I 39F and my husband 41M have been together for 20 years. I’m looking for some outside perspective am I being too unreasonable. We rarely argue and manage our household and parenting duties well, I can be quite stubborn when something truly annoys me. I do most of the cooking and during weekdays it’s normally something quick after work, but on weekends it’s full family meals.
A few weeks ago, while I was in t he middle of cooking Sunday dinner, my husband called while he was out with the kids and asked if we were eating at home. I said yes and mentioned what (Beef roast) I was making. He responded that he was craving takeout but seemed to accept that dinner was being made. However, he came home with takeout for himself and the kids and they ate it while I was still cooking. I did get few bites but he quickly realised that I’m fuming. Though he apologized afterward, offered to eat the food later, and even asked me to pack some for work, I told him if he preferred takeout over my cooking, he could continue with that. Since then, I’ve only cooked for myself and the kids. He’s apologized multiple times, brought flowers, taken me out to dinner, and asked what he can do to make it right. He also has spoken to kids and explained that it was not nice of them to get takeout while I had already put a lot of work in to make food for them. But I’m still holding onto the frustration.
In our culture, food holds a lot of meaning, and to me, what he did felt like a real insult especially because of kids involvement. I understand this might seem petty or blown out of proportion, but I’m still quite mad about it. I put an actual effort in it and it was not appreciated. I work full time and have little enough time left for myself to waste on cooking that’s not valued. He now says I’m being unreasonable and wants to move on unless there’s something he can actively do to fix it. Am I being overly stubborn?
Just because it’s Reddit- I’m not divorcing my husband over takeout but I still feel that he needs to learn his lesson to appreciate things I do for him and I shouldn’t be taken for granted.
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Def worth a conversation. Stuff like this only needs to make sense to you and your family and it doesn’t. Try not to be spiteful but be clear so it doesn’t happen again.
While you have to move past it at some point i dont think your underreacting in the slightest i would have been so unhappy
How long have you been overreacting? I would think two or three days to get over it any longer wtf
You’re holding a grudge. He made a mistake he owned up to it including with the kids and still you’re not forgiving him. Yes you’re too stubborn
Do you often feel not appreciated in your marriage?
I ask because this does seem like an overreaction to the issue at hand. But I have a feeling this isn’t the first time you felt this way and it’s just been building up inside of you.
I think you guys need to get to the root of the problem. Whether that be having a deep conversation on your own, or with a therapist present.
If this is the first time you have felt this way then I would agree you are overreacting and being petty. Your initial reaction was 100% not overreacting though. But now he has apologized and acknowledged fully why what he did was wrong. He has explained it to your children. He can’t go back and change what happened. And you can’t punish him forever if you want your relationship to improve and stay healthy.
He has asked what he can do to make it right, and it sounds like you have not answered that question. Stop holding a grudge and find a way to move forward. This is petty and it sets a bad example for your kids. You are basically showing them that if you get mad at somebody, you do not have to forgive them and it is OK to keep punishing them, even if they show that they are sorry.
He’s apologized for his mistake and explained to the kids why it wasn’t cool. Why are you still holding on to this and punishing him. This isn’t healthy behavior in a marriage. You’re sabotaging your family and your own happiness. You need to model healthy conflict resolution for your kids.
What else do you need him to do to make it up to you? What’s the grand gesture you’re waiting for? It’s seems like a sincere apology is enough.
Holding a grudge is very unhealthy. It seems like a power/control move on your part. You should seek professional help on learning to navigate these types of issues without this toxic behavior.
You’re mad at him for more than this you need to sit with yourself and figure that out. If you’re unable to accept his apologies it’s because he hasn’t apologized for what you feel you need the apology for. You know you’re holding onto the frustration so what else could be bugging you?
He’s done everything he can to make things right. This is a you issue and it’s creating a toxic mood in your relationship. Get some help, or let it go. In fact, do both. He made a bad judgement call, you’re purposefully holding onto this and are making yourself bitter.
This shouldn’t be made into more than it is. Been married 45 years and learned quick to forgive and soon to forget. Can see why you would be upset but fail to see why in an otherwise good relationship there is trouble getting past it. There is something bigger at play here. Patterns matter. 1 offs do not. What is real issue?
It has to be more than this one incident. Has this happened in the past? Do you feel unappreciated in general?
Do you think you’re married to someone who at 40 year old does not comprehend the work you do to feed the family? Well no wonder you’re mad. This is much bigger than one night and so his apologizing for the take out isn’t touching the real issue. I wish you well in identifying the issue and communicating it so you two can hopefully move forward happily.
This is really all about one meal?
I find that seriously hard to believe—or, you need therapy.
If the work of cooking the meal is so overwhelming you cannot readily forgive after his sincere and thorough apology, maybe you have a serious health problem? Or a personality disorder?
This isn’t stubborn. This is implacable, cruel even.
Get over it. Your kids deserve a better role model.
And again, get therapy.
