TW: Miscarriage
My in-laws came to visit yesterday during the July 4 holiday to see their only grandchild, my daughter. It was her birthday a few days ago, so it was the perfect time for them to come see her. They live about 2 1/2 hours away and don’t visit that often.
Back in October, I found out that I was pregnant with our second child, but unfortunately lost the pregnancy. I was crushed, but I was eager to try again. We had told my husband’s parents that I was pregnant, but when we lost the baby the first thing his mom said to me was that it was God’s plan and that they had “mourned their loss.”
When I got pregnant a few months later, it ended up being a partial molar pregnancy, so it was not viable in resulted in another miscarriage. Once again, his mother said that it was God‘s plan. She’s not generally a mean person, and I think she just says things without thinking, but yesterday had brunch she looked at me and said, “you would’ve had a baby today!” I️ had forgotten it would’ve been my due date with the first loss.
I could not believe that she said that to me at all let alone in public. I brushed it off with a joke something like oh I would be even more tired than I already am. But that ruined the entire day for me. I have now told my husband that I do not want to go on the beach vacation That they had planned a couple weeks from now because I don’t wanna hang out with his family. He really wants me to go because it would be a lot to manage our toddler daughter on his own in a new place but I️ just have no interest in being around his mom after yesterday.
I️ said he could take our daughter solo but he says he doesn’t want to go without me. I’m not going. AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
TW: Miscarriage
My in-laws came to visit yesterday during the July 4 holiday to see their only grandchild, my daughter. It was her birthday a few days ago, so it was the perfect time for them to come see her. They live about 2 1/2 hours away and don’t visit that often.
Back in October, I found out that I was pregnant with our second child, but unfortunately lost the pregnancy. I was crushed, but I was eager to try again. We had told my husband’s parents that I was pregnant, but when we lost the baby the first thing his mom said to me was that it was God’s plan and that they had “mourned their loss.”
When I got pregnant a few months later, it ended up being a partial molar pregnancy, so it was not viable in resulted in another miscarriage. Once again, his mother said that it was God‘s plan. She’s not generally a mean person, and I think she just says things without thinking, but yesterday had brunch she looked at me and said, “you would’ve had a baby today!” I️ had forgotten it would’ve been my due date with the first loss.
I could not believe that she said that to me at all let alone in public. I brushed it off with a joke something like oh I would be even more tired than I already am. But that ruined the entire day for me. I have now told my husband that I do not want to go on the beach vacation That they had planned a couple weeks from now because I don’t wanna hang out with his family. He really wants me to go because it would be a lot to manage our toddler daughter on his own in a new place but I️ just have no interest in being around his mom after yesterday.
I️ said he could take our daughter solo but he says he doesn’t want to go without me. I’m not going. AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I️ cancelled my going on vacation with my husbands family
2. Now I️ might be the asshole because he thinks I’m disappointing his family abs stressing out our toddler daughter by not being there
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. That was so gross of your MIL to do that and your husband is an AH for trying to guilt you into going after what his mother pulled
NTA. I am so sorry you had two miscarriages. That is truly sad. And your MIL’s comments were thoughtless, although it sounds like you don’t think she was being intentionally cruel.
Putting aside the vacation for now, if there is an AH, it is your spouse. This is his mother. She is behaving thoughtlessly. It is his responsibility to deal with her behavior. After the first “God” comment, it would have been simple for him to say “You know mom, we are still processing this and grieving our loss. It is painful for us to discuss it and we are no where near ready to listen to any justification about our loss. Words that comfort you don’t comfort us right now. Please respect our privacy and don’t raise the subject of the miscarriage or our loss, until we are ready to talk about it and we raise the subject.”
If she is truly not a mean person, just thoughtless, then this should shut her up. If she persists then she is a mean person and you have bigger issues.
If I were in your shoes, if my husband stepped up, dealt with his mom and I believed she listened and will honor our request, then I would go on the vacation. (unless there are other reasons I didn’t want to go.
But if my husband doesn’t do his job, or if he does but my MiL reacted poorly to his comments, then I wouldn’t go
Just tell him it’s not God’s plan for you to go.
Sorry for your losses and that your MIL is an insensitive AH. Your husband should be supporting you in your decision, not thinking about what’s convenient for him.
