Myself (23F) and partner (28M) were having sex and he slapped me so hard I have a bruise on my face , this isn’t the first time I’ve bruised from it. Don’t get me wrong i always made it clear I like dominance in the bedroom but I’m worried it’s gotten too intense. I don’t know if I should have said he needs to ease up a bit and I can’t blame him, but I’m worried it’s become slightly abusive. For example a few weeks ago he slapped me so hard I had a black eye, was very embarrassing. Not looking for sympathy I am just curious to know if anyone has any opinions on the situation and if I should take it as a red flag. Most of my friends have said it’s a massive red flag and even if I didn’t say it was too intense he should know not to be that rough, but I feel like that’s blaming him too much? Any opinions or advice are greatly appreciated! I also went to visit him after an evening with the girls recently and he grabbed my neck (we both like choking) but he grabbed it so hard I immediately fainted. I didn’t really know what happened when I re gained consciousness and he kind of just laughed it off and sat me down. I’m really conflicted because I like him but it seems really intense. He also has not committed to me at all and we’ve been seeing eachother for 4 months. I’m confused and would just like to know if anyone has any advice on what to do next. Thanks!
TL;DR partner left bruises during sex, worried it could get more abusive
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i think you should explicitly tell him that you are not comfortable with this. you would be surprised with how little hints men pick up from a woman’s reaction. if he continues to do this even after you tell him then its time to leave that guy for good.
The fact that he gave you a black eye “accidentally” and then hit you again shows a clear lack of care for your wellbeing. That is not even remotely okay. This man has given you a black eye and made you faint from grabbing your neck. He does not care about your safety or wellbeing.
What do you mean you’re “blaming him too much”?! He gave you a black eye!!
Wowza, don’t get me wrong there are a lot of people out there who enjoy what would be called “marking” which would be bruises from their partner or various toys during sex…. However there is a line. K!nks like that need to deeply be discussed to know limits. You should sit down with him and openly discuss your discomfort with facial bruising, but if you’re a masochist and enjoy pain you can tell him to spank you or something on your booty where the bruises are able to be hidden. Either way you both should have a safe word, no matter what if the safe word is said it needs to stop and make that clear with him
That he pushed it so far as to cause these kinds of harm should make you question his self-control.
Physically abusing someone is a far cry from dominance..
That anyone would even hit that hard in these circumstances should concern you.
Time to take that aspect out of the relationship.
that is abuse. he is using sexual activities as an excuse to beat you up. Will it get worse? most likely, if everything was truly fine you wouldn’t have made this post on Reddit. trust your instincts and leave. you don’t put your hands on your partner to the point they faint nor to you slap them on the face, and then laugh. The red flags are bigger than china 🇨🇳 . RUN from this man ASAP, pleaassee. don’t doubt yourself.
” but I’m worried it’s become slightly abusive” he already is????
you’ve got to go. plus it’s still early on in the relationship so you aren’t losing anything.
You need to communicate with him. You asked for dominance so he gave it, but it seems like you haven’t communicated a hard boundary of what’s too much or too little. Give him the benefit of the doubt. As long as these are all sexually charged (during sex, choking because he knows you like it) it doesn’t scream abuse. Some people are into bruises and marks , like myself. A dom-sub relationship requires a lot of difficult communication about boundaries. Find a safe word and work with that.
Approach him with a simple, “hey, let’s have a talk about boundaries during sex” and express that you don’t want to be bruised or choked till fainting. He can react in a few different ways:
Green flag: Okay, thanks for letting me know, I won’t do it again.
Beige: thanks for letting me know, I don’t think this is gonna work out.
Red: Fk you mean I cant? / sorry, I won’t stop. / forces you into submission. Obviously, leave.
Good luck!
This is not kink related things, no one gets a black eye from being slapped during sex or faints from choking unless it’s abuse, run the fuck away now and save your life.
Don’t get the two things conflated, it’s fine to be into this stuff with a safe person but he is not safe
Okay so he saw that he’s bruised you/given you a black eye before, and he’s choked you to the point of fainting, and now he bruised you again.
Have you talked to him about it? Have you had a convo about limits? Have you said that there are levels of pain you’re okay with, levels of impact you’re okay with, but not others? Has he asked you about those? Does he know if you’re okay with what he’s doing? Like, really truly okay?
Before engaging in any kind of BDSM, these are vital discussions to have. There’s dominance, and there’s abuse. What separates them is consent, and safe, sane, and consensual activities. If he knows your limits, and goes beyond those, he’s abusing you.
If he hasn’t asked if you want to be hit in the face, and is doing it anyway, that’s abuse.
You really, really need to have a convo with him, ASAP.
