This is a long one, so thanks to everyone who takes the time to read all of this (TL;DR at the end)
I’ve always been against smoking in general (I think it’s one of the most hurtful things you can do to your own body). I had a smoking phase myself (tobacco) a long time ago, and I’ve also tried weed in the past, but I’ve never understood why people like it so much. The idea of myself doing drugs (even if it’s the most common one) really puts me off.
When we first started dating, she used to smoke a lot (multiple times a day) and I was aware of that, but I thought I would be able to tolerate it since we were such a good match in every other way. But now, a year and a half later, I don’t know if I should keep tolerating something that I really don’t like — especially after she told me she was done with weed and that she was “clean,” following a conversation we had about drugs around 6 months ago.
She has reduced her consumption a lot since we met. As I said, she used to smoke multiple times a day. Then she had a period where she stopped (at least, that’s what she told me). Then 6 months ago, she confessed that she had tried coke at a party (she used to do coke occasionally in the past as well). We had a big argument about it because I seriously considered breaking up (coke, in my opinion, is a much bigger step when it comes to drugs than weed)
She promised it would be the last time she’d ever try it and that she would quit weed too, as it was something she also wanted to leave behind. Fast forward 4 months — I found out she had gone to a weed event with her co-workers.
When she got home, we had our usual phone call, and she straight-up lied to me. She told me she had gone out for drinks with friends. As I started asking for more details about her false story, she just kept lying — until she began contradicting herself and finally told me the truth.
She started crying and told me how sorry she was, that it wasn’t worth it, that her throat was sore from smoking, and that she was ashamed of getting home to her family with red eyes and difficulty speaking. I believed her apology because she sounded genuinely ashamed and cried the entire time we talked.
Yesterday, I found out that after that weed event (and after all her resentment apologies) she actually didn’t stop smoking. She doesn’t do it every day, but she smokes 3–4 times a week after work when hanging out with her coworkers. She told me she doesn’t even like it, that she hates the smell, the feeling, everything and only does it because all of her coworkers smoke it.
That last part feels like another false promise and another apology that meant nothing, especially after she showed me a chat with one of her friends where she said:
“I’ll pay for the good shit, I wanna get fucked up with just 2 hits,” and “I wanna get sky high af.” Idk they way she expressed hurt my feelings towards her, I love and care about her so much and I though that phase of actually looking for drugs and being dazed was left behind
Again, everything she tells me about hating weed feels completely false, and I don’t know what to think anymore. In the moment, when she apologizes, she really looks ashamed and guilty, but the idea that she’s getting high almost every time she clocks out of work makes me feel like I’m dating a junkie, if I’m being honest. She also has a rough past when it comes to drugs.
Her past with drugs was a big issue (her family even considered adding her to a support group). She is easily influenced by her surroundings and friends, so if they try something, chances are she’ll try it too. That probably affects the way I see weed when it comes to her (maybe I’m afraid she’ll start doing other things again, like coke). I don’t know my image of her changes completely when I imagine her getting high, and I don’t know what to believe anymore after all the lies and apologies. Deep down, I fear she’ll never truly be free from drugs.
I care about her — I just want her to be healthy and have healthy friendships. Am I in the wrong here? Am I being too hard on her? Is my hatred for weed and drugs nonsense?
At the very least, I have my own beliefs and values when it comes to drugs, and I feel bad if I don’t do something about this. I know I can’t control what she does when I’m not around, but I still want to know: Should I keep going with a relationship that doesn’t align with my values? I don’t want to leave her I love her so much but this drug issue really makes me uncomfortable. Am I overreacting to something that, to be fair, is pretty common like weed?
What would you do if your partner did something that goes against your beliefs or values? And going a bit further — what would you do if your partner lied about it?
She always says that she doesn’t like weed and wants to quit, but I honestly don’t know anymore if she’s telling the truth or just saying what I want to hear.
It would really help me if some of you could guide me or share what you would do in my situation.
Thanks to everyone who actually read this entire thing.
TL;DR my 23F gf is smoking weed at my back after we discussed drugs topics in the near past, she lies about being clean and I don’t know what to do, Im I overreacting?
Comments
not reading the whole thing. don’t try to change people. just find the people you like as they are. geez.
You’re not overreacting.
Lying is not okay.
You are going to have to break up, because you’re not compatible, and because she’s the kind of person who would rather lie to you than admit that incompatibility.
>but I thought I would be able to tolerate it since we were such a good match in every other way.
Well, if you can’t tolerate it then you’re not compatible. And the lying would be a big issue to me too.
This is more than a weed problem. If she’s lying and telling you she wants the good stuff to get fucked up, well frankly, she is showing you that she is the kind of person you never wanted to date.
I will say that when you have a hard line on any drug use, people are more likely to lie to you about it, and there is a huge difference between regularly smoking a joint and doing a line of cocaine. She knows you don’t want to date someone who does drugs and she doesn’t care. If she promised to stop, you wouldn’t be able to trust her. There really anything to discuss here, she is fundamentally not compatible with you.
If you don’t want to date someone who does drugs, don’t date someone who does drugs. It sounds like you should have stuck to your principles in the first place and never started dating her, but it’s too late for that now!
You guilt tripping her for a behaviour you knew about before y’all started dating is only making both of you miserable, and you trying to change her instead of admitting you need to break up isn’t fair to either of you.
I’ve known couples where one half is staunchly anti-drugs and the other half is not, and keeps secretly using and hiding it. And it never works out. If you feel strongly about this, you need to date someone who also feels strongly. Right now you’re upset and gf is upset and there is no reason for it. It’s causing needless stress.
Just break up and let her live her life.
I stopped reading when you were totally fine with her going to get drinks with friends but not about smoking weed. If all drugs are a no for you than yall arent compatible, just break up because she is going to keep lying or hiding it and you will build up resentment. Some people are fine with weed and occasional coke, she is in that category and so are her friends- you are not. Stop trying to force her to agree with your opinion because you think you are “right” about it. Just go find someone that hates all drugs too, you should probably add alcohol on there too though since it is literallt worse than all the others.
You entered into a relationship with someone that clearly enjoys doing drugs and now you’re upset about them doing drugs. I imagine she’s lying because you keep reminding her how much you dislike the drugs… perhaps consider ending this relationship and finding a partner that does not do drugs…
Are you addicted to drama? Staying with this woman and trying to get her to give up weed is a recipe for constant drama. Please do yourself a favor and break it off. I think you need to find someone actually compatible if you really don’t want a relationship that involves constant deception and confrontation.
I just read the summary, but lying about it isn’t okay. She’s free to live her life, and you’re free to decide that’s not compatible with something you want, but lying about it to your partner is not okay.
Pretending to be compatible when you’re not never works out.