So I (30f) have been dating my boyfriend (28m) for three years now. He has two daughters from a previous relationship from his country but currently only his older daughter (I’ll call her Isabelle) is here. When I found out he had kids, it didn’t bother me. It bothered my family that I would date a man with children but I said I can’t change that he already has children. I’ve treated Isabelle like my own child the entire time we have been dating.
Fast forward to the other night, it was pushing 12am and I told Isabelle she should be in bed because she has school in the morning. I also told her it’s not good that she be on the tablet all the time, as it will hurt your eyes. I also told her to turn off all electronics and read a book to wind down. She is 8.
She said “you’re not my mom”.
She even said “I want to go back to our country and be with my real mom, not someone playing mommy”
I’ve done more for her than her mom has done for her in the three years I’ve known her. I broke down crying at the table after she said that and my boyfriend yelled at her to go to her room after she apologized to me for making me cry. Her apology was empty. I could tell by her voice and the way she said it.
I cried to my boyfriend that everything I’ve done was a joke to her. I helped get her into a nice school with multilingual language studies (she speaks primarily Spanish and learns English but I want her to keep what she already knows for Spanish so it’s a multilingual school), I fix her hair for her, I read with her, help her with homework, even taught her how to ride a bike. All things her own biological mom didn’t do since she abandoned her on her boyfriend’s doorstep when Isabelle was born.
I feel like Isabelle might be resenting me or thinks I’m keeping her dad away from her because we live far and we both work a lot. I’m not sure. But I told my boyfriend that that night was the last straw and I will not be helping his daughter with anything anymore. I’m not her mom, anyway. Even though I’ve been filling in for her real mom.
Did I go too far? My boyfriend says that she’s just a little girl so she doesn’t know what she’s saying. I think she’s old enough to understand that her dad has a new girlfriend who has been helping her a lot at least. I’ve always loved Isabelle like my own child but after that night I feel like if she wants to go back to her real mom, who abandoned her, then go ahead.
Am I an ass hole?? I really feel like I’m being one because in my heart I love my boyfriend and I love his daughters. But what Isabelle said really hurt me.
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So I (30f) have been dating my boyfriend (28m) for three years now. He has two daughters from a previous relationship from his country but currently only his older daughter (I’ll call her Isabelle) is here. When I found out he had kids, it didn’t bother me. It bothered my family that I would date a man with children but I said I can’t change that he already has children. I’ve treated Isabelle like my own child the entire time we have been dating.
Fast forward to the other night, it was pushing 12am and I told Isabelle she should be in bed because she has school in the morning. I also told her it’s not good that she be on the tablet all the time, as it will hurt your eyes. I also told her to turn off all electronics and read a book to wind down. She is 8.
She said “you’re not my mom”.
She even said “I want to go back to our country and be with my real mom, not someone playing mommy”
I’ve done more for her than her mom has done for her in the three years I’ve known her. I broke down crying at the table after she said that and my boyfriend yelled at her to go to her room after she apologized to me for making me cry. Her apology was empty. I could tell by her voice and the way she said it.
I cried to my boyfriend that everything I’ve done was a joke to her. I helped get her into a nice school with multilingual language studies (she speaks primarily Spanish and learns English but I want her to keep what she already knows for Spanish so it’s a multilingual school), I fix her hair for her, I read with her, help her with homework, even taught her how to ride a bike. All things her own biological mom didn’t do since she abandoned her on her boyfriend’s doorstep when Isabelle was born.
I feel like Isabelle might be resenting me or thinks I’m keeping her dad away from her because we live far and we both work a lot. I’m not sure. But I told my boyfriend that that night was the last straw and I will not be helping his daughter with anything anymore. I’m not her mom, anyway. Even though I’ve been filling in for her real mom.
Did I go too far? My boyfriend says that she’s just a little girl so she doesn’t know what she’s saying. I think she’s old enough to understand that her dad has a new girlfriend who has been helping her a lot at least. I’ve always loved Isabelle like my own child but after that night I feel like if she wants to go back to her real mom, who abandoned her, then go ahead.
