This is a really weird situation and I honestly don’t know how common this is, so you can let me know. My F33 husband M30 has been dealing with the aftermath of our divorce (that he filed) for a month now. We are still living together, and things have been surprisingly calm for the last few weeks. We have decided he will be moving out since the house is in my name, and we are currently in the process of splitting up our assets, doing paperwork, etc.. it’s going to take quite a while based on where we live, and hopefully not over a year. We have decided to live together until that happens, but I’m starting to reconsider that.
Two days ago my husband came home very late, around 3am, exhausted and clearly drunk. He told me he took an Uber and was out spending the night with friends, and I let it go, since we’re going to be divorced soon and what he does on his own time is really only his business, something my husband believes to an extreme as I soon found out. Yesterday morning, he told me he was going to meet a friend for dinner and should be back around midnight, I said okay and went to work. I work very long hours, around 60 to 65 hours a week, and usually don’t get home until around 11PM. When I got home and didn’t see my husbands car in the parking lot, I wasn’t surprised and went inside to take a shower and get ready for bed. When 3 hours went by and he didn’t arrive home, I left him a voicemail asking if he was okay (stupid I know) and went to bed. The next morning, he still was not home, so I called him again, where he finally answered and said he had spent the night and was coming home. 20 minutes or so later he got home and I asked him why he didn’t tell me he was going to be out so late and that I was worried.
My husband got visibly upset and told me what he does outside of “my” house is none of my business, but I kept pressing because I had a feeling something was off. That’s when my husband told me he had started seeing another woman, a friend of his which I had known for years, only 3 days after he had filed for divorce. I was shocked and asked him if this is why he had filed for divorce in the first place, but he told me
It was because I’m too nosy, always at work, and extremely hard to deal with. He then told me, “you should start seeing someone too” while we work on the divorce. I told him no, we’re still technically married, living together, and I care about him. He told me there’s nothing wrong with seeing someone else now, and that I need to “get off his back and respect his decision”. Honestly, maybe I am being too nosy and overbearing, but he’s still my husband, and we live together and pay bills. Is this okay and normal?
AITA?
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Not an Asshole persay; but you are getting a divorce, so it is none of your business now. If you where on a break and looking to get back together then maybe, but if he is moving out its over.
the divorce is pending. In his brain it’s like you’re his girlfriend and he just broke up with you. everything else, the bills, the living arrangement, That’s just details. he is going to pretend that you have already severed the marriage. He’s basically told you he does not care what you think about that.
Don’t waste your breath or energy. you don’t have to cheat as well, but you are going to have to live with the fact that he is going to.
You have your own principles and values and you should hold on to that regardless of what people say. His value is not the same as yours, don’t degrade yourself to his values.
Let him do whatever, but maybe it’s best if he finds a temporary place to live. It’s going to be uncomfortable coming home to or being around that.
YTA but to yourself because you apparently fail to move on. Your living situation is suggesting your imagination that you and him are still a couple; yet he clearly sees it differently. For your own sanity, one of you should move out asap, so that you can start to process that your marriage has ended. If you understandably don’t feel like starting to date again, take all the time you need. But you and him are separated, even if it’s hard for you, don’t get involved in his life anymore.
You are a very nice and decent person. The two of you agreed on a civil divorce which also commended. I would assume you still care for him and as such you want to do things properly.
He is not. I can see he continues his behaviour and present as an entitled person whilst staying in your house and comes back drunk from being with other women
He has the right to do he wants and you have to oblige.
I think this will put you u emotional pressure, self doubt etc. I can’t see why you have to accept it
I would tell him that yes, you agreed to cohabitating but it turns out it does not suit you. Give him 30 days and get rid of him.
Divorce is difficult. You don’t need this addition burden
NTA for being confused in this situation. It takes a long time to break out of old patterns of behavior. For the whole duration of your marriage, you both had a right to expect monogamy from your partner. You expected each other to be accountable, to notify each other if you were going to be late coming home, and so on. This was normal behavior while you were married.
Those behavior patterns don’t just disappear when you decide to divorce. You are both going to have feelings about the other person dating and/or remarrying. You will both still feel a certain amount of jealousy and possessiveness towards your partner. It takes a very long time for these old emotions and behavior patterns to disappear.
