I (20F) have been seeing my boyfriend (23M) for almost a year. We met on a dating app and clicked really well immediately after meeting each other. Within a month he was over at my house staying there almost every day and he eventually moved in about a month after that.
I would like to preface the rest of this post by saying that we’re probably not the typical young adults. We both work jobs making over 100k a year each, we both have our own cars, and each of us carries little to no debt with high credit scores (750+)
I felt like I immediately clicked with my boyfriend and we get along great and we’ve probably only had one or two little fights throughout the entirety of our relationship. However, the difference between me and him is: I have dated since I was 16 and had a couple of different relationships up until this point but by comparison he’s only been in maybe one or two short relationships spanning 3ish months.
In addition, despite only being 20, I have been almost completely self-sufficient since a young age due to certain family situations. I have been living on my own since a couple weeks after I had turned 18 and by the time I met him I was already pretty well established (ie renting my own house, two dogs, decently nice car.) By comparison up until he started staying with me he was pretty smothered by his family and always constantly involved with them in every aspect of his life. Really, his only experience living and functioning on his own is from living with me for the past 9ish months. I will say he has come a long way in being self-sufficient but I can tell he still isn’t quite on the same level as I am.
Despite that though I feel like we get along really well, we have constant open communication with each other, we’ve talked about the ins and outs of each other’s financial situations, we pretty much split all of our bills evenly, and he’s even gotten himself involved with my dogs daily care. He’s caring and considerate and honestly perfect in my opinion.
On to the more complicated aspects: I knew my rent was going to end in January because my lease was only for 2 years and therefore I had already been looking to buy land early this year. Well he was living with me and we were dating and he seemed open to the idea and we ended up buying land together a few months ago(yeah I’m aware how this is probably frowned upon.) Naturally the next course of action was to look at building a house or some kind of manufactured home as a starter home for the land. I let him know that he didn’t have to go into this with me as we’d still hadn’t been dating really that long and it wasn’t like we were engaged or married, however he still seemed willing and now by the end of this month we will be closing on a 300K Deer Valley home.
Then a few days ago, he got a package in the mail from Russia and was adamant that I couldn’t open it. I had a sneaking suspicion and a few days later I found where he hid it and it was in fact a ring box.( I know most men like their proposals to be a surprise but I would rather be somewhat involved in knowing when(ish) so I can be prepared) so I of course asked him about it and after a bit of hesitation he confirmed that he had been looking at rings and was planning on proposing to me during our 8-day trip to Washington state later this year (wooo twilight vibes.)
Despite being really excited, some of my family have expressed concerns especially towards my age. They bring up how I haven’t even gotten the chance to live yet and what if I regret it down the road especially since we’re going in on a house together. The thing is though, having accomplished everything I’ve accomplished at such a young age I don’t really find myself drawn to the aspects of young adulthood that let you be carefree and I think with everything that’s been done and established I’m ready to make that commitment and that I won’t regret it.
So reddit, I’d like to know, do you think I’m getting engaged too soon?
Comments
yes, yes you are too young.
age matters less than emotional readiness. if you’ve talked about values, goals, and life plans, then you’re not too young
You’re not too young if you’re mature and ready..sounds like you’re both serious and stable
I think you’re too young.
I don’t think it matters how much you make, what your jobs are, what your life experience is up until this point. Saying that you’re “not typical young people “doesn’t really matter… Because you probably are very typical to other people even if you don’t think you are.
My advice is to not get married until you’re 25. You should have a long engagement and.
Too early. Wait until you’ve lived together for a few years.
Yes you are too young, and you haven’t been together long at all.
I would say that if you DO get engaged this young make sure you have a very long engagement before you get married. you are both (while established) at a very young place in your lives where things change quickly. Its totally fine to commit to the promise of a future and even start to plan for it but right now both of you should still be building who you are as individuals so that when you are married you have the best and fullest versions of yourselves.
I got anxiety reading this
That dude might be turning his life around for you. It takes time to do that.
Let him know that THIS is why you said yes.
Sincerely, man who is way more successful after matriage
I thought you were gonna say 20 and dating since 14. Still too young but dating for almost a year??
Also buying land and dealing with the hassle of building a house so young? Why not just buy a house that exists?
Here’s my logic….keep dating and getting to know each other. If several years later you’re still dating then great! Get married! If not, well it’s a good thing you didn’t get married!
But honestly what’s the rush? It’s not like it’s totally going to change your day to day life.
If you’re not convinced, look up divorce rates of people who get married young vs not.
To each their own.
I’d suggest making a pro and con list. As an accountant, I would ask to have a deep discussion about finances. If you both can agree, then go for it.
70%+ marriages end in divorce from Financial Issues.
Good Luck!
If you get engaged, stay engaged for a bit before marriage. Get to know each other, especially through trials and hardships. Trust me, there will be a lot of that while building a home together.
Not sure about too young, but definitely too early on in the relationship. Considering he moved in after a month of dating and now ur getting a house before you’ve hit a year, this relationship is moving quick. U guys need to slow down. There is no rush for marriage.
If u get engaged, keep it long. U need to give the relationship time to grow, deepen, and align. Ur in the honeymoon phase so everything is going to feel intense and perfect.
Just because u did so much at a young age, doesn’t mean u should race to the finish line before u hit 30. Ur identity is still forming. People change a lot in their early twenties and sometimes couples grow apart because they grow in different directions. U need to experience enough “hard life” stuff together for ur relationship to be tested.
Early marriages require extra intention, maturity, and adaptability. U need to have conversations about money, kids, religion, boundaries, sex, gender roles, mental health, family relationships, etc.
Way too young
It’s often considered young because (1) your brains are finished developing (2) in our culture there is a lot of personality and values development between 20-26 years old, so marrying young increases the risk.
Saying that though – do what you want. My parents married at your age and they’re now together and in love in their late 80s. My grandparents married in their teens and they were loyal and responsible and capable until their deaths in their 90s.
You decide what life you want. You know yourself better than anyone else. Just try to learn where others went wrong and avoid that trap. Violence of any sort should be a deal breaker and you need to have your own money just in case. Good luck.
Your 20s is when you make these impulsive, snap decisions. This is who you gain life experience – by doing something and then figuring out all the details later.
Make sure you’re protected legally/financially. Get a prenup and discuss thoroughly all of the possible avenues your lives might go down – staying together and if you want kids, what you’ll do if you can’t have kids, religion, political ideology, how you’ll handle conflicts, how you’ll handle things if one of you gets sick, can’t have sex anymore, etc.
Get non faith based premarital counselling and really make sure you’ve covered all the big issues during it. This includes how you want to act if you break up with each other, the prenup covers the legal side of things. Really talk about the emotional stuff.
And then keep talking, set aside time in your lives regularly to connect and really talk. A lot of relationships founder because after people get together they stop talking as much, and then they grow apart.
Life will throw you a lot of surprises and challenges. So really make sure that this person is the one you want to team up with, and then if it all still feels right. Go for it.
I will add a caveat and say that if I’d married the person I was dating at 20, I would definitely be a divorcee … but we are entirely different people and may quite likely have entirely different life trajectories.