My (20 F) mother (I will say 40s for privacy) is 5 weeks (or around that) pregnant with her boyfriend.
She found out a week or two ago about the pregnancy and I don’t really feel excited about the baby.
Sure, I make plans for what the nursery could look like or even a onesie but those are the only things I really am excited about with this child.
My sister (18) is over the moon about this baby, she makes constant comments about what to make it, what to buy it, what to do with it, etc and it’s making me feel like such a jerk for being so standoffish about the whole thing because if she can be excited, why can’t I?
I feel so weird for not being super crazy about this new step in my mom’s life, and I can’t tell if it’s just because of nerves or the fact that I’m an adult now and this new kid may push me out of the house or even the family (even though I’m pretty sure that would never happen).
She still has a little ways to go, so maybe my feelings will change but with how it’s going so far, I don’t know if they will.
The baby will always be my little sibling but I don’t know how I’ll fit into this new family dynamic especially with her boyfriend having 2 kids from a previous marriage.
I fear that they will either forget about me because I’m “old enough to care for myself” or make me “honorary” babysitter because I’m the oldest.
AITAH??
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My (20 F) mother (I will say 40s for privacy) is 5 weeks (or around that) pregnant with her boyfriend.
She found out a week or two ago about the pregnancy and I don’t really feel excited about the baby.
Sure, I make plans for what the nursery could look like or even a onesie but those are the only things I really am excited about with this child.
My sister (18) is over the moon about this baby, she makes constant comments about what to make it, what to buy it, what to do with it, etc and it’s making me feel like such a jerk for being so standoffish about the whole thing because if she can be excited, why can’t I?
I feel so weird for not being super crazy about this new step in my mom’s life, and I can’t tell if it’s just because of nerves or the fact that I’m an adult now and this new kid may push me out of the house or even the family (even though I’m pretty sure that would never happen).
She still has a little ways to go, so maybe my feelings will change but with how it’s going so far, I don’t know if they will.
The baby will always be my little sibling but I don’t know how I’ll fit into this new family dynamic especially with her boyfriend having 2 kids from a previous marriage.
I fear that they will either forget about me because I’m “old enough to care for myself” or make me “honorary” babysitter because I’m the oldest.
AITAH??
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I should be judged for being so unenthusiastic about my mom’s pregnancy. I think I’m putting my feelings before my mom’s and the other’s and letting it cloud my mind.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, your feelings are always valid. I can read that you’re already reflecting on it, and have some awareness on the possible underlying dynamics.
Is there any way you can discuss this with your mum without hurting her feelings? Or perhaps therapy can help you contextualise your feelings?
It sounds like you’re going to have to deal with it either way, so you might as well get some help in feeling better about it. But like I said: it isn’t strange to feel the way you do.
Good luck ❤️
NTA your feelings are completely valid. I always find it strange when parents have kids when their oldest kids are at the age of starting to have kids. While 20 is still young I know heaps of people who have had kids at that age. Always weirds me out when a parent who could be close to being a grandparent has kids.
NTA – I am 21 years older than my youngest sibling. I understand your situation and feelings.
Maybe you’re subconsciously protecting yourself. She’s only 5 weeks and in her 40s the odds go down a lot. Also the fact you seem to be the older sister, you’ve already been a big sister and are preemptively preparing for how much support your mum is going to want. When you turn 20 your relationship with your mum changes from when you were a teen. Maybe you’re mentally preparing for not being able to move into that next stage.
Your feelings are your feelings. You are not your sister and don’t have to feel like she does. It makes perfect sense for you to begin to think about how much you want to engage with this new baby and what is best for you and your own life.
NTA but are there real reasons why you think you might be “pushed out” of the family? Like not enough space/money or something? Because if that is so then you should talk to your mom, because such things need to be discussed and planned.
NAH You don’t have to feel anything special at this point. If your mom and sister are happy, you can be happy for them without being overly excited yourself. Them being over the moon is also a valid reaction, of course.