Why continue to see someone for months who has no desire to commit to you? 🙁
This guy sucks
LEVAE IMMEDIATELY
he’s testing you and seeing how far he can go before you leave or he gets in some sort of trouble. he gave you a black eye, hit you again and bruised your cheek and also choked you until you fainted. if you’re concerned that he’s abusive, here’s your answer: he is. the longer you stay, the more danger you’ll be in. if he cared about you, he wouldn’t have continued putting his hands on you especially after he hurt and bruised you the first time
I am someone who literally works in kink and education so if you’re looking for a professional opinion you can trust, here it is: that is not normal, and beyond the realm of okay. This is very abusive. It would not be a stretch to think that this man does not care if you live or die, but at the very least he does not care about your consent or safety. This man is not safe, under no circumstances should you continue to date. If I were you, I wouldn’t even text him again, I would block him and then warn others about him- it’s highly unlikely you’re the only person he’s done this to. If you insist on giving him a proper break up, do it over text and then block him. Do not see him again in person.
When engaging in any sort of sexual activity, but especially anything that involves bodily harm and risk like slapping and choking, it is VITAL to know the proper technique to reduce the risk of long term damage, and REQUIRED to negotiate things before doing them. If he choked you in a way that caused you to faint, he was not doing it correctly, and did something that could cause damage to your windpipe and your brain. Fainting from lack of oxygen is extremely dangerous to your brain. There is also proper technique to slapping, that should not lead to a black eye. Again, improper technique can lead to serious damage to your body. It is the responsibility of the person topping (doing the slapping and choking) to ask BEFORE trying anything new, or attempting anything harder than you’ve previously agreed to. This man did not ask you because he didn’t care.
I say this in no way to blame you, because this is 100% his fault, but do not engage in any sort of kink unless you are able to confidently speak up for what you need. Honestly, even consider putting sex all together on pause, being able to say “this is too much” in the moment is so important. Do not let someone choke or slap you unless you talk about it first, make sure they know the proper technique, and are clear on boundaries. Stop things immediately if your boundaries are pushed or broken. If you even have a moment of questioning if you’re safe with someone, you should not be dating or having sex with them.
Did you ever talk about your boundaries with this man around being rough during sex? You really need to if you haven’t and make a safe word and talk about it with him. It’s very irresponsible to have this kind of sex and not talk about boundaries. It leads to people getting hurt, feeling uncomfortable and feeling unsafe. If he is slapping you so hard that he makes a mark he might have that kink but it’s very wrong for him to do it without talking to you about it and honestly potentially abusive. He should not have been laughing after you fainted from him choking you, he should be concerned. If I ever choked someone until fainting when I was having sex then I would be calling 911 immediately or going to urgent care if they didn’t want that and were conscious soon after. You can die days or weeks after being strangled so be careful OP.
Its abuse. I believe he’s getting off on physically abusing you. I don’t think you signed up for abuse?right?? I think there’s a very fine line in these types of “dom/sub” activities that’s easily crossed or just plain trampled. That’s why discussions of what’s acceptable and mutual trust are so important to build before ever setting a foot in bed.
Choking until you pass out is a very, very bad sign. He could kill you. Leave him.
If you can’t say “you’re hitting too hard”, you’re not in a safe enough relationship to have rough sex. He’s banking on you not saying no so he can keep escalating. You gotta run. Choking is the #1 indicator of domestic homicide.
It’s not “intense”. It’s abuse. Come on.
Wanting to be dominated in bed is not at all the same as wanting to be slapped, punched, and choked to the point of passing out.
Also, if you’re going to submit to anything rough in bed you need to sit down and set very clear boundaries, safe words etc., which clearly you have not done. You don’t communicate, instead your relationship sounds fearful, violent, and dangerous.
Get out and away from him, otherwise next time he chokes you out you might not wake up again. He is abusing you and he enjoys it.
what do ur friends/colleagues/family say when they see u marked up??
you’ve only known him 4 months, please get far away from him while u still can
I’ve been involved in the kink scene for a long while and the truth is, with risky play, accidents can happen. However, when it truly is an accident, the scene stops immediately, the dom is mortified, concerned only for the sub, and determined that the accident will not reoccur again. However, this isn’t your experience. He is beating you, in various ways, with zero consideration in the moment, and zero consideration in the future. That is, I am sorry to tell you, abuse. It’s not kink.
So the only safe thing to do is to end the relationship, go no contact, and move on. And, in so doing, make sure you protect yourself. Inform a trusted family member or friend. But end it cleanly and finally.
And moving forward, if you do wish to play with kink, BDSM, etc., it is worth remembering that consent is key to everything. Scenes that involve impact play, or any risky play, must be negotiated and set out very clearly, with safe words and whatnot. And aftercare – including a proper debrief (this worked, this did not).