Yikes, your MIL made a cruel and careless remark!! Ouch. NTA. Maybe some time and distance will show her the error of her ways. I wouldn’t want to vacation with her either.
NTA
That was a cruel comment. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are allowed to take the time and space you need to grieve and to not be treated that way. I understand it will be harder for your husband to handle your daughter without you but single parents do it all the time and his parents will be there too. There is nothing wrong with him having that experience with his daughter.
So … did you tell your husband what happened? What his mom said to you? I can only assume that you didn’t or he is as heartless as his mom when his only response was “but its going to be a lot to manage our toddler” (which, frankly, is pretty lame of your husband and doesn’t make much sense, considering there will be a set of grandparents there as well).
I feel like you (and people in general) would be in a much better place if they told people about hurt feelings, or didn’t just internalize when someone oversteps. I mean, this MIL is ridiculous. a). People who say “Its part of god’s plan” when a child dies (or anyone I suppose, but especially a child) are assholes. I’m not saying that as some sort of anti-christian thing, it is simply a stupid, ill thought, ridiculous platitude said by people who are on the defensive when something that is impossibly horrible has happened and feel their faith will somehow be under attack as a result. It is one of the worst things to say to a parent who has lost a child. b) People who are allowed to blithely go through life without people pointing out when they say unthinkingly cruel things “oh you know your baby you miscarried, that one that died? Guess what?!?!” just continue to go on saying things like that.
Absent some sort of confirmation as to whether you told your husband…. I don’t know… I suppose you’re still not an asshole, but at some point you need to take some control back in your life, and defend yourself when people cross a line. Because now, without speaking up to them you sure seem like an asshole because, at least to this MIL and the rest of your husband’s family you’re just arbitrarily pulling out of this vacation
NTA. Stepping back from the vacation, to protect your emotional well-being against these assholes, is a great idea. You need and deserve some space and time to heal. If your husband does not support you in that, he is an asshole. I’m so sorry for your loss.
You’re NTA but your bigger issue is how your husband is handling this. He knows you were hurt by this and it’s on him to talk to his mother and tell her how wrong she was and let her know how insensitive she was to the both of you. The fact that your husband wants to be around after something like that is a little concerning. I would not be around her without a sincere apology but your husband needs to handle his family. If he is unwilling to, that’s a much bigger conversation that needs to happen between the two of you
ESH – from someone who had massive fertility issues including miscarriage…..saying something is Go’d’s plan is unhelpful but I don’t think it’s cruel or insensitive. Lots of people say that in difficult situations in hope it can be comforting. It may not be but it’s certainly not cruel.
Re the due date – is it really cruel? OP didn’t even remember. I think people forget that close relatives are also invested in the pregnancy, birth and baby. MIL remembers. It is pretty normal for people to acknowledge a death anniversary or even what could have been.
I just am not seeing this as cruel if it’s not even on OP’s mind suggesting that OP is past this. Is it that noone should ever mention the miscarriages or the babies that could have been when as close relatives you also were invested?
If OP showed that she hadn’t moved past it enough or even seemed subdued at brunch, I’d understand but with no cues from OP why is it cruel for MIL to think of the grandbaby she could have had?
Sounds like it’s cruel only because OP forgot.
NTA
That was beyond a heartless and dismissive thing to say. So is the “part of God’s plan” statement but that’s a whole different can of worms. If she can’t behave at a meal, what’s going to happen when you’re trapped with them for two weeks? I’m so incredibly sorry, losing pregnancies is awful and you don’t deserve someone being so cavalier about it.
NTA. If I were your partner and my family member said that to you, I would have lost my absolute shit. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re overreacting. You deserve an apology, but you especially deserve time apart after something like that. Who in their right mind would ever say something like that? That woman is evil.
I feel like the Gods plan comment is comforting to the MIL but not to you. That’s fine but it’s not intentionally mean. The “mourned our loss” comment is weird and thoughtless. As remembering the due date. I think that’s sweet. She clearly cares about these losses she just not understanding you very well. Personally I think you need to give her a chance, have a one on one chat with her. Tell her how you have felt and that her comment have been ill timed and ill judged. Give her a chance to do better by you. Depending on how that goes should determine if you go on the holiday.