If all goes well, in time you’ll get to know your little sibling, and no doubt there’ll be different feelings about them at various times, but for now this is just a thing that is happening. No one can predict fully a family dynamic that’ll follow, and your relationship to your parents is changing anyway because of your age, from one between a child and parent to one between to adults of the same family. Don’t worry about it too much at this point. Take it a day at a time and enjoy the ride.
NTA
NTA don’t feel guilty, you’ll likely come around. My stepson is 14 years older than mine and husbands daughter. He was not excited about us having a baby. Our daughter is now 1 and he’s a great big brother and he just adores her! The first time he held her, he didn’t want to give her up to anyone else. I have no doubt you will fall in love with your little sibling too.
NTA for your feelings, but you are responsible for how you handle them. It is totally normal not to feel super excited about your family dynamic changing, or even about having a baby in the house. But keep reminding yourself that all you describe (“this new kid may push me out of the house or even the family / I fear that they will either forget about me because I’m “old enough to care for myself” or make me “honorary” babysitter because I’m the oldest.”) are things that have not happened yet and likely won’t happen at all!
You could opt to discuss with your mum what your fears are if you feel she would understand – or you could recognise that fears are not reality and to wait and see and meanwhile try to see the positive side of having a little brother or sister (like your sister is doing).
At least the first three months up to the first year of the baby’s life your mum will likely be very busy with the little one and have less spare time and less time for you and your sister – which won’t have anything to do with how much she loves you but everything to do with the fact that there are only so many hours in the day and babies can’t dress / clean / feed themselves! You can choose to resent the baby for that, or your mum, but all you will be doing is play an active role in your fears becoming reality..
You can also choose to help as much as makes you comfortable..given that can’t change this situation but you can make the best of it!
Good luck!
Nta
NTA.
If I wasn’t childfree I would probably be feeling just like you for these reasons:
you and your sister are way older. So the relationship wouldn’t be never “equal” between you. Also you all wont be “the same” on your moms eyes. Both of you will be always somehow “responsible” for the sibling, probably will get more help in life and you will be the default support system because (sorry for bringing up this subject) he/she will lose the parents sooner.
you’re also adults, so when you weren’t involved in the decision, you will be expected to shoulder the responsibility of the caretaking… if you refuse or leave you will probably get consequences (emotional or not) for doing so (because you’re not another small child that can’t be expected to “help”), because you’re “abandoning your mom and sister/brother”
this also sucks… but probably your mom and boyfriend are only having a child because they’re counting with your support. Financially and your free labour. I suggest taking casually about your plans (studies, going to the gym, joining clubs, consistent weekend plans and see if you get some sort of “what about the child?!”). Are the other kids (from his side) living with you? Are they men? How old are they? All of this must be taken into consideration.
I send you a hug.
Have a friend who went through a similar situation, she now has a son who is a year younger than her youngest brother, so a bit complex.
I think it’s normal to feel uneasy, especially if it’s unexpected or unplanned by your mother and her boyfriend.
But it’s not the baby’s fault. They will still be your sibling as much as your sister, and you might have the best relationship with them.
And yes because of the age gap, it will be different for a while, There’s only 9 years between me and my brother, I felt responsible for him until he was about 18, even still a bit now and he’s 21😂
Just take time, get involved where you are comfortable but don’t push them away either.
NTA, good luck babe ❤️
NTA… I was away in college when I get a phone call from my mother letting me know she was pregnant. I was 19 and my first comment was: “oh gross, you guys still do that?” 🤣🤣🤣
I was already out of the house, but my 16 yr old sister was not. And yes, she became the designated babysitter, and later on his primary caretaker because my mom was sick with cancer. All of this really altered her teenage years and changed her future plans. On the positive side, she did end up becoming a very respected and sought after Special Education teacher because of him. (He was born with Down syndrome) He just turned 40 last month and lives with my sister. He ended up being the biggest blessing for our family. Just keep an open mind, you will never know what blessings this baby will bring.
NTA for having feelings. Your feelings are your feelings and that’s OK.
But you’re 20. You should be thinking about leaving the house and going out into the big wide world anyway.
Maybe it’s time to grow up.
Hell, as a parent I have always wondered these things about every one of my kids before they were born… and after.
