Note- I 23/F and he M/27. We’ve been friends since college for about 6 years now. We’ve lived together as roommates for 3 of those years, and for the past 2 years we’ve been sexually involved on and off. It’s been complicated, sometimes toxic, but we recently started trying to fix things. We were communicating better, spending more time together, sleeping in the same bed most nights, and seriously considering growing into something more committed.
Then out of nowhere after a really good moment between us he told me something that shattered me.
He said he got another woman pregnant last year, while we were still sleeping together. They both decided to terminate the pregnancy, and he claims he’s been carrying guilt ever since. He said he wanted to be honest with me because we were getting closer, and he didn’t want to hide it if we were going to get serious or possibly have a future.
I was in shock. I cried, I panicked, I couldn’t sleep. The news hit me like a wave not just because of the pregnancy itself, but because of everything around it:
• He kept it from me all this time.
• We were both having unprotected sex during that period.
• I used to talk to him about kids, not knowing he was holding this guilt.
• He continued reckless sexual behavior after the abortion — with me and others.
• And now I’m left to process this, while still living under the same roof.
It’s hard to explain how deeply this affected me. I feel stupid, embarrassed, and deeply hurt. Not because I thought he was perfect I knew his past but because I really thought we were moving into something healthy. And I imagined that if I ever had a first child with someone, it would be special. I thought it could be with him.
But now I feel like that possibility has been ripped away, and the bond we were starting to rebuild has been broken again. I’m trying not to judge him I know people make mistakes but it’s the timing, the secrecy, and the emotional toll of being hit with this after already giving so much of myself to this man.
He’s been in his room for two days since telling me. Barely eating. I know he’s ashamed. I feel for him, but I also have to feel for myself. I’m tired. This isn’t the first heartbreak I’ve dealt with my last relationship nearly destroyed me, and I trusted this person because he knew what I went through. He promised me it wouldn’t be like that.
And yet here I am, again.
I just don’t know what to do now. I feel stuck. I want to move on but I also feel so emotionally attached. I feel like I’m grieving something that never even got the chance to fully start.
If anyone has been through something like this living with someone you’re emotionally tied to, getting hurt deeply, and needing to heal I’d really appreciate your advice.
How do I begin to process and move forward, especially while still living with him?
Comments
Plenty of reasons to break up. You did a great job listing then.
If you want to stay you can but this was many betrayals over an extended period of time.
First things first, make a plan and move out.
Second, I would cut all ties with this person and get myself into therapy.
Third, I would live my life grateful I dodged a bullet and didn’t end up pregnant and stuck with dude for life.
Except, in my scenario… I stayed. I got pregnant. He cheated on me. We split and it was absolutely all for the best but it set me back a lot of years and has cost me a lot in therapy, and has cost me a lot in other ways as well.
You’re grieving trust, not just love and that’s deep.
Set emotional boundaries while living together: protect your peace first.
This hurt wasn’t your fault healing starts by choosing you, not the future you hoped for.
You’re not wrong for feeling shattered this is a deep betrayal layered with emotional whiplash. It’s okay to grieve what could’ve been. Your pain is valid, and you don’t owe him emotional caretaking while you’re hurting. Prioritize your healing: consider creating space, emotionally and physically if possible. You deserve clarity, safety, and a love that doesn’t leave you questioning your worth.
You weren’t in a relationship. Did you agree to no sex with others & no unprotected sex with others? It seems that now you are in a relationship he is being honest with you. Time for you both to get std tested.
Oh sweet summer child, that man is 100% NOT “hiding himself away in shame”…. he’s waiting out your emotional storm so he doesn’t have to deal with it, limr the liar, sneak, and manipulator he truly is.
Pack a bag and get out of there. Don’t talk to him, you have too much YOU NEED to take care of for your own grownass self first: emergency STD screening to start, and then you need to gind a new place to live you can afford.
“Oh no, he’s so ASHAMED!! Anyone eould be! He told me so!! Because he really really cares about meeee”
No. He doesn’t if he’d been so very ashamed he wouldn’t have been able to keep it up, stick it in, and get othet people pregnant.
Just because he tell you the Right Thing To Day doesn’t make it true.
Don’t miss the positive here. He was making a sincere effort to clear the way for a real relationship to begin. The situation you described didn’t sound like a committed relationship so unsure what the rules were
You need to examine WHY you think this guy is the best you can do. What is it about your sense of self that makes you think you should pursue a relationship with him? People who settle for crappy partners need to examine that shit.
I don’t understand why you’re so upset. Because he didn’t share this with you at the time, even though it had nothing to do with you? Because he got someone else pregnant, not you?
You thought you were moving towards a healthier relationship. Surely opening up about part private experiences is a part of that? Your reaction shows that he should not have opened up and could never trust you with his pain 🙁
RUN AWAY and get tsted ASAP!