I feel like an ass after writing the title, but … hear me out, please!
I (39f) have 3 boys and my boyfriend (41m) has a daughter. My boys are 9, 12, and 14 and his daughter is about to turn 7. He and I (both divorced from our previous partners) have been dating for about 2 years. Things are great, for the most part, but a source of constant tension is his daughter.
She is an only child and has been raised to do anything she wants, whenever she wants. Manners are severely lacking, empathy is non-existent, and she is mean. She has to have everything her way or she throws such a tantrum that we have to stop whatever we are doing as a family, to deal with it. She adores me, but her behavior is awful. She says things I have no idea why a 7 year old would even know, hits my kids, hits her dad, throws things, etc. At the table, she chews with her mouth wide open, spitting her food out whenever she feels like it, throws food, talks over everyone, and constantly tells me how bad anything I cook is.
My boyfriend honestly seems to be clueless when it comes to parenting. I’m in no way trying to say I’m perfect at all, but he tends to make it worse by placating her and not following through with any consequences. At mom’s house, this poor kid lives on her Nintendo Switch or is babysat by the TV. Mom buys her fast food 3-4 times a week and doesn’t seem overly interactive with her. She puts her in a million activities, that she ends up getting in trouble in or asked to leave because she will not follow rules.
I am TRYING. I made a behavioral and chore chart and corresponding prize box. She did great with this for a few weeks but we’re right back to the same crap with the nastiness, hitting, screaming and carrying on in public, running off, and general doing whatever the hell she wants to do. I do not think anything we do is reinforced at mom’s house.
I am at my wits end and considering ending the relationship because neither of her actual parents are working with one another or with me. When she’s at my house, I end up taking on the parenting because my boyfriend does nothing and I can’t just sit here and have everyone be miserable because of her behavior. I have talked to him and I do think he panics and just freezes because he is embarrassed. But also, like, this is your child. She is in therapy for behaviors/emotions but I don’t know how involved mom or dad are in it.
She hijacked family time for HOURS today with her tantrums because I put her in time out for hitting my youngest, repeatedly.
I feel terrible that I think she’s an asshole. I feel terrible that my kids are not enjoying her being around. I feel bad that I have minimal patience left for trying to work through this. I also feel like my relationship is suffering because I dread when she comes. I really don’t feel connected to my partner and have a hard time ever considering taking things to the next level because of how shitty my house feels with her in it. That sucks so much to even type.
Idk what else I can do, especially if it’s undone when she is not here. I really don’t want to continue having everything be a shitshow whenever she is here.
Any suggestions or ideas would be so appreciated.
Comments
what are the conversations like betwn you and your boyfriend?
If her own dad won’t step up and parent her, it’s not your job to fix the chaos he allows. You’re allowed to walk away if it’s hurting your kids and draining you nonstop.
Tell your mans how you feel like wtf
Kids that are raised without consequences turn into adults without consequences. My wife (39f) has a 19 YO daughter who recently had to live with her grandparents because I was going to get divorced over her behavior. She doesn’t work, go to school and broke every rule in our home. I dealt with drama and BS for YEARS. If you aren’t prepared to go through that I’d get out ASAP
I think in this case, you need to think of your kids first. This child is affecting them and if this continues, it may actually affect your relationship with your own kids down the line. How do they feel about your bf’s daughter? You’ve given this 2 years already. Has it changed for the better, or is it getting worse? You can’t control how the mom parents, and if you are doing most of the parenting of her when she comes because dad isn’t being proactive, I think your life will continue on this way. Honestly, breaking up with him may help him see how serious this situation is. Your job as a parent is to create a peaceful home for your children. This child is not your own child and you aren’t married to her father. Your kids should be your priority and you need to protect them in this situation.
I would end this relationship. There are a lot of glaring red reasons. But ultimately, just end it. You and your own children deserve better.
Her bad behavior and his lack of parenting is not your problem to solve.
Protect your kids. Walk away from him.
REPEATEDLY hitting any of your children should be a deal breaker. I understand that kids fight sometimes but this is more than that. It’s time for you to go.
