My girlfriend (28f) and I (26m) have been together for five years come august and about an hour ago I told her I didn’t want to have sex with her. I’d been feeling this way for awhile now and went to confront her on it. Reason being? I consider myself a very giving partner in terms of intimacy, offering to preform oral, petting etc. But for nearly the last 3 years I’ve been doing more than the lion’s share in the bed.
So to take it all back to when I had this epiphany, about 4 days ago my girlfriend was getting out of the shower and I had asked her if she wanted oral and she accepted. After I preformed on her I had asked “what’s it gonna take for me to get the same?” because as stated above, I’ve been doing the lions share. She responded with “I’m just not feeling it rn.” So I quietly turned on my side of the bed and stayed quiet, feeling slightly used and a little emasculated because I never get any equal offer of pleasure or satisfaction. I don’t get an offer period. and her latest claim was because “she’s more of a receivers than a giver” which really twisted me and then it clicked. Anytime I’ve offered intimacy, it’s turned down, BUT when SHE wants intimacy, I’m expected to bring it, no questions asked, and it’s been this way for the last 3 years.
So lead into tonight, I talked to my girlfriend about how it wasn’t fair that she be the proverbial “one that always receives”while I be the “one that gives”. If she wants to sleep with me, I need to be the one to do all the work to get us there. If I want to sleep with her, I STILL need to be the one to get us there. I told her that sex is a two way street and that it wasn’t fair for me to always have to be the one to take charge, with her putting in no effort to give me pleasure. I told her she was selfish and reminded her of what she had told me about “preferring to receive” & all she simply did was roll her eyes and say “because I do” and walked away. So I told her that until she can understand my point of view that sex isn’t just about her, it’s about both of us and compromise, there’s no point on us having it if I’m going to be the one always doing everything she wants and getting nothing of satisfactory value in return
Comments
NTA. It’s a one way street in her town.
When it comes to intimacy in a relationship you gotta communicate, totally, gotta put ego and emotion on check and talk about what is actually going on.
NTA. You are absolutely right. Mutual pleasure is key. Your needs are not met. I think she’s just selfish.
NTA, but why not just breakup?
I dont see her changing so look for a new gf
Need clarification: You offered to provide oral sex and were annoyed she didn’t offer back? If so: Sex isn’t transactional unless the transaction is clear beforehand. Unless you said: “May I provide oral sex and then you reciprocate?” than she’s under zero obligation.
If she’s never providing oral sex, then:
all of them, except the last, can be fixed.
the last one is a perfectly fine, normal opinion to have. either find another sexual avenue for her to please you or be clear that it’s a dealbreaker and respect her if she chooses her preferences over you.
I don’t think you’re the AH but I think you should have brought it up a different way. I’ve had problems with sex in my relationship which took 4 years to get better. It takes patience and a lot of love. If sex is so important to you, then I would genuinely suggest finding someone who matches your energy. Why spend the rest of your life trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change for you?
NTA. I don’t know how much experience you have with girls but that is not a behavior expected in a relationship bro…rooting for you to find someone more adequate
NTA but I get the idea that you’re thinking she’ll give in and become a giving partner all of a sudden after your ultimatum and I don’t see that happening based on what you’ve described.
She isn’t more of a receiver, she’s sexually selfish, maybe in other ways as well, and you’ve been going along with it for years. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? I realize intimacy should only be part of it but is she otherwise loving, does she cuddle, do things for you when it’s a bad day, express thoughtfulness outside sex? I’d be surprised so you need to ask yourself why you’re still there.
NTA at all bro!!! You’re 100% right !
She’s probably taking BBC right now you don’t even know it
>I’ve been doing more than the lion’s share in the bed
Beautiful way to put it. NTA
Well you are pretty young maybe move along . Let her free.
How about you stop being a loser and look for a prostitute cuz nobody wanna suck your cheese divk
Just break up you clearly arent happy.
