I (21M) recently went to a 3-day comic convention with my friend (22M). He’s autistic, and I knew he was when I invited him, but his enthusiasm and excitement for the convention made me believe that everything would be okay.
Even so, I took precautions. I reminded him to take his meds and checked up on him throughout each day. I have an anxiety disorder, so I expected some discomfort since it was his first big con. I tried my best to make sure he’s okay, but he spent most of the con complaining.
Things he complained about over the weekend:
-the jaw hinge of his fursuit kept popping out
-doesn’t Like his face being shown
-face paint is overstimulating
-wants to wear a mask like me
-doesn’t have a weapon prop like me
-doesn’t think he’ll be visible in the group photos
-no one gave him a spare prop for photos
-too loud
-too many people
-we got sushi when he wanted Mexican
-we left him to rest and ordered food outside
-we were listening to music he doesn’t know
-we weren’t making an effort to include him in the conversation
-doesn’t like rushing
I had to help him through a whole meltdown because we rushed to the food court, he was overstimulated and he had to then make a decision about what to eat. I calmed him down, made sure he’s okay, and helped him order food.
After 3 days of babysitting him and having to reassure him at least 200 times a day and spending hours trying to convince him that no one hates him, I ended up crying in my room. I’m not someone who cries often, but I was so stressed and exhausted that I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to go home.
we got back to the city and I convinced him to go straight home instead of staying the night at my house (probably a good thing because the crowds were literally shutting down the train stations, this was the day of liverpool’s premier league Victory thing)
he messaged me for reassurance so I said something to the essence of;
“I don’t want to go to another convention with you until you can learn to look after yourself. I’m your friend, not your carer, so until you can learn to look after yourself I don’t think I’m ready to bring you along again. Perhaps we can go to some smaller cons and build up from there”
I think this was reasonable, he’s an adult who is capable of making intelligent decisions. He might be autistic but that doesn’t make him incapable of independence, he asked how I felt so I told him.
But some friends have said I was too harsh, he’s autistic and he can’t help it, I’m being abelist because I want to deprive him of an experience because he’s autistic.
I just want to be able to enjoy the con that I spent £400 on going to. I don’t want to be so exhausted to the point where I cry, I want to have fun and not feel responsible for someone.
My friend decided to get therapy and work on himself so he can go to cons with me again, we’re still close friends, but there’s still people who think I’m an asshole despite all this. Was I in the wrong for saying that?
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I (21M) recently went to a 3-day comic convention with my friend (22M). He’s autistic, and I knew he was when I invited him, but his enthusiasm and excitement for the convention made me believe that everything would be okay.
Even so, I took precautions. I reminded him to take his meds and checked up on him throughout each day. I have an anxiety disorder, so I expected some discomfort since it was his first big con. I tried my best to make sure he’s okay, but he spent most of the con complaining.
Things he complained about over the weekend:
-the jaw hinge of his fursuit kept popping out
-doesn’t Like his face being shown
-face paint is overstimulating
-wants to wear a mask like me
-doesn’t have a weapon prop like me
-doesn’t think he’ll be visible in the group photos
-no one gave him a spare prop for photos
-too loud
-too many people
-we got sushi when he wanted Mexican
-we left him to rest and ordered food outside
-we were listening to music he doesn’t know
-we weren’t making an effort to include him in the conversation
-doesn’t like rushing
I had to help him through a whole meltdown because we rushed to the food court, he was overstimulated and he had to then make a decision about what to eat. I calmed him down, made sure he’s okay, and helped him order food.
After 3 days of babysitting him and having to reassure him at least 200 times a day and spending hours trying to convince him that no one hates him, I ended up crying in my room. I’m not someone who cries often, but I was so stressed and exhausted that I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to go home.
we got back to the city and I convinced him to go straight home instead of staying the night at my house (probably a good thing because the crowds were literally shutting down the train stations, this was the day of liverpool’s premier league Victory thing)
he messaged me for reassurance so I said something to the essence of;
“I don’t want to go to another convention with you until you can learn to look after yourself. I’m your friend, not your carer, so until you can learn to look after yourself I don’t think I’m ready to bring you along again. Perhaps we can go to some smaller cons and build up from there”
I think this was reasonable, he’s an adult who is capable of making intelligent decisions. He might be autistic but that doesn’t make him incapable of independence, he asked how I felt so I told him.
But some friends have said I was too harsh, he’s autistic and he can’t help it, I’m being abelist because I want to deprive him of an experience because he’s autistic.
I just want to be able to enjoy the con that I spent £400 on going to. I don’t want to be so exhausted to the point where I cry, I want to have fun and not feel responsible for someone.
My friend decided to get therapy and work on himself so he can go to cons with me again, we’re still close friends, but there’s still people who think I’m an asshole despite all this. Was I in the wrong for saying that?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my friend that I don’t want to go to a convention with him because his autism made it difficult for me, I seem like an asshole because it might be perceived that I’m using his autism as an excuse to not go with him, or that I’m abelist
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You didn’t get to enjoy your con because you were spending all your time caring for an adult friend who, while autistic, should have been capable of handling himself and likely brought the whole experience down for the whole group by complaining the whole time. You had every right to say what you said and your friends saying you were too harsh are AHs too. Coddling him isn’t going to help him in the long run
INFO
> some friends have said I was too harsh
> there’s still people who think I’m an asshole
OK, so what?