It’s not helping you at all to be living under the same roof while you are going through the divorce process, especially if one or both of you are dating others. If you lived in separate places, you would not know what the other was doing, and each person could date without triggering emotions in the other person. You would both have a lot more peace of mind.
You need to make some ground rules for this in-between time period until you can get the divorce finalized, separate your property and establish separate places. Your husband and you both need to agree on what’s acceptable. You both need to accept the fact that you’re in a very uncomfortable sort of limbo right now, and you need to just keep the peace until you can physically split.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’m still technically married to my ex even though we’ve been separated for a over year and are both in new relationships and I don’t call him my husband.
It sucks but it really isn’t of your business at this point. The reason you’re still living together and aren’t yet divorced are technicalities, it’s not indicative of your relationship status. It’s not cheating.
You need to start seeing yourself as a single person, because you are.
You’re not the AH for the question you posted, but YTA for treating and talking of him as it you’re still in a committed marriage. So what if he goes and fucks someone else, you two are over. Let him do what he wants and you look after yourself first and foremost
I’m going to assume you’re not the asshole. Unfortunately, I imagine whatever is going on has been going on for some time and he feels that now that he filed for divorce he can bring it out into the open with no repercussions. You’re also going to have a hard time getting a divorce with your living situation. It’s best for somebody to move out. That way it really is nobody’s business who’s doing what.
Kick him out. As he said, you’re done. So be done. You need to be done in your head, heart and home too. Sort out the paperwork later.
Are you guys still sharing a bed?
Get him out of your house and date whoever you want. He’s dating your “friend” supposedly only 3 days after filing (you would be a fool to believe that they did not have feelings for each other before). Let both of them have it and then block them both.
I think you need to stop calling him your husband, even in your thoughts. He’s not really, you guys are in some weird marriage-purgatory right now. While you’re legally married, you know it’s ending soon, you know he’s seeing someone, and you know he wants to live a life independent of you.
Have some pride. Stop asking him where he is, stop texting or calling him for any reason, and don’t tell him you care about his safety (even if it’s true, it’s time to starve that feeling until it dies off). If you don’t feel like dating others, fine. But don’t tell him you aren’t- it’s none of his business and he deserves to twist a bit with the worry that you could be dating someone. Go out with your friends, keep irregular hours, maybe go away for a girls weekend or something. Enjoy your life! But stop telling him where you are all the time, and stop keeping tabs on him.
It sounds like you guys are officially broken up, yet your actions are that of someone who is still with their husband. I don’t think you’re necessarily an asshole, but do need to move on.
You are separated, yes still legally married, but he is no longer “yours”. Try to stop seeing him as “your” husband, and start seeing him as your ex. I’m sorry he’s moved on so quick, it is disrespectful, but it’s out of your hands. It’s also not cheating if you start seeing someone else. You do you, you don’t have to see someone else, but you also aren’t bound by your vows any longer. Good luck!
It’s actually fortunate you didn’t have children yet, so once you’re divorced, you never have to interact with this guy unless it’s your choice.
I was lucky were financially secure so my former husband moved to a hotel for a while then he rented an apartment.
I woulda killed him if we stayed in the same home, he was so arrogant, self centered and entitled.
He needs to get out of your house like yesterday and you need to maybe see a therapist to start to process this divorce.
What he is doing IS disrespectful and is evidence he checked out some time ago. You simply haven’t processed the loss…..and that’s ok. If there is any way to remove yourself from the living situation, I would.
No. NTA. He has his values, and you have yours. If you feel better about yourself to wait until the divorce is final – then by all means, wait. If I were in your situation, I would wait, too.
And, my guess is that you haven’t “grieved” your marriage ending yet, which is why you still feel the need to check up on your husband and why it still feels wrong to you about what he did.
NTA for not being interested in dating but YTA for letting him continue to live there. You’re getting divorced. He’s moved on, and probably cheated before filing for divorce. Stop giving him any benefit to being married, and that means get out of your house. He wants to act single fine… BE single and move out
“filed divorce three days ago”
but for him he was done with you looooong before, he didn’t wake up one day and decide this on a whim. The situation sucks, but no one is an asshole here. He’s done with you, he’s made that clear, his actions are his own now, and you are either ready to move on or you’re not, that’s your decision.