And just because you consent once, in the moment, to whatever – does not give open ended permission for an individual repeat that action in the future. Not without a further conversation and your consent.
You should not bring up in a casual relationship that you like rough sex. He has reason to care you how feel. lf you don’t like he just move on. Rough sex doesn’t include black eyes and passing out. You need to let him know your idea of rough sex is different and set your boundaries. If he ignores them, move on.
While you are with him, you will not meet anyone else. Someone who could be your ture partner in everything.
Oh dear god…
He grabbed you so hard you immediately fainted and you still need to ask advice?
Not acceptable
If you don’t know to leave him NOW then pre-pay for some funeral arrangements because he’s going to kill you.
You break up and keep yourself safe.
This is not normal. Rough sex is still consensual sex with agreed upon boundaries
Giving you a black eye is extreme.
Break up. Nothing will change in the long term. You’re way past communication time in my opinion.
Part of agreeing to bedroom domination is also being dominant on your own end and standing firm with your boundaries. Do not see this man again like ever again
You told him you like this sort of thing.
Tell him you want less.
If you want none, tell him that.
All of these people telling you to run are clearly missing the aspect that you’ve stated you want this sort of thing sexually (many people do, both men and women).
Explain to him what your limits are.
If they’re exceeded, leave.
>I always made it clear I like dominance in the bedroom
If all this has happened within the context of rough sex that you planned with him, he needs very specific guidelines and excellent control. Without that, he’s not a safe partner for any kind of kinky stuff. Whether he’s too enthusiastic, really malicious, or just not able to fine-tune the rough handling, it’s a very bad sign that he’s not concerned and offering any apologies or improvement.
Choking to the point of passing out causes as much brain damage as a concussion. Even if you enjoy rough sex please never let this happen.
Advice on what to do next: end it, period. Four months is not long, this will not break your heart or his heart, but might save you from serious injury. Or even death, given the statistics on strangling.
💯this is abuse.
Im a sub and my dom uses paddles etc ,bites my cheek and slaps me,all discussed and consensual.Even with all this he’s never hurt me like that.
Let what you said sink in “he gave you a black eye”.That is not an exaggeration he purposely went out his way to inflict damage to you.
It will only get worse RUN OP
Dominance is not giving you a black eye.
This is hard to imagine it is real. How could somebody have such zero self-worth to ask if it is OK that her husband chokes her unconscious for no apparent reason and gets a thrill out of it or smashes her so hard in the face she gets bruises and black eyes.This relationship is incredibly abusive and will go nowhere. She needs to get out now before he seriously hurt, hurts her or kills her. This is real.
What your friends said.
you need to go and get checked medically if you fainted from a blow to the head.
get the help away from this dude.
If you can’t talk to him, why are you fucking him?
Choking dramatically increases your risk of being killed by your partner. I was willing to excuse everything as him possibly getting too carried away in the moment. Like maybe having a talk about how he needs to ease up, setting some boundaries, bla bla….
But he choked you so hard you passed out- and then laughed about it?!? Girl dont even give him any warning. You need to ghost him yesterday. Seriously. If he is doing this for fun imagine what he will do when he is pissed that you are leaving. Get. Out. Now.
Please stop! People have died from rough sex. If a man can strangle you he can kill you, studies say men who strangle women in sex are more likely to be abusive. This is insane and not okay, you don’t like it speak up! Leave whilst you can
I am SO fucking worried for this generation of young women.
Please Google “number of injuries and deaths caused by choking during sexual play”.
And run.
I guess if you like this treatment tell him to ease up. Honestly it sounds like he doesn’t care so i’d leave. You’re showing him that you like being slapped and choked so much that it hurts or leave marks. Something tells me that he’ll continue even if you ask him to ease up. Please leave.
You don’t wanna blame him? WTH 🤦♀️!!! Friend, I love a little rough play myself, however, the point at which it leaves you battered or bruised is going to far; and to do it twice is the biggest red flag there is out there!
He treats you like a punching bag and the fact that you don’t have the sense or self-esteem to stop it doesn’t mean you deserve it. Dump and block and find a therapist. You need help with setting healthy boundaries and staying alive before you get into another relationship.
did you tell him that’s too hard? some people honestly like bruises and/or passing out and/or other crazy rough kink, but if you don’t like it, you have to tell him
*”Guy I used to see slapped me very hard.”
There I fixed it for you.
Um, you need a safe word. This seems like a dangerous game.
Run. Run for the hills
He is going to kill you.
That’s not rough sex, it’s reckless indifference or malice.
Okay so this was like something he did consensually during sex? If it’s like a kink thing, you might want to go over the rules of this kink and he should be respecting those rules and boundaries.
