TL;DR After dad died, Mom became someone I don’t like to be around, but it’s not easy to go low/no contact. She’s constantly negative. How do I deal with or move forward with this relationship?
I’m 38F and Asian (stereotypical pressure). Mom is 64F. After my dad died a year ago, my mom became someone I don’t really want to be around. However, I feel that going low or limited contact will push her more towards a worse path. Before Dad passed, I got along pretty well with my parents, but my dad’s death broke something in all of us. My mom is constantly negative now, complains about everyone, exaggerates little things we say, and always telling me she wants to start a new life with a new man (although still heavily grieving my dad). I find it hard nowadays to sympathize and empathize for her…I mostly just feel anger and frustration. Fortunately, I have a partner and siblings I can talk to, but this can’t be healthy. It’s mentally draining.
I’m not sure what to do or say anymore? I try to cut short conversations that I know will lead to anger. For those who’ve had similar experiences, how did you deal with your parent? I love her and want to support her, but I don’t like the person she’s become.
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Everyone grieves differently.
When my Dad died, it exacerbated already existing toxic dynamics. I became a much more glaring scapegoat (my Dad was always the buffer “protecting” me from my Mom and her ways) and I am now low contact with my mom (after a year & a half of no contact with her). You can’t change other people, you can only make decisions on your own boundaries to protect yourself and your peace.
She needs to join a grief group and get therapy to help her process the grief.
“I find it hard nowadays to sympathize and emphasize for her…”
Why do you expect yourself to do that? Sounds like martyrdome. Pretty painful.
You absolutely have the right to withdraw and not engage in her shenanigans anymore.
Does she live by herself ? You can’t do much . I know this problem very well. If you are extremely rich you can have a palace and put her in the West wing while you and your family “camp” in the east wing . She get a set of servants and sometimes you can see each other . Money fixes those things. But of you are not a Hollywood star or your husband is not a soccer player and you can’t afford that palace you can opt for two houses in the same neighborhood . At last 50 m distance . 200m is better . If you can’t afford that neither then bad luck . I know so well negative parents – they can get under your skin or worse – really damage you . You, your career and eventually your family . In that case she has to live far from you and you visit her from time to time (a very flexible way of expressing time to time ). If your mother is capable of having a cat then you could visit the cat (always fun ) and your mother as “bonus “. Don’t stay too long . Leave before the mental poison will get you .