Sweetie, hes been cheating on you for awhile now. Seeing her, trying to see her, long before he filed for divorce.
He isn’t your husband anymore. You’re seperated, and hes leaving you, for someone else.
You don’t have to date, but you’re marrige is over.
Marriage is the legal side of it. Your relationship odds over even though you’re legally joined. He’s right, it’s no longer your business, and it’s not cheating. The divorce process takes time, and it won’t be something he can just shut his life down for while he waits on it.
You definitely don’t need to date right now, but you also need to back off. He’s done, he’s out, he’s moved on.
I think it’s best if your husband moves out and gets his own place or he can move in with his new girlfriend. If he doesn’t move out, then you need to act indifferent towards him. Treat him like a roommate that you’re splitting the bills with. Make it look like you are seeing someone, even if you’re not. Go out with friends, and stay out late giving him the same reasons if he asks, i.e., I was out with friends. If he asks you if you’re seeing someone, ask him why he wants to know, then tell him it’s none of his business and walk away. I guarantee, he’s not going to like hearing that his wife, which he won’t have any issues with referring to you as such, going out and being with another guy.
Don’t cheat. He may be encouraging it to use in the divorce. I’m not saying it’s logical but he can’t be trusted, either.
Tell him he needs to spend the night elsewhere because you have another man coming over for the night.
I wouldn’t date and would consider myself married until the divorce was final, but what he does anymore doesn’t concern you, so you are going to start living life independently. Start by separating car ownerships and get separate car insurance so you won’t be sued for something he does.
You have the right to worry and ask what’s what, if he doesn’t show up at home late at night while being out drinking. You have the right to worry and send a text or voice note wondering if he is Ok when he was suppose to go home but didn’t. But more from a room mate perspective then anything else.
Except that your life together is over even if the divorce isn’t finalized. What he do is up to him, and same for you. I don’t think you will find one person that agrees with you that it’s cheating when the relationship is over, but technically still married. You are married because of the process, relationship is already over.
Either way, I don’t see it as nosy or whatever, not how you describe this specific situation.
If he asked for divorce he was already done with the relationship way before you knew and by so hitting single life faster then what you may feel is reasonable. Or in relation to yourself and your feelings.
He is not your boyfriend anymore, husband on paper yes, but relationship = done.
NTA
You’re a considerate person. He’s not.
Things will get better when you’re no longer living together.
NTA
Legally married and going through a divorce does not mean you are divorced and single.
Not wanting to break your marriage vows while being Legally married is your right, it’s your choice alone and your STBX is, in my opinion, only saying that because he was having an affair with the “friend” before filing for divorce.
Hon, he needs to move out and you need a therapist, STAT. It sounds to me like you are just coming to grips with a divorce and he has been done and, at minimum, emotionally cheating for quite some time.
YTA to yourself if you don’t set some firm boundaries and take care of yourself. Hopefully his quick hookup is fuel for you to not allow him back into your life when he realizes life with a new girl was not the road to happiness he envisioned and he comes crawling back.
What’s not normal is you just divorcing but continuing to live together and act like you’re not. You should be separating yourselves financially and emotionally.
I’d have him move out now. You are obviously not ok with him dating in the current situation. You will spend your nights worrying about him until he comes home. Rip the band-aid off. You are only torturing yourself.
Please have him move out of your home. This isn’t healthy for your mental well being and I say this as someone who lived with their ex husband for a short while as we were divorcing. If he feels this strongly about how you behaved in your marriage then he should be quick to get out of your house, perhaps as quick as he was to move on with a different partner. Maybe also seek someone out to talk to about your feelings. Because there is nothing wrong or shameful about divorce but it also shouldn’t be thrown in your face by him to ease any, what feels/sounds like, guilt on his part by trying to get you to date someone before you’re ready.
He just needs to get out. Why allow him to stay there?
It’s time to let go and stop caring about his choices. But I would try to find a way for him to move out and separate. This will keep hurting.
It seems many commenting skipped over the part where you said it had only been 3 days since he filed for divorce and was already seeing another woman. I’m not sure how long you’ve been married, but that hurts and I can understand why you asked and pressed. I mean, he, by law, is still your husband. Someone you once made a vow to — just because he wants a divorce doesn’t mean you automatically shut your feelings off. If he moved on that quick, it raises some red flags on what’s been going on with the woman prior to him filing as well.
