Throw away account.
I (27F) recently got engaged to my boyfriend (29M), and we’ve started planning our wedding. Everything’s been going pretty smoothly except for one thing his best friend “Tessa” (27F). They’ve been close since high school. I’ve always known about her and I’ve tried really hard to be okay with their friendship. She’s funny, smart, and I used to think we’d actually be friends too, but she’s made a lot of weird comments over the years. Stuff like “You’re lucky to have him, I would’ve married him if we ever dated,” or “I know more about him than anyone, even you.” I’ve told my fiancé that those things make me uncomfortable, but he always says she’s just joking and I’m reading too much into it.
Anyway, recently he told me he wants to have a first dance with her after ours at the wedding. Like… a special best friend dance. He said it’s something they used to joke about in high school and she’s already excited about it. I told him that felt off to me not because I don’t like her, but because that moment is supposed to be meaningful, and following our dance with him slow dancing with another girl (especially one who’s said stuff like that) just feels weird. Honestly it made me feel kind of small.
He got defensive and said I was being insecure and blowing it out of proportion. Now Tessa knows I’m not okay with it and apparently she’s upset too. His mom told me I should pick my battles and “not make this a thing.” But I don’t know. It just feels like a line is being crossed. I want to feel chosen on that day, not like I’m competing for attention at my own wedding.
Am I being to dramatic?? I feel like i’m going crazy.
Comments
NTA. It’s ur wedding, not a high school reunion. Wanting that moment to be about u and ur fiancé isn’t “insecure” it’s basic respect. If she really cared about y’all, she’d step back. U’re not crazy, ur gut’s spot on
>and she’s already excited about it.
Makes it sound like he already told her it was happening before he even discussed it with you. NTA.
don’t marry him. he’s not for you.
NTA
You are not being dramatic and the fact your fiancée isn’t understanding is mind boggling. Do not under any circumstances let this be a thing. It’s not normal and honestly I would have been much more rage against the machine he would even ask? What is wrong with him!??
OP if you let this happen, what will you do when you’re pregnant and he chooses to spend time with her over you? Abandons you to be with his bestie before a baby “changes” everything ?
If he persists or tries to gaslight you I’d give him an ultimatum
NTA. That is an ENORMOUS red flag. Your fiancé should be making your wedding about you and him, not about his best friend. That is hugely inappropriate. You need to cancel this wedding and break it off with him. He obviously has a thing for her.
NTA and it would make me be unsure of him as well. Why is he getting defensive and why is MIL involved? Sibling dances aren’t a thing at weddings, why would a best friend dance be? Especially after the comments she’s made, it’s clear it’s not just friendship to her.
Hell NAW. HELL NAWW. She is that girl which is shown in insta reels “ girl bsf in love with your bf” and your partner not only needs a backbone but the fact that he doesn’t see any issue with the situation clearly shows he doesn’t put you as a partner in a place where they are supposed to. You are absolutely not being dramatic. And the mom saying that? NOPE. Everyone involved apart from you sounds like a problem.
Hard NTA. I don’t care how long they’ve been friends. If he doesn’t respect how you feel about this on your wedding day, that’s a huge red flag
NTA simple call off the wedding. She clearly has a thing for him and he’s either being blind about it or he’s returning the feelings. The fact he’s defending her when she’s disrespected you and your relationship with him are major red flags. I’m sorry but you are just not as important as she is to him so he shouldn’t be important to you.
Pick your battles? Wouldn’t one’s own wedding be one of the most important things to pick?
NTA. He needs to pick you or her and that’s who the wedding is about.
I’d pause planning if he’s more concerned about how she feels about your wedding then how you feel …his future wife. Stop right there and tell him if he doesn’t put a halt to that talk now he can have his first dance with her, when they get married.
Fake
If it was a different event maybe but it’s his wedding. Why doesn’t he want to only dance with you for the night?
NTA – that is way inappropriate for him to have a special dance with her at the wedding. They can dance along with everyone else at the reception or he can dance the first dance with her at their own wedding. There is nothing insecure about knowing where your boundaries are in relationships.
Sometimes during the evening maybe, but making a show of it after your dance, in front of everyone is disrespectful. It’s not her time to shine
Well, that certainly puts you in your place, doesn’t it?
Why are you continuing to plan a wedding with someone who can’t even put you first for the wedding?
“His mom told me I should pick my battles and “not make this a thing.”
You really shouldn’t. There is no battle here. You should walk TF away ASAP.