It’s not your job to fix it, nor is it your job to be putting up with it being part of YOUR family dynamic.
To me it sounds like her parents are completely disconnected from her and she has no idea that what she’s lacking is attention. So she is likely using bad behavior as a source for that. If they were attentive, involved, loving, etc. a lot of the other behaviors (dinner manners, social cues, whatever else) would probably start being ironed out automatically. So of course she’s acting out when she’s sent elsewhere. She’s not getting what she needs. She’s being parented by screens and her actual parents aren’t doing much with her at all; she’s probably insanely lonely and doesn’t know what to do with it. That’s probably why external physical bribes don’t fix it or motivate her to be better.
If I were you, I would break it off. You’ve become her second parent and it’s not your job, it’s affecting your life and stressing you out. You’ve been together for an amount of time where it’s still reasonable to make this decision. I would go forward with this under the assumption that things won’t change or get better (plan for the worst and hope for the best). Would you rather continue this cycle for the rest of your life… or just not see her around anymore?
I know this is easy to say while not being in your shoes or relationship, but it’s worth pointing out that if you commit to this man, his level of helpfulness toward his OWN child is probably better than his level towards you, your children, and your shared tasks will ever be. He’s showing you he’s incapable. He’s letting his responsibility fall on your shoulders.
Overall nothing here is a good pattern. I’m sorry.
Dump this spineless clown and let his daughter know that she’s the reason why he’ll never find a wife.
I quit dating a guy because of his nightmare daughter coupled with his parenting style. I knew I didn’t want to live that way.
I don’t know why you put up with it so much. I’d leave a man that doesn’t bother to raise his own child. I know it’s hard for a single mom out there but don’t sell your worth to a man who’s not giving you the bare minimum.
If it wasn’t for my ex’s kid now being 10, this kid having therapy and extracurriculars, I’d think you were dating him. Thanks for the reminder as to why I didn’t stay. You can’t fix abuse (neglect) while she’s actively being neglected, and it’s not your responsibility. You have to take care of your own. And a messed up kid is a good way to keep you at arms length. If he can’t meet his kid’s needs, he will never be able to meet yours. You and your kids deserve nice things like a peaceful, safe, harmonious, home.
You have 2 choices: Break up with him or only see him when she is at her mom’s. Honestly, your kids don’t deserve this just so you can have a boyfriend. He isn’t much of a boyfriend if he expects you to tolerate this. The acting out is a cry for help. The poor girl needs counseling, and 2 parents who give a spit.
Why have you not walked away from this train wreck? She is an out of control spoiled brat who has already been violent with one of your children. It is unlikely that she is going to change anytime in the near future, and you need to be protecting your own children..
Sounds like a modern woman.
This can’t be fun for you or your kids. It sounds really disturbing, and there’s no way you are going to fix it, even if it were your job to do so, which it isn’t. I know you love your boyfriend, but there’s more than one fish in the sea. Be strong now, or this is what your future (and your children’s futures) is going to look like.
It’s time to either walk away or to set some new boundaries. If she’s making the house a miserable environment for you, imagine what it’s like for your kids to have to go through that with absolutely no choice in the matter. It doesn’t sound like it’s going to improve.
If you want to give it one final try I would stop trying to parent her and start putting boundaries with your boyfriend instead. It’s not your job to parent his child alone. If he continues to allow his daughter to behave the way she has been and doesn’t step up and learn how to parent, let him know you will leave. If she starts acting up and he does nothing about it, take your kids and go get ice cream or do something without him and his daughter and away from them. You don’t have to be around that behavior and I think it’s time you start showing him that you won’t anymore by actually doing something about it instead of enabling him by taking over his parenting duties.
You’ve been tolerating it and this gives him no real motivation to change his parenting style for your relationship. Stop putting up with it and see if he gets the message and makes a change. If not, leave the relationship for your children’s sake and for yours.
Please think about your kids and stop exposing them to this feral kid, apart from piss poor parenting she also seems like she might have undiagnosed autism or another behavioral disorder. Whatever the diagnosis is the fact that the parents won’t do their jobs is not your responsibility. Put your kids first and walk away.
