I (M21) am in a 2 year relationship with my gf (F22). For context, we have been long distance for the past 1.5 years. She took a job opportunity in a far away state for those 1.5 years to help support her career (state A). In the meantime, I have been finishing up my bachelor’s degree. She wants to become a doctor and I am becoming a software engineer. Over this summer I have had the opportunity to intern at a very big tech company which pays very well (state B). She was able to secure a job back in our hometown that works very well for her career while she preps for the MCAT (state C). As she is taking the MCAT I will be graduating and will need to determine where I go for my career.
Unfortunately, our hometown (state C) is not a very good fit for my career unless I choose to work for defense companies, which is not a preference of mine. However, most good companies for my field are on the opposite side of the country than our hometown. We both really want to be together and long distance has become very unbearable. We have also been discussing for a while that we would get married by the end of next year (the year I graduate in Spring). I think that our careers are pushing us in different directions and am unsure what compromise would look like. We’re both so young and new to our careers that I’m afraid of making a decision that would stunt either career path.
Ultimately, she would be making more money and I feel uncomfortable raising kids while both of us work 40 hours. So, I’d be leaning towards part time, remote, or no job in the future to take care of kids. Which, isn’t something I’m opposed to but not working certainly is something unfamiliar to me.
Some other context:
We have wanted to get married for a while now but long distance has prevented that, hence the urgency. Plus, it would be more inconvenient for her career to get married sooner or later due to when she is taking the MCAT.
To reduce stress we’ve started planning now even though we aren’t engaged. For her current job, she doesn’t want to move after so recently getting what is a perfect job. Once she gets into medical school we would be relying on my salary since she won’t be working. I don’t enjoy remote work since it makes me feel isolated but so would working in a new state. She would be applying to med schools in our hometown.
I am not as ambitious as her in my career, but I do enjoy my career and don’t particularly enjoy stale work. I really struggle with isolation and instability (something I’ve been working hard on) so I’ve been saying that I want to stay in my hometown to be close to family. However, trips back home wouldn’t be too difficult, just catching a flight and renting a car. We are not comfortable living in the same home before marriage due to religious preferences. What are some good steps forward to talk about this situation?
TL;DR;
Me and my gf have good career opportunities several states apart and it’s clashing with our marriage timeline and career dreams. I need advice on how to broach the issue with a conversation.
Comments
Maybe this is a sign. I’m a big believer that you shouldn’t get married before your brain is fully developed, and you also at your age both need to prioritize your life and career setup more than a marriage that’s probably going to fail. You two have hardly been together and haven’t even lived together yet.
The marriage should stay on the backburner for awhile but I guess if living together is completely off the table if you’re not married it’s a bad idea, but you should prepare to be disappointed if you’re going through with that. You don’t know what someone is like until you live with them.
Marriage and relationships aren’t easy, but they shouldn’t be at odds constantly. I think you are both falling into some sort of sunk cost fallacy. You’ve dated 2 years and hardly been in the same town all that time, yet have been planning a wedding and very codependent timeline.
Both of your chosen careers should be employable in any state. But you hit the nail on the head with being “afraid of making a decision that would stunt either”…. Of you both personally or professionally. Move where you find work, or school and she should do the same, no resentment can come from that and you will both come through those changes stronger and more certain of yourselves as individuals.
I also believe you should see a person in all seasons before committing to them for life, sickness, stress, the mundane day to day. I would hold off on the marriage talk and even the moving talk. Let the dice roll and follow the paths that make sense. If it’s meant to be, you will find a way, and for goodness sakes stop suggesting what you will do with kids.
And for what it’s worth, I’ve known a few folks who lived together as roommates for religious reasons and then married.
Sometimes you just can’t square the circle.