NTA
Please run , this guy has more red flags than a Chinese military parade
NTA. Instead of talking with you, he went and told Tessa. Not to mention if he really wanted to reassure you he would’ve nipped this in the bud the minute she started making comments like that. Tbh if you really feel terrible about this speak on it before you’re stuck in a marriage where you’re second to his best friend.
NTA —- this is literally a day to celebrate you both as a couple, and if you are going to let this slide then they are going to get away with so much more.
She has no reason at all to be a part of your day, none whatsoever.
End it now, before any children and before marriage
Why are you marrying him????
Absolutely run away from that. Off he can’t respect the fact that your uncomfortable with that, he fails the husband exam. NTA.
> His mom told me I should pick my battles and “not make this a thing.”
But you already have picked your battle. It’s just that the other three, for some bizarre reasons that they may not even understand, want you to surrender. Stand steady on this one.
You should never have said yes to his proposal. That request of his is so incredibly inappropriate and disrespectful. Please break up. NTA
NTA. This is a hard no. Absolute deal breaker.
Red flag! 🚩
Please do not marry him. She wants a special dance with him at YOUR wedding?! Leave them to be together. She’s in love with him and he’s either clueless or stupid.
Don’t marry him in no time. They will hang out get drunk and “explore” also it may not be weird to him and his family but your family and friends will be there too does he forget that EVERYONE will ask u about this making u more uncomfortable? And a wedding is about a husband and wife not a husband a wife and a best friend fuck that run she can marry him. You deserve better. And as hard as it may be to leave ask yourself this does he really care how u feel or is he making u small? If she told him she didn’t like something would he be saying that to her????
Run!
NTA
She’s competing with you and your boyfriend enjoys the attention. That’s so often the case and maybe he should just admit that to himself and to you. You really need to ask yourself if this is something you want to deal with for the rest of your life. He doesn’t have your back. He’s repeatedly chosen her comfort over yours. That doesn’t seem like someone you should marry imo. NTA
Nta. Give him back the ring and tell him to give it to Tesse.
NTA. Pick your battles? This is a hill I would die on. If they can’t respect your boundaries at YOUR wedding, imagine down the road. Will she be in the delivery room with you???
Yeah, I would tell him straight he can have the first second and last dance with her as you are done.
He just showed you his relationship is inappropriate as shit and now I would never be okay with her being around so I’d end the whole relationship or I’d tell him bestie needs to be cut off, completely.
Postpone the wedding. Your boyfriend is not prioritizing you, and your relationship for this other girl. You deserve to be his top priority. You’re not being insecure, he’s being stupid. The fact he told Tessa about it, is a red flag.
The time to bail is yesterday
Oh, ffs…
I have a guy BFF, and I’d like to dance with him at his wedding. But A dance, like he’d have with anyone. Not a “special first BFF dance”, not a slow dance, not a “special song dance” unless it’s a fast one, because that’s f*cked up.
I know his mother said to pick your battles, but THIS IS THE BATTLE.
This is energy you do not need at your wedding, and if you allow/endure this disrespect – because that really is what this is – you are setting a tone for the rest of your married life, and it is not a good one.
you can marry him and then divorce him or you can call it quits completely because you have self-respect.
NTA
NTA but she’s crossing tons of boundaries and he is allowing it. He is absolutely not the man for you. Wanting to be the first woman he dances with after you marry him on your actual wedding day is literally a battle you shouldn’t even have to pick. Leave him now and let those two live their happily ever after that eventually is going to happen anyhow. Save yourself the heartache and just cut your losses.
NTA. It’s inappropriate. This seems like it will be a recurring point of friction in your marriage.
Nope. You’re setting a boundary and he’s gaslighting your feelings. Marriage is a lot of setting boundaries. You’re right. This is YOUR wedding to each other. A commitment of your future together. If she really cared about him she wouldn’t be seeking attention on his big day with another woman. It is weird and I agree with your red flags. She’s trying to establish a place in your relationship which sounds like something you don’t agree to.
Translation: HTAH and should probably start dating Tess and you should move on before you get any deeper in a doomed relationship. Really gotta shake my head when I hear stories like this and some guy thinks this would be ok.
Please don’t marry this guy. He wants a dance with his affair partner at your wedding. That’s outrageous.
Dump him. Don’t keep him from marrying the true love of his life, Tessa. You will always be the third wheel.
Like people asking for something is okay, but the red flag is the defensive reaction… and talking to others about it. He doesn’t have your back, let him go do what he wants and he can stay unmarried. In relationships you try to understand each other not tell them they’re overreacting and then reach out to said friend about it. That’s bs.
