My (32f) girlfriend (30f) and I are visiting her family at the end of the month for nearly two weeks. Our initial plan was to stay at a hotel, and then visit her family throughout our trip. Now she wants to stay at her family home “to save some money” (even though her parents were paying for our hotel to begin with). Now she’s saying it’ll be better to stay at their home because they’ll pay for everything (food, outings, etc.)
Her family is extremely wealthy, and always insist on buying everything when we’re together. I genuinely appreciate it, but feel like a child, having them always foot the bill. I feel like it’s a way for them to control what we’re doing, and I don’t like feeling like I have to constantly appease them just because they’re paying.
It’s also tough because my girlfriend has a complicated relationship with them. When things are good, it’s a great time. But when things are bad (and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to her parent’s – especially her mom’s – moods). I feel like when she’s in a bad mood we’re walking on eggshells. She’s always been kind to me, but can be really mean to my girlfriend, and I hate seeing that.
My girlfriend will then take it out on me, upset that her mom is treating me nicely, but not being nice to her. Our last visit we got into a huge argument about her mom “loving me” and how I “took her side.” I hate confrontation (which my girlfriend knows) so me taking her mom’s side was me not standing up for her when they were bickering. I don’t want to deal with that again. My girlfriend is insistent that they’ve moved past that and things are good, but I’m nervous to fight with her again. We rarely fight and when it can be avoided, I try at all costs. So, this feels like setting ourselves up for another unnecessary fight.
It’s not like I’m asking to not see her family at all. We can see them as often as she likes. I just want a place to be able to separate ourselves if tensions do arise. My girlfriend thinks that because she has her own floor at home that that’s enough distance. AITAH if I just don’t want to be under the same roof?
Comments
NTA.
You’re not asking to avoid her family, you just want your own space to retreat to if things get tense — and honestly, that’s smart. Having “your own floor” isn’t the same as having a whole separate place where you can fully relax and not feel like a guest 24/7.
It also sounds like her family uses money to control the vibe and keep everyone under their thumb. You wanting some independence doesn’t make you ungrateful, it makes you self-aware.
Plus, you already know there’s a pattern of tension and blowups. You’re just trying to avoid another huge fight and protect both yourself and the relationship. That’s actually really mature.
Stick to your boundary. You’re definitely not the asshole here.
I get it. It’s nice to have your own space at the end of the day. But I get her side too. I enjoy spending time with my family and have no issue staying at their house, but my boyfriend would probably feel awkward even though they like him and he likes them. Same goes for me with his family. It’s just nice to have your own space
I wouldn’t say YTA, but if you want your own hotel room, then you’re in charge of paying. Your gf has a free room for yall to stay in but you don’t want to, so it’s up to you to get that hotel room then. Even if her family did plan to pay, that’s still their money, which maybe your gf wanted to avoid spending.
loving your independent vibe, go for it
NTA. I’m willing to bet she’s succumbing to pressure from them, and that’s why she changed her mind. Unfortunately, all you can do is be there for her, support her, and be her sounding board when she needs to vent.
NTA – I enjoy my family vacations so much more when I have a hotel too. It makes me feel more comfortable, like it’s my space. Although if her family pays for the hotel, it’s sorta the same as staying at their house? I don’t know.
But you have the right to insist on whatever makes you comfortable. Two weeks is a long visit.
Trust your gut on this one. You know the right answer. NTA.
NTA–having your own space is good for your relationship with her, and good for both of your relationships with them.
I had a SIL. She refused to stay longer than 3 days at any family members house. That worked.
You are absolutely NTA. Having a personal safe space is reasonable, especially if her family dynamic is unpredictable