NTA — I do believe it’s time he gets his own place. He’s not your man to worry about anymore and it’s your time to start healing.
I’m not going to argue with the label husband or the term cheating. It’s still new, sounds like it came out of the blue for you and you are entitled to your feelings. For you, he may be your husband until the divorce is final and that’s okay. The law would agree with you, babe. 😉
But…he needs to move out. Like, yesterday. He may be ready to treat you like a roommate, but his presence is only going to make it harder for you to grieve this loss and move on.
Oh girl, he does not care about you. Make him move out and just cut him off.
respectfully, OP, this is a very hard situation to be in I’m sure. I think he should move out asap. divorces are hard in general, especially because you’re still raw emotionally and clearly love/care about this man. seeing this is only hurting yourself and healing process. I would tell him that he needs to go. sending love.
He definitely had a side piece before filing. He just didn’t want to get caught cheating.
BTW-You aren’t being nosy when you are trying to protect what is yours. If he weren’t a cheating AH he would have appreciated you instead of being upset about your attentiveness.
You have to let that go more. I am sorry you are going through this.
Last year, I (65f) split with my wife (56f) of 13 years. I moved down to the basement for three months then left to live on my own.
Whilst I was in the basement, she was still screaming at me and making every interaction horrendous, so my first recommendation to you is to get him out – he can go crash with his new squeeze.
After I’d left, her bubble of lies burst, and it evolved she’d been having an affair and moved the guy in to the house after I went. I still felt my vows bound me from infidelity though. So my comment to you is that they’re your vows and should be observed in your way, as appropriate. If you feel bound by your word, then you are.
Finally, I got fed up waiting for non existent divorce papers to be served on me as agreed. So I filed for divorce early June, waived all the hearings and waiting periods, got her to sign with a notary and filed it. I got a letter informing me I’m fully divorced late June.
So now my vows are extinguished, and I find I haven’t the slightest interest in finding another partner after all 🙂
Was this divorce a surprise to op? Sounds like she was blindsided. A month really isn’t much time to be emotionally ready to move on.
Is the loan only in your name, with both of your names on the title? (Ex: Did yo buy it while married and he just had shit credit and didn’t get on the mortgage?) Or is the title also only in your name because you bought it before marriage?
If he isn’t on the title, discuss with a lawyer your options for having him move out.
Why is nobody calling out the POS husband? Started seeing someone 3 days after he filed for divorce? I call BS, he already had her lined up and was his escape plan. OP, you would be the AH to yourself if you don’t tell him to gtfo of your house so you can properly start to move on. That doesn’t mean you have to start a new relationship yet if you don’t want to. Sounds like you need to work on you and maybe cut back on those work hours if possible.
NTA, but continuing to live together is just crazy. You need a complete break – now.
You need to start seeing him as a man who cheated and not as your husband. Go grey rock and get him out of your house as soon as possible. Updateme
Babe you need to get him out of YOUR house. There is no reason for you to be in the audience of his rapidly unfolding quarter life crisis. Tell him to find a new place to stay while the divorce plays out so you can begin the process of protecting your peace.
I admire your sense of virtue.
You sound like a decent, loving human being. He sounds like someone who was possibly cheating or just checked out already. His response as to the reasons for divorcing you sound immature and he sounds toxic. Either way, he’s obviously not a great partner. You’ll heal and someone is going to scoop you up and you’ll be happy. He’ll still be someone who treats people who care about him like this.
But, what he does, who he sees now is not your business. Unless he is spending joint money unethically, abusing property, hiding assets etc as the legal side of the marriage needs to be sorted out. But let your lawyer guide that. And he needs to be out of your house, now. Nothing good will come from him staying there any longer.
He needs to find his own house. If you own the house he needs to be out.
All of this is extremely fresh for you, so I think you agreed to continue to live together without having a chance to think about it. Since he initiated the divorce, he should be financially able to live on his own. Tell him to move out ASAP. This isn’t to retaliate against him for cheating and seeing other people, but so you can get a sense of normalcy. He’s already emotionally separated himself from you, so this arrangement suits him perfectly. Right now, he’s using you for stability and to subsidize his dating and lifestyle before he launches into his new life. He’s being unkind to punish you for what he perceives to be your faults. He is also deriving pleasure from doing things he knows will hurt you. That’s why he said he was staying out late when he actually planned to stay overnight. Please get wise to how he set you up and then pretended you were prying to justify his decision to cheat and quit the marriage.