Am I an ass hole?? I really feel like I’m being one because in my heart I love my boyfriend and I love his daughters. But what Isabelle said really hurt me.
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> I’m not helping to support a child that isn’t biologically mine
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. But what’s the end game here?
That smells fake. How would Isabelle know to want to go back to her country to be with her real mom if her real mom abandoned her when she was newborn?
YTA. She’s eight. She doesn’t understand complex relationship dynamics. She does know that a) she wanted to keep using her tablet and b) she misses her mom, and she expressed a pretty logical link between those two feelings. She doesn’t understand the full implications of what she is saying and why it is hurtful. Of course her apology was empty. She’s eight.
If you want to become a step parent you have to be prepared for complicated emotions from the children involved. You should probably learn a little more about how kids communicate and process their own emotions, because you can’t expect them to do it the same way adults do.
She’s only 8. That doesn’t mean that she can’t hurt you, but she is so young and is dealing with so much at an age where she doesn’t have the tools to really deal with them.
Also, why isn’t your boyfriend doing more to parent her?
NAH
NTA but this is a conversation he needs to have with his daughter.
Sounds like you are giving up on her. You know this happens with foster/adopted kids. They say the same things as well as kids with a step mom. The kids will say things that might hurt your feelings and that you’re not their real parent.
Nta but you are doing too much. I would leave the majority of the parenting to her father. It will work out better for all that way
“I fix her hair for her, I read with her, help her with homework, even taught her how to ride a bike.” I would stop doing this sort of thing and allow her father to. I would take on the roll of kind of a “fun aunt” with her and let dad do any homework, parenting, disciplining etc.
I’m going to go with NAH but YTA if you stop assisting a child you live with because she has complicated emotions about her biological mother not being present in her life. Your boyfriend is right, she’s a child. If you actually love her and it’s not just performative, you won’t continue to hold this against her.
>it was pushing 12am and I told Isabelle she should be in bed because she has school in the morning…I broke down crying at the table after she said that and my boyfriend yelled at her to go to her room after she apologized
It’s midnight on a school night and you and your boyfriend are both sitting there with an 8yo kid doomscrolling the internet?
ESH, Everyone Sucks Here.
YTA. She is freaking 8 for crying out loud. The human brain isn’t fully developed until 26. Do you seriously think she would be able to comprehend the nuances of this situation?
You have every right to be hurt but biological children pull this type of shit with their own parents all the time. While your familial makeup doesn’t follow the “traditional” norm, your situation is not special.
YTA. The child is EIGHT YEARS OLD. Your boyfriend is right.
Also, what you are doing is not helping, but parenting. Parenting is not something children should be grateful for. It is a child’s absolute right to be loved and to be cared for – not something where they owe anything at all to the people who parent them.
If you are not ready to support Isabelle’s growth to adulthood and full emotional maturity, you should end this right now.
I understand you’re hurt, and you’re entitled to your feelings. You’re not an A-H for feeling hurt.
>I cried to my boyfriend that everything I’ve done was a joke to her.
Kids rarely see all you do for them. They just see what they want, when they want it, and they’re often at their worst when they don’t get it. Throw in that is only 8, she was up at an ungodly hour, and she just lashed out rudely.
The bigger deal you make of this, the more you empower her to use it again when she wants to push back against you.
Welcome to stepparenting. That shit comes with the territory.
Saying you quit this child after 3 years over one hurtful remark she makes would mean YTA. Her egg donor already did that to her. Please don’t do the same.
NTA but having step kids is really hard and you’re not even married, so you are doing a lot for a relationship that could come to an end. You get attached or put in hard work with someone else’s child and then they could both just leave you. The little girl is likely sad about not having a relationship with her bio mom and may have seen kids on tv shows saying “you’re not my real mom” or w.e. Its a tough situation. I didnt know what I was getting into when I became a step mom. I also didnt know how different I would feel when I had my own bio kids.