I think if you stay you basically take over the parenting. Also maybe insist that your BF take some parenting classes so it’s not forever. If that doesn’t sound interesting to you, consider leaving. Also if seeing your bf be so bad at parenting (and it sounds like he’s not trying to get better) gives you the ick, that might be the end right there.
So this isn’t a child issue.
Your boyfriend is a bad parent. Why are you with him if you also have kids and you’re seeing this?
Also, the child might need an assessment to clear up possible learning delays or behavioral issues
Regardless, he’s not getting it done so he’s a bad parent.
Your choices realistically are: parenting classes for him and you now view her as your kid too and help co-parenting or you split up.
Something for you to ponder on- what is it that has caused you to accept this behavior for so long? Are things really that great in all other departments?
The only way forward is if you two have a plan and you both follow it. The thing is, her behavior could change really quickly if you both agree. Boundaries have to be set, positive reinforcement with small achievable goals rewarded, and lots of praise for genuine effort. I’d recommend you and your bf see a professional therapist or take parent classes; these can help because it doesn’t sound like he listens to you, but he might listen to a neutral third party
Two years? You live with this man? Hopefully not.
Let the next “girlfriend/victim” raise his feral child and you stop letting your children be abused by your need for a boyfriend. You’ve abandoned your first priority ( your children ) the minute you allowed that little girl to run amuck in your home while her father does nothing.
He “freezes”?!
Let him “freeze” all on his own with her and be a wonderful mom to your boys.
Kick him out of your life immediately. Don’t over explain or soften the breakup.
“I don’t see this working out so I’m breaking up with you. It’s clear you can’t be a parent to your own daughter so there’s no way your life can continue with mine and my children.”
The end…. Block and delete.
Finish raising your boys and if you want some D ( perfectly fine ) then go find some wrap it up and have a good time that evening. Don’t bring the D home, don’t cook the D breakfast don’t introduce the D to your kids. You’re a woman and women control access to sex. You can get it anytime you want.
If you want companionship invest more in your female and gay friends.
If you want love, pour it into your kids, friend and family.
Long term Heterosexual monogamous Romantic love is a long shot at best and statistically problematic at different stages in life. Too young, too old, incompatible cultures, beliefs, religion, economics, health conditions, children, role expectations, mental health etc ……. Long shot
Go with a safe bet. Go with what already is in your life and worth pursuing. Right now you are chasing an idea of a life floating away on a cloud while a tiny dragon runs around your home and your children fend for themselves.
It sounds like your BF doesn’t care enough about any of you to step up & take responsibility for his daughter – who’s not an asshole btw. She’s just a kid doing what neglected kids do. It’s your BF who’s the asshole & I’m not sure why you’d want to subject you & your children to this bs for another second tbh.
You stop doing things with her. When BF has custody, he deals with her, you take your boys and do things without her.
It will be better for your sons not to expose them to her. Please put your kids before BF and demon child.
There are many stories on Reddit about how kids dislike their step-siblings and resent their parents. Also, your stepchild will probably start resenting you for being the one to have boundaries AND might feel how you resent her. This seems like a disaster for family dynamics in the long-term.
I think you owe it to your children to make the best decisions in their interests ….and this probably isn’t it.
If you are determined to carry on, I think you need to take your boyfriend to family therapy and also get counselling for how to better parent the step-child.
Find a marital counselor and have this convo in a safe space. Tell him you are thinking about leaving. If he won’t step up and parent her and if his ex is going to sabotage everything, you can’t stay. She needs a child psychologist and boundaries. Ultimately boundaries can make kids feel safe. If he can’t do that for her, she’s going to a have a hard life because no one else will put up with her. You are ready to leave over it.