You guys clearly aren’t sexually compatible at all. It’s fine for her to not want to be the giver but it’s sort of weird that you haven’t communicated about that before. Personally I wouldn’t even get into a relationship without discussing these things because at the end of the day there are needs that need to be met
It’s only gonna get worse with age and or marriage. Find a new partner
Call it a wrap – walk away before you waste any more of your life and time. Better late than never to find out that sexually u both aren’t compatible.
Sounds like you need individual therapy, couples therapy and/or breakup.
NTA for what you feel or what you said. However, it’s not going to resolve until you determine what is going on that changed 3 years ago… and also evaluate why you let it go 3 years. I’m sure you have built up some resentment and that needs to be resolved in some way.
I was in this type of situation for a long time and brought it up too and nothing changed. It honestly makes you feel bad. NOW I have the best boyfriend and we have an amazing, compatible sex life
this reads blatantly AI generated, especially with the classic “So lead into tonight” in the final paragraph that machine learning loves to transition with. also the only post on this account.
Break up and buy her a device. You’ll both be happier. NTA
Just break up; you’re not sexually compatible. Find someone who actually likes you and wants to have sex in a mutually giving/receiving relationship.
It’s all about her, as far as she’s concerned, not about you. Not everyone is as selfish as she is. Time to find a giving, loving person, not someone who’s just happy to satisfy herself. OP NTA
Add: clarification
NTA BUT just break up. You guys clearly aren’t compatible in bed.
Get out while you’re young.
Leave, there’s millions of women out here
NTA. Time to break up. She’s selfish and dismissive. BOTH are deal breakers in my book.
Just toss her and get another shes malfunctioning.
NTA. You seem like a good communicator and she sounds like an asshole. She’s unappreciative and you deserve more.
It can be soul-sucking when a partner suddenly loses interest in sex. And then that time extends.
She’s not going to respect your pov at first. And hopefully she’s delightful in so many other ways.
And I know your conversation probably lost something in the re-telling.
Whoever it is, man or woman, if they can’t do x then they should be more enthusiastic doing y and z.
NTA. It’s a tough conversation. Hopefully it’s just a dry spell. Ask her more how it can be easier. Maybe you’re not showering of accidentally making it unpleasant for her???? No idea, but just an idea.
A man who feels used after sex. Gee, that must be awful./s
Just move on dude. This is a dead end.
Sorry, dude, but you guys are gonna have to break up if you want to be happy
There’s like 8 billion people on the planet. So like 4 billion women.
Maybe talk to her about it. Rather than demand it from her. You have turned sex into a contact. You have to do this because I do this. It’s bout coming together and finding out what works for both of you. Instead now you’re on the road to a break up. she probably feels like sex slave robot. I’d say you’re not an ahole, just kind of immature. Porn should not be the standard if you love someone. It could be, if both of you agree.
It’s clear she isn’t into you. Nothing wrong with that. You have learned about what you value. Maybe it’s time to move on?
That said, relationships are about more than sex. Indeed, sex often (not always) fades out after a few decades. Your spouse is the one who’ll sit beside you when your parents die. Who’ll hold your hand after surgery and while you pass a kidney stone. Who might have to bathe you if you’re too sick to stand. This isn’t just about sex. It’s about choosing someone who shows up – in grief, in mess, in uncertainty. I don’t believe love or sex alone is enough. Commitment, maturity, and the ability to endure life’s ugly parts – that’s what sustains a marriage. Because when life gets painfully real, romance won’t carry your character. And the truth is, forever is only possible with someone who knows how to stay when it’s hard to love.
Had the same issue I got hit with
“But you like going down on me, blowjobs are so much work”
How about I like making my partner feel good is why I “enjoy” it so much and I just wish my partner cared about my enjoyment as well and not it being a one way road and about them only
NTA bro
Im not gonna be one of those crazy people who says break off a long long term relationship over just this but I’m guessing she is selfish in more areas of life than just the bedroom. Sadly I know and have dated this “type” before
Your views/goals/needs on sex and intimacy are completely different and unlikely to change for decades. If you force a change it will create resentment, which is worse. You might need a reality check that your relationship won’t make it. You are both young with time to find someone that is compatible.
