Hi everyone! This is my first Reddit post so bear with me. My (27F) sister Abby (24F) has been hooking up with my ex boyfriend Jack (29M) in secret for the last year. For context, Jack and I dated 5 years ago on and off for about 2 years. Jack also happens to be my brother’s best friend since high school. Jack and I decided to end our relationship amicably and have remained close friends with no issues. Since then, I have moved on and am living with my current partner for the last four years. Our friend group includes me, my brother, Abby, Jack, my sister in law and various other friends. We are a very close group and spend a lot of time together. I would consider my sister Abby and I to be best friends, we are very close and spend a lot of time together.
A week ago, my sister in law and brother saw Abby’s location at jacks house in the wee hours of the morning. My sister in law asked Abby what she was doing there, and it came out that Abby and Jack have been sleeping together in secret for the last year. It’s been a mix of drunk hookups at events, as well as movie nights where they just hang out. They went so far as to change each others names in their phones so they could maintain this secret. A few days ago, my sister and I were hanging out and she semi casually brought up the fact that she has slept with Jack on occasion. She said that it was casual and they have no romantic relationship. She even went so far as to say it was a hook up out of convenience. As it turns out, my family all knew about this for a week before Abby ever confessed this to me. At first, I was very understanding and kind of brushed it off as they are two consenting adults and they can make their own decisions. As time went on, I started to feel more and more uncomfortable knowing that someone I’ve had a sexual relationship with and see on a regular basis now has the same kind of relationship with my little sister. I also started to feel pretty hurt that my sister would keep this from me and not come to me right away and be honest. If that were the case I don’t think I would be so upset. My issue with Abby is that she was able to hang out with me, go on vacations with me, have deep conversation with me for the last year while basically lying by omission to my face.
I decided to tell Abby my feelings after thinking about it for a few days. She essentially said, “I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt, but nobody was ever supposed to find out.” She also said “I’ll stop seeing him if you want me to” (which is not my problem with her- it’s the lying).
Since then, we haven’t been able to talk much because of work schedules. I’ve been hanging around my family, who have given me their opinions on the situation. What I want to know is, am I overreacting or am I justified in feeling betrayed by my sister?
Comments
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Backup of the post’s body: Hi everyone! This is my first Reddit post so bear with me. My (27F) sister Abby (24F) has been hooking up with my ex boyfriend Jack (29M) in secret for the last year. For context, Jack and I dated 5 years ago on and off for about 2 years. Jack also happens to be my brother’s best friend since high school. Jack and I decided to end our relationship amicably and have remained close friends with no issues. Since then, I have moved on and am living with my current partner for the last four years. Our friend group includes me, my brother, Abby, Jack, my sister in law and various other friends. We are a very close group and spend a lot of time together. I would consider my sister Abby and I to be best friends, we are very close and spend a lot of time together.
A week ago, my sister in law and brother saw Abby’s location at jacks house in the wee hours of the morning. My sister in law asked Abby what she was doing there, and it came out that Abby and Jack have been sleeping together in secret for the last year. It’s been a mix of drunk hookups at events, as well as movie nights where they just hang out. They went so far as to change each others names in their phones so they could maintain this secret. A few days ago, my sister and I were hanging out and she semi casually brought up the fact that she has slept with Jack on occasion. She said that it was casual and they have no romantic relationship. She even went so far as to say it was a hook up out of convenience. As it turns out, my family all knew about this for a week before Abby ever confessed this to me. At first, I was very understanding and kind of brushed it off as they are two consenting adults and they can make their own decisions. As time went on, I started to feel more and more uncomfortable knowing that someone I’ve had a sexual relationship with and see on a regular basis now has the same kind of relationship with my little sister. I also started to feel pretty hurt that my sister would keep this from me and not come to me right away and be honest. If that were the case I don’t think I would be so upset. My issue with Abby is that she was able to hang out with me, go on vacations with me, have deep conversation with me for the last year while basically lying by omission to my face.