Like Reasonable-Ad-3605 said, what is the end game here? Get married, have more kids?
Its unclear where your relationship is heading and sometimes men use women to help raise their kids but dont end up marrying them
YTA and you may not be cut out to have kids. Even if you have your “own” there’s no way to guarantee they won’t say hurtful things to get under your skin.
It’s normal and developmentally appropriate for an 8 year old to have big feelings about not being with her mom, maybe not feeling wanted. It’s normal and developmentally appropriate to lash out at the adult who is around and most reliable (it feels safer because she trusts you to forgive her). It’s normal and appropriate for her to be overtired (midnight is too late for this conversation to be happening with an 8 yr old). It’s not fun, but it’s probably not the worst thing a kid is going to say if you stick around.
YTA.
She’s a child, she is going to say all sorts of terrible things to you, and if you actually “treated her like your own child” since you met her, you wouldn’t cut her off because she hurt your feelings one time. Actual parents who love their children don’t do that.
Kids are mean sometimes, and if you can’t handle it at 8, you aren’t going to make it through the teenage years. It doesn’t mean that kids are allowed to be rude, angry, or hurtful all the time, but kids will act out, test boundaries, and have really bad moments. If you actually love a child, you process and you be the adult who forgives and moves on (with lessons learned).
This girl is separated from her mother and misses her. She didn’t ask to be in a world where her parents aren’t together and she can’t even see them both on a regular basis. It will upset her sometimes, and kids have complicated emotions anyway, and then add this kind of thing to it and there are going to be bad moment. You had an opportunity to actually parent instead of playing with her like a doll, and you failed entirely. It’s great you do her hair, play with her, read to her, help with homework, but that’s not the hard stuff. THIS is the hard stuff, when your child rips out your guts and you shove them back in and love them anyway.
You haven’t “always love this child as your own” if this is how you behave, and it is better for your boyfriend to get his daughter away from you, not just back to her real mom but the both of them away from you entirely.
ESH….I say this with kindness, the child is 8. If you break down crying in front of her at 8, you are never going to be able to deal with the teenage years!
Once those words left her mouth, her father should have stepped in right away and shut that back talk down right away.
Why was this child even up at night? Why does she even have her electronics? Why are you telling her she should be in bed? Nope. You tell her she gets her little butt to bed. You take her electronics. They do not go in her room.
If you wish to remain with her father, both of you need to be on the same page and show a united front. Where is dad in all of this? Why does kid not have a set bed time?
Also, no 8 year old came up with those words on her own. “Not someone playing mommy” sounds like something that was said to her. Does she communicate with her bio mom? If this came from her, dad needs to have a chat with her and tell her this will not be tolerated or she just might not be in contact as often.
Fam….she’s 8.
8 years old. Gentle YTA because you expect an 8 year old child to be rational and not incredibly reactive and immature. I could understand if she was a teen.
But she is 8.
YTA. If you loved her as your own, your love wouldn’t be conditional on her appreciation of that love and the respect you feel she owes you because you voluntarily took a maternal role in her life.
8 year olds test boundaries and try out using their words to hurt. You need to be an adult. You need to have thicker skin because she won’t stop testing boundaries and feeling around for weakness in your love because she already experienced one mother abandoning her. You will need to prove time and again that you are a permanent fixture and that you won’t abandon her. But it sounds like you wish to do that. So make a fast exit or fix your attitude. You either need to love this girl through her best and worst times without conditioning it on any reaction or behavior from her or you need to get lost.
YTA. She is separated from her mom and sibling. I imagine she said that because she herself is hurting. Your the adult, set the boundary. I can see your mad at me and that you don’t want to listen. However, the rules of this house are we speak respectfully to one another and if I or your dad tell you do something you do it. If you can’t follow these rules then you won’t have tablet time tomorrow.
NTA, I guess. You technically don’t owe it to her to be her mom.