Are you correct in being upset? Absolutely. I would also be upset.
That said – some time has passed. He’s tried making amends. Give him some grace. Have a conversation with him explaining why you were upset, why you don’t appreciate or expect it to NOT happen in the future.
And unless this is a common occurrence, let go of the frustration. I find that when I hang on to frustration and annoyances, it just takes energy I don’t have for it. Give yourself that energy and mental load back to be used for better things.
You’re holding onto the anger for too long.
I also made Sunday dinner and tended to spend more time in the kitchen on weekends because weeknight meals always seemed rushed. I enjoyed doing it.
Your husband was very inconsiderate that night. Especially since dinner was being prepared as it Always was, on a Sunday.
Going forward tell him that if he wants to eat take out he can plan on picking it up for the family one night a week Monday-Friday.
Grudges are a healthy way of dealing with family issues.
In the grand scheme of life ..this isn’t worth continuing to be upset about. He has apologized in numerous, caring ways for being insensitive/taking your cooking for granted. What more could he do? I suggest you forgiveness for your children’s and your sake.
He made a huge error in judgement and you “taught him a lesson”. If the lesson was learned week 1, you’re now just punishing him and your kids. Make him promise to never be that disrespectful and selfish again and let you know far in advance if you don’t need to cook but once started, that’s what he eats regardless of what he’s craving.
A few WEEKS ago, he fucked up. He apologized. But you have been punishing him for weeks and don’t plan to get over it until he cooks that same meal himself so he knows how much effort goes into it.
Lady, you are over the fucking top.
Do you punish your kids like this? Disproportional punishment with indefinite or arbitrary end dates?
My stepson’s mom is that way. She grossly overreacts to small infractions—often over rules he didn’t know existed, chooses an over the top punishment (that often impacts our home), and then who knows when it will end. Sometimes she says it’s a grounding all summer and makes it two days, sometimes something else sets her off and the punishment can be weeks.
It’s a joke. It does nothing to teach the kid any lessons because we all just roll our eyes and know the crazy will pass eventually.
I love to cook and I’m like you—quicker homemade meals during the week, more intricate meals on the weekends. I too would be offended if I was already in the middle of making dinner and my partner ordered a pizza or got take out.
And I would tell him it hurt my feelings and why, and he would apologize, and I would finish up the dinner and we’d keep it as leftovers and eat it the next day. Then it would be over.
If you grossly overreact to everything, no one is going to take you seriously. There’s really no where up to go when you start at a 10. People get desensitized to that.
You’re being extremely petty. He did make a mistake, but has apologized sincerely. I would have been upset at what he did, too. But you’ve taken it too far since then. He doesn’t deserve a life sentence for his mistake. By now you should have moved on, he has paid the price and then some.
You shouldn’t be in the position of trying to punish your partner. Youre passive aggressive instead of communicating.
How many meals does he prepare for the family? Like the whole 9 yards: planning, buying, preparing and cooking AND leaving the kitchen behind clean?
Yes, time to drop it, I think he’s got the message.
Not overreacting. Not only did he not respect your time and work, but HE DIDN’T EVEN BRING FOOD HOME FOR YOU.
Tell him: 1) He can’t fix it. Some things can’t be fixed. 2) He doesn’t get to say when you get over it. You will get over it on your own time, and he will have to deal with your anger until then. Those are the consequences of making this particular bad choice. Does he accept responsibility? Then he must accept the consequences.
Then go back to doing what you were doing. But don’t hang onto the anger; don’t stoke it. When it’s over, let it be over.
So let me get this straight: You were cooking a full Sunday roast, he brought home takeout for himself and the kids only, ate it while you were still cooking, and he refuses to cook as the apology?
That’s not just a one-off thoughtless moment, that’s entitlement.You’re not being stubborn, you’re setting a boundary. You work full-time, cook for the family, and he can’t even handle dinner duty when asked? Then has the nerve to act like you’re the one dragging it out? He owes you more than flowers and apologies, he owes you changed behaviour. If he truly wants to make it right, he needs to step up, not just say sorry. That means sharing the work, respecting your time, and not taking you for granted in your own kitchen.
You’re not overreacting. You’re finally holding him accountable. Communication is the key to success here
It was rude and very unappreciative of him to do that.
What you need to ask yourself is what is missing that continues you justifying the « punishment «? You obviously are still hurt and there is unresolved resentment.
What is it that is not fulfilled that makes it so you still feel the need to exercise control and show him you are still hurt and even punish him? If you don’t know than how can he and how can he make amends?
I think it was understandable to be mad at the time and even a bit afterward but it’s probably time to let it go now. Based on what you wrote he genuinely sounds sorry and probably won’t do that again. He apologized with more effort than most men would do.
Yes overreacting he has apologised several times and she is still punishing him. For how long do you think he should suffer for a mistake? This is why marriages end because one partner cannot let go of a small injury until they drive their partner away. You have explained how hurt you were he has apologised now move on