I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for 5. We have 2 young children. For a long time, maybe even before our first child, I began to see changes in her attitude towards me. We have never been a publicly affectionate couple but always were when alone.
Since having children, we get little support from family in childcare and both have demanding jobs. We split finances and housework 50:50, we support each other in conversations about our problems at work etc. We are both tired. We both work hard. I admit I may sometimes take things she does for granted and vice versa.
I have pretty much everything I wanted in life. A great job, a comfortable income, lovely children, and a wife I have loved for years. The only problem is that I just know she no longer feels the same about me and there is nothing I can do about it.
We have had multiple conversations about our perspectives. She tells me what she needs, more support with housework. I agree, I do it even though I am confident the work is equitable. I am an active and loving father which she doesn’t deny.
I tell her what I need, a wife who doesn’t belittle every attempt at affection, a wife who might ask me for a hug every now and then. It is soul destroying to get batted away every time I try and hold her hand or hug her. I feel like I am watching my life crumble when I should be enjoying that it has reached its peak. I need her to love me and if she does as she claims, to want to show it.
I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I know she would never cheat on me. It would just be nice for us to just be able to enjoy it properly.
Any advice would be appreciated? We have discussed couples counselling but have not tried this. She is reluctant to undergo anything like this and honestly I think it could undo the otherwise good space I’m in too.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Do you still date her? Date night, flowers, just the 2 of you
This is most likely about the mental workload. Who does the endless planning of social, sports and schoolactivities? Birthdays, holidays? Shopping for kids clothes?
You guys desperately need a housekeeper and babysitter. If you are dead serious about changing this, you really need to invest in these two things. Start going out every Saturday night. No ifs ands or buts.
You’re patronizing and a right fighter. “I do it even though I am confident the work is equitable”…. That is not real emotional support. It’s qualified, like you’re characterizing yourself as a martyr.
Something tells me you’re not actually listening to her or supporting her needs wholeheartedly, and you might lose her for it
It sounds like you aren’t really hearing each other or understanding the real issue behind the words. You’re saying you help even though you clearly don’t think you should have to but she’s saying she’s overwhelmed. You’re asking for connection but she’s hearing another demand.
I suggest couples counselling and I also have to wonder whether she might be experiencing undiagnosed PPD.
If you are to stay in a relationship, beware of a flagging of energy, a creeping familiarity that will spoil the fantasy. A second seduction is required. Never let the other person take you for granted-use absence, create pain and conflict, to keep the seduced on tenterhooks. – Robert Greene
Unfortunately the game never ends my guy, I know it sucks but that’s just how it is. This may sound like toxic bs but it’s just the truth.
As men we can love logically; wife, children, job and boom that should be enough right? But women ain’t like us they’re emotional, even the most angelic nicest of women are the same in this regard if you date around enough.
It ain’t about being toxic but about loving them in the way that they understand best.
Keep your head up man. All the best.
Attraction is about feeling seen and it sounds like she doesn’t feel seen for her inner world. Rediscover her.