Unless he’s the Future King of England with loads of money, my feeling is he’s not with you and your sons having to put up with this. She is disruptive, rude, hits your kids and then it’s up to YOU to parent her? No, just NO. If her own mother and father can’t see that there is some sort of big problem here, it’s not YOUR JOB to fix it. I think that you need to set boundaries here. If you had a way to spend time with him ONLY when SHE is not around, so be it. Otherwise, I’d remove myself from what sounds like a torturous situation with no end in sight. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, but I’m afraid that if her parents are accepting this behavior, sooner or later, YOU will be made the ‘bad guy’ in this scenario while she keeps on running the show.
I would end the relationship. Don’t sacrifice your sons’ happiness and comfort for someone else’s child.
There is really no other solution if he won’t step up and parent his child.
It is possible to have rules at your house whether her mother does the same or not. It is not possible if her father is not participating and making it happen.
I would tell him it’s him, though. Don’t put it in a way where he can blame his daughter for the breakup. The result is her stressful behavior, but the source is his inaction. He isn’t accepting appropriate responsibility for blending the family in a functional way.
He is also setting a terrible example for your son’s by letting his daughter mistreat people a d leaving it to you to attempt to correct.
The child is not the problem here. The adults are. And there’s no way in hell I’d chose that type of parent to share my life in raising a blended family together.
NO WAY could he be the live in example that my son learns from. Nope.
my advice is to reframe this as you are not leaving your partner because of his daughter, but because he is a completely shitty and neglectful parent who has functionally given up on meeting the needs of his child. i would not be able to respect someone like this.
She is his number one priority no matter what. It is fine for you to not care for her but if that is the case then you need to bow out. Full stop.
You have to put your own kids first. This doesn’t sound healthy for them.
They’re siblings. Let your boys hit her back.
If mom’s in the picture, set up a camera so mom can’t say you and dad are abusing her.
But, I say just ignore her. Lay out the rules, you’ll call me (insert name), you’ll call dad, “dad”. You’ll be respectful. No throwing food, no hitting, no screaming etc. tell her she’ll be confined to her room. Also!! If she needs to cry something out, cry it out in her room.
Take EVERYTHING but a twin bed, mattress with a sheet a thin blanket and pillow. Hell, take her dresser and clothes so she can’t play dress up.
Tell her she’ll be in her room if she wants to be mean and rude and she can come back when she’s ready to be a family member.
This is your boyfriend’s problem and honestly I’m surprised you’ve stuck around this long considering his severe lack of parenting. Why would you want to be with him?
He needs to get this poor girl into therapy. She is clearly struggling.
Idk babe- you’re trying to move in on her territory, and it will always be her territory. She just went through the family as she knew it being blown apart. With no siblings. If I were you, I’d take several steps back. “I feel like my relationship is suffering and I don’t feel connected to my partner”. If your home feels “shitty” with a traumatized child (that your partner traumatized) living in it, you should end the relationship. It’s honestly exhausting reading about parents who blow their homes up and expect them to roll over and take it. Work on yourself.
If things are happening as you describe them, your partner is basically a loser. No self respecting person allows their child to behave that way. You have three kids. He has one. And he can’t deal? You sound ready to move on which is the healthy choice here for you, your kids, your current partner and his child.
Maybe not the best example but when I was a kid, my parents had a couple of friends with the nastiest most abusive son who would openly bully me anytime they’d come over. He abused me verbally, laughed at whenever I hurt myself and even crossed some lines sexually. I have never forgiven my parents for not protecting me from him. When I got older, if I heard they would be coming over I would leave and go outside for hours just so I didn’t have to see them. He was nasty to my mom, too. Called her by her first name which is not appropriate in my culture, was rude and did whatever the hell he wanted because he’s mommy’s special boy. If she is hitting your kids… I wouldn’t have her around at all.
You have not only a stepdaughter problem effectively, but you have a boyfriend problem. Obviously the girls’s mother is a terrible parent, but so is the guy you are dating. And if he is that awful with his current child, can you imagine having other kids with him.
You are human and you’re trying. Don’t beat yourself up for having real human feelings. The girl is a trouble and is breaking you up inside. It seems you’re a good person and really want to do the right thing. Be kind to yourself, you’re not making this up, the reality is that this girl is a problem and she is not your responsibility. Your boys are. Period.