I decided to tell Abby my feelings after thinking about it for a few days. She essentially said, “I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt, but nobody was ever supposed to find out.” She also said “I’ll stop seeing him if you want me to” (which is not my problem with her- it’s the lying).
Since then, we haven’t been able to talk much because of work schedules. I’ve been hanging around my family, who have given me their opinions on the situation. What I want to know is, am I overreacting or am I justified in feeling betrayed by my sister?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
NOR because it sounds like it’s not even just about them hooking up but about the fact that they deliberately and repeatedly hid it from you for a year. Your sister should have told you months ago; instead she chose to lie to you.
In the past year, has she talked about her wants in a relationship in the future or other men she was dating or sleeping with? Did you ever bring up your relationship with Jack in the past year?
How frequently do they hang out/ hook up?
Yeah sorry but there is no way they weren’t sleeping with each other behind your back.
Its just all kinds of disgusting that she knows yoi were together for 5 years and she wants to share a cock with her sister.
Personally I’d cut her off completely. She knew it would be weird and upset you but a bit of dick was worth losing you.
NOR. I would never even consider dating one of my sisters ex boyfriends. That’s just such an odd thing to do and it’s weird of her to even consider HIM out of all the men out there.
Hey there I am so sorry that you are having such a rough moment and first, and hopefully this can give you some much needed validation, as a mental health therapist I want to tell you even a licensed person would confirm this sucks man. You are valid. Also, we never have to be right to be valid. It doesn’t mean our reality and perspective are accurate it just means we need to sit with and honor the feelings we have about something.
Second, if you can, maybe journal about this, explore specifically what aspects you feel are the biggest betrayals and if you have a therapist even better ask them to help guide you, but also look at the reactions of everyone and see if there are other times in your life that you have felt minimized or behaviors excused due to your reaction. This instance can really give valuable insight into other moments that were hurtful in your life and inform the meaning attached to this and help you understand what you need to feel safe and respected in your relationships whether family or romantic or platonic. Everything has a moment or moments in which our brains learned to create associations and meaning. Of it feels like a betrayal there’s a reason and it’s important for you to learn and understand so that you can also have value in your personhood and how to set clear boundaries and learn what those are and honor the boundaries of your loved ones.
Third, do not spiral into a cycle of asking for validation and understanding where the ability and desire to give it to you is not present. It will definitely cloud your own self compassion and exploration of the reasons you are hurt. I dokt care if that means messaging me a random stranger to be sure for the millionth time. It’s better to be affirmed and attuned to and not go down the rabbit hole on this.
Fourth, what I would do is simply anchor to your feelings. Say something like, hey I really needed understanding of what happened and I am hurt due to the lying and the understanding our relationship is closer or more transparent than this has caused me to feel. I’d like to repair this and come to an empathetic and more close emotional place. I also am hurt that others knew and made the choice to determine my reaction and the ability to handle it. I don’t knownif you had felt bad and are saying this to displace your feelings but the way it was stated hurts a lot. The message in general was not loving or respectful to me. I want to repeat I am not angry at the act. I’m angry and above all sad and feeling my value to you is not equal to the value I feel you hold to me and that hurts and even if not your intent, that message was given to me. I want to repair this and discuss openly what you thought and gain clarity and want to connect by sharing how I feel. Is this possible? And if she says no then please know it doesn’t matter what others say. You are worthy of having space held for you and being heard and validated and you have the right to create safety by saying hey what is your purpose in saying these things to me about the validity of my pain? If theh aren’t receptive to you saying I need this or please don’t at this time push this belief or way of being onto me as I process, you have the right to create distance until the time you are able to make relationship decisions or speak with more conviction and self love.
I’m sorry again. You are seen. You are valid.
You weren’t betrayed. You moved on. Your ex and sister have a relationship. They didn’t tell you because, well, this. They knew you’d make it an issue when in fact it’s two consenting adults who did not cheat on you. You get no say over your little sister who is a grown woman.
NOR this has been going on for over a year and they’re both in your friends grou. Either one or both of them should have told you a long time ago. That being said, you have moved on with another partner about 4 years and I’m assuming you’re very happy. To save your relationship with your sister I would just drop it.
