I (27F) became close with a coworker (28F) about a year ago. Most of our friendship developed while she wasn’t drinking due to a DUI, and during that time, we got close fast. I’ve tried to be supportive—emotionally and even financially. I paid for her portion of a recent weekend trip because I knew money was tight for her.
The issue is that now that she’s drinking again, things have changed. She doesn’t drink all the time, but when she does, it becomes chaotic. She has poor impulse control, gets combative, crosses boundaries, and doesn’t take accountability.
On the first night of this recent trip, she got increasingly drunk and started talking to random men on the street. A few of us agreed she probably shouldn’t have more to drink. She then tried to take a sip of my drink (I said no), and then tried to take a sip of my husband’s. He also said no, and she got upset. Then—“jokingly”—she spat near his feet, like a passive-aggressive tantrum. Not cool.
She stormed off, and I followed her to talk. I calmly explained that the way she was acting made me uncomfortable and that chatting up random guys while we were in an unfamiliar city didn’t feel safe. She brushed me off with things like, “What, I can’t talk to strangers now?” and “Why shouldn’t I feel safe? I have four bodyguards”—referring to our friend group, like we were there to protect her.
That comment and her attitude really got to me. She walked off again and said “whatever,” and I broke down crying. I felt disrespected, hurt, and overwhelmed. I also have a personal history that makes this kind of behavior hard for me to be around—my dad died due to alcoholism, so this stuff runs deep. She tried to run off alone, and my husband had to chase after her and talk her down. She finally calmed down when he repeated the exact same things I’d said—which she had refused to hear from me.
Afterward, we had a drunken heart-to-heart where I told her she had hurt my feelings. She apologized and said she loved me, and I wanted to believe that maybe it would get better from there.
But not long after that—still the same night—she walked up to a security guard who was escorting a very drunk, unstable man out of a bar. She jumped in to “help” and walked them to the curb for an Uber. It felt weird, especially after our talk. Later, another friend told me she might have been trying to go home with the security guard—and honestly, it wouldn’t have shocked me.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. At my bachelorette party (months ago), she slept with a stripper and brought him back to our Airbnb in the middle of the night while the rest of us were sleeping. At the time we laughed it off, but now I realize how dangerous that was—for her and the rest of us. We got lucky that he wasn’t someone who meant harm.
Then there’s a final piece of context that really cemented everything for me. A friend told me—right before the trip—that at my wedding a month earlier, this same friend loudly said she was going to sleep with one of the groomsmen. When someone pointed out that he had a girlfriend, she said, “So? I don’t see her.” Two other friends confirmed it was true. That completely crossed a moral line for me.
I’ve been left feeling emotionally wrecked. I care about her, but I have to be mindful of my own drinking because alcoholism runs in my family. When she’s drinking heavily around me, I tend to match that energy in the name of “having fun,” and it puts me in a really bad place. I’ve had to act like everything’s fine since we work together, but the truth is, I don’t know if I want to be friends anymore. She hasn’t truly owned what happened—just offered vague apologies and “I love you”s—and I’m done putting her actions ahead of my mental health.
Some friends from the trip have already said they don’t want to be around her again if she’s drinking. And deep down, neither do I. But I still feel incredibly guilty, especially because part of me wonders if she’s going through something deeper that she just doesn’t know how to express.
AITA for needing distance—even if she might be silently struggling—because I can’t keep sacrificing my peace, my boundaries, and my mental health to protect someone who won’t protect herself (or the people around her)?
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Backup of the post’s body: I (27F) became close with a coworker (28F) about a year ago. Most of our friendship developed while she wasn’t drinking due to a DUI, and during that time, we got close fast. I’ve tried to be supportive—emotionally and even financially. I paid for her portion of a recent weekend trip because I knew money was tight for her.
The issue is that now that she’s drinking again, things have changed. She doesn’t drink all the time, but when she does, it becomes chaotic. She has poor impulse control, gets combative, crosses boundaries, and doesn’t take accountability.
