So this might sound kind of messy, but I’m genuinely confused and hoping for some perspective.
I (19F) live with three other people: Rio and Arry, who are dating, and Tay, who I’ve had an on-and-off thing with for the past two years. Now we’re finally living in the same place and kind of seeing where things go between us. We haven’t labeled anything yet, but we’ve been close for a while.
The dynamic in the house is usually chill, but lately I’ve been feeling… weird? Unseen? And I can’t tell if it’s me being overly sensitive or if something is actually off.
I’ve always had a sibling-ish bond with Rio, and something similar with Tay and Arry — though things with Arry have been rocky at times. She doesn’t communicate very well and has backbitten about me to both Rio and Tay. She’s also had her own fights with Tay, but somehow they always bounce back like nothing happened, which I find confusing. Personally, when I have issues with someone — especially if they say or do things that mess with me — I take a while to come back from that. I don’t just act like everything’s normal the next day.
Anyway, here’s the part that’s been bothering me:
I’ve noticed Tay puts more energy into Arry’s comfort than mine. Like if I say I don’t want to go somewhere, he’ll ask me once or twice and then drop it. But if Arry says no, he and Rio will literally hype her up, make a big group effort to get her in a good mood, pick her up and toss her into the car if needed, etc. It feels like her moods are something everyone caters to — including Tay — and mine just get brushed over.
And this isn’t just a one-off. It’s happened multiple times. For example, we were going out for the Fourth of July and Arry was in a bad mood because her boyfriend messed something up. Tay was the one who started playing music to cheer her up, trying to fix the vibe. Meanwhile, I’ve had moments where I’ve clearly been upset — sometimes even at Tay himself — and he just kind of shrugs it off or doesn’t seem to care as much. If he’s ever tried to cheer me up, it’s been low-effort or just neutral.
There’ve also been times Tay has said things that genuinely pissed me off, and he doesn’t follow up or try to make things right afterward. But with Arry, even after full-blown arguments, he’s quick to make peace with her and go back to joking around. It makes me feel like… maybe I don’t matter in the same way?
I’m not trying to make this a jealousy thing. I don’t want to be that person. I understand group dynamics can be complicated, and maybe Tay’s just trying to keep the peace or feels like Arry needs more “handling.” But still — I’m the one he’s (kinda) seeing, and I feel like I’m getting less effort, not more. And it’s not about grand gestures. It’s just about being seen and cared for.
I haven’t talked to Tay about any of this yet because I don’t even know what I’d say without sounding petty or dramatic. I’m trying to be self-aware and reasonable, but at the same time, I don’t want to keep brushing this off if it’s actually valid.
Would love some advice on:
-And how do I figure out what’s valid concern vs just internal insecurity?
-How to bring this up to Tay, if at all i have to, without sounding insecure or jealous.
Thanks for reading this far.
TL;DR:
I (19F) live with three roommates — a couple (Rio and Arry) and a guy (Tay, 21M) I’ve been on-and-off with and am now kind of seeing. Lately, I’ve noticed Tay puts more effort into Arry’s comfort than mine (like hyping her up when she’s in a bad mood or convincing her to join things, but not doing the same for me). He also bounces back from fights with her super easily, while when I’m upset — even with him — he barely reacts. I’m starting to feel sidelined and unseen, but I don’t know if I’m overthinking or if there’s something off here. Advice appreciated.