Is there an interpersonal conflict here?
Did your friend call you an asshole for expressing this boundary to him?
We don’t care what third parties who aren’t involved think.
NTA.
One of my favorite phrases is “don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.”
I have my own experience with having to deal with someone who is “high maintenance” at a con. Not as intense as this, but I understand where you are coming from. I do wonder, though, if you said anything to him before your big declaration that he needs to look after himself, or if you were saying “it’s okay” or “don’t worry about it” throughout the event. If he was under the impression that you were okay with emotionally supporting him only to be told at the end that you were just appeasing him, that might be a sore point.
NTA. I’m autistic, higher functioning than your friend but still have my struggles with large events like that. If/when my behavior is causing discomfort for someone else, I want to know. I don’t want the people I care about to feel like they have to babysit me—I want their support, and I’m generally able to tell them what my needs are, but if that becomes too much for them at times I want to know so I can either figure out if there’s an adjustment I need to make, or if they’re not the right person to do that activity with. I also do a lot of work to make sure I don’t have to rely heavily on other people or become a burden on them.
It sounds like your friend took your message exactly how it was intended, and used it constructively to do some work to become more self sufficient and able to tolerate difficult environments so he can do certain activities with you. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Other people having a problem with how you and your friend navigate your friendship are the problem. It’s not their place to speak for your friend, who apparently has no problem with what you said, and it’s super fucking annoying when people say “they’re autistic, they can’t help it” as if people with autism have zero ability to learn any skills. You’re not trying to deprive your friend of anything and you weren’t harsh. You offered less stimulating experiences to work up to the big stuff and he’s doing what he needs to to attend the larger cons. You guys are on the right track. Tell the naysayers to mind their own business.
You’re not “depriving” him of anything. Tell your so-called friends that if they’re so concerned about their friend’s experiencing the con they can go with him! You’re not responsible for him.
NTA. You have your own limitations too, and having to care for him and manage his reactions is too much. It’s reasonable for him to plan his own ways to mitigate his sensory issues (etc.) and it seems like he’s doing that by going to therapy. He probably didn’t know how hard it was going to be, since it was his first con. I imagine it wasn’t a great experience for him either. The idea of going to smaller cons and working your way up is a good one. Since there’s no problem between the two of you, then you didn’t offend him by saying this. It’s a non-issue if it didn’t hurt his feelings. The other people can butt out.
NTA. You tried to be and were a great friend, but in being one your experience wasn’t fun. The “other people” can take him to the next one.
NTAH. Let people say and think what they want. They don’t have a monkey in this circus. You and your friend are ok, that’s what’s important, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. BYW, great job for being the friend who took the time, effort and responsibility to let your friend have a good time.
NTA
Anxiety is a disability too. Why does his disability trump yours? Tell your friends who are telling you you’re ablist, that they’re discriminating against you for expecting you to have to manage someone else’s disability at the expense of your own, especially when his was so bad that it impacted your disability and made it significantly worse. That you wouldn’t expect someone else with a disability to have to manage and care for you at the expense of their health, so why are they expecting you to sacrifice your health to manage someone else’s?
NTA, he sounds like a toddler and should be aware of that when expecting care from others. He needs to be more self aware and not get offended.
As a parent of a child on the spectrum – I think being direct will save your friendship with him. My son prefers direct – bc he can already feel something is “off”. He knew something was off – you were direct – now he’s seeking help. NTA
NTA. My roommate is autistic and loves conventions. I enjoy them too but she likes to stick to a rigid schedule where as I just like to go with vibes, wander around, eat lots of snacks, meet new people, etc. If we had to stick together we’d kill each other. The best way to do cons with a friend, in my opinion (and in my roommate’s), is to just set a time and location to meet and then both go do your own thing until that meeting time.
In short, I think you were exactly right to do what you did. It sucks to go somewhere fun and be stuck with someone who is so negative, demanding, and codependent. You aren’t being ableist at all– plenty of autistic people are perfectly capable of being independent. Frankly I think it’s shitty of your friends to just assume your friend is like that because he’s autistic.
NTA
Ruining your convention to babysit someone else.. thats a mistake we all make once, and hopefully only once. Even if you go together with others, a convention = you can/should do what YOU want and there’s no expectation for everyone in your group to follow each other around and do the same things.
Even IF you do go to another con again, push your friend to go do what they want so that you can enjoy YOUR own con experience too.
NTA.
The friends who judged you weren’t around helping him out either, so screw their opinion. (Aka they are the AHs in this situation.)
You also have some issues, which you have been forthright about.
Your friends dont have to know everything. In fact I feel likely it’s best to explore your boundaries with them.
Your autistic friend is a capable human being and can’t read your mind. The two of you need to work things out and if someone else doesn’t get it, that’s too bad for them.
Take care of yourself, too.