5 weeks is still super early. It’s a haul to 40 even if you’re 33, and your mom’s age, this is risky business. I hope you live in a metro area with expert doctors.
But you can use this a ms a forcing function to get on with your life away from the nest—as you mention, this isn’t your baby and shouldn’t be one your de facto problem.
NAH.
NTA. You are almost certainly going to have the kid pushed off on you frequently. I wouldn’t be happy about that, either.
NTA and all your feelings are valid!
This is a huge change in your lives and it makes sense you have big feelings surrounding it.
NTA
My Dad has about a 20 year gap with his sister. She’s only a couple years older than me. He was off to college when she was born and halfway across the country in the Army before she started kindergarten. My uncle was in high school when my aunt was born. They definitely have different dynamics than they would’ve if they were closer in age, and my aunt essentially grew up as an only child.
NTA. You are probably right that your mother has designs on your presence as a future babysitter.
Your mother’s reproductive choices and mate choices are hers alone.
You are fast and hard coming upon the fact that she has her life and you have yours, and yours is yours.
You may wish to keep your thoughts to yourself for the time being because your mother may need your love and understanding. According to the Mayo Clinic, a woman age 45 has a 53% chance of miscarriage.
I remember when I was about 16. A close friend of mine got a call from her mother during youth group. She went out of the room, and a few minutes later, we heard, “Do you not know what birth control is?!” But she gas always loved her little sister
> I fear that they will either forget about me because I’m “old enough to care for myself”
You ARE old enough to care for yourself?!? What kind of care are you expecting from your 40-something mother at this point? She hasn’t asked you to move out or pay rent as far as you have mentioned. Are you not making your own food? Doing your own laundry? Scheduling your own appointments?
What is it that you feel this woman owes her adult child that caring for a baby would prevent and why do you deserve it more than a baby does?
Also this post contains no personal conflict you’re just looking for validation for your feelings. YTA.
NTA
“I fear that they will either forget about me because I’m “old enough to care for myself”” … that would be the positive option
“and this new kid may push me out of the house ” .. THAT would be great for you.
“or make me “honorary” babysitter because I’m the oldest.” – this will happen, unless YOU make sure to set a hard boundary, if you can, make sure you live somewhere else
Either you or your sisterwill find out how exciting it is to be guilted into raising your mom’s kid – because SHE will work, and hang out with her boyfriend.
At 20, why aren’t you thinking about moving on?
NTA. Controversial opinion, think its selfish to have a baby at this stage of her life.
I think you are seeing it for the logic is is. Your mother is in her 40s by the time the baby is 10 she will be in her 50s, possibly nearing 60s. People are going to think she is the childs grandmother, can guarantee that. If anything should happen to your mother and/or her boyfriend, you will be the first person they look to as child carer. Your 18 year old sister is looking at it from the point of “aww its a cute wittle baby” because until now SHE was the ‘cute little baby’ of the family. Things will soon change when your mother is asking for help because shes sore and tired (and she will be… im mid 30s and am always sore and tired lol)
NTA have a think about why you feel like this.
You worried about not having that same family dynamic. The thing is that dynamics change all the time. You are 20 maybe this is your opportunity to have positive dynamic change!
Have your boundaries (your aren’t a free babysitter) but look at this as a new chapter for everyone!
NTA. I am not a baby person and have always felt that way. Someone else is pregnant? “Congratulations, I’m happy for you”, but don’t expect me to suddenly be enamored of baby sh*t, strollers, breast pumps, etc. It’s just not my thing.
NAH, you get to feel your feelings, they get to too. They are all happy to become a mom again or a big sister. You don’t share that feeling. That is fine. But talk to your mom about these things, in a respectful way. Ask what it means for the rest of the family, do they need the space so you need to move out, for example. It is very normal for kids to feel like a new child could change things, and this goes for a 2yo toddler as much as a 20yo young adult. To me it seems likely you are having ‘Big Teenager Feelings’ and mis/overinterpret/catastrophize, but the only way to feel confident that this baby is not going to replace you is to talk about it.
The timeline doesn’t work out. 4 weeks means 2 weeks after conception, that’s a period one day late or something. Did she actively try for a baby?