But your reaction is really why Isabelle was right that you’re not her mom, and that she can’t trust you like a mom. Kids say cruel things to their parents all the time when given orders/punishment they don’t agree with. God knows I’ve been nasty to my mom as a little kid. Parents don’t have the luxury of disengaging, and parents will continue to love their child and be there for them regardless, even if they do provide consequences for ugly behavior.
If you do this, you’re proving that you’re not really a parent. You don’t have unconditional love for her. When you’re hurt, you’re going to prioritize yourself over your SK.
And again, that’s fine. You don’t have to be Isabelle’s parent. It doesn’t make you a bad person. But you can’t resent her for not loving you unconditionally, when you clearly don’t love her that way. It’s probably safest for her to detach from you as well. I hope her dad takes over parenting and encourages some emotional distance from you.
She’s 8, 8 years old. You’re supposed to be the adult here. Biologically and adopted kids also say mean things when they’re tired or don’t get their way. Would you walk away in that situation too? If the child was an older teenager I’d be more sympathetic but 8! YTA this relationship with a child involved is not for you
yta. you should be a lot more concerned with figuring out who is telling her these things.
NTA. The only path forward that I could see here is if your boyfriend steps up and parents his child as if he was a single father. That means you will need to stop bending over backwards for Isabelle. As harsh as this is, you may need to ease off of the whole “being a mother figure” to Isabelle until she feels ready to accept you as part of her father’s family.
I can’t guarantee when it will happen, or even if it will happen, but Isabelle will need to accept your presence on her own terms. Just focus on your own well being for now.
ESH. Little kids can be mean, especially a little kid who’s dealing with her mom abandoning her. I don’t think it means as much as you think it does but I do think you should consider if your willing to take on the emotional burden. Your doing a lot for this child as only a girlfriend. Your not married, your not her step mom. Your really invested into a kid that you have no legal ties to and is wager this is why your family was concerned. You say you’ve been playing parent for her the entire relationship and frankly; why would a man introduce a gf that fast to his child who’s clearly dealing with a lot of abandonment issues, is in a new country and is separated from her sibling. It sounds like he wanted someone to help raise her more than he wanted a relationship with you for you. I’d side eye the morality of a man who left the country his kids were in and is immediately dating someone else, over prioritizing the emotional needs of the child he’s with.
Honestly, yeah you’re kinda TA. You are a fully grown adult who understands complex relationship dynamics, and she is… 8 years old. Overall, you’re not an asshole at all. You’re trying to be a kind, loving, helpful mother-figure to her, but you need to leave the actual parenting to her father. She’s right, you are not her mother, and you never will be, regardless of how hard you try.
You need to build trust with her to get to a point of actual mothering (i.e. telling her to not use her iPad, to get ready for bed, etc.). You build the trust by doing the nice things you’ve been doing (getting her into school, fixing her hair, reading to her, helping with her homework), but you absolutely cannot rush the harder parenting stuff. That needs to fall squarely on your boyfriend and he needs to understand that you cannot enforce rules yet (and maybe you never will).
The main reason I say you are the asshole here is because you are reacting to a perfectly normal step-child reaction by acting like a child yourself. Of course an 8 year old is going to rebel against an authority figure who is not her real mother, and of course she’s going to say things that are out of line. You need to place yourself in the proper role of stepmother, and you can’t be upset when YOU overstep a bit and she reacts like, well, 8 year olds react.
I repeat, you are not an asshole overall. Sounds like you’re a very caring stepmother, and that’s great. But this is not you interacting with another adult. You need to understand the dynamic and act appropriately (and frankly, if your boyfriend is not enforcing bedtime rules, he is firmly T A for making you do it).
YTA. She’s 8. Of course she resents you, person who gives her rules. Don’t judge her apology as “empty” she’s 8.
> I’ve treated Isabelle like my own child the entire time we have been dating.
In hindsight this was not the right move fyi.