If he just slapped you out of anger that’s a different story.
Or he’s just doing it randomly??
I was in this relationship. I liked it too but I didn’t like nor consent to the bruises. It went from during sex to randomly throughout the day (even in front of his kids) and was labeled as just cute silly play fighting/wrestling.
Just get out now because it will lead to worse, there’s really no other advice you need here.
He’s abusing you with your consent.
OP please listen to this. WHEN YOUR PARTNER STRANGLES YOU THEY ARE 750% MORE LIKELY TO MURDER YOU. THIS IS A STATISTIC.
Hun this is abusive 100%. And this coming from someone who loves being submissive in bed with her dominant bf.
You’re being abused OP. Leave him. Don’t wait for it to get worse. It’s already bad.
Seriously? You don’t know what to do?? I’m sorry but you can’t be that stupid to ignore the signs. This isn’t bdsm, it’s straight up abuse. Slapping and choking enough to leave marks. You’re already in abuse territory. You better take photo evidence and report him to the police like NOW! Get your ass out of there. Stop making excuses for him. You’re gonna get yourself killed.
Just communicate.
Seriously girl. You’re going to be dead soon if you don’t leave this guy.
No, girl, run.
Anyone who truly loves you would not harm you like this
You’re walking around with a black eye and you’re wondering it he’s too intense.
Respect yourself and dump him, he’s disgusting and an abuser
He’s not dominant. He’s using the dominant fetish to abuse you.
Abusers have noticed that bdsm relationships are a brilliant way to abuse a victim and pretend it’s part of the dynamic.
Have you even tried to explain to him where your boundaries are? Told him what’s acceptable? Told him your limit? In cases of BDSM you need a safe word even if it is light. You need to COMMUNICATE.
Massive red flag. 🚩
There’s a fine line between 50 shades of grey type of sex and abuse.
You’re being abused during sex. It won’t take long before he starts beating you outside of having sex.
This man will kill you. Grabbing your neck so hard you instantly pass out is super dangerous, especially with how nonchalantly he acted afterwards. Holy moly!
Is this rage bait? Jesus.
This is not how real BDSM situations work at all. Your boyfriend likes hurting you, actually hurting you, not just appropriate pain while having rougher sex. The things he does during sex show that he cares more about hurting you than keeping you safe and making things pleasurable for you.
He slapped you hard enough to give you a black eye, saw the black eye, and then continued to hit you hard enough to bruise your face black and blue. It’s so incredibly easy to just be careful and not hit too hard, but he doesn’t want to do that. He sees the bruises, he knows he’s hitting you too hard.
He hits you during sex because then he can try his best to pass it off as BDSM instead of abuse. Choking you hard enough to pass out is not normal, he absolutely had to have done that on purpose. After your partner chokes you violently (which he did in this case, much different than safe and consensual bedroom choking) they are literally 750% more likely to kill you. If you continue to see him, he will eventually start hitting you outside of the bedroom, and he’ll try to come up with an “explanation” for that too. Be happy he showed what kind of person he is early on, before you really get caught in his web.
Break up with him in a public place and bring a strong, scary friend with you when you pick up your stuff from his house. Do not block him, screenshot every text he sends you in case he does anything crazy, but do not respond.
Time to say goodbye!!! Best of luck. You can do a lot better!!❤️❤️
Naaaah, girl, leave. I had an ex who was also dominant in the bedroom and very into butt stuff. I, however, wasn’t. I was new to sub/dom dynamics, but I liked it at first since he was gentle in introducing me to it. However, I’m not into pain. Sure, I liked a little hair pulling and a playful smack every now and then, but that was about it.
I made my boundaries very clear—especially that anything involving the butt area was off-limits without explicit permission, as I wasn’t comfortable with it. He kept pressuring me to try it with him. Eventually, I gave in but asked him to be gentle. He wasn’t. It was extremely painful, and afterward, I told him he was never allowed to do that again.
Honestly, I should’ve left right then and there. Looking back, I now realize he enjoyed seeing me in pain. But I stayed, and that was incredibly foolish of me, because after that, his fixation on my pain and my ass got so much worse.
One night, he got drunk. Things started out as normal sex but suddenly, he grabbed me and forced himself in me in a way that completely crossed the line and violated my consent.l I can’t even describe how much that hurt. I managed to push him off me and just curled up crying.
Thank God I got out of that relationship.
Ffs dominance in BDSM doesn’t equal domestic violence. This guy isn’t a Dom, without proper consent, he’s just an abuser.
Dominance in the bedroom is when you have agreed to it, and have a safe word. Hitting you hard enough to bruise is assault. That’s not my idea of a good time.
Love when men use kink as an excuse to abuse women. Listen to your friends.