Hot take, but I think you’re seriously over thinking this. She didn’t lie to you or betray you. At the end of the day, who your adult sister is sleeping with is genuinely none of your business. It is strange to sleep with your sister’s ex, but it’s not the end of the world. What I personally find more strange is why you’ve been thinking about this so much … that’s just odd.
Now you know they sleep with each other. Move on. It has very literally no bearing on your personal life or on the relationship you have with your sister, unless you allow it which would be silly.
Let this go.
For clarification- I am only upset that my sister kept this a secret from me for the last year. If she had come to me after the first time they hooked up and was honest and said this was something she wanted to pursue, I would have been fine with it. My issue is the fact that there was zero transparency and I feel betrayed by my sister for not just being honest in the first place. If the roles were reversed, I couldn’t imagine going an entire year not telling my sister about this. I am in a healthy relationship and have moved on from my ex, but we are in a very tight friend group that hangs out on a regular basis, so this does affect the dynamic. Also should be stated- my ex is my older brother’s best friend. So now not only has my older brothers best friend hooked up with me, but also his other little sister too.
Any sister that doesn’t care how messed up is to date their sister’s ex is not a sister worth keeping around. If she can get with an ex, she can hit on your future partner as well
Most people said you should let go, but it’s the lying and hiding that hurt you. Seems like your sister wants to be “you”. Find signs of that and sometimes creating distance is a good thing, until you are ready at least.
Get over it,youre in another relationship.
But ask him whos better first, at family dinner. ( jk..mind youre fkin business.)
Honestly the first thing I thought of was Little Women while reading your post.
I would just let it go and not get yourself worked up too much. She most likely didn’t tell you because it is just supposed to be fun and didn’t want a bunch of drama. Especially if she gets on reddit and have seen posts about this stuff in the past.
Enjoy the one you got now and don’t worry about what your sister and ex are doing. It doesn’t effect you. Enjoy your peace.
🤮🤮🤮
I guess I’m actually kind of mad about her sleeping with your ex “out of convenience”? Is there like 6 fit, attractive men in her age range in your town?
I think I also just get kind of annoyed by friend groups where everyone fucks each other or there’s like one person who will fuck anyone and not care about the way it affects the dynamic of the group at large.
I think beyond being a liar—your sister is really immature and short sighted.
Maybe I’m overreacting but I’d probably go low contact. She’ll do whatever is convenient for her without thinking about anyone else including you. She admitted that. Is she going to fuck your current partner at Thanksgiving now because “it’s convenient”? Does she even think about what she’s doing?
It’s weird. She’s not a good sister. I think you’re underreacting.
Also Jack is kind of a loser for even considering this. They made this all needlessly complicated and weird.
Well I think what your sister is doing sucks and kinda gross. But he’s not worth it. I would guardedly let it go.
Very justified. Men come and go, but sisters are supposed to be your ride or dye(😉) idk if I’ll be put on time out if I spell that word correctly. Men that ones sister dates or dated no matter how long ago it was, are off limits. That’s sister rule #1 PERIOD. One usually keeps relationships a secret if you feel ashamed or know it’s not right ro be with that person.
I feel both Jack and your Sister were wrong to hook up. Convenience? That’s a lazy excuse for their f-up. And I say f-up bc while they are consenting adults, out of kindness and respect to you, no matter how casual they are, they, more so Abby should have told you.
Remember you teach people how to treat you. I would have an honest conversation with Abby and let her know your thoughts, how he lying made you feel. I’d say put her on time out for a minute, let her see the relationship she will miss if she EVER betrays you again. Best of luck 🙏🏽🌻
You were betrayed by your entire family. If you could Abby off, why have a relationship with the rest of them? They’re all liars.
I would NEVER hook up with someone my sister has been with. That feels soooooo icky
I’m sorry to hear things are going like this. Do you still have feelings for Jack, because it kind of seems like you do? Do you feel challenged, excited, disrespected, or angry about your sister’s sleeping with him? How does your mom and dad feel about both of you being with the same man?
