I (F26) and my bf (M25) are highschool sweethearts. We met in 2016, became official in 2017, and have been together for almost 8 years.
Since we were in highschool, we’ve always talked about our dream future life. It was the usual good jobs, nice house, and kids (we agreed on 2-3 kids). On one of our lunch dates during college, we even listed the names we would give our future children. We wrote the names down on a tissue paper, which I still have in my wallet all these years for safe-keeping.
My bf clung to that dream. As we got older, he became even more excited to work hard so we can finally marry and build the family we’ve talked about when we were young. I, on the other hand, have slowly lost my desire to bear kids.
When I was little, I always thought that having children was a given, not a choice. Once a couple gets married, they have a child and that’s what makes them a family. Of course, I later realized that parenthood is not that simple. Before you become a parent, you must be emotionally, mentally, physically and financially ready. You must accept all the responsibilities and sacrifices that come with having a child. I just couldn’t.
My first and main reason is that I’m TERRIFIED of childbirth. I don’t want to endure the excruciating pain of labor and the physical torture of delivery. I don’t want to experience postpartum depression and get body dysmorphia. I’m also anemic and asthmatic so I really scared of bleeding out or having breathing problems during labor.
My second reason is that I’m not willing to sacrifice most of my life to raise a kid. I’m a career woman. I have built a successful career that made me a multi-millionaire and a six-figure earner. I want to travel and spend my time on my various hobbies. When I have a kid, I know I have to put my career on pause for a year or maybe more. It would be difficult to land a job once again when I have that huge gap in my resume, so much more to find one that pays the same amount I’m earning now. While taking care of my child, when will I ever get the chance to travel again or focus on my hobbies? I know it’s selfish, but I’ve worked so hard to reach the kind of life I’m living now. I was not born rich or privileged. I came from a poor and strict family, so I had to study and hustle my way to where I am now. This is the life I want for myself, not crying in the mornings with a toddler.
Third is that I would have to raise the child alone. My bf is a seafarer. So when I give birth and stop working, he still has to work overseas to support our family. That means I’ll be left at home, being the solo parent of our child, while he’s far away on international waters for almost an entire year at a time (most seafaring contracts last 6-10 months). He could only spend time with the kid when he goes home for a few months before leaving again on another contract. I would barely have a support system to assist me. Sure, my parents are around but they’re also working so they wouldn’t be able to help me much with childcare. Even if we hire a maid, it’s still different when you have your partner by your side to look after you and your kid. I couldn’t imagine the frustration, the burnout, the depression that I will get in that situation.
Fourth is that this world isn’t a great place to birth a child. I live in a third-world country. Our government is EXTREMELY corrupt. Inflation is through the roof. The job market pays low no matter how high your educational attainment may be. Healthcare is so expensive to the point that when you get a surgery, you risk losing most of your money. When my child grows up, would they even be able to get a good job? Can they pay their bills? Can they buy a house or have enough money for weekly groceries? If they get sick, will they afford the treatment? I don’t want to bring them into this nightmare.
These reasons didn’t just pop into my head one day out of nowhere. They’re things I have thought about deeply countless times before I made my decision.
The first time I told my bf, he agreed without a second thought. He even suggested that he should go and get a vasectomy. This already rang alarms in my head because I knew how much this man wanted a child of his own. I also know that he has this habit of momentarily agreeing to what I say and then bringing up the issue again and again later until I change my mind. He did this occasionally in the months following our conversation, mentioning about how great it would be to have a child or how good a mom I would become.
So I told him about my child-free stance again yesterday. I made it clear that he would never convince me to change my mind. And he could leave if it’s something he can’t accept.
He cried on our call (he’s currently working on a German ship on a 10-month contract). He really believed that maybe one day I’d be ready to become a mother and my clarification broke that slim chance he was holding onto.
I REALLY love this man. He’s been my constant for a third of my entire life. We’ve grown together and have gone through so much for each other. I gave him the choice to leave not because it’s easy for me to let him go, but I know it’s unfair to force him to stay if he really wanted to have a child— something I couldn’t give him. I’m so scared that we would push through marriage and then later on he’ll build resentment against me because I can’t give him the family he always wanted. I fear that he’ll lose his love for me and replace me with another woman who can give him a child. However, I can’t also force myself to become a mother just for his sake because that’s not the life I want.
He still assured me that he loves me so much and he couldn’t bear to lose me, so he will stay and choose me. He just asked me to give him time to process and let the reality sink in. We’re not going on a break or anything. He just wants to take his time trying to accept my decision, trying to accept the fact that being with me means letting go of his dream to have kids.
It breaks my heart. I never wanted to hurt him, but I also can’t bring myself to have kids when it’s a burden and not a joy to me, especially since child-rearing would mostly fall into my hands given the nature of his job.
Do any of you have advice on how we should face this? I’m still afraid that I’m going to lose him and he’s still sad because we can’t have any children. I can’t really talk to him easily since he barely has signal and Internet onboard the ship. Please be kind.
Comments
You need two enthusiastic yeses for kids. Unfortunately, there are just some big issues which mean incompatibility long-term. You have a ton of valid reasons to not have kids – although just not wanting one is enough. Although it hurts, it’s probably best for the two of you to split. Let him find someone who wants what he wants, and you can find someone who wants what you want. It is possible. Temporary pain is better than a lifetime of resentment and misery.
Children vs no children is one of the clearest dealbreakers in the world. Sounds like if you have children, you will hate it, and resent him. If you don’t, be could resent you. There’s no halfway, here. You can’t have a kid part time. Things can’t always work out and that sucks but y’all should go your separate ways and find someone who wants the same things.
Yea gonna have to end it
Honestly, part of this could be assuaged by sitting down and figuring it out, meaning if you actually make that much money you can also likely afford ample help in raising the child, not have to take that much time off work, etc, don’t have to bear children yourself, etc. the other kicker is he then needs a new job where he’s actually present, right? You can’t want to have kids and be gone most of the year and leave that whole burden to someone who doesn’t want to be a single parent by choice. That said, he wants kids and you don’t, he has to actually come to terms with the choice he’s making and has to be mature enough that if there’s any part of him that still wants kids, you two need to break up and YOU may have to take that step as he kind of gets to just check out for almost a year.
How are you a multi-millionaire and six figure earner at 26 while simultaneously living in a corrupt third world country where the job market pays low enough that you worry about your kids being able to support themselves?
Have you sat down and laid out for him the timeline he will have to be with his future children? I don’t think he is really accounting for how long he will be away, leaving you to be a single mother. Him being gone for almost a year at a time with a child at home will no doubt weigh on your future child and not allow him to form proper bonds with the child, and can leave the child feeling neglected or forgotten. I don’t think he is being realistic, but I do think you are. He is expecting to have a family that he can drop in on, only to leave again for another year, missing most milestones and important bonding time. Yes, the child will know that’s “dad”, but he will really just be like the fun uncle that visits once or twice a year.
He wouldn’t even be raising the child. He wants one so much because he would get to be a father in name and not have to do any of the hard stuff. I can’t imagine any woman that would be enthusiastic about having a child with someone that won’t be around.
He either accepts that you’re not going to have kids or he leaves. Those are the only options.
> We’ve grown together
I would say that you’ve grown alongside one another, that you’ve complemented one another, but you haven’t grown together – at some point you diverged and now what you both need to thrive and keep growing is different. I’m sure it sucks and it’s painful because you’ve been imagining this beautiful life together, but the live you were thinking of are entirely different. You can respect and cherish what you’ve had but parting isn’t the worst of all things
When the biological clock hits in ten years and she broke up with her best option, this thread will look grim.