I (F, 30s) had an emotionally intense connection with a guy (M, mid-20s). I’m a single mom with two kids, 7 years older than him. He knew this from the beginning and never seemed to have an issue. We spent nearly all our free time together and had deep emotional and physical closeness.
He used to say things like “I love you,” “You make me so happy I could climb the walls,” and “I’m the luckiest guy in the world.” Later on, though, he admitted he wasn’t really attracted to me, because I’m older and have kids. He also said that everyone who likes him is either “weird or desperate.” So while telling me I was amazing, he was silently judging me.
Every time I tried to end things, he begged me to stay. Eventually, I blocked him to protect myself.
When we reconnected weeks later, I found out he had slept with a girl who had been in love with him for a long time. He said he didn’t like her, that the sex was bad, and that he did it only because his self-esteem was low. He also trashed her — said she was sick, angry all the time, and that he panicked at the thought of a pregnancy and realized he didn’t want her at all.
He started calling himself “a loser” and “scum of the earth.” I could tell he wanted me to comfort him and tell him it wasn’t that bad. But instead, I said, “Then stop acting like that. It’s not a curse. You can change. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s simple.”
Then I added, “You feel bad because your behavior bothers even you. That says a lot. It can change.”
I said it calmly and with honesty, but he got upset. Said I wasn’t listening, that I didn’t care, that I felt distant. Then he ghosted me completely.
So now I wonder:
AITA for not comforting him when he felt guilty and needed support?
EDIT / UPDATE:
Just to clarify:
The moment I found out how he saw me (as “weird,” “desperate,” and “not really attractive” because I’m older and have kids), I was furious. I was in shock and needed time to process it. I didn’t try to reconnect emotionally after that. The only reason we spoke again was because I wanted to know how soon after I blocked him he slept with that girl. It felt important to me because I predicted that would happen.
I didn’t expect his reaction to be a tantrum followed by silence. And didn’t expect he would say such horrible things about her. He always played the role of this pure, innocent, wholesome guy. I just realized he is a text book nice guy. I was honestly in disbelief. I thought my brain is glitching or something, and misunderstood him or did something wrong.
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I (F, 30s) had an emotionally intense connection with a guy (M, mid-20s). I’m a single mom with two kids, 7 years older than him. He knew this from the beginning and never seemed to have an issue. We spent nearly all our free time together and had deep emotional and physical closeness.
He used to say things like “I love you,” “You make me so happy I could climb the walls,” and “I’m the luckiest guy in the world.” Later on, though, he admitted he wasn’t really attracted to me, because I’m older and have kids. He also said that everyone who likes him is either “weird or desperate.” So while telling me I was amazing, he was silently judging me.
Every time I tried to end things, he begged me to stay. Eventually, I blocked him to protect myself.
When we reconnected weeks later, I found out he had slept with a girl who had been in love with him for a long time. He said he didn’t like her, that the sex was bad, and that he did it only because his self-esteem was low. He also trashed her — said she was sick, angry all the time, and that he panicked at the thought of a pregnancy and realized he didn’t want her at all.
He started calling himself “a loser” and “scum of the earth.” I could tell he wanted me to comfort him and tell him it wasn’t that bad. But instead, I said, “Then stop acting like that. It’s not a curse. You can change. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s simple.”
Then I added, “You feel bad because your behavior bothers even you. That says a lot. It can change.”
I said it calmly and with honesty, but he got upset. Said I wasn’t listening, that I didn’t care, that I felt distant. Then he ghosted me completely.
So now I wonder:
AITA for not comforting him when he felt guilty and needed support?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to comfort a guy I had an emotional connection with when he opened up about feeling guilty for using another woman. Instead of reassuring him, I told him his behavior was wrong and that he could change if he wanted to. He got upset, said I was cold and didn’t care, and then ghosted me. I wonder if I was too harsh or emotionally distant when he was vulnerable, and if that makes me the asshole.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to make him feel less bad about things he should feel bad about.
No, you were not an a-hole. He needed to hear it, though it is doubtful he has the positive character traits to let that knowledge spur self-awareness and a desire to change. Where you should put your energy is trying to understand why you let him back into your life after trying to end things multiple times. That is the real question here, and one to ponder, and I would imagine a lot of it has to do with low self-esteem and loneliness. Have higher standards for the people you let in your life, especially if they come around your kids. They should be “worthy” of you, your time, your wisdom, your life experience . . . none of those things should be seen as something to feel “less than” about.
NTA
But keep this loser blocked, you don’t need his games
I’m on the fence because you’re NTA for not sympathizing with him, but typically when you block someone, you stop communicating with them. Which to me makes it seem like you purposefully unblocked a person who treats you like dirt and invited more drama into your life willfully. Maybe when you wise up and get this person out of your life for real this time, you won’t have to deal with the drama you invite into your life.
NTA
Also why are you still talking to the guy who thought you were unattractive, weird, and desperate? Girl you are a whole ass adult with kids, the fuck are you putting up with that nonsense for?
Nta you aren’t his mom and you don’t need to worry about his feeling
NTA but stop engaging with this guy. He’s going to continue bringing you down and he’s never going to be who you want him to be.
NTA. Sounded like his self-evaluation was accurate and needed no corrections.
I said it calmly and with honesty, but he got upset. Said I wasn’t listening, that I didn’t care, that I felt distant. Then he ghosted me completely.
The BEST possible outcome! You need him around you and your children like you need a brain tumor.
He is a bastion of negativity with enough emotional baggage to fill a department store.
Make sure you block him, and permanently.
You’re not the asshole. He wanted comfort, not accountability. You gave him honest advice instead of coddling, and he didn’t like that. His guilt wasn’t about real regret it was self-pity. You don’t owe him emotional labor, especially after how he treated you. Trust yourself. You did the right thing.
NTA. If it isn’t clear at this point that he’s treating you more like his mother than his partner I’ll say that’s part of the problem. Lack of emotional maturity is not something that you need in your life. He can button up or move on. You aren’t wrong that he wanted you to console him but you did the right thing and gave him a firm reality check. He is feeling the way he is feeling because of his choices. That’s not your problem. You build the post in such a way that it feels like you mean he used her. He’s used you in much the same way hasn’t he? He wasn’t attracted to you because you are older and have children but when you tell him you’re over it, he begs for you to keep him. He’s getting more out of this than you are. You offer him parental security and all you get is a third child.
NTA. this is EXACTLY what people like him need
we are basically taught that the kindest thing to do is to enable people. sometimes the kindest thing to do is be honest.
you’re right. actions have consequences. him feeling horrible is a natural consequence of doing something horrible
No absolutely not you are NTA. He is. Honestly, if he’s trash talking her to you imagine what he’s saying about you to others. He sounds like a tool.
NTA. This dude is playing games. He knows what he is doing. It is not your job to raise him, or be his therapist. He love bombed the hell out of you. Remember, he likely told the other girl all the same crap, rinse, wash, repeat. He’s starting the cycle with you, stroking your ego by trashing the other one, pretending he hates himself to trigger your pity…
Sounds like a narcissist. Keep him blocked. NTA
You dodged a bullet. At least for now, distance yourself from him whenever you can.
NTA when people tell you who they are, believe them the first time. This man made it clear that he has disdain for anyone who would sleep with him. You’d be an AH to yourself if you reconnected with him.
You and your children are better off without this loser in your life. He’d only drag you down.