He’s free to divorce you and move on, but he shouldn’t forget that you’re doing him a courtesy with regard to your living arrangements. Remind him quickly before his behavior escalates to bringing women into your home.
Get a therapist. Plan a trip. Take some time off work. Visit family and friends. Get your life back.
NTA. The people saying you are seem to be focusing on your response to his seeing other people. You are legally married AND sharing a home. You clearly had no idea he was already out there restarting his life because you found out your marriage was over three days ago. It’s very normal for you to not be ready to date yet.
Take care of yourself and good luck.
KICK HIS ASS OUT YOUR HOUSE.
also, While i understand that you still are legally married you two aren’t together. he’s your soon to be ex husband, not your husband anymore. you’re single and so is he. It seems like he cheated on you or was planning to with how quickly
he started moving on but honestly? it’s not your fault or business anymore. Take his advice, and take his words at face value. Don’t argue, don’t fight, just see someone else (or at least pretend to) so he won’t accuse you of being stuck on him or whatever mean thing he might say.
NTA but it’s not cheating either way.
He needs to be moved out yesterday. He’s right in that it’s not your business anymore where he goes or who he sees. However, he can find a new place to live immediately.
You need to get him out of the house. Stop being nice, the relationship is over.
Out of sight, out of mind. Doesn’t mean to need to start dating, but not seeing him move on so quickly will be really helpful for you.
Also, he’s probably a cheater if he moved on so quickly. So don’t waste your time on him.
NTA. He was cheating on you with his “friend.”
NTA
Don’t date. He will definitely use it against you. Also, she was definitely why he left. No way that night was the first time.
It probably at least was an emotional affair before the divorce.
Hire someone to dig deep. Get those pre-divorce calls/texts.
He was seeing her before he filed.
If you live in a state where there is fault divorce he could actually be a fault and you could end up with more of the assets if you decided to pursue it so no, don’t go have an affair just because he says it. You’re the person who decides your morals, not him.
I’m going to be extra cynical here and point out the possibility that OP’s husband is NOT cheating. Sounds like she owns the house and makes good money. She hasn’t spoken about their finances, but if divorcing her will hurt her soon-to-be ex financially, he may be looking for ways to get as much as he can from her. Not sure what the laws are where she lives, but if seeing someone before the divorce is finalized is legally cheating, he may be attempting to convince her to cheat so he can use it against her. I say this only because as another commenter pointed out, he seemed to go out of his way to ensure she found out he was “with another woman.” He let her know when he’d be home, then didn’t come home. Why bother telling her anything if it’s none of her business? Unless he wanted her to notice/get suspicious. If that’s the case, he may be trying to hurt her, as the other comment suggests, or he wants her to think he’s seeing someone else so she’ll start seeing someone and he can then use that against her. Possibly a stretch, be he sounds inconsiderate at best, so I’d be very very cautious and do everything by the book if possible.
I’m almost certain that this woman was on the scene before your STBXH filed for divorce.
Either way, the relationship’s over between you and him. Date if you want to. Some therapy would probably be a good idea too.
Also he can find somewhere else to live.
NTA
He needs to move out today. You need to accept the divorce and move on.
I would bet him and this friend were carrying on behind your back for a while and definitely caused him to file. She probably is the cause of your marriage failing.
oh honey he been cheating even when the marriage was all good trust me
Cool, he can go and live with her.
It’s time for him to leave legally give him eviction notice
Sling him out FFS.
NTA.
This is a really tough situation. You haven’t really begun to detach and move on from your soon to be ex husband because you are still living together and the divorce isn’t finalized. Your feelings are certainly valid in this confusing place you are in.
He needs to move out if he wants to see other people. Not because I think he’s “cheating” but because the situation is just painful and confusing. You both need to go your separate ways instead of remaining stuck in this limbo. Living together is a huge mistake. You are probably trying to hold onto him deep down. You’re going to hurt worse unless you make him leave.