If you aren’t willing to leave behind other women, you aren’t ready to get married. You don’t have female friends any more, you have coworkers. You don’t go out to lunch with other women, you don’t spend the night with other women, you don’t DANCE with other women, and you don’t spend time with other women when your wife isn’t around.
If he doesn’t get this, he needs to go.
Gurl leave! That’s red flag right there.
I don’t think this is real, but in case it is, the fact that his mother is telling you to pick your battles and not her son tells me that she’s going to spend her life trying to undermine you. If you’re planning on having children, it’ll be especially bad then. Just an fyi.
Also, your fiance and his friend are in love w each other.
Call it all off.
NTA and yea girl, this Tessa thingy is a problem… she will never be with your BF but he is in love with her from the getgo and is entertained by her flirts… RUN AWAY
NTA
who is he marrying. You or Tessa? /s
he has dismissed and belittled your feelings about this several times, that’s what he’s doing when he says you’re ‘make too big of a deal’ or ‘overreacting’. a line is being crossed, and this is not a good start for a marriage. every time you have feelings about anything he does that you don’t like, he’s going to say your are ‘overreacting’ and his mom is going to jump on the band wagon, along with his bestie, while you make yourself smaller and smaller. if she wants any part of the wedding, she can walk him down the isle and give him away, but i don’t think this dude is a good man for you to be marrying. a good guy would say, ‘oh, sorry honey, I just didn’t think of it that way. of course that’s weird’.
Abort the mission or you’ll be in for a lifetime of uncomfortable situations. Tell him to marry her (seriously)
NTA I second all the folks saying do not marry this man who’s clearly is in love with his “female friend.”
Why are you marrying him? You’ve been sharing your boyfriend/fiance with Tessa all this time. You’re the third wheele in the relationship, and now you want to question his relationship with this girl?? Either set some serious boundaries (tesse isn’t invited to the wedding) or marry them both. There are no other options.
The first dance is supposed to be for the newly wed couple as a first dance as a couple. It is not to be between so-called friends. Seriously, this other girl will always be between you and him if you do not want to feel this way for your entire married life, don’t marry him
If they want to dance together for a random song that’s one things but to have a special song selected, panned, and dedicated for them at your wedding is giving me cheater vibes.. that’s weird to me. I’d be calling off the wedding
NTAH, and whatever you do, do NOT marry this guy. This is his wedding to his harem, so he’ll dance with both brides.
NTAH, if he is already picking his female best friend over you, it is time to seriously re-think this relationship, let alone marry him. Your fiancee is allowing this woman to interfere with YOUR relationship. If she means so much to him, let her have him. There are plenty of men out there looking for a good woman they can have a relationship with and only choose her. He is manipulating you and gaslighting you so you don’t think its an issue or feel bad for actually having a bad gut feeling over red flags that are all over the place. His own mother is downplaying this as well. Cut them all loose and save yourself a lot of drama and heartache in the future. Next time you pick someone to date, chose someone not already attached to a female “best friend”.
This is dumb.
Throw the whole man and his crazy mama away.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
YNTAH but this man is not the one. This is an absolutely ridiculous request.
It really is supposed to be about you, he’s classless, you need a new man
Do not marry him.
🎵hell to the naw, to the naw naw naw….🎵
This has got to be rage bait because hooooooly shit
This will be your life. 3 people in a marriage. Is that what you want? NTA
NTA. Coming from a man that’s crazy, the only woman I would be slow dancing at my wedding day with is my wife
This may sound petty but do you have a guy friend you can dance with. Let him know say “okay you can dance with her and I’ll dance with (insert guy name here)” and see what he says. Also make sure your guy friend starts making comments like she does about you to him just to add extra flavor!
Girl you are a third wheel in their life story. This is not your man. You are NTA, but you would be to yourself going through with this wedding. Period. I highly suggest you walk away with your head held high and never ever entertain this sort of nonsense ever again. It’s perfectly acceptable to have best friends of the opposite gender. It’s not okay to make a best friend a focal point at a wedding. Get out now before you waste money on a wedding AND a divorce.
I’m sorry….he wants to have a dance with a woman at his wedding who is not either his wife or his mother? Pick your battles absolutely. And this is one hill that I would die on. This is so inappropriate. This is a red flag if I’ve ever seen one.
Call off the wedding.
Pick your battles, this is the one to pick. Tessa wouldn’t even be invited, if he really wants to marry you.
don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking you’re being unreasonable for not wanting this
easily NTA
Please say this is a troll post… please say this is a troll post 🤞
If you had to ask this question, you made a huge mistake marrying your husband
Don´t marry this guy for fuck´s sake. YTA if you marry him because he already has someone who he cares about just as much (or even more than) as you.
