I (29M) got into an argument with my father (65M) in front of my brother and mother. For context, my father is strict and authoritative. He also raised me and my siblings as the only one with a job while my mom stayed at home. However, his strict nature has always caused a strain in our relationship.
In this incident, he got angry at me because there was a misunderstanding about a piano keyboard that I sent to be repaired. During this conversation, he asked me questions, but I was having a hard time fully grasping some of the questions he asked. Long story short, he called me disrespectful. Mind you, earlier that day he had issues with my sister about her car, so the house was already tense as is. His anger was starting to make me angry because I didn’t yell or say anything rude to him. However, when he kept complaining about me, I instantly shouted at him “WHAT DID I DO!?” It is not often I talk back to him like this. I usually keep my mouth shut even when he reprimands me, but ever since he retired, it’s been happening more often. I told him that I wasn’t scared of him and a whole lot of things. He said to me that the doctor told him, before I was born, that I wouldn’t be good or smart and that I’m showing proof of that now. There have always been arguments between my father and someone at our house, but this was one of the biggest arguments I had with him.
The next day, my mom asked me to apologize. I was furious, but I spitefully did so just to keep my mom and siblings at ease. He didnt accept and said that we were “done.” Later that day I was given two choices: move out or kneel down and apologize.
I grudgingly still live with my dad because I have a young brother (10M). I want to be in his life where we can continue to play together and he can have his sibling be there with him. Without my sister and I, it’d be like he’s an only child and he doesn’t have friends, go out to people’s houses, no trips, no extended family (we are a very private family). I want him to have someone he can to talk to as he gets older. I do plan to move once he gets to high school and his childhood is filled with memories of his siblings. I would LOVE to move out and make decisions without my father’s opinions (he has strongly encouraged that we still live with him and help out). Sometimes I feel trapped. If I move out, because of the argument, there is a 95% that I wont see my little brother much because my dad will not allow it.
On the other hand, I feel like kneeling is degrading, but I was disrespectful when I had my argument with him, considering that he raised us. He has asked me to kneel and apologize to him once before, a few years ago (I did). He did the same to my sister and mother. I wish to move, but I dont want to leave my brother behind like that and I dont want to leave on a sour note. My mother has said that I should kneel and that could buy me time to move out on a lighter note. How do you assess this situation? What type of relationship is this?
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I (29M) got into an argument with my father (65M) in front of my brother and mother. For context, my father is strict and authoritative. He also raised me and my siblings as the only one with a job while my mom stayed at home. However, his strict nature has always caused a strain in our relationship.
In this incident, he got angry at me because there was a misunderstanding about a piano keyboard that I sent to be repaired. During this conversation, he asked me questions, but I was having a hard time fully grasping some of the questions he asked. Long story short, he called me disrespectful. Mind you, earlier that day he had issues with my sister about her car, so the house was already tense as is. His anger was starting to make me angry because I didn’t yell or say anything rude to him. However, when he kept complaining about me, I instantly shouted at him “WHAT DID I DO!?” It is not often I talk back to him like this. I usually keep my mouth shut even when he reprimands me, but ever since he retired, it’s been happening more often. I told him that I wasn’t scared of him and a whole lot of things. He said to me that the doctor told him, before I was born, that I wouldn’t be good or smart and that I’m showing proof of that now. There have always been arguments between my father and someone at our house, but this was one of the biggest arguments I had with him.
The next day, my mom asked me to apologize. I was furious, but I spitefully did so just to keep my mom and siblings at ease. He didnt accept and said that we were “done.” Later that day I was given two choices: move out or kneel down and apologize.
I grudgingly still live with my dad because I have a young brother (10M). I want to be in his life where we can continue to play together and he can have his sibling be there with him. Without my sister and I, it’d be like he’s an only child and he doesn’t have friends, go out to people’s houses, no trips, no extended family (we are a very private family). I want him to have someone he can to talk to as he gets older. I do plan to move once he gets to high school and his childhood is filled with memories of his siblings. I would LOVE to move out and make decisions without my father’s opinions (he has strongly encouraged that we still live with him and help out). Sometimes I feel trapped. If I move out, because of the argument, there is a 95% that I wont see my little brother much because my dad will not allow it.
On the other hand, I feel like kneeling is degrading, but I was disrespectful when I had my argument with him, considering that he raised us. He has asked me to kneel and apologize to him once before, a few years ago (I did). He did the same to my sister and mother. I wish to move, but I dont want to leave my brother behind like that and I dont want to leave on a sour note. My mother has said that I should kneel and that could buy me time to move out on a lighter note. How do you assess this situation? What type of relationship is this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for shouting at my dad and talking back to him even though he has raised us as the only one working a job when we were kids? I could be TA because now that I am older, it is as if I am taking advantage and it is disrespectful.
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NTA – In emergency situations you need to put on your own oxygen mask first, metaphorically. You will be better able to help your brother get out (put on his mask) once you get out. It sickens me on your behalf that literal kneeling is part of the apology ritual.
NTA. Move out; and invite your brother to move in with you as soon as he can do so.
Your dad is a weirdo abusive creep with a God complex and I say this as a Catholic. Anyway you’re between a rock and a hard place but I applaud your commitment to your brother. A possible way to deal with your weirdo abusive creep God-complex father is to just give him what he demands without even thinking of sharing in his beliefs. Just understanding that it is temporary and for the greater good temporarily and it will be over after a while and is in no way indicative of how you feel about your father or his beliefs. Both of which you will despise as soon as you are free enough to feel your own thoughts and emotions. Good luck. NTA
NTA. What kind of relationship is this? Abusive. Your dad is abusive. The pattern is there. He needed a fight, he tried all day, he finally got one with you over something you don’t even understand. That’s typical because it wasn’t the keyboard, it was him needing a fight so he could be the big man.
Dad’s a coward, that’s what we call people who only fight when they know they will win and he knows he will win because he’s the father and he is well aware of what would happen if you raised a hand against him. He can’t lose, so he uses you to feel like a big man. Petty, mean-spirited, coward who takes his anger out on his child.
Now he’s turning up the manipulation to get you to yield. He wants you degraded. That is how he feels like he’s something important, degrading his own child. He’s toxic and the sooner you can leave, the better because he will always need to prove that he’s the most important person and you’re his target.