I have a 36-year-old female friend in Oregon who recently went through a tough breakup. She also lives with chronic autoimmune conditions that affect her heart and gut. Between her health and the emotional toll of relationships not working out, she’s been spiraling into deep sadness and hopelessness.
She often says she feels like she’s going to die alone, that no one is made for her, and that her illness makes her unlovable or easily rejected. In the past, I’ve always tried to comfort her by reminding her that she’s still worthy of love, that healing takes time, and that there is someone out there who will appreciate her for who she is.
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But recently, when I said something similar, she got visibly upset—not quite angry, but clearly frustrated. She told me she doesn’t want to hear the usual “stay positive” stuff anymore. She said she wishes her friends would just agree with her when she says she’s going to end up alone.
The thing is, I don’t believe that. I care about her deeply and want to be there for her, but I also don’t know how to show up in a way that won’t make her feel unheard or dismissed.
Iif you were in her place, what kind of support would you want from a friend? How do I respect her feelings without feeding the hopelessness?
TL;DR:
My chronically ill friend is heartbroken and believes she’ll die alone. She’s tired of people trying to cheer her up and wants others to agree with her bleak outlook. I don’t want to invalidate her—but I also don’t agree. How do I support her without hurting her?
Comments
Well you could ask her – she said she wishes y’all would agree with her, which you could make a deal and say, hey I won’t tell you you you’ll find the right person someday if you don’t tell me you won’t 🤷🏻♀️
But also, you can say nothing. Or you can just validate her feelings – “Wow, that’s such bullshit! ” Damn, that sucks!” ” What a dick!” Ya know?
Just be present as much as you can. Try to get her out in the sunshine, make her laugh, send her random messages letting you know she’s on your mind, help her do things that her illness limits – like work alongside her while she cleans the house a little bit, accompany her on errands, tell her she stinks and that she should take a shower.