Just break up and find someone who cares about your pleasure.
“I am incompatible with a receiver. Thank you for letting me know you are one. Let’s break up.”
You did the right thing by having an honest heartfelt conversation about the balance in, and future of, your relationship. She dismissed you and walked away. At least she didn’t say she’d try to do better, she told you how it is , and how it’s going to be – FOREVER. Now that you’ve gazed into your “relationship crystal ball” what will you do now?
Im the female and im the giver in my relationship. Rarely if ever the receiver.
She’s either lazy or selfish, or both. Since she brushed you off, give it some time, but if she doesn’t come around then you should break up and get the attention you deserve from a better partner.
NTA. Bravo for standing up for yourself. I would advise you to make a clean break from this person as you are clearly not sexually compatible and over even more time the resentment you will feel for this person will be absolutely enormous. One of you has to move out. This is not a negotiable option. If you break up and try to live together all that will happen is you will hate her as you will see her fuck other dudes and always wonder why it couldn’t be you. She will do it just to hurt you. Believe me. You two need to go your seperate ways and not look back. She is telling you who she is. Believe her. She’s selfish and mean spirited.
Petting 😒🤢
You already have the answers youre truly seeking. If after an open & honest conversation about a very key ingredient to a loving , lasting & fulfilling marriage, it’s time to cut your losses & move on. Many people hit their peak at different times yet having invested so many years already & more than half have been quite off balance it will only become more of the same. At 28, she’s nearly clear on what her wants needs & desires are & sorry to say, it sounds as though you are being used . Partnerships are not supposed to be “50/50”, they are supposed to be “100/100” with each living a life of striving to give their all in order to create more of a balance since it’s not always possible for us as humans to give 100% all of the time, its supposed to be the goal in hopes that relationships are more balanced than not. Just with sex alone, she has established her “non negotiables” without hesitation refusing to compromise when asked. It’s selfish & disrespectful, period! You at barely outta your teens when you got into this relationship were not emotionally prepared to set your own non negotiables since studies have proven that male brain development can continue up to 25. She’s made her choice known as have you & they are in no way aligned. It’s time to be taken into consideration or move on.
NTA. get the hell outta there! break up
Why are you gay?
You’re a selfish man-child with no dick game. YATA.
Take it from someone who thought things would get better for 27 years. It doesn’t. Breakup now.
It appears you’re at an impasse and don’t particularly have sexual compatibility.
If this were myself, and it’s not, because I’m abstinent and waiting to be with Phil, plus I’m not a selfish lover, then I would be seeking compromise or realizing that the sexual incompatibility is enough to end the relationship.
Nothing I say is advice.
Bounce.
Just leave her
For gods sake just break up
Sexual incompatibility is a real thing and it’s grounds for a break up
NTA. Everyone wants to feel wanted, and everyone wants a similar level of energy/effort reciprocated. Maybe approach it this way instead of it being purely about the act itself. But my advice: get rid of her. You’re doing the lion’s share of everything, my friend, including trying to resolve this dead end issue. She is selfish and you won’t change that if she really responded to you that way.
Let’s be honest, she knows what you want and she doesn’t think you’re worth the effort. She doesn’t want to please you. The question is why.
Just break it off. If she does what you want, later on she’s going to claim that you forced her, that you’re abusive and that you assaulted her. Not worth the drama
Being sexual incompatible is enough reason to break up. Maybe you haven’t because you’re not there yet, but definitely move towards that direction because there’s no point in staying together if you’re not fully happy.
Breakup with her. She is least bothered about your feelings. There is no point in staying with someone & being unhappy. You tried your part to make her understand your point of view but she just shrugged it off. So just leave.
Bro find a younger girl that will do FREAKY stuff to you from the back…life’s too short to be with a selfish b*tch. Besides…it’s not going to change…stop simping and start pimping. You will be glad you did. Trust me. You got this king.
NTA. Probably should break up. Maybe she has confidence and anxiety issues so she prefers to receive.
Why not dump this selfish selfish person?