Make him leave. If he wants to divorce and sleep with other people then he doesn’t get to live in your house. Swt that boundary and stick up for yourself. But also make him leave so you stop torturing yourself.
I also dont think either of you should be seeing other people. Not because its “cheating”, but neither of you had time to heal from this. He is the type of idiot who will be on divorce #2 in 5 years.
In my single years I kept a hard rule: until the judge says you’re divorced, you’re not. No relations with people who are separated or in the process of filing. Anything and everything happens and I did not need the drama.
Take the upper hand, stop agreeing to be reasonable and take a year for him to figure himself out. Since he wants to behave single and disreputable, he should get out of your house and be single.
Oh, he absolutely was stepping out.
give him notice he needs to be out. now. and find out the eviction process in your state. and be petty. your stuff is no longer for him to use or consume. he is a mooching tenant not your partner. and he really needs to get gone.
how long til he brings her to your home?
He could gtfo of your house if it is that important that he has privacy from you
To me, KISS (keep it simple stupid), so I concur you are married until the decree, and therefore for your own integrity don’t date. Work on yourself, the partner who files, your husband, have “out” of the relationship for some time. They are likely already mentally done. To you this is fresher, and you still need to process
I’m old school, I don’t think either party should see others until divorce is final.
Begin the downvotes
I had a friend whose husband did this. She couldn’t legally get him to move out so she blocked off part of the house with plywood. I think he was crawling in and out of the master bedroom window and cooking on a hot plate. 😆 She was able to technically honor the requirement of letting him stay in the home but she didn’t have to see his cheating ass anymore.
NTA but I can understand the argument that since your relationship is over it’s not cheating to date someone else; at this point there’s just a piece of paper and arrangements for material items left to take care of between you and him.
It’s completely ok that you aren’t ready to date. But he is. I think it would be best for both of you if he moved out. If that’s not possible right now for whatever reason, I would suggest ignoring him as much as possible. Don’t ask where he is, what he’s doing or who he’s with and don’t offer up any details of what you are doing either.
You need to kick him out. Living together while hes fucking others is unacceptable because its obviously hurting you. Youre in a space where you’re not free of him and unable to move on. Yes you are over and hes free to date others. Doesnt mean you need to live with it and have it in your face. You may be married but you are separating and divorcing. It is over already. Make him move and stop keeping tabs on him.
You sound like a very kind person, and he does not.
You’re obviously not the asshole, and I’d ask him to live somewhere else.
Dudes a jerk, make him move out, quit calling him your husband and move on! I know it’s hard but obviously he has and he has zero respect for you
It’s a trap to accuse you of cheating an not pay. Nta.
Tell him that he can stay with her.
Hunni, I’m in your position, although I’m the one who asked for the divorce. I know it’s hard. Living with your soon to be ex husband while in the divorce process, it constantly tugs on your heart. You loved this man enough to marry him and it hurts. I know that. I get it. The BEST thing you can do right now is get used to saying “my ex” or “my soon to be ex” instead of “my husband”. I call him by his first name since I never did while we were together. It’s hard, and you have to train your brain but it will help. I promise.
As for him being out on a date, I say this as sensitively as I can, but that’s his choice. All you can do is decide how to let it affect you. My soon to be ex and I have an agreement. If either of us starts talking to someone while we still live together, and any dates that get scheduled, just open communication. Maybe that’s something he’d agree to if you still want to live together? But honestly, I’d suggest asking him to leave.
You can’t heal in the same environment that broke you.
With him seeing someone 3 days AFTER him filing for divorce, he was definitely already seeing this girl BEFORE the divorce OR in his mind, it wouldn’t be considered “cheating” if he did file. He had this all planned out and is blaming YOU for him filing, but in reality, he didn’t want to look bad, per say, for being married and cheating at the same time. The better question is, the girl he is seeing , was she REALLY your friend or his?
The secondhand embarrassment that I feel right now, is BEYOND explainable.
Stop calling that man, and stop calling him your husband.
Come to terms with the fact that it’s over.
Never let a man tell you more than once he doesn’t want you, because you’re only embarrassing yourself
change the locks and tell him to stay with who he’s seeing now, he’s not your husband anymore as yall are in the process of divorce so let him be
Get him out of your house. Asap. Nta.