ESH OP – being a step parent can be brutal. Also, being a stepkid You can give your all and be unappreciated and resented even when you’re dojng nothing wrong. Kids also play their parents against each other – so they’ll do it with step parents as well. They also test boundaries so they’re happy to take all the hard work that makes their life easier/happier but quick to say you’re not their parent if you need to set standards/a boundary.
Only you can know if this effort and potentially thankless place is worth it to you. However, I do believe she 100% knows what she’s saying and that it’s ok for you to say to your BF that he has to step up for his daughter.
If she will only recognise him as her parent, he needs to fulfill all the functions. You can help but you’re not the primary. It’s also up to you when and how you choose to help.
However, these boundaries with BF need to be set in private (without her being present) . Also, if you want to be with him, you can’t avoid her or tasks in respect of her. So some type of compromise/balance is needed between you two.
Your wellness is important too….
I would say NAH.
Stop doing the mothering things. At some point she’ll wonder why you stopped and you three can have an honest conversation about it. The three of you as a group can discuss what is “allowed” and “not allowed”for you to do for her.
Or she won’t care that you stopped and will be satisfied with just her father parenting her. There’s nothing wrong with that either. Be there for her when she needs someone but only do what you feel comfortable doing.
YTA and not mature enough to be a step mom. It’s a responsibility with guaranteed rewards, of you can’t handle it, walk away
Why the heck hadn’t her father told her to go to bed at a reasonable hour and taken the electronics away from her ? He could be parenting his own child.
So here’s the thing, she did exactly what all children eventually do to their parents, she lashed out at you when you set boundaries. Unfortunately, for you it really hurt, but I can assure you that even biological children will find your weakness and use it against you when they are mad. Your “weakness” (which isn’t actually a weakness) happens to be that you love her, and she knew that what she said would hurt you. It’s hard being a step parent because you constantly wonder if you’re overstepping and then to have a child accuse you of doing exactly that, is brutal.
If I were you, I would speak to your boyfriend and set expectations with him on how he and you will parent her and your exact roll. It does seem that you are acting in her best interest, because she is eight and being up at midnight on a tablet is definitely not good for her and you are acting as a parent with love and care for her. It really does suck when you are showing that love and care towards a child and they just get angry at you, but I promise you that it happens when the child is biologically yours too. So don’t turn away from her because what she said hurts, she needs a loving role model who has her best interests at heart and one day she’ll realize that’s what you are.
Yta. Because you’d get so upset about what an 8 year old says when they’re mad they have to do something they don’t want to. And if you’ve been acting like a mom for three years, you’d know that and have tougher skin by now.
She also wouldn’t be asking for her real mom if she was abandoned, unless YOU have been saying things about her real mom not doing things for her so you could take credit.
Otherwise this is fake AF because the story doesn’t line up right. YTA for that too
It’s not unusual for kids to say mean things in the moment. My own daughter used to write me hate letters when she was mad at me at that age. They made me laugh I knew she didn’t hate me. She’s now 30 and we both laugh about it. We have a great relationship because I knew not to take it personally. And taught her better ways to express her feelings.
She’s 8 years old. Kids say things like that when they’re mad all the time. She really doesn’t understand the implications it has on yourr feelings. You can’t take things like that to heart. They tell you they hate you or other rhings like she did when they’re mad. That’s what kids do. You can’t take it personally.
Now, I must address something else. You must get her in a routine. Children that age need a lot of sleep. She should definitely be in bed by 9pm latest on school nights. And 10pm on weekends. So she’s not over tired at school or if you have plans on weekends. You should also limit screen time to like 2 hours a day total. And she ahould stop all electronics at least an hour before bed. Have a bed time routine with bath, pjs, story time and then bed. I did a lot of research on this. The doctor recommended stopping screens like that because he said it affects sleep quality. Just suggestion.
I don’t think anyone is an AH in this situation but you can’t take a child saying those things so personal.
