I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while (9 months), and from early on I suspected he had a strong preference for Asian women. He’s very into anime and Asian culture (which I am too), so I didn’t think too much of it at first. But early in our relationship, I noticed his phone background was a photo of a random Asian girl. It wasn’t a celebrity or someone I recognized, just a pretty, unknown girl.
Even after we started dating, he kept that picture as his home screen for several weeks. Eventually, he changed it to a photo of me (on his own, not because I asked), which made me feel a lot better.
Fast forward a bit: we hit a rough patch in our relationship (for unrelated reasons) and decided to take a break. When we got back together, I noticed he had changed his phone background back to that same girl. It honestly hurt a lot. I brought it up and asked him to change it, but this time he was resistant. He didn’t understand why it upset me, and I had to explain how it made me feel disrespected and insecure. After some discussion, he finally changed it to something else.
I was trying to move on from it, but then something else happened that made those feelings resurface. He was showing me something on Pinterest, and I noticed that his home feed was filled almost entirely with gorgeous Asian women, none of whom look anything like me. That stung, and from that point on, I started paying more attention when he showed me his Pinterest.
Eventually, I noticed a hidden board titled “Asian girls.” It was on top of his boards meaning that he had recently added to it. I confronted him about it and told him how it made me feel. He said he understood and reassured me that it didn’t mean he doesn’t like or find me beautiful.
This all happened a few weeks ago, but I think it has done quite a lot of damage to my self-image. I’ve noticed that I now constantly compare myself to other girls, especially those who fit that look. I know everyone has preferences, and that’s okay, but it feels hard not to take it personally when it’s so in my face and I’m clearly not his “type.”
I’m not trying to change him or shame him for what he finds attractive. I just want to know how to deal with these feelings of inadequacy. How do I move past this? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
TL;DR:
My boyfriend clearly has a preference for Asian women, and I don’t fit that type. His Pinterest feed and phone background have made that really obvious. He says he finds me beautiful, but it’s taken a serious toll on my self-esteem. I’m constantly comparing myself to others and feeling like I’m not enough. How do I deal with this?
Edit: My boyfriend and I are both white.
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he sounds like a creep and the fact the board was hidden makes it even worse
tbh id break up, you cant change the fact you’re not asian and he can’t change the fact he has a weird thing for asian girls (well he could change it if he wanted to but from this it doesnt sound like it)
Sounds like your guy has a fetish for Asian girls.
Honestly if you mention the discomfort to him and there’s no change or productive dialogue i would just leave before it becomes a bigger issue when you’re more invested…a fetish is ok but not at the expense of your self esteem and mental well being imo
Weirdo behavior especially to have a RANDOM PERSON as your phone screen. Gotta break up sorry
Mine has a preference for Asian women too, he uses a secret twitter account, but denies it, claims it was a one-time thing. (It’s not, but I don’t want to interject my own anecdote too much onto your issue)
It has really crushed my self esteem & I think we both know what we should do. I’m just not strong enough to do it.
It’s hard not to place your self-worth on someone else’s opinion: you tell yourself not to be so codependent, but once there are cracks in the foundation of trust it seems like a ticking time bomb until either you break, or the relationship does.
Sorry you’re going through this OP.
Only 9 months of dating isn’t “a while”. It’s an incredibly short amount of time to have already broken up once. You’re willingly dating someone who’s damaging your self-esteem and who you had to beg to change their phone wallpaper. Also, hiding Pinterest board is shady AF.
Yes, he can find Asian women attractive and find you attractive too. But do you really want to date someone when you’re not their preference? Are you going to feel confident if he makes friend with a pretty Adian girl or coworker going forward?
He seems to lack the emotional maturity to be in a relationship with anyone.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to how much you value your self-respect vs not wanting “to shame him”.
Good luck
Woody Allen has the same problem
I’m sure he does think you are beautiful but he also sounds like a creep. Throw this one back.
Look at your boyfriend from a different perspective. Take off your rose tinted glasses. If your friend’s boyfriend does this what would you think? Would you want to share a future with someone who objectifies women and don’t think it’s a big deal? It being Asian women is not the point here. Save yourself time and energy later and remove yourself from the situation now. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you’re so young, you might be able to find the love of your life the earlier you cut off this one.
Coming from a fellow “white dude,” white dudes with a fetish for “asian chicks” usually have a lot of issues…not the type of dudes I’d spend a Friday night with smh. Do with that info what u will lady.
Definitely go your own ways for your own peace of mind. Not to stereotype too much, but from my experience as a girl into the same things, I’ve found that a lot of nerdy dudes are into that type and sexualise women of that culture a lot. 😬
Imagine the man has some preference, how dare he, if it were the other way around he would be bad/abusive/controlling for making you change your screen lul
You’re young and at 22 you should not be having these kinds of issues or dealing with them really. Clearly you aren’t his type so leave him so he can get with his preference before he does irrepairable damage to your self-esteem.