My (33 – F) BF (43 – M) have been together for 3 years. Lately things seem to have hit a brick wall with our issues and communication. He tells me he can’t talk to me because I don’t listen and that I don’t see his efforts and that’s our problem. I tell him I do listen and I deal with his feelings always before mine and that he doesn’t deal with mine and he’s dismissive whenever I share my feelings.

I’ll keep it recent. We don’t officially live together but spend a lot of time together at each other’s places. but lately he’s barely been over and vice versa due to work (he has a bad boss that throws them all over the place). So we’ve had only 3 sleepovers/seen each other in almost a month with texts and calls in the morning and at night otherwise.

Recent issue – 4th of July – he finally gets free time and proposed a day together once he finishes his short shift. I asked him what he wanted to do – he said nothing in mind. I say okay, we’ll figure it out. He’s a last minute planner where a lot of his ideas don’t happen because of the timing. SO I try to manage that and prepare back up plans just in case. So, I went out while he was handling work and bought food and a pool to grill and relax. He was 1.5 hours late from the time he told me he’d be home but I let it ho and let him know I prepped things to grill together and relax BUT I wanted to know what he wanted to do so not to bulldoze his possible plans. He wanted to have a park date with fireworks but given the time he got to me – we couldn’t pull fireworks and the park off. He said he didn’t want to stay in and so he wanted to watch fireworks and go to a restaurant instead to eat.

I was a little annoyed that he didn’t seem to care about my effort and preferred to do a local restaurant and try to find fireworks. t I kept it to myself until I could calm down in my head. I chose not to speak up because I already mentioned the food and stuff and me “pushing” it would cause an argument.

At dinner, he asks me what time are fireworks. I was so annoyed bc he always claims to have plans then I have to pick up the weight. So, I told him this was his idea and asked him to pull out his phone to find out. He got defensive and said that this night was not his idea, but his suggestion. Same thing to me *shoulder shrug*, but he told me I put words in his mouth and immediately went into defense “my fault, next time I won’t suggest anything. I should have known better from you being quiet in the car that this was going to be bad night”. He started arguing with with me in the restaurant and I asked him if he needed to take a walk and calm down because this is too much. He got more annoyed and walked out after randomly asking for the check.

In the car I say how unnecessary his reaction was and he got mad “my fault, it’s all my fault. I won’t do this again” laughing and shaking his head and talking under his breathe “should have known better man, can never have a good night out”. We argued more until I gave up. I asked on the ride home what he wanted to do now “nothing, whatever you want”. I told him I wanted him to decide but fine, I’ll decide BUT I didn’t want to deal with his mood, especially when he’s the one who said he wasn’t mad and blamed me for having an attitude vs him. We debated a little over that then silent. I tried to call a truce. I tried taking his hand – he snatched it and said he didn’t want to be touched. Tried to apologize that I was in a mood and should have just told him and that I want things to be good and he said “yeah, that was my hope too but it’s all good, another night” and shut down on me.

Got home and he tried to leave saying he needed space. I lost it because we haven’t spent time and this was his plan yet again and he’s putting it back on me. I also called out how he missed 2 lunch dates with me that he also suggested and planned but didn’t follow through with (2 weeks prior) -left me waiting because he was busy with work. I tried to express how this is repeated behavior and he always dismisses me then accuses me of being the one of trying to fight. It reached a point where I said we can be done if he’s so overwhelmed with life and if he never thinks he can talk and always believe I don’t let things go. Because who wants to be with someone you can’t open up to after all this time? He told me he didn’t want to, he just wants to move forward – how do I continue every time moving forward when nothing is ever addressed. 9 out of 10 arguments are different situations but with the SAME problem.

This post is already long, so I will spare further summary unless asked. But this is the issue I have. He acts careless and self focused and then acts flabbergasted that I am hurt by something he didn’t do. Any time I raise a concern it pivots to how much he has to deal with and how I can’t let it go and acts like I’m just blaming him for everything – I just want to be heard and know he cares! Whenever I express how I am feeling, he tells me it’s my opinion and he’s sorry I feel however I feel and he’s trying and the problem is that I don’t see it. He also has a habit of saying he’s NOT bothered and doesn’t like to argue, but then will ignore me when I talk and he goes “la-la-la-la” LITERALLY and then if I go silent, he asks what’s wrong and blames me for having an attitude or if I say how I feel, he tells me I can’t let it go and that I am blaming him. I can’t win. He used to flat out walk out on me and leave me whenever he gets mad, but now he’ll control himself not to, still this whole lack of accountability from him drives me nuts on top of him blaming me.

He is extremely hot headed and will tell you the same, and I try my best to diffuse him because he goes RED. And so every argument I either have to concede or fight and take that he’ll be anti-social for a day or two. It’s unfair but he makes me think maybe I really am unreasonable and naggy. I will admit I do tend to yell and curse, but I don’t do so until he starts making slick comments, laughs, or over talks me aka when I feel disrespected. And when I say I’ll concede or apologize or tell him I don’t want to talk if all he’ll keep saying is how it’s all my fault, he tells me he never acts like that or says things.

Am I missing something??? Or am I wrong? What other approach can I take? Or do I let him go?

tl;dr! IDK what to do about the ongoing communication issues in my relationship and now I feel crazy. Need some sincere honest advice.