Hi All, I have been dating my current boyfriend for 2 years now. The thing that keeps coming up is my need for conversation and sharing in things. He doesn’t like talking much, especially about emotions. When we first started dating he was better at it, but when I look back, most of the emotional presence was him being present for me. He doesn’t like sharing his emotional experience about things.
Next, I’ve noticed that it’s not just emotions but rather his personal thoughts on anything. Sharing himself on any topic- about a documentary, the news, his family life, art, anything – he just doesn’t like talking through things. For example we will watch some interesting documentaries but that doesn’t generate discussion. So I feel like I’m numbing out and really bored. I feel bad saying it because with all the practical home things he’s good. But I’m not sharing a relationship that feels like it’s building on substance and thought.
When I bring this up, his response is that we have been together for a long time now so conversation is less focused and deep – we live together. I find this hard to believe. I grew up in a house where we would talk all the time and connection was felt through that. So I feel he’s making me feel dumb for something I know is possible.
When I picture a long term relationship, I picture conversation being infinite and the tone to it is that the person feels they can share their thoughts after they’ve devoured a book or a movie; essentially they are present and also curious in your thoughts.k So much can stay the same but our thoughts can keep shifting. Always more to learn.
I’m scared to bring this up to him because he gets upset saying he tries to give me what I want because talking takes so much effort. He gets drained.
I’m really really bored right now and would love to hear what long term relationships should feel like. I’m also needing to push this agenda soon as I want him to realise I will leave if he doesn’t put the effort in.
TL;DR
My boyfriend does not like conversation and appears not present within himself. I want deep connection and starting to wonder if it’s not possible long term.