Tell him to go ahead with his dance…you hire the most sexy dude to dance with you during the special friend dance.
Or tell him, maybe you and her can just get married, since she’s number 1 in your life
I’d make this my hill to die on. It’d be embarrassing if they danced together after you, especially in front of family and friends. If fiancé can’t see that, I’d consider calling the whole thing off.
“Pick your battles” is about not complaining about having to pick up their socks, not sharing your husband so he can slow dance with another woman on your wedding day. The fact that he’s put you in this situation would be enough for me to tell her she can have him. If he’s making you feel wrong for not wanting this, he’s rooting for the other girl. I’m sorry, but if he’s insisting on this, I would break it off. He’s made his choice, whether he realizes it yet or not. NTA.
Run. Run. Run.
IF (big if!) She’s not in love with him, she certainly doesn’t respect your relationship enough. And honestly, neither does he.
A DECENT best female friend gives space, she doesn’t insert herself.
Be with someone who puts you first (unless he has kids – kids always come first).
NTA that is absolutely insane. No, the only dances at weddings are between the bride and groom, the bride and her father, and the groom and his mother. Fuck no he can’t have a romantic best friends who are secretly in love dance at your wedding what the hell
Please don’t marry this person. This is weird. Your wedding should be about your union. She has clearly crossed boundaries and will continue to do so. He doesn’t care about your feelings. Don’t forget you don’t just marry a partner you marry their family too & your future MIL has already shown you she’s going to take his side no matter what is right or wrong. This is your chance to leave this all behind. They’ve shown you who they are believe them!
Normal dances at a wedding:
First dance, bride and groom
Next dances: dad/daughter, mom/son
I’ve even heard people get invited out to the floor according to years married.
Never have I ever heard of BFF dance. Its not a thing and there’s a reason for that.
Also think she’s probably going to be his fun and free-spirited support pal when you’re suffering pregnancy, childbirth, and sleep deprived baby years. This is bad bad bad.
Tell her she can have him and go find someone who is crazy about YOU
NTA. Im a male and I have a female who is one of my best friends. She was in my wedding party. Never would I ever have asked my wife (who is cool with my friend, they actually hang out without me now) if I could dance with my friend at our wedding. That’s insane.
NTA honestly id be rethinking the whole wedding entirely if my groom was suggesting putting another woman’s feelings before mine.
She flat out wants your man. U either need to put a stop to their “friendship ” or walk away. This will not get better
Dude, let her have him. He clearly doesn’t give a fuck about reasonable boundaries or your feelings. Like he is a lost cause if he doesn’t see how having a special spotlight slow dance with another woman at your wedding isn’t disrespectful AF, he’s a lost cause. You’ll spend your whole life defending your position from a woman who clearly wants him while he actively encourages her to try and take it from you
Ok time to make him pick. Her or you walk on this wedding because absolutely NOT. This is abnormal and reeks of emotional infidelity
You should pick the battle that doesn’t marry a dude who’s not going to prioritize you the night you get married.
Three is a crowd, dump his ass. Walking red flag if I ever saw one.
This is so wildly, laughably inappropriate that I can’t believe you feel you need to ask. I’m sorry your mum and partner made you feel like this was anything other than insane. No. Of course this isn’t okay. It’s a huge red flag and the fact your fiance is countenancing it rather than laughing in her face is an even bigger problem.
Let me guess… she wants to wear white to the wedding as well?
Men can have female friends..but her comments and him even asking this question if the biggest red flags I have ever seen. And the fact that he does not support you and went right to her shows how your marriage will be if you go through with this. Do not marry him!
NTA.
This is a hill to die on.
No first dance with her.
Totally inappropriate and completely tone deaf to your needs and feels on a huge day.
This dance arrangement would look to all those in attendance like you are poly or some other version of consensual non monogamy. But you are definitely not consenting!
Don’t sign up to be a sister wife with her. It sounds like he will always put her first.
NTA and run!
I am a female best friend, and this is insane. They can do a fun dance at her next birthday party or something. Your wedding is not a showcase for their relationship. My god.
My best friend since we were 14 is a guy. I was in his wedding, he was my man of honor. Our spouses are friends. I adore his wife. I would never, ever, EVER I a million years have dreamed of this. This is not okay. You are not being dramatic. You are not overreacting or being sensitive or making something out of nothing. Absolutely no.
NTA.
Don’t marry him.
He’s already shown you you’re not #1, but #2, IF THAT.