I have been with my girlfriend for over a year. Things felt serious. We talk about moving in, we have met each other’s families, and I genuinely thought I knew her.
Last weekend at a barbecue, one of her old friends made a joke about her divorce. I thought it was a mistake, but later she admitted she had been married for two years in her early twenties. She said it ended peacefully and felt like it was part of her past that did not need to be shared.
But I feel blindsided. We have had real conversations about the future. How do you leave something like that out? She says she never meant to hide it, but I cannot help feeling like she did. I still care about her, but this has made me question what else I might not know. Is it possible to move past something like this?
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That was definitely not an accidental omission. I could understand not bringing it up on a first date, but after a year? That’s plainly, deliberately dishonest.
This is not the worst secret in the world, by far. I’m more concerned that she would keep something from you, than about what she kept from you.
For me, this raises all kinds of questions. Divorce isn’t uncommon, and it’s not some dirty secret. To hide this makes me suspect some wrongdoing on her part in the marriage, that she doesn’t want her partners to know about. Or, she’s still hung up on the guy, and doesn’t want to sow insecurity and resentment. There are other possible explanations, but I find these to be the most likely.
I don’t know that this is breakup-worthy, but I would at least take a solid step back. Dishonesty in a relationship is a pretty big deal. At the least, you should have an open conversation about this, and ask her why she felt like she needed to hide this. Unless you get a convincing answer, I would reevaluate things.
How old are you two?
I will never understand why so many people get bent out of shape over this topic. People don’t have to disclose every past relationship until they are ready. Sometimes choices we make when we are young really don’t feel like something that needs shared. Is she married now? If not get over it and move forward. Maybe it’s a situation she doesn’t think to talk about because it was a mistake, caused PTSD, or honestly just didn’t have the significance that someone thinks it should have.
Why is that a deal breaker? So she was married before and omg she didn’t tell you. Is that truly the end of the world?
It’s obviously intentional. That’s the real issue here. She needs to be transparent about why she didn’t share .
I mean, she would have to tell you if you ever married each other, so why would she leave it until that point? Odd behaviour IMO
It literally does not matter.
I have an idea: have a conversation about THIS. She can tell you why she didn’t tell you before and then you can see how you feel about it.
You might learn not only more about her past but also about the things she’s afraid of in this relationship – being judged for past failures or whatever – and it might bring you two closer. OR you might want to get the hell out of there. But if you talk to HER instead of the internet, you will get a lot more intel.
GOOD luck.
Does it matter that she was married before? No, it doesn’t. People get married and divorced all the time.
Does it matter that she intentionally left that information out for a whole year? Yes it does. Even though this marriage was a mistake and has no relevance to her life today, this is still information that is on a need to know basis between people in an established relationship.
If it were me in your shoes, I would feel deceived. I would question what else is being kept away from me and I would wonder whether in the future she’d keep things from me.
I would find myself doubting the entire foundation of the relationship.
I would be guessing that the reason she didnt want to tell you is the reason for the divorce and it probably wasnt her ex-husbands fault. Maybe he caught her working part time as a Hooker, or he found out about her OF account or she accidentally had a train run on her by a basketball team and forgot to mention it to her then husband. I wouldnt move past something like this. Dude your 28 ditch her.
Or better yet sleep with her sister and forget to mention it too her, because its not important. She will understand. Being married is not a small event as is getting a divorce. THis shows clear deceipt over a long time. If you dont have trust you dont have a relationship.
I’m on the fence on this one. She didn’t mention it because it hadn’t yet become important enough to mention. If you were having serious discussions about marriage, she should have mentioned it, but it sounds like those kinds of conversations were just getting going. Given that, I would say that around now would be the right time for her to tell you, and now you know, so she doesn’t have to. Blindsided is an extreme reaction to what is fundamentally a non-issue, even if it is a surprising one.
If you are concerned about what else you might now know, ask her. Starting to not trust her, as you implied, is unwarranted. My advice is to get over it. Your overreaction is a bigger deal than her not mentioning it previously.
I wonder what else hasn’t been important enough to mention.
Seeing her for over a year, she is 26 and has hidden something massive about her recent past.
That is a relationship ending offence, the red flag is huge.
She was probably cheating on her husband , that would explain why she hid it from you.
Makes you wonder what else she’s not telling you
The question here if she left it out to deceive you (with what?) or if she didn’t think it important.
So, her not telling you is intentional. But I’d suggest you hear her out.
Married for 2 years, early 20s, in and out, no kids, minimal shared assets.
I wouldn’t assume the worst about why she didn’t mention it. Maybe she’s ashamed at her youthful naïveté. Maybe it was military and a have-to case. Maybe she knows people make a big stink about divorce as a shame/boogieman and she’d prefer to give it the weight of any other early 20s two year relationship. Maybe there’s trauma there.
Did she tell you about the relationship with such-and-such ex but never mention it was legally binding?
Personally, I wouldn’t be able to get past someone hiding something like that from me.