On the first night of this recent trip, she got increasingly drunk and started talking to random men on the street. A few of us agreed she probably shouldn’t have more to drink. She then tried to take a sip of my drink (I said no), and then tried to take a sip of my husband’s. He also said no, and she got upset. Then—“jokingly”—she spat near his feet, like a passive-aggressive tantrum. Not cool.
She stormed off, and I followed her to talk. I calmly explained that the way she was acting made me uncomfortable and that chatting up random guys while we were in an unfamiliar city didn’t feel safe. She brushed me off with things like, “What, I can’t talk to strangers now?” and “Why shouldn’t I feel safe? I have four bodyguards”—referring to our friend group, like we were there to protect her.
That comment and her attitude really got to me. She walked off again and said “whatever,” and I broke down crying. I felt disrespected, hurt, and overwhelmed. I also have a personal history that makes this kind of behavior hard for me to be around—my dad died due to alcoholism, so this stuff runs deep. She tried to run off alone, and my husband had to chase after her and talk her down. She finally calmed down when he repeated the exact same things I’d said—which she had refused to hear from me.
Afterward, we had a drunken heart-to-heart where I told her she had hurt my feelings. She apologized and said she loved me, and I wanted to believe that maybe it would get better from there.
But not long after that—still the same night—she walked up to a security guard who was escorting a very drunk, unstable man out of a bar. She jumped in to “help” and walked them to the curb for an Uber. It felt weird, especially after our talk. Later, another friend told me she might have been trying to go home with the security guard—and honestly, it wouldn’t have shocked me.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. At my bachelorette party (months ago), she slept with a stripper and brought him back to our Airbnb in the middle of the night while the rest of us were sleeping. At the time we laughed it off, but now I realize how dangerous that was—for her and the rest of us. We got lucky that he wasn’t someone who meant harm.
Then there’s a final piece of context that really cemented everything for me. A friend told me—right before the trip—that at my wedding a month earlier, this same friend loudly said she was going to sleep with one of the groomsmen. When someone pointed out that he had a girlfriend, she said, “So? I don’t see her.” Two other friends confirmed it was true. That completely crossed a moral line for me.
I’ve been left feeling emotionally wrecked. I care about her, but I have to be mindful of my own drinking because alcoholism runs in my family. When she’s drinking heavily around me, I tend to match that energy in the name of “having fun,” and it puts me in a really bad place. I’ve had to act like everything’s fine since we work together, but the truth is, I don’t know if I want to be friends anymore. She hasn’t truly owned what happened—just offered vague apologies and “I love you”s—and I’m done putting her actions ahead of my mental health.
Some friends from the trip have already said they don’t want to be around her again if she’s drinking. And deep down, neither do I. But I still feel incredibly guilty, especially because part of me wonders if she’s going through something deeper that she just doesn’t know how to express.
AITA for needing distance—even if she might be silently struggling—because I can’t keep sacrificing my peace, my boundaries, and my mental health to protect someone who won’t protect herself (or the people around her)?
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NTA. You can’t save her~ you know she’s not good for your mental health and if you continue to allow her in your circle you’re pretty much saying “I accept you as you are at the cost of my detrimental health”. Help her with resources before you cut her off if you’d like but it’s time you choose yourself over someone you can’t rescue.
She won’t stop until she decides to. There’s nothing you can say or do that will change her mind.
If you want to continue hanging out with her, you can set some boundaries that will only be at alcohol free events. But do you really want to waste the mental energy on being a babysitter?
As someone who was like your friend, the best thing to do for her is to just be available when she finally hits her rock bottom.
Clearly, her DUI wasn’t the bottom, the next hit will probably be a lot more destructive.
Mine included 7 years in prison.
She’s not your friend, stop feeling guilty and take care of yourself.
As you ease into your 30s you start to realize friends with problems who don’t make an effort to change become emotional vampires. You tried to speak with her about her judgement, she didn’t want to hear, cut her loose or continue to deal with mayhem.
NTA. This is an internal, personal struggle for you. You’ve seen the results of alcoholism.
