both comfortable with.
I’d never go after a married man knowingly, and I have never continued anything with one after finding out they’re married if I didn’t know at the beginning. Other people have different morals, so I’m not trying to denounce any other lifestyles, just expressing my own preferences about it and how I’d see it.
That wedding band may be a turn-on to some women, but I’ve never been one of them.
And to be clear, PhilV is not married, not involved with any other women, and if he is, I don’t know of it, and he’s almost certainly under duress in that.
I’ve never tried to have any type of affair with a man that was in any kind of romantic relationship, I have however been lied to by more than one man back in my 20s (not PhilV) expressing that they were breaking up/not with their significant other and then been rudely awakened to the fact that they actually were. Some men are just dogs, some are being coerced and abused, and some are under duress, and some are good – unfortunately, when people interfere in things that do not concern them, it’s almost always guaranteed to cause extraneous problems where none existed before.
Nothing I say is advice.
I hope you are able to find peace and happiness in whatever the future of your relationships look like for yourself.
NTA. That’s an emotional affair and will likely turn into a physical one if they get the chance. Needs to go no-contact with the individual.
NTA
Your husband’s friendship is not healthy for your marriage. An ’emotional affair’ can be even more hazardous/toxic for someone’s marriage. You’re not overreacting by being wary (and wanting husband to discontinue that relationship).
Your husband is cheating, and he doesn’t care. He has put her above you. He is disrespecting you and your marriage and disregarding your feelings. I personally and seriously would read their text messages because he’s allowed his friend to come between you and him and into your marriage. I bet that he doesn’t do this with his other friends, does he? I would prepare myself or him to leave, and I would give him an ultimatum. He IMO has a gf and is emotionally cheating on you.
This is boundary he is crossing and refuses to do anything to change his behavior. She was married when she met your hubby and somehow got the courage to divorce him AFTER they started talking. This doesn’t sound like a normal friendship.
I feel like there is more info needed here.
What is the rest of your relationship like?
Does he speak to other friends (of any gender) this often?
What is your therapist’s take?
Like others, I am leaning towards this being inappropriate, however, with the info given here it could also easily go in the direction of you not managing your own insecurities as well.
Honestly the most problematic part of all this seems to be him not taking you seriously. Is that typical behavior for him? Do you generally have issues being insecure? If so then I think this could be more nuanced than you’re making it out in the post, but if that’s not typically an issue for you then that would lead me to believe he is being the asshole. If you are usually confident in yourself and aren’t prone to jealousy then the fact that this bothers you would indicate a huge issue with him.
I like the comment someone else said about calling this a deal-breaker in therapy. If you feel this strongly then you deserve to say your piece and stick up for yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through this
Yeah he should end it, but in a best way possible, out of respect for his wife if for any other reason.
I could see myself in this same position. Being a male and having the habit of finding women to be best friends with. I most definitely would not be ok with my girlfriend or wife having another guy as a friend. Hell I’m gonna watch how close her stepbrother gives her a hug. Lmao
My husband had a female friend like this way back when we were dating. Same situation, except my husband was completely oblivious to anything nefarious & he just hates telling anyone no. When he noticed she was getting more demanding of his time, that’s when he told her he still supports her, but it’s not appropriate to be giving her a level of time & support that surpassed anything he gave me. Some women need that male validation to tell themselves they’re not to blame for their divorce. When he announced our engagement on Facebook, she completely blocked & deleted him. That’s how I knew she had intentions. If your husband is still giving this woman more emotional support & consideration, he’s already mentally checked out of the marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this. A major red flag to me are the selfies. Why do you have to be looking at each other’s photos every day? That’s a level of intimacy that def doesn’t bode well.
NTA. He is trying to gaslight you and that is not okay. An emotional affair is still an affair. I would tell him he needs to end the relationship, but be prepared to hold your boundary.
Give him what he wants a divorce so he can be with the woman he is in love with. Tell him he is doing nothing but disrespecting you and your marriage your husband is TAH and POS for not getting rid of his girlfriend
He is choosing this random woman he met online of you, his wife. If he has not already cheated, he is well on his way. Make him decide what the fuck is more important, and fast.
I’m sorry but he’s in denial about the EA (emotional affair). He isn’t willing to admit it to himself, let alone to you. I would write down everything about how it’s affecting both you and your marriage and ask him what comes first. Do this during a session, maybe talking with your therapist first. If he wants trust he needs to show that he’s actually listening or that he has entered something that’s destroying your marriage.
I’ve been there and I trusted him. I was blindsided when he broke things off for her only to have it fall apart shortly after because the appeal was that they were doing something wrong. It’s frustrating as the partner but if he doesn’t want to lose his family he needs to openly admit and fave what’s happening. I’m so sorry. Updateme
I am a married man. Years ago, I was in a Facebook group with a woman who was struggling in an abusive marriage. I was genuinely trying to help her as best I could. One of her messages got overly personal. I felt it crossed a line. So I told her I was out of my depth and she should seek professional counseling.
This was before I knew what emotional affairs were. I just had an instinct.
Ultimately, if he’s talking with someone of the opposite sex and this makes you feel “unsafe,” he should break it off to honor his commitment to you. Just like you would if the roles were reversed.
NTA. This is how the most insidious of emotional affairs start / continue, when one person is completely oblivious to the affair / connection.
Part of me sees value in finding a friend of his that knows of discord-woman to hit him with the “would you fuck her if she came onto you full-bore?” question. The answer itself is irrelevant – if he still remotely cares for you or your marriage (and his image) the answer would be no. The point is for him to catch himself saying “yes” and realizing exactly where he is in both relationships – especially that he’s ‘too invested’ in the one with discord-woman. This is how one dispells the “completely oblivious” part of his defense.
If, after the question is asked to him, he continues with this course of action – then it’s known that he is definitely looking, and thusly is worthy of a divorce. Any ultimatums will bear no fruit, he’ll either jump and run then, or he’ll start hiding better, or he’ll resent you for putting him in that position.
Maybe I am biased, but I think you are 1000% in your right to be pissed off. Theyre are making memories and experiences you are not apart of on the regular right in front of you. They are making emotional connections all day. She is not there but SHE IS THERE. She has made herself accessible in your house 24/7 and he has made himself accessible as well.
And the gift giving is the cherry on top. Oh he is so thoughful to send flowers to some soppy online twit.
Fuck these discord hoes.
WOW! NTAH!! He’s totally cheating with her, planning to cheat with her, wishing he could cheat with her or back around to cheating with her. He’s totally out of line, this is messed up on so many levels. First, he’s married and gets into this “online” relationship (yeah, he’s in some kind of relationship with her for sure) with another woman. Also, he’s fawnign over her by text and ignoring you and others on a trip.. then sending her flowers??? That’s not unheard of for a guy to send a female friend flowers but it would make everyone that knew feel uncomfortable and wonder what’s really going on. At the minimum he’s having an emotional affair…and if it’s online stuff, is she the only one?? At any rate, he’s disrespecting you and your marriage and he’s got to stop. Not saying they cannot be friends or guys can’t have female friends but this is way more than that. Sending gifts, nonstop messaging, inviting on trips together just isn’t normal behavior for either partner to be engaging in with friends of the opposite sex. It’s flat disrespectful. I’m sure there are some situations out there where it works and everyone is happy but they sure aren’t the norm.
That’s definitely an emotional affair, yep. He thinks because he hasn’t touched her, he hasn’t crossed any lines. Op, this is already ruined, & you have no reason to trust him ever again. You’re ntah. Let her have him.