Why are YOU parenting his kid? He’s a crap dad. He wants to off load his kid onto you and not do the work. Run. Fast. This already is impacting your relationship with your kids. They are gonna wonder why mom prioritizes bfs daughter over protecting them. You’ve made it clear to your kids who you prioritize. And it’s not them.
You need to break up then
This is no longer about your relationship and has become about your children. You have agency to do as yo please, your children have no such agency and are forced to exist in the chaos you choose to bring them.
Time to make the best choice. Oftentimes the right decision is usually the hardest. The path of least resistance would be to ignore this to keep the relationship no matter the price paid by your children
She sounds horrible, I wouldn’t stick around.
I would question why I would want to have a future with a guy who neglects his kid
Your poor kids
You really don’t have any obligation to continue this relationship. And you leaving might make him realize how much he seriously needs to change his parenting style. You have your own kids to think about. Staying with him knowing his daughter is hitting them sends a terrible message to them and they will eventually learn that you value your boyfriend’s comfort over their safety. You will grow to resent your partner and his daughter, but more importantly your kids will grow to resent you.
I’m divorced and coparenting with my ex. Our 7 year old son has ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder. His success depends on BOTH OF US being on board with effective and assertive parenting and appropriate discipline and positive reinforcement for the good and desirable behaviors. Etc etc etc.
Long story short, this scenario is no good.
I’m sorry I would sit him down give him one chance to start correcting it or you have to end things you can put your kids at risk or them hating you cause you are putting someone else’s child above them
It sounds like he has never learned to parent, and he won’t if you step in to do it for him. Meaningful parenting is hard (as you obviously know!), and he is looking for someone to handle his responsibility. If the relationship is worth keeping outside of parenting, set the boundaries of dating outside of his parenting time. I wouldn’t add the stress of this to myself or my kids – you’ve got enough people to raise without adding a grown man and a kid who needs a real parent. It’s sad, but don’t sacrifice your kids’ and your quality of life.
It sounds like this child needs therapy. It sounds like it may be deeper than a behavioral issue or discipline problem. Has she been evaluated? What does the school say?
This scenario is entirely to draining for you, and ESPECIALLY your kids
Oh man, this does sound exhausting. What is their custody arrangement, does he have her on weekends, every other weekend? Do you live together in one house or apt or do you have your own place too? Because it sounds like you’re trying your hardest but in an Sisyphean situation – anything you get done is then undone while she’s at her mom’s. ANd you can’t be expected to be fixing her after what kind of sounds like 7 years of parental neglect when they were supposed to be teaching her how to behave they were too self involved or focused on the divorce (still self-involvement) and didn’t do their job when it’s meant to be done.. It’s harder to go back and fix it now that she’s older.
I’d say you have 2 or 3 choices – if you have your own place for you and your boys – go there when she is staying with her dad (or if you don’t but can afford it – sublet a place for a while). This is what I would choose to do. Second option is to see if he’d be willing to let the mom have her for more days, cut down on his time with her. If she’s there every weekend now can it be every other weekend or weekdays instead so you boys are in school and not having their weekend spoiled. Another options you kind of suggested was ending it. But it didn’t sound like you wanted to do that, so don’t. She’ll grow up and be out of the house more and settle down with the behaviors and you’ll be a good influence on her. If you could establish a srt of moms house world is not the same as dad’s house world and the minute you walk through this door the rules and manner requirements apply. Kids can adapt to that kind o thing but tell him he has got t help you make her follow the rules and be polite and buidl better behavior habits.
Your first responsibility is to your children. This sounds like a relationship that needs to end for their benefit in particular. Maybe it will be a wake up call to your boyfriend about the state of his parenting, but probably not, since it seems he doesn’t care enough to put the work in. You do NOT want to coparent with someone like that.
Nope.
You will end up resenting him because he is not stepping up, leaving you with the responsibility of HIS child. Plus, she’s 7. It’s highly unlikely she will change. She was raised this way.
Also, from a safety perspective, things will likely escalate physically.