NTA, but just find someone who is sexually compatible and stop being taken advantage of.
I find asking your girlfriend if she wants head very strange and simpy; when two consenting adults want sex, it’s a mutual thing.
Offering sex like this is not a very masculine trait, and it seems that you’re trying to please her, which will only make her respect you less.
“I’m a receiver not a giver”.
And……There’s your answer. Who wants to be with a self centred person like that?! Just dump her.
Nobody loves a starfish.
Yeah that woman just using you.
She doesn’t respect you or love you. Dump her
Run my friend. Run as fast as you can. It will only get worse the longer you are in the relationship. God forbid you marry someone with this attitude. Also. NTA.
NTA. She’s selfish. Nothing will change that.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”~ Maya Angelou.
My man. You can find someone better
You guys are sexually incompatible full stop. There are people for people like her. Idk what straight folk call it but us in the LGBT+ call it a stone top. She needs to be open about her preference not to touch anyone and move round. It’s not fair to keep you in this limbo when clearly sex isn’t going to be fun or fair. NTA
NTA but honestly she is a selfish ahole and she will not change. The way she talks, she actually seriously believes that shit. In that case you guys are incompatible and she needs a guy who gets off on satisfying her to her hearts content, who gets his satisfaction from watching her or whatever. But you will not get a balanced sex life with her.
Honestly as a woman I give you the advice to move on, she doesn’t care how you feel and she is not interested in doing anything to make you feel good emotionally or sexually.
zero comments or engagement from OP. only one comment ever almost a year ago. this reeks of karma farming.
Why are you even staying with someone so selfish? She doesn’t care about your needs at all.
NTA
Dude. Withholding sex to manipulate her into having sex isn’t going to work.
First – it is manipulative.
Second – you are going to want to have sex.
And finally – this will lead to nothing but resentment on both sides.
Find someone you are sexually compatible with.
You can find a GGG sexual partner.
“It is a love based on giving and receiving, as well as loving and sharing and the love that they give and have shared is received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share, and love, and have, and receive.” Joey
ain’t the a-hole nyahahah, in a relationship there will be times of intimacy, making love, it’s a give and take situation. you cannot just give and give, you’ll tire yourself out just like now. if she ain’t willing to meet you halfway, i don’t think your relationship will last bro. if she can’t give you what you can give her, then stop, don’t let her continue to have the advantages.
NTA. You had a conversation with her and it doesn’t seem like she will change. You may want to just consider breaking up before she gets petty about this and you get hurt in the process.
NTA but here’s some advice from someone’s Momma – drop that girl like a bad habit. Seriously – she’s not going to change anything she does because you’ve been doing your part. Think about this, if you were to train an animal to get a treat when they didn’t do a behavior, they are going to stop doing the behavior in order to get the treat – think of Pavlov’s dogs. She is talking advantage of you in bed — and maybe in other aspects of your life / relationship. You need to take a good look at what is happening overall and walk the hell away, preferably not letting her know that you’re going to do it so that she can’t guilt-trip you to stay. Hope this helps!
NTAH. But I’m here to tell you… after 23 years, it doesn’t get better. Make sure you’re sexually compatible before you commit.
NTA. But have a serious conversation about it when you both are clothed. It seems like a dealbreaker for you, but it hasn’t been a dealbreaker for the past 5 years. There are other reasons why you want to be in this relationship, and be clear about your expectations going forward. It won’t be perfect overnight, but having a partner willing to listen, learn, and grow will provide hope for the future. If not, DTMFA
NTA but she’s just your roommate now. It’s likely time to move on.
Dude you sort of set yourself up for this type of partnership unfortunately by never bringing this up previously. Personally I think you should break up and look for someone who satisfies your sexual needs without you needing to ask. Also, it IS OK to only like to receive or only like to give but this should be talked about and figured out when you are first considering being intimate with someone. If you always have to do a lot to get her in the mood why would you expect that to change? Much like doing favors for friends and family, don’t do someone a favor just to receive the same because you will be let down. Pay attention to those who meet your needs without you asking.