He needs to leave your house asap. He has friends, family and co workers, not your problem anymore
You need to cut it off completely, having him stay there while seeing someone else is only causing you more grief. He needs to go live with whoever so you can begin to heal and move on.
He should not be living with you.
NTA. for god’s sake, make him move out of the house.
situations like this will keep happening as long as you allow him to occupy your house
My ex and I tried to live together until the divorce was final, but it didn’t work, for similar reasons. Either get him to move out or learn to live with it while you’re still living with each other. I also didn’t agree that we should be seeing people until actually divorced, but he didn’t see it that way. So, I moved out. Much easier to deal with after that!
Investigate and find out when the affair started. If it started before he filed in a lot of states that will make the divorce go faster on the grounds of cheating
Yes she is the reason he pushed for a divorce. He doesn’t respect you. I wouldn’t jump into another relationship until you have your head on straight and that won’t be until you get free of Mr. Trashcan there.
Get the assets split, kick his ass out
of your house. Block him on everything and start working on becoming the person you want to be without him. Do all the things you couldn’t do with him. Figure out what YOU like, what YOU want and go after YOUR life without worrying about him or what he wants or needs or wasn’t living up to. You don’t need him. He is never going to be the man you needed him to be.
Let him go. Kick hom out of your home and your life
This is so sad. 😞 OP is clearly still invested in the Marriage. My heart would hurt if my ex partner told me to start seeing other people.
It’s been normalized for sure. If you’re not interested in seeing someone else right now, that’s your choice. In my opinion he could’ve done things differently considering he was already involved in a new relationship. The details that were blasted out in anger could have been given as a heads up to avoid the confusion that’s going on now. Just my opinion….
If the house is your separate property, toss him out. You’re not wrong for respecting your vows, and he sounds like an asshole.
He needs to move out now.
Wait.. the home is OP home? He filed for divorce and immediately started seeing an old & mutual friend. To me: it sounds like the ex is taking advantage of OP by leveraging the love she has for him to his advantage, so that he can have his cake and eat it too.
Perhaps OP is overbearing or something. It’s not an excuse. If he was a man, he would be out of the home. Especially if he’s cruel enough to be in a relationship so soon.
Girl I (33F) told my husband I want a divorce. He moved out 2 days later. That was 3 weeks ago, and I hate referring to him as my husband… but that’s, in fact, what he is. I truly hope he finds someone who can make him happy, but it wasn’t me. As for me… I’m already having fun. What he’s doing, I don’t know, nor do I care. It sounds like you haven’t let go of the relationship, and part of it probably has to do with the fact that you still live together. Please, do yourself the favor and ask him to move out and live your life without him.
20$ that he cheated on you with her and now he feels guilty
You have to let go. You’re not winning any purity points and he’s already out the door. Maybe consider living separate if his alley catting bothers you so much. But he no longer owes you a “check in” and you’re not making him regret the divorce with this possessive behavior. Men tend to miss you more when you couldn’t care less. Move on for yourself and dignity. Hold your head up, breathe and let go. You got this darlin. NTA.
NTA, but you need to convince him to move out of your house. If he had no respect for you in your home, he has no place in it.
Yes you are. Allow him to do his thing. Not easy to hear he’s trying to move on n sleep with other people. If you don’t wanna know his details then don’t ask. If you’re 6 months away from wanting to be out there again meeting a guy that’s on you.
He was cheating with this girl that is why he wanted a divorce. His affair partner demanded him to get a divorce before he could stay all night with her.
Why are you living with your ex? Not your husband. You’ve agreed to separate. Your ex. You need to correct your language.
How is living with your ex suppose to work? You are no longer involved in his life, by your choice, which means it is none of your business. This distance is hard to achieve when you are sharing a house.
I’m sorry this is happening. He needs to move out so you can get closure. You’re still living as a married couple. Btw yes it sounds like he was cheating and that’s probably the reason for the divorce. I’m sorry. He needs to just go.
You’ve only recently decided on a divorce, and you’re still living together. You really haven’t had the opportunity to come to terms with the breakdown of your marriage. Because he was the one who asked for the divorce, he’s already had time to adjust and move on. Honestly, unless you need him there financially, give him 30 days to move out.