It’s pretty messed up for your sister to hook up with a former boyfriend, BUT… the issue here is that he’s not just a former boyfriend. He was your brother’s best friend first, right? Maybe your brother didn’t like that you made the relationship with Jack a romantic one? Somehow though, you all got past it and remained in the same friend group. Your sister probably should have informed you beforehand, but without knowing all the context, this feels more like friends with benefits that has nothing to do with you specifically. Maybe she just didn’t want to acknowledge the specifics or make it more complicated by getting you involved.
The smart thing to do is talk through your feelings with your sister with grace, because Jack’s relationship with your family is more complicated than just a former ex. I think you are overreacting by thinking about this as a betrayal.
You better keep away from your sister..for sure if you have your future husband she will seduce him too
She may be your sister but she definitely ain’t your best friend.
Ilooppoo>[o5i045uoI
NOR they both lied to you and your friend group. How does your brother feel about his best friend banging both his sisters? Maybe Jack needs to look further outside his circle of friends to find sexual partners.
I think your feelings of hurt are valid that your sister can lie by omission all this time.
As a younger brother, one perspective I might suggest – especially with the two of you being such good friends – is that in looking up to you, she sees your ex as clearly a good guy. He was good enough for the older sister she loves to date, and a good enough guy for you to stay friends with even after the breakup. I remember when I was much younger, experiencing lust for a couple of girls my older brother had dated and subsequently broke up with. I of course never made any moves (not that I could as a shy kid, and having never seen them again) but I can understand the attraction when this person was someone who was with someone you love and admire.
Part of her probably felt guilty (understandably) and that she was just getting her rocks off with someone she felt was “safe” to do so with – so it didn’t necessitate bringing other people into it, because it wasn’t meant to go any further. Hooking up 4 times in the span of a year is also very infrequent… so its not like they’re full blown FWB. Its a strange dynamic to confess to.
I would suggest cutting her some slack. Express your hurt in the fact that she kept it from you, but explain that you dont care about the fact they’re sleeping together. That sure its weird, but she can do what she wants. But that in the future, you don’t want to be kept in the dark like that. That you love her. That she’s your best friend. And she doesn’t need to hide things from you like that. Focus on your relationship going forward instead.
You moved on. And live with your new partner. Get over it
Yeah, keep your distant from your little sister. I would make fun of her and give her everything used I have. How about old underwear? But I am petty. Wouldn’t that be s nice birthday present?
And next Family dinner get yourself and her t-shirts with the print „Tunnel sisters“.
You are right to be hurt.
Now you can’t trust her with many things.
Is she going after every partner you have?
Did she start something when you were still in a relationship?
Did she do it before?
How long was she into him?
Did the advice she gave you bad so you would break up?
If she going to do that with your now partner?
How are you supposed to trust her anymore? You aren’t. And everyone who acts like it’s no big deal, is not your friend or just wants you to cause no drama.
Just want to point out that your brother still hangs out with the guy who slept with both of his sisters. If you’re the only one upset with it, then it’s kinda just on you to either get over it or remove yourself from the situation. You can’t make your adult sister and adult friend stop hooking up if they don’t want to stop.
yes you are over reacting. They weren’t doing anything wrong but just felt uncomfortable disclosing it to you incase there was some left over feelings. People acting like this isn’t what happens in real life are just being weird.
NOR. And, if it were me, I’d make lots and lots of “jokes” about how he is only with her because she reminds him of you, sloppy seconds, etc etc.
I think it’s gross what she’s doing and the lying is fucked up too. I’d be creeped out by the entire situation.
Of all the guys in all the world, your SISTER needed to have a crack at your ex!? (And then flip this about HIM)
It’s SO “close to home” it’s icky. What was their end game? How did they honestly think this would pan out?
Yes. Tell her to stop seeing him. See if she actually does.
Ask her why she wants your sloppy seconds. Can she still taste you when she sucks his D?
I’d be fully petty about it