We’ve been together for about 2.5 years. And he was a social smoker, and daily dip (smokeless tobacco) user when we first met and fell in love. It hated it from the beginning (I’ve always found it gross, and I hated the potential health risks), but we discussed it and he agreed to not do it in front of me, so we moved forward.
I started noticing that almost every time after we spent time together, I’d get sick to my stomach. I have lots of food sensitivities, so I assumed it was because I had eaten something I shouldn’t have. But I started being very careful about what I ate when we were together yet still had problems. I eventually put two and two together and realized it was the dip making me sick (because he’d use it before I came over, and then we’d kiss) Adding it to the list of things that upsets my stomach.
So we had another conversation and he agreed to stop using it altogether. He successfully quit for about a year and a half with only one backslide (which he lied to me about).
We’ve had a rough time lately and he says that one of the reasons is because I forced him to quit tobacco. He wants to go back to using it and now it’s a deal breaker for him.
I don’t know what to do. We have become serious in our relationship, talking about the future and being together forever. We love each other very much. I can’t stand the idea of him using again and getting cancer, let alone me having to deal my own personal physical side effects. I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t think I can handle his starting again.
TLDR: partner wants to start using smokeless tobacco again despite the health risks to both of us
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
[deleted]
If its a deal breaker you have to end it, now matter how much you love him you have to leave him. The health aspects are not worth the risk.
That’s like putting your whole mouth in the dip! Look, when you take a dip, just take one dip and END IT!
He told you he’s choosing his addiction over your relationship. That’s that. I’m sorry,girl.
If he chooses to do it, you either need to treat it like a dealbreaker and leave or decide that it’s not actually a dealbreaker.
I bet a large amount of money that he has continued at work and other places. Please probably also using some of the nicotine pouches you can buy at the gas station. That’s a very hard addiction to shake and I would be very surprised if he actually is cold turkey.
I don’t like weed and the smell makes me nauseous. So I don’t date men who smoke it. Easy enough to just weed out guys in advance.
Put up with it or break up.
I ended up divorced.
If it’s a dealbreaker, let it break the deal.
I’ve been that smoker that tried and failed and tried and failed and tried to quit. It’s fucking hard. But I’ve never hid it from my partner. Quitting for someone else simply doesn’t work. You have to quit for yourself.
Here’s what that looks like to me: If I start seriously smoking again, I will lose my wife. So I won’t smoke.
The difference here may sound a little selfish. I don’t smoke because my wife asked me not to. I don’t smoke because if I do, I’ll lose my relationship.
He’s telling you that smoking, to him, is more important than his relationship with you.
You can’t change him. Only he can change him.
Yack. Dip is disgusting. If this is truly a dealbreaker for him, if he MUST indulge in this disgusting habit that literally makes you sick, then show him the door.
You end it. If he can’t be without and you can’t be around it or kiss him, then it’s done deal.
Tobacco was and will always be a hard stop for me. That’s a personal choice. I am in a long term relationship with an amazing person for over 6 years. If she started smoking tmrw (she used to be a smoker) then I don’t think I could continue. He is already holding resentment towards you over it and weaponizing it during arguments. What other evidence do you need of how this needs to go?
I quit smoking and my deal breaker is smokers or dip. I don’t need to be around that.
He’s betting you’ll cave.
Oral cancers are no joke and blaming YOU for his addiction is a real problem
I’m not even getting into that age difference.
He’s an immature 35.
Just let him go back to dip and whatever other disgusting habits are more important than his health and your relationship
If it’s a deal breaker then it’s a deal breaker. If he wants to dip and his disgusting dip habit makes you physically ill, then it’s time to leave.
It’s either a deal breaker or it’s not. You each have to choose what you can live with or without. If he’s not going to quit, you need to decide if you can stay. Personally, I wouldn’t
You’ve communicated repeatedly it’s a deal breaker for you. He isn’t willing to continue not using, so the deal is broken.
Love alone isn’t enough. He has basically stated his love of dip (or the addiction to it) is stronger than his love for you.
You’ve become serious because you ignored the warning signs up until now. Stop trying to force this relationship. You’re not compatible.
He doesn’t want to quit, and feels resentful of you because he feels you forced him to quit. I get both sides of this.
If you stay, this is ALWAYS going to be an issue. He’s going to swing back and forth, with trying to quit, then sneaking behind your back (which he’s probably doing now), then coming back to you saying he needs it.
It’s a dealbreaker for you emotionally and physically. Stop hanging onto something that’s dead.
Compatibility issue. He chose drugs over you. It’s only been 2 years just cut your losses. If you’re afraid of ppl in your life judging you for this, just remember they’re not the ones who would have to kiss him or see his tobacco spit
If it’s a deal breaker, you move on. Tell him no, thank you. I won’t feel like crap again because you want to do something that is unhealthy for us both, and I hope you have an amazing life with your addiction.
either it’s a deal breaker or it isn’t. if it’s a deal breaker then you end the relationship.
He’s choosing being a junkie over you. There’s no coming back from that.
He’s said it’s a dealbreaker, which means he’s choosing the dip over you, and you should not choose a man over your physical well-being if it’s making you sick. It’s going to be tough to break up, but one or both of you is going to end up resentful if you stay, I’m really sorry.
If my partner told me to my face that he’d rather stuff his lip with chopped tobacco leaves and spit into a cup/bottle/jar or on the ground, making me sick as a side affect, than be in a relationship with me I’d have to let that person go. Love is one thing but this isn’t that. This is over.
You’re not compatible and he’s resenting you for something he enjoys more than the relationship itself. You keep trying to make something work that isn’t working with your health. You are wasting more of your years holding on when you should have let go years ago. He was just stalling you. He’s not giving it up.