I
And get tested. He’s sleazy
NTA – You need to live separately as soon as possible. You are still acting like his wife when he does not want you. If the mortgage is the only reason you are still there, refinance to get him off it. The sooner he leaves the better you both will be. He does not like you at all and resents you very much. Accept that and move on. There is someone who will accept you for who you are and give you the respect and love you deserve. But you cannot find them holding on to a man that absolutely does not want you. Sorry, you deserve better so go find it after you take time to grieve the demise of your marriage. Good Luck!
You showing him that you care is feeding his ego
U are NTA. U have morals and a sense of pride.
Your husband is a douche bag.. can’t even wait until it’s finalized to move on . He was moving on while u were married. I got this divorce bc he was already seeing someone else..
He’s a cheater and will always be one.. don’t change who u are. Someone will love you for you. Respect your hard work and understand.
If someone works alot. U make every moment their not working special . Their days off should be enjoyable.
That’s what a partner should do. As a man. Finding a partner who doesn’t cheat is nearly impossible. If your lucky enough to find a partner who doesn’t cheat. You keep and cherish them. Your blessed.
Time for him to move out I get you didn’t want the divorce but he was already out of it before he asked for the divorce.
I mean he filed for divorce and is making it clear he’s ended the marriage. He for all intents and purposes considers the marriage to have died the moment he showed his intent to divorce.
I’m going to be real with you, he’s being shitty about it but you’re expecting too much. You are acting like you are still married, and while legally you are, you’re not anymore. He’s made that clear and you need to listen.
You don’t need to go out and cheat or whatever. But you need to stop expecting him to abide by the rules of marriage just because the divorce hasn’t finalized.
He’s not your husband anymore. You are married legally in the sole sense that the law won’t allow him get his feet out the door faster before finances are settled.
Stop checking in on him. Stop expecting him to act any other than an annoyed roommate living in your home. Don’t give him any allowances or unnecessary kindness or worry. He doesn’t want it and he doesn’t deserve it when he could obviously care less.
Ask him to move out
If house is in your name, kick him out. Its obvious he was cheating with the friend that’s why the divorce was filed. You need to ignore him, till he’s out of that house. No keeping tabs calling or texting,. Only talk over legal things through your lawyer. You are acting like his wife still, you should not its wrong. Ex to be husband couldn’t care less, he’s already moved on , you have no right to his life now. Sooner you realize the better off you’ll be! Start moving on for yourself, only care about you ! UPDATEME
Nta if not ready to move on. But while he’s still living there OP should not be calling him, or worrying what time he gets home.
Always harder for the partner who didn’t ask for the divorce, but he must get out of there. Tasteless of him to flaunt his affairs . He can go live elsewhere, no possible reason to wait.
You have enough people telling you what your ex-husband does is not your business (btw date of filing/separation) is the end of marriage date, not when it’s finalized, so he IS YOUR Ex.
So I will leave you with this final important word of advice—while you are in an active divorce, you need to live the exact life you can see yourself living for the next 10-20 years. You are working 60-65 hours per week, which may have worked for you for some reason at some time (were you avoiding your husband because you weren’t getting along, were you working extra hard to escape financial trouble?).
Will you see your 60-65 hour work week the same way when you’re on your own and part of the money you earn with those long hours is going to support your ex? How will you feel when you get burnt out and want to cut back to a normal 40, then you realize you can’t because you’re obligated to keep paying him based on your 60-65 and you won’t be able to support yourself with what’s left over?
Normal workweek now. Breathe, go to yoga, take a vacation with your extra time. Cut down on your expenses so you can do it. Once the divorce is done, you can go back to your 60-65 if that’s really what you want, but it will be your choice and you’ll reap the benefit.
Ummm…you’re technically separated but going through a divorce. He can do as he pleases and so can you. I’m pretty sure if you start dating someone else, he’s going to get upset and gaslight you. Use the same words on him that he used on you. Therefore, leave him alone and start moving forward. You’re stuck on the marriage aspect when evidently it’s over.
” he’s still my husband.” No he’s not! he filed for divorce. let him go and focus on yourself.
yes, its hard, and you don’t want to hear this but he doesn’t want you. Respect that and move on. you are free to not see others so soon but you can’t expect the same from him, if he asked for divorce, it means he detached from you months ago and for him the divorce is just a technicality. Move on and stop being concerned for him. focus on getting him out of the house.