Good luck
UPDATE : thank you so much for all this advice. I’ve decided not to give up on Isabelle and to talk with my boyfriend more about being an actual parent. I understand what I’m doing is step parenting and I should have waited for her to accept me as a step parent instead of expect it to come naturally. I understand I was in my emotions when I got told him I’m giving up on her. But reading all these comments helped me change my mind and I will certainly never give up on Isabelle, even if she hates me and wants to go back to her home country.
INFO
> it was pushing 12am and I told Isabelle she should be in bed
How is this conversation happening now and not like 3-4 hours ago??
YTA. She’s eight years old and does not have the rational thinking skills that an adult does.
You’re not her mom and it’s clearly something that’s weighing on her. She probably feels hurt that her own mother didn’t want her, and lashed out on you. But she’s only eight.
Isabelle likely needs some counseling.
ESH
Kids sometimes say things that will hurt their parents the most because they truly don’t get it. In her mind, this is the worst thing ever that she’s being given boundaries. Hell I called my mom fat when I was around that age because she told me to clean my room. Being fat has nothing to do with cleaning a room, but I’m assuming I just couldn’t handle the emotions of frustration/anger/shame/ect.
Obviously kid shouldn’t have said it, but also goodness why is an 8 year old up at midnight? Parents have a little more leeway than kids, but if you’re setting boundaries damn you shouldn’t be up at midnight doom scrolling either.
NTA. You just learnt that being a stepparent is a thankless job. Youa re perfectly right in saying that you won’t do anything for the girl. As she gros older, most of these kids go LC or NC with their stepparents. YTA’s here are here because everyone hates stepparents on reddit, stepparents are always wrong and stepparents owe to their stepkids, etc, all kinds of entitlements. Save yourself the heartbreak and stop giving so much of yourself to thankless stepkids.
YTA.
It is very badly written. It doesn’t make sense.
WTF were you doing at a table at midnight? While an 8 year old child is on her tablet?
You should try with a child a bit older, reasonnable bedtime hours and less “bio mom is a monster that I’ve never met because she lives in another country and I’m awesome because I do child’s hair”.
YTA.
You can be the birth mother and shower your child with love and support every moment of the day, and there will still be a time when your child lashes out to criticise your parenting ability. Children will get to a point where they will test boundaries. They need to see what they can get away with and what will bring the world crashing down.
Don’t withdraw from this little girl’s life. Tell her that you may not be her mother, but it doesn’t stop you from loving her. You will remind her to go to bed and stop using her tablet because everyone needs sleep. You want to keep her happy and healthy just like a mother would.
I mean… she’s a small child, how can you expect her to appreciate everything you do for her? You’re not supposed to be doing it for the kudos, you do it because you’re the adult in her life and that’s the nature of the relationship. You’re projecting adult motivations onto an eight year old, that’s frankly kind of gross. You’re upset because she wants to be with her mom instead of you? It’s irrational to expect anything else. Crying over what she said? I feel for your sadness, but let’s be real, you gotta grow a thicker skin. Refusing to help this child is honestly a pretty pathetic and unadmirable way to act. You are the asshole here, by a mile. Sorry.
You’re the adult. If you can’t handle a little “You’re not my real mom!” from an 8 year old, you should end this relationship because the only way you have a prayer of getting past that is by showing up for her.
Parents have to forgive and forget a lot of the things kids say. Biological parents hear “I hate you!” and “I wish I’d never been born” a lot. Only the bad ones leave because of it.
So if you can’t handle this? Move on, because the moment you start rejecting this child, you’ll lose any chance at a close relationship.
She’s 8. Lashing out at authority and petulance is part of the program. You taking it personally and deciding to hold a grudge is immature and petty.
Your main opp is an 8 year old? Grow up. YTA
Whoa first off let’s stop thinking about ourself. This is an 8 year old child who came to live with you from another country, which is a huge change for a child especially leaving a sibling and mom behind. Now she’s being told what to do by some lady she doesn’t really have a close relationship. She’s undergoing massive changes from friends, to school, to feeling of not belonging…and here you come after she acts just a 8 does in this situation and you’re crying but I do more than her mom. You’re not her mom and that’s the point and don’t ever let her hear you go through your list of thi as you do. Grow up
YTA. She is 8 and misses her mom!
