I (24M) became close friends with a junior of mine (21F) about a year ago. She was in a toxic relationship and came from a difficult family background—raised by a single mother but surrounded by toxic extended relatives. We became close when she started seeking my advice and emotional support. Eventually, she broke up with her boyfriend, and the breakup hit her very hard. She was depressed and even suicidal at one point.
A few of us helped her get into therapy, and I became a strong emotional and academic support for her. As we spent more time together, she developed feelings for me. I cared for her deeply as a friend, but I was unsure if her feelings were genuine or just a post-breakup dependency. I told her that we could only think about dating after she became emotionally stable.
A month before I left the city (my course ended), she confessed that she loved me and asked for a long-distance relationship. I was upfront: I wasn’t ready for a relationship, especially with me moving abroad soon to focus on my career.
Despite that, her emotional attachment grew stronger. She now regularly tells me “I miss you” and “I love you,” and cries at night because I’m not with her. Recently, her therapist told me that she believes I’m already her boyfriend, even though I never agreed to that. That left me shocked and confused.
Now I’m back in my hometown and talk to her occasionally because I’m genuinely worried about her mental health. But it’s starting to feel like I’m stuck in a one-sided relationship I never consented to. I feel overwhelmed, suffocated, and guilty all at once.
I’m moving to the US soon and want to focus on building my career and future, but I’m scared that setting boundaries might cause serious emotional harm to her. She has no close friends, and I’m one of her only emotional anchors.
How do I set boundaries without causing lasting damage to someone emotionally fragile and dependent on me?
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you exit it without becoming the “villain”?
TL;DR:
I (24M) became emotionally close to my junior (21F) who was recovering from a bad breakup and a toxic family. She developed feelings for me, and even though I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship, she now believes I’m her boyfriend. Her therapist confirmed this. I’m moving abroad soon and want to set boundaries, but I’m afraid of emotionally harming her. How do I walk away from a relationship I never agreed to, without breaking her?
Comments
You should have been direct from the start: you care about her, but you dont want that kind of relationship with her. Instead, youve kind of been breadcrumbing that if she does certain things, then maybe youll start dating.
That was kind of mean, despite your efforts to be kind.
Please take this as a lesson learned next time someone is into you and youre just not.
At this point, its so messy, i dont know when you move, but if it’s in a few weeks, id just… move and avoid the drama and let distance take its course. If not, next time she brings something up that makes you uncomfortable, tell her that. Reassure her you care about her, but you dont see her that way. You want to stay friends and you can nod to how proud you are of her for how shes growing in therapy and cutting ties with her bad ex boyfriend and to keep going.
Tell her clearly but kindly that you’re not in a relationship and need space. Support her from a distance, but don’t take on the role of emotional caretaker, that’s her therapist’s job
Tell her gently but clearly: you’re not in a relationship, and you need space to focus on your life. Encourage her to lean on therapy, not you