TLDR; partner thinks I’m boring and I’m feeling hurt by it.
Hi everyone.
I’m struggling moving on from something hurtful my fiance said and I’m not sure what to do about it.
My fiance and I have been together for almost 10 years, and throughout our relationship, the topic of what I like to do in my leisure time has come up a lot.
I am the epitome of “grandma hobbies” in a lot of ways. I prefer 90% of my time at home. I have pretty bad social anxiety, but also, I enjoy being lazy and am very introverted. My ideal day is some variation of coffee, yoga, a walk, reading, and a movie day at home.
Several times over the years when we’ve gotten into an argument, he has made some comment along the lines of “you never wanna do anything but sit at home” and for some reason, the comment really stings. I’m pretty self-conscious about the fact that I know I’m boring to a lot of people, and when he says those things, it feels like the 1 person I want to accept me for the way I am doesn’t.
This last argument today he made that same comment and said “I wanna be with someone that wants to actually do stuff” and it felt like the most awful criticism.
It feels like fundamentally who I am as a person isn’t enough for him.
The thing is, he works 15 hour days and we rarely have any time to do anything, so some of it is timing. Also though, we’ve taken multiple cross country trips, hiked, been to concerts, travelled abroad, and will take day trips to try new restaurants, so I think I feel lost by what more he wants.
The reality is though his comment is left looming over me, and I can’t move past it and the fact that every few years we end up here at this same argument.
Any thoughts?
Comments
You two seem incompatible. Not sure why you are together?
Does he bring up suggestions for what to do that you reject? Does he say, “Let’s go out” and you turn him down? Does he end up going to do stuff on his own, or does he end up just hanging around the house when you don’t want to go out?
Does he have at-home hobbies? What does he do for fun himself, in or out of the house?
Sorry for this situation
I completely understand how you feel, not “being enough”.
Let’s be honest, it’s quite common that both partners don’t have the same passion for outdoors activities. And that’s perfectly fine in most cases!!
But it mostly depends on their answer to the following question : what do you expect from your partner?
As we’re not in therapy here, I’ll skip the blabla and go straight to the key components to take into account :