Yta. Not your child so he should be putting her to bed.
YTA. Kids say mean shit. My kid when he was 16 said he didn’t love me and I didn’t deserve to be called his “mom”. I’m quite literally the only mom he has ever known.
Guess what I did? I kept helping him. Cuz that’s what a mom does. 🤷🏻♀️
This is why you don’t date men with children. Children don’t understand and they can’t rationalize the entire situation. She won’t improve. This is what you chose. I personally wouldn’t do anything for her until her attitude changes but it won’t.
YTA
the right response would have been something like I know I’m not your mommy. I know you miss her, but I care about you very much. Even if I’m not your mommy I’m not trying to replace your mommy. But I do love and care about you even if there are things you don’t want to do. Such as playing too long on your iPad that your eyes will get hurt.
Kids don’t understand at the adult level. I’m guessing she misses her real mom more than you can imagine and she doesn’t want anyone to just be able to replace them just because you can do motherly things , doesn’t mean you can take her real mothers place.
Unfortunately kids are assholes to the people they feel the most comfortable with. In reality this is kinda a good thing. Her bad attitude is a sign that she feels safe and secure with you and believes that she can act like a turd and not loose your love.
However you can’t let her speak to you like that without consequences or she’ll only get worse. I think a solid day of you treating her like your roommate and not your child will probably teacher her a lesson. If she’s very stubborn you might need to go a day or two longer. No matter what you need to have a conversation with her about her attitude, showing respect, and being kind to those who help you is definitely in order.
No, NTA. But going forward, “not do anything” might be a little extreme. And children don’t know much about effort expended on them or “gratitude.” The answer to “you’re not my real mom” is “you’re right.” But tell her everybody has to listen to someone, even as an adult. She has to listen to what her teachers tell her to do, or a principal, or other adults charged with looking out for her well being, and you are one of those people. But adults need to listen to their bosses, police and firemen, judges, the IRS, and so on, and it’s not “unfair” to have to do what they say (well, for the most part). That’s just how it is. Tell her that you care about what happens to her and that it works both ways: you’re not her mom, but she’s not your “real daughter” either. But that doesn’t change the fact that you could have a very happy relationship with each other. Eventually she’ll get over her snit and you’ll get over yours. I think she’s just objecting to being told what to do, as all kids do, and used the most convenient excuse she could come up with to express her momentary unhappiness. Don’t make a forever deal out of something that will mend on its own pretty quickly.
YTA.
children can’t be ass holes dude, they are kids. The job description of the parental role is to listen to what your kid can share about their experience and HELP THEM figure out how to process that and be a person that they like. not internalize their words, take it personally, and have a break down.
You are being an emotionally immature adult to this kid, not a parent.
Every child doesn’t understand the things adults do for them, that’s why adults do things FOR KIDS. because they need help and support. my goodness.
Kids are assholes, and they’ll trot out any convenient excuse to show you they are, as your partner’s daughter has done.
It gets worse in the teen years. Worse, as in I wished I’d never had kids at all during their teen years. (They’re in their 40’s now and it was all worth it, but those were dark times).
The answer here is to stop romanticizing your little blended family.
Set boundaries. Let both her and your partner know what they are. No moving the goalposts.
If she doesn’t want to mind your boundaries you don’t retaliate by crying and manipulating her and/or your bf and acting weak, which will just give her more power over you, you say ok and you stop acting like a parent. You stop the reading, you stop the hair, all of it. It all now goes to her father to do.
NTA but maybe this relationship is not what you need.
I think you should leave her for a day. She will understand what you do for her. But if she’s still stubborn, NTA.
Boo hiss extremely fake go home stop posting here
YTA – u know shes 8?