Since she’s ripping on your mental health, step back from the friendship. (Friendships have a lifespan. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm, etc)
Your first priority is your own mental health. You have your own reasons for stepping back. There’s no reason to explain. If necessary, get your husband to pick you up after work. You & hubby have plans. You need to ____. She is a grown-up. She has to figure her own stuff out.
You consider this co-worker as a friend. I don’t know your work dynamic; I’m presuming it’s a small place, long-term employment, and close social life. Maybe small-town as well.
If the group that was out with you during the debacle is also co-workers, she’s likely to have far fewer friends around.
Good luck, OP
You need to cut off this “friendship” and block her.
She’s a severe alcoholic, a garbage boundary-destroying person, and she’s just using you to non-consentially enable/put-up-with her inappropriate behavior.
I loathe people who go out and require asking care of when they drink. It is ridiculous for one person to ruin a good time for the group.
NTA. I would ditch the friend.
Tough love time
There’s only so much you can do for someone who doesn’t want help. You can’t let them destroy you also.
Your first mistake is having a “drunken heart to heart” that she won’t even remember thinking that will change anything. If you want to continue the friendship you have an honest conversation with her when you are both sober and tell her exactly what she is doing while drinking that makes you and everyone else uncomfortable. Then you tell her you won’t continue to spend time with her when alcohol is involved. You could offer to be alcohol free when you hang out with her to be supportive. She might have to keep losing things before she’s willing to quit.
Honestly, you don’t have to be part of the chaos.
I had a best friend like that, and even when she wasn’t being chaotic she was selfish as fck. After decades of friendship I just ended up tired.
Maybe one day she will be able to work out why she can’t keep friends, but it stopped being my problem.
OP, you know the answer to this issue. Until she gets a handle on her addiction, let’s call it what it is, you can’t continue to be there for her.
Whether you choose to confront this intervention style or ghost her is up to you, but you can’t risk your own physical and mental health while she completely disregards her own.
This is going to hurt and she is going to strike out at you, so you may have to tell your friend group what you’re doing, but hopefully this is a wake up call for her before something serious happens.
Stop helping her. She has to help herself, and she won’t do that with a crutch holding her up!
What’s happening is she is troubled, drinking to help alleviate her pain, which is actually making everything worse, and now YOU’RE letting her dragging you down right along with her!
Step back and tell her that you can’t do this anymore. It’s too much drama and you can’t be her support person, her pillow to cry on and someone to hand her money when she needs it.
How much does it cost her to drink? TOO MUCH! Money, time, friends, and possibly her life!
OP, your peace doesn’t matter to her. Make it matter to you! YOU FIRST! You can’t save anyone when they’re pulling you down with them!
She isnt your friend, you are her bodyguard. Isnt that what she said? Drunk people speak the truth…..
Tell her you’re completely done with her.
You should be angry. Angry enough to tell her you are done. Done-done.
The last thing you say should be “I hope you grow up soon; you’re heading down a wrong path, and I have no interest whatsoever in trying to stop you. I’m not your babysitter. Because you don’t want to stop. So do what you will do; don’t call me when you get into trouble.”
You are describing active alcoholism. It’s heartbreaking. She has a god and you are not it.
In the kindest way I know how, my suggestion is that you might want to check out Al-anon.
NTA. It’s not even the alcohol, it’s just amplifying who she is at her core
She’s a bad person when she drinks but she chooses to drink anyway. She knows that her drinking hurts other people, but she doesn’t care – because her actions hurt other people, not her
The only reason she was sober when you met her is because she would have gone to jail if she drank while she was on probation. The only reason why she’ll get sober in the future will be to protect her own interests
She values your friendship less than she values a bottle of wine
Question: Even if your friend is going through something beyond general alcoholism, what makes you qualified to help or save her?
Nope, NTA. Distance yourself from her and don’t be available.
YWBTA if you didn’t distance yourself a bit. The decision is whether to directly tell her what you’re doing & why, or not. But you need some space from her!!
Are you her mother? Are you her therapist?
No need to ask Reddit.
People come and go in our lives. There’s a reason for the season. Your season with her appears to